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Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 18

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It’s Freaky Friday here on your favorite column about the past: Life, Death and Violence! What makes Freaky Friday different from any other day? It’s freaky! Like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan switching bodies or Jimmy Johns’ delivery service, history just went insane today. Like, L. Ron Hubbard insane, so TGIF and let’s get through this together, step by step.*

LIFE! (Good idea: Anti-folk. Bad idea: Breaking up The Beatles)

  • 1516: Queen Mary I of England: You’d think that as Catholics we’d be super into Mary since she reinstated Catholicism after the hedonistic, Protestant rein of Henry VIII. You’d be wrong. Why? Because.
  • 1848: Louis Comfort Tiffany: Celebrities! They’re just like yesterday’s celebrities! What with the giving their kids weird names. At least the guy who founded Tiffany and Co. had the good sense to give his child an embarrassing middle name as opposed to a first name where everyone can see it and all. Lou was into glass blowing as opposed to silver, like his daddy, and, like any great artist from money, he spent a few years in Brooklyn honing his craft and drinking craft beer. He’s noted for redecorating the White House while not in the Important Political Role that is first ladydom. Glass! This is our favorite kind of glass:

We’re pretty sure Tiffany’s was involved in the creation of this rare type of glass.

  • 1906: Hans Asperger: FUCK YOU BITCH. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHILD. I’m sorry, that was my asperger’s.** WHORE
  • 1933: Yoko Ono***: The noted visionary, performance artist, destroyer of bands and media personality turns 78 today. Scream for Yoko! Scream for life! Scream for freedom! Scream for the future! Scream for Bungalow Bill! Just Scream! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yoko Loves You. We Love You Back Yoko and We’ve Written You a Haiku

Japanese Lady
Screaming Like a Wild Banshee
Babies Are Children

Yoko, Ann Liv Young has something to say to you****


 

  • 1968: Molly Ringwald: She’s no Yoko, but the 80s teen dream stole our hearts and made us feel good about being a ginger. Funny lady!
  • 1980: Regina Spektor: Regina, we need to talk. We love you. Soviet Kitsch is one of our favorite albums, but you’ve been shafted, girl. It’s Yoko’s day. We’re sorry. It’s not you. It’s us.


 

DEATH! (Yoko didn’t die today, so she can’t hog death, too. Sorry Yoko!)

Sorry Martin Luther and Kublai Khan! Someone else died today and we need to share some stories. There’s a joke we like to tell people that gets the occasional laugh: We’re sorry that we’re having such trouble with this piece x, but, you know, we’re young, tortured gay artists with ADD, you know, just like:

  • 1564: Michelangelo: Michelangelo Buonarotti is, hands down, our favorite artist in the entirety of art history, and it’s not just because of his work which is beyond spectacular. The sculptor (and don’t you dare call him a painter. He signed the Sistine Chapel “Michelangelo, Sculptor”) was the driving force behind the Italian Renaissance and, as he got older, Italian Mannerism. We really encourage everyone to read as much as they can about Michelangelo, but we’d like to share a story about a man, his mother, and a leg.

Everyone knows Michelangelo’s Pieta. A serene sculpture housed in St. Peter’s Basilica, reluctantly signed only because it was being attributed to other artists.  A critic of the day declared it a travesty, his main point that Mary looked far too young to be the mother of a thirty-three year old man. She looked to be in her twenties, he said. Michelangelo’s response? Virgins don’t age.

However, Michelangelo constructed a second Pieta that is far less known and, like many of his works (actually, all of his works with the exception of the Roman Pieta), is unfinished (yes, David and Moses are unfinished. We’ll get to that. Hold tight). This Pieta is a little unconventional as it is agreed upon by the art community to be a Pieta, but the composition is more similar to the Descent From the Cross. It is therefore occasionally referred to as The Deposition

Please take a second to think about what is wrong with this sculpture. Go on, we can wait. We’re just going to listen to a little Yoko while you do so.


 

Ready? Good. If you answered, Jesus is missing a leg, you’re correct, but before we get to why Jesus is missing a leg, it’s noteworthy to point out that the figure of Nicodemus (possibly Joseph of Arimathea) is widely thought to be a self-portrait. Michelangelo has inserted himself into the scene as the man who would prepare Jesus for burial. We think that reeks of egoism, but we’re pretty egotistical ourselves so it just gives us another reason to compare ourselves to Michelangelo despite zero sculpting ability.

Anyways, why is Jesus missing a leg? If you notice, it seems that the leg was draped over Mary’s thigh (his mother; Mary Magdalene is to his right (viewer’s left) and was sculpted by Tiberio Calcagni, not Michelangelo). Back in the 16th century, this particular position was considered heavily erotic and quite salacious. Upon recognizing that this is what he sculpted, Michelangelo started smashing the work, believing it to be evidence of potential incestuous lust for his own mother until he was held back by his assistants. They were able to mostly fix it, but not the leg. Michelangelo, even after his violent outburst, continued to labor over it until he discovered an impurity in the marble that had gone unnoticed. He gave the work to his servant who then sold it to a man who had it finished by Calcagni. Michelangelo worked on this piece for eight years.

As we had mentioned earlier, David was left incomplete by Michelangelo (it was later finished by some terrible curator whose name we forget). Michelangelo purchased the marble for David from another sculptor who had started work on a piece, but then decided he didn’t want to finish it. Michelangelo left a spot on the top of David’s head unfinished to honor that sculptor, until, as we mentioned, a curator noticed the rough patch and decided to finish it for Michelangelo.

Moses the sculpture is complete, but it’s part of a much larger mausoleum that was meant to sit in the center of St. Peter’s. Therefore, the artistic community considers it an unfinished work. It is currently housed at San Pietro in Vincoli where it is placed at the entirely wrong perspective. Both David and Moses are meant to be placed on high so that their grandeur can be felt. When placed on the ground, they look disproportionate and long.

VIOLENCE! (Good idea: Making love. Bad idea: Making War)

  • 1846: Sic Semper Tyrannis! Peasants killed a lot of people in Poland while protesting serfdom. Serfdom was abolished two years later. See, Poland? Egypt does it peacefully and gets what they want in three weeks. Violence is not the answer! Make love, not war! Look at Joseph*****! In your fields! Calling for peace! Make love with him, not war!

  • 1878: SHOOT EM UP! ZING! BANG! POW! John Tunstall was murdered by Jessie Evans sparking the Lincoln County Wars in New Mexico. Jessie Evans disappeared two years later.
  • 1983: Once again, we have a wackily named massacre. Today! The Wah Mee Who Me? Massacre in Seattle. Thirteen people died and one guy got seriously injured (but was able to testify in the high-profile trial) by three guys wanting to rob an illegal casino in Chinatown. SHOOT EM UP! BANG! POW! CLINK! CLANK! DUN DUN! PRISON!
  • 1991: The IRA bombed Paddington Station and Victoria Station in London. Our favorite glass was not pleased.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Good idea: Fighting Nazis. Bad Idea: Praising Xenu)

  • 1861: Italy unifies and some guy named Victor declares himself King! No documents remain regarding his position on bunga bunga.
  • 1943: The Gestapo begins arrests on members of the White Rose Movement, a group of non-violent/intellectual students who opposed The Third Reich. They were executed some time later and are now regarded as heroes of the Nazi Resistance.
  • 1954: The first Church of Scientology opens in LA, begins their quest in recruiting fabulous celebrities in order to further their cause of letting the world know about Xenu and aliens and volcanoes and whatever it is that those crazies believe in.
  • 1972: California repeals the death penalty!
  • 1972: California reinstates the death penalty months later when putting it to the voters! California, repealing bad things and putting them back in place so as to maintain the status quo since (at least) 1972.

It’s been a fun week, cats, kittens and honey badgers! We’ll see you on Monday, and remember: YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! Four for you Glen Yoko! You go Glen Yoko!

*We once had a dream where we were on a bridge with the cast of Step By Step and then we met a witch and the witch turned everyone in the cast to wax one by one. It was really scary. We were, like, seven and had accidentally slept on the Jafar side of our pillowcase instead of the Aladdin side which was totally the good dream side. CURSE YOU JAFAR!

**We do not have Asperger’s and as SixThirty noted, that was actually Tourette’s. This is why we don’t study psychology.

***WE LOVE YOU YOKO

****We were at that taping of Ann Liv Young’s Mermaid show and it was wild. That was the fifth time that they had to start over for the scene due to technical hiccups with the sound and the sheer animalistic tension and anger emanating from Ann Liv (performing as Sherry) was just exquisite. We were stunned, but we may just have a disaster fetish. She yelled at Claudia Larocco of the NYTimes for whispering to a friend during a break. It was phenomenal. A week later, she hit our friend in the head at the Party That Dare Not Speak Its Name with a ceramic necklace that was meant for Penny Arcade.

*****LaZiguezon: Hop on the JGL Bandwagon

Authors Note: I’m going to separate myself from the editorial ‘we’ here. I’d just like to thank everyone who’s read this feature in its inaugural week, especially those of you who have been so effusive in your praise for it. I wasn’t really over at Crosstalk because I never felt witty enough to be there (I was starred, but only because of a contest) and so it’s really great to be here with all these funny people, being able to write something that people seem to like. You’re all super and I’m really glad I was introduced to this amazing community. See you Monday. I refuse to put this much effort in seven days a week. xox

The NBA is FAN-tastic

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Note:  This column is for people who like basketball or at the very least are interested in some kind of sport. If you hate intense discussion about sweaty dudes putting balls through a net then go away, I hate you, and wish all the bad things in life happen to you. Also, click on the photos for video fun.

Basketball, more specifically the NBA is my favorite sport to follow. Considering I am barely 5’10” and have a hitch in my shot that would embarrass Bill Cartwright, it always amazes me the incredible feats of athleticism basketball players are capable of producing on a routine basis. In this humble peasant’s opinion, they consistently pull off the most amazing highlights. Even the most hipster-y sports hater dreams of being able to dunk a basketball. Maybe the sport has never appealed to you; maybe you think college ball is better and more “pure.” I say to you, it’s never been a better time to follow the NBA. Thanks to a couple of stacked draft classes in the past few years and the seemingly never-ending careers of other stars the league has never been full of so much talent. Seeing as how the league’s All-Star weekend is coming up in a few days, I thought it’d be a good idea to break down some of the more interesting storylines of this season.

I am Blake Griffin, Destroyer of Worlds: Drafted by the Clippers in 2009, he promptly shattered his left kneecap and had to sit out a full season, an appropriate start for the heralded savior of one of the unluckiest sports franchises out there. However, this season Blake has shown why he was worthy of that #1 pick and done something no one thought possible, he’s made the LA Clippers worth watching. I could write a post solely about Griffin, but it’s safe to say you have to see him to believe it. He plays with an absolute disregard for his own personal safety and treats the rim as if it killed his whole family. The rim-rocking dunks, the never-ending alley-oops, he’s 21 years old and already putting the fear of god into opponents. His entry into the Slam Dunk Competition promises to be legendary.

Derrick Rose and the Rebirth of Chicago: It’s safe to say that I love Derrick Rose more than my family and wish to have his babies (if it were biologically possible). The humble, mumbly 22 year old from one of the roughest neighborhoods in the city has skyrocketed into the national scene. In a city dominated by crappy baseball and football he has gotten people to care about basketball again. After two solid but unspectacular seasons Derrick has taken the famous “leap” that most basketball players do in their third year. As a hometown kid there was always pressure to succeed but it’s never fazed Rose. He’s simply gotten better in every aspect of the game and done it with an “aw shucks” mentality that is hard to hate. Even at such a young age he has wowed his peers. Other superstars go on Twitter and say Rose is their favorite player to watch. He simply does things a 6’3” guard should not be capable of doing. The perfect combination of size, speed, strength, and big rippling muscles….sorry what are we talking about again?

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Making it Hard to Remember Seattle. Thanks to the NBA assisted swindling of the Seattle Supersonics, jackass grease-ball owner Clay Bennett was allowed to move a franchise with nearly 50 years of history in the Pacific Northwest to the basketball haven of…Oklahoma City? To the surprise of everyone, the OKC residents took the Thunder in and treated them like a newborn baby. They provided endless support to the point that home games remind one of a college atmosphere. With a likable core of youngsters led by Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, the Thunder have made a quick turnaround from cellar-dweller into perennial playoff contender. The smooth shot of Durant combined with the jaw-dropping athleticism of Westbrook make the Thunder a must-see attraction.

The Miami Heat and the Player Hater’s Ball: By this time everyone knows about the ugly publicity stunt LeBron pulled back in July of 2010. That he left Cleveland for South Beach wasn’t a big deal, it was the absolute shamelessness of forcing a loyal fanbase to watch ESPN for an hour just so they could have their heart stomped on. Joining forces with the “RuPaul of big men” Chris Bosh and very handsome but still giant dickbag Dwayne Wade the Heat were expected to blow the league out of the water.  Though they’ve been downright impressive there’s a sense that no one really fears the Heat. Derrick Rose notably did not bother to recruit James or Wade last summer. The Boston Celtics have smacked Miami around like rag dolls in their three meetings. How will their Eastern Conference teammates treat them during what is typically a lighthearted exhibition game?

Now obviously I’ve only scratched the surface of what has honestly been the most fun 50+ games of basketball since the mid-90s (believe me, I have watched a lot of shitty games). But it does highlight a growing talent pool, which only creates more competitive teams and entertaining matchups. The league has suffered through an image crisis for years due to its close association with hip-hop culture but it’s safe to say the future has never looked brighter for a post-MJ world.


Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 17

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Today is going to be hot. It’s 50 degrees here on the North Coast, and we would totally go to the beach today if it wasn’t so cloudy. Clouds aren’t hot. The sun? That’s hot. Get ready, kids, because it’s everyone’s favorite daily: Life, Death and Violence. It’s gonna be a hot, hot heat.

LIFE! (Conception is hot. The actual miracle of birth? Not.)

Everyone born today is either hot, or has made a career out of the word “hot.” We’ll also be bringing you the exception to the rule.

  • 1490: Charles III, Duke of Bourbon: This sexy thang look spectacular in a suit of armor, and why wouldn’t he? He’s a hot, distinguished French military leader who defied the stereotype and never surrendered, until he was killed in battle, which, of course, means he surrendered in life. Those French! Always surrendering!

Charles, like any smart person, married into nobility when he married his wife, Suzanne, Duchess of Bourbon. This marriage led to his being named the male-heir to the House of Bourbon and therefore, we assume, an unlimited supply of Maker’s Mark. Lucky man! Damn, we still can’t get over how gorgeous he looks in that suit. Barney Stinson should redefine “Suit up.”

He became a turncoat and fought for the Italians after losing a promotion and having his wife’s money, which she left to him, taken away when the mother of the King of France decided it was hers because she was Suzanne’s closest blood relative.

1836: Gustavo Becquer: Salaciously hot. He is totally pulling off that soul patch in a way that Apolo Anton Ohno only dreams about. Gustavo was a Spanish poet during the post-Romantic era, which, naturally, increases his hotness tenfold. Let’s read a poem:

The dark swallows will return
their nests upon your balcony, to hang.
And again with their wings upon its windows,
Playing, they will call.
But those who used to slow their flight
your beauty and my happiness to watch,
Those, that learned our names,
Those… will never come back!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Naturally, we’re smitten. Fun fact! His brother painted that portrait of him and when they changed their names, they took the same fake last name. Family should stick together.

  • 1963: Larry the Cable Guy: Not hot (sorry, we’re just not into bears). Larry is known for being a redneck, but that’s only on stage. He’s not even from the South! He’s from Nebraska. However, our nephew is obsessed with Mater, so we’ll give him a pass.
  • Still, we’ve always been a fan of scripted comedy as opposed to stand-up, with the exception being Kathy Griffin because she’s just so funny and because as proper gays, we have to like her. Have to. We made Kathy Griffin laugh with a Celine Dion joke when we met her and it was one of the greatest moments of our lives.
  • What we’re saying here is that we’d much rather talk about Kathy Griffin, but it’s Larry the Cable Guy’s birthday, so we should get back to that.  Larry the Cable Guy owns three champion bucking bulls that participate with that other PBR, Professional Bull Riders Inc. Now that’s a fact that’s fun! Their names are Chicken on a Chain, Booger Butt and Git R Done.

  • 1981: Joseph Gordon Levitt: Not hot. Better than hot. The most beautiful man in the world and our main celebrity crush. There are so many things we’d like to do with him and it was probably a sign when we were younger and watching Third Rock from the Sun and only wanted to watch the scenes with Joseph Gordon Levitt in them.  Look at that smirk on his face! So cute! He’s totally our Aubrey Plaza.
  • And what a name! We know that three-namers are associated with serial killers, but you know what? He is killing us with his serious good looks. The man (he’s thirty today!) is funny and smart and quirky and rocks in so many movies, our favorite being (500) Days of Summer which is our ultimate love/hate movie because we love it, but we’re basically Tom and being the romantic in the relationship hurts. WE LOVE YOU JGL! Call us!

And, last, but certainly not least!

  • 1981: Paris Hilton: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARIS! You’re 30 now! That’s totally hot!

DEATH! (Picking up a guy at a funeral? Hot. Picking up a dead guy at a funeral? Not.)

Let me open up my newspaper to look at today’s obituary, and by newspaper, I mean Wikipedia. Let’s talk about hot dead people because necrophilia is sexxxy.*

  • 1673: Moliere: The original king of comedy and bad boy of theater, Moliere had several of his plays banned by the French government for being too perverse (on pressure from the Catholic Church). We’re currently re’reading our favorite play of his, The Misanthrope, which, if you haven’t read it, you really should. It’s a fabulous tale about an asshole who spends the entire play criticizing everyone including himself.
  • Moliere is also known for having one of the most ironic deaths ever. During a production of what was to be his final play, in which he played a hypochondriac, he succumbed to his tuberculosis. He was able to finish his performance, but died shortly after. Guess it wasn’t such an imaginary illness after all. Sad. A tragic way for a really funny guy to leave this little blue ball we call home.
  • (Excerpt from Act 1 Scene 1 Le Misanthrope)
  • “Great Heaven? let us torment ourselves a little less about the vices of our age, and be a little more lenient to human nature. Let us not scrutinize it with the utmost severity, but look with some indulgence at its failings. In society, we need virtue to be more pliable. If we are too wise, we may be equally to blame.”

  • 1939: Willy Hess: He played violin, taught at Harvard and was concermaster for the Boston Symphony Orchestra. His violin was a Guadagnini which we think means it was a really good violin, but we’re pretty sure he’s not dead. We’re pretty sure we’ve seen this guy at Metropolitan, like, a lot, when we used to go there on Tuesdays.

  • 1961: Nita Naldi: This sultry silent film star was typecast as a femme fatale/vamp and boy was she able to pull that off. She was also in the Ziegfeld Follies and became famous after working with Rudolph Valentino and Cecil B DeMille while signed to the Famous Players/Lasky studio. She declared bankruptcy in 1932 and when she tried to make a comeback, was criticized for her weight. Hollywood never changes.

  • 1970: Alfred Newman: Oh wait, there’s another Alfred Newman. That’s a picture of Neuman. NEWMAN! The most decorated composer in all of cinema, Alfred Newman was a force to be reckoned with. He won 9 Oscars and was nominated 45 times! He’s only second to Walt Disney in both wins and nominations for a single person. What we’re saying is that the guy was a really accomplished film composer.

VIOLENCE! (Napalm’s hot. Mustard Gas? Not.)

  • 1838: We don’t understand a word of what is said in this, so we’re just going to copy Wikipedia’s words exactly and let you guys figure it out. It sounds cool though: Weenan massacre: Hundreds of Voortrekkers along the Blaukraans River, Natal are killed by Zulus. Seriously, we’ve read the Wikipedia page and all we get is that people died and that it took place in South Africa. Every other word confuses us.
  • 1865: Union forces burn Columbia, South Carolina to the ground on orders from General William Tecumseh Sherman (he denied these reports) Hot! Literally, that must have been a hot day, what with all the fire. That Sherman sure liked burning things, but maybe that’s why he’s known as the first modern general. You know, because he was cool with killing citizens.
  • 1871: After months of BANG BANG! SHOOT EM UP! ZING! POW!, the Prussian army captured Paris, thus ending the Franco-Prussian War. Wait, James Franco built a time-machine and lost a war against the Prussians? Watch out, JGL, your status might be in jeopardy! We here at LD&V have uncovered an exclusive photo of James Franco in his apartment, reacting to the loss while the Prussians marched upon his city.

That’s so Franco! And so French! Oh, the French! Always losing!**

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Future duelists? Hot. The moon? Not.)

  • 1801: It’s a tie! The House of Representatives casts a vote and ZOUNDS! The winner is Tommy Jefferson! The loser gets the vice-presidency and that would be our high school hero, the one and only Aaron Burr! Why is Aaron Burr our high school hero? Because we really hated reading The Federalist Papers, like, with a passion and we were so glad that somebody shot that sonuvabitch Alexander Hamilton. GET OFF OUR MONEY ALEX, WE STILL DON’T LIKE YOU!
  • 1904: Madame Butterfly opens. We never really liked that one.
  • 1913: A lot of really important artists exhibited their work in the NYC 69th Regiment Armory.
  • 1933: Happy Birthday Newsweek! Oh, what’s that? You’re completely hemorrhaging and had to be sold to the Daily Beast and now Tina Brown is running you and everyone’s being fired so that you can focus on an online presence because print is dead? Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to rub salt in the wound. Do you need some neosporin?
  • 1965: Project Ranger photographs the moon in preparation for the Apollo missions.
  • 1996: Gary Kasparov beat IBM’s Deep Blue at chess. Too bad Brad and Ken aren’t doing so hot against Watson, but, hey, at least they know Toronto isn’t an American city.
  • 2008: Kosovo declares independence. Happy birthday, Kosovo! You go(sovo) girl! That was a terrible joke. An absolutely terrible joke. We’re ashamed of ourselves, so much that we’re just going to end today’s Life, Death and Violence right here without so much as a witty conclusion paragraph.

Oh! We couldn’t do that to you! You’re so special to us. Our readers? Hot. Dolphins? Not (but they sure are pretty cool!)

*Necrophilia is not sexy.
**We’re French and Irish. We’re allowed to make fun of those two nationalities as much as we please, thank you very much.

CALL US JOSEPH!

Democracy Protests Rock the Middle East and North Africa

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This story is a joint effort by Waspy, BBQ Cornnuts, Lady_E, Dürers Rhino, and The Grand Inquisitor.

Demonstrations and riots are sweeping through the Middle East and North Africa this week as protestors, emboldened by the success of the Egyptian Revolution, have demanded reform from their own governments. Demonstrators and government security personnel have been killed in several counties. According to the Associated Press, Hillary Clinton urged civic leaders in effected countries to “seize the historic moment for democratic change

In Libya, where Muammar Gaddafi has been in power since 1969, demonstrators are organizing for Thursday commemoration of the 2006 deaths of 14 protesters. Dissidents have organized a Facebook group is calling for a February 17 Intifada.

Pro-government demonstrators showed support at Sunday’s prayers to commemorate the birth of the prophet. The government is also making an effort to discredit the opposition. Libya is facing unrest in part because of government-subsidized housing projects. Many homes are not completed and thousands of residents are without a place to live.

Dissidents have circulated a petition emphasizing “the right of the Libyan people to express their opinions in peaceful protest, without any form of harassment, threats or provocations” by the regime. The opposition also called on Gaddafi and his family to relinquish authority and “revolutionary, political, military, and security” powers.

In Iraq, citizens of the city Fallujah protested to demand a stop to arbitrary arrests. They also asked the government to resume conscription and to dismiss any foreign citizens, including Americans, from government positions. They also accused the Talabani administration of corruption. Local officials joined in the demonstration and called for basic services, such as rations and electricity.

Meanwhile, unrest has continued in Iran. Two people were killed and dozens were injured during Monday’s protests. New clashes broke out on Wednesday at the funeral in Tehran of a student who was killed in a recent protest. The government blamed the killing on anti-government protesters, but conflicting reports suggest security forces might have been responsible.  While information has been difficult to get out of the country, some estimates have put protest numbers at 350,000 people. In what has become a familiar cycle, Iranian pro-government forces have called for a counter-demonstration against the opposition leaders. In turn, opposition leaders Mir-Hossein Mousavi and Mehdi Karroubi, who are under house arrest, have called for more anti-government protests.

Yemen is in its sixth day of protests calling for democracy. Dwindling oil reserves and a looming water crisis have motivated an increasingly impoverished public to call for regime change. The President, Ali Abdullah Saleh, has been in power since 1978. He has attempted to quell the protests by announcing that he will not seek re-election in 2013, urging the public to use democratic solutions rather than violence, and entering talks with individual tribes to bolster support for his government. However, the demonstrations have become increasingly violent as police, military, and plainclothes government supporters have attempted to disperse protestors. Police shot and killed two demonstrators in the main southern city of Aden and several people were wounded in the capitol city of Sanaa.

In Bahrain, protests continued into a third day. Ruled by a centuries-old Constitutional Monarchy, Bahrain’s Sunni minority and King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa have been accused of discrimination against the country’s 66% Shia majority. Demonstrations calling for fair representation in Parliament have become more peaceful after police killed two protesters and the King subsequently issued a rare apology on Monday. Demonstrators are setting up a “Protest Camp” in the capitol’s Pearl Roundabout Park and have stated that they will not leave until their demands are met.

The Washington Post is reporting on a potentially explosive development.  In a speech delivered to Jewish American leaders and later repeated in an official press release, Israeli Foreign Prime Minister, Avigdor Lieberman, claimed that two Iranian warships are preparing to enter the Suez Canal, a move that Israel would view as highly provocative.  Mr. Lieberman also claimed that the warships were crossing the Canal to reach Syria, an Iranian ally, presumably to deliver weapons for Hezbollah to use against Israel.  Mr. Lieberman offered no evidence to back up his claims and Egyptian authorities denied the report.  Egypt requires 48 hours notice for entry into the Suez Canal.   However, the US State Department did confirm the two ships were in the Red Sea near the Canal.

The possibility of an Israeli-Iranian conflict poses serious concerns for the region, Egypt’s transitional government, and the anti-government movement in Iran. A confrontation between Israel and Iran could halt the reform movements region-wide dead in their tracks and divert media and world attention from the current uprisings, a situation which would have additional perils for protests that have seen state sanctioned violence slightly curtailed in recognition of the attention focused on the government responses.

The former Mubarak regime considered Iran to be the greatest threat to regional stability and Egypt’s 1979 Peace Treaty with Israel and assistance in enforcing the blockade of Gaza put Egypt in direct opposition with the Iranian government.  The Treaty and blockade are widely unpopular among the Egyptian population, but, this past Sunday, the current Egyptian military government released Communiqué No. 5 pledging to abide by all of Egypt’s foreign treaties and commitments, which includes the Peace Treaty, during the transitional period.  A direct challenge to the Egyptian-Israeli alliance by Iran could greatly complicate the military’s already precarious role as a caretaker government and potentially derail constitutional and statutory reforms that the military has pledged to oversee.

Iran is currently facing the largest anti-Regime protests since the 2009 Green Revolution. A confrontation with Israel would allow the Iranian government to rally the nation against Israel and could lead to deadly violence and treason charges (which carry the death penalty) against any protest participants.  It is not out of the realm of possibility that this is a strategic plan by the Iranian government to undermine both the Egyptian military and its domestic opponents.

While the potential consequences of this report being true are alarming, Mr. Lieberman is well known for issuing dire, and later found to be untrue claims, about Iran and her allies.  Mr. Lieberman is considered by many to be a far-right, anti-Arab hardliner by many and while his party (the Yisrael Beytenu Party) is a part of the new coalition government, they are not the largest in the three party Coalition.  In this Q&A interview in Newsweek, Mr. Lieberman gives a good overview of his positions, his attitude towards Arabs and his view of the Peace process with Palestinians.  Finally, The United States would likely use its influence with Israel to attempt to dissuade any retaliatory response that could undermine the pro-democracy movements taking place.

Demonstrations are expected to continue throughout the rest of the week throughout the Middle East and North Africa. Watch all the action here.

Angry Teacher Corner

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This is my first year teaching. For the last five years I’ve worked as a journalist and decided to change careers. The year has been a roller coaster. I teach ninth and tenth-graders in a suburban city, in Texas. Perhaps the most shocking things I’ve been exposed to involve the stupidity of not only the students, but also the parents and administrators. I will try to share stories with you on here when I can, using this as a column. I’m not a religious man, but now I spend every night praying for the future of this country.

Story 1: On the first day of school, during my forth class period, I had a bastard get into my lunch while I was greeting his classmates at the doorway. The bastard stole a Kashi Bar out of my lunch sack. I confronted the bastard, and sent him to the office with a referral. This is when I learned immediately about school politics. The bastard spent about 20 minutes in the office before being sent back to me. He was sent back because I didn’t follow the district’s discipline matrix, which goes as follows: 1) verbal warning 2) teacher detention 3) phone call home 4) referral. So, although this bastard stole something from me, I did not contact his parents, give him a warning, or assign him a detention (which I’d have to monitor in my room after school).
When the bastard came back to my classroom after his short office visit, he proceeded to walk in and told me I shouldn’t have sent him to the office and that he didn’t steal anything. When I told him other students saw him steal it, he told me, “Suck my dick.” Wonderful!
A few weeks after the incident, the bastard was arrested for breaking into a cellular phone store. Because he was here illegally, he was deported. I still have sweet dreams about this clown falling off a train trying sneak back into the country.

Story 2: I had a whale stay after school one Friday to serve a detention. She was there because she was disruptive when I was absent and a substitute was in class. After serving her detention, the whale left with another student and said she was her ride. The next morning I was doing Saturday tutorials at the school to help out struggling students when an angry whale mother burst into my room and asked me where her daughter was. I let her know that the baby whale left with another student and told her the story. Mama whale became irate saying that it was my responsibility to watch her leave and that baby didn’t come home that night. Granted, mama whale was told what time the detention was ending before her daughter served it and was given a week notice.
After leaving my room in a rage, mama whale went to the police department to file a missing persons report. I felt bad about the situation, so I began to call other teachers describing the student that baby whale left with, because she was not in any of my classes. After two hours of phone calls, I found a note in my trash can from the night before with baby whale’s name and another student’s first name. Using our dated technology, I was searched through our student database for a girl named “Hailey”. I spent about three hours calling various Hailey-parents before reaching a mother who said her daughter came home with some girl she’d never met before and that she’d spent the night. I placed mama whale in contact with the horrible parent and reunited the whales. This was about four hours of work searching for this girl and locating her; I headed home feeling good about myself.
Monday morning came, and I was called into the office and verbally reprimanded by my principal for allowing the girl to leave. Mama whale had complained to the principal after I spent my Saturday morning locating her daughter.

Story 3: I’ll keep this short. We were reading Julius Caesar a few weeks ago, when our sophomore class valedictorian asked me if they called him “Caesar” because he fainted and may have suffered from epilepsy.

Thank you for your time.

It’s Getting Harder to Ignore the Violence in Mexico – Because It’s Right At My Door

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I moved to San Miguel de Allende six short months ago, and there’s a lot to love about this place. It’s a 500-year old Spanish colonial city that, despite growth and an enormous expat population, retains much of it’s old-world charm. There’s a thriving arts community, the rents are still relatively cheap, and the high-desert climate is just about perfect: cool nights, warm days, dry air and an abundance of sunshine. And while the growing violence in Mexico is quietly discussed at cocktail parties around town, San Miguel has been relatively sheltered from what’s been occurring in areas closer to the US border.

At least until now.

In the past three weeks, three American expats have been brutally murdered here.

On January 19th, Peter Mudge, a retired American who had been living in San Miguel for 20 years, was found dead in his home, the victim of an apparent robbery gone wrong. He was found with a plastic bag tied to his head, and he had been stabbed more than a dozen times.

On January 23rd, the body of a young American identified only as “Andrew” was recovered from the side of a local road, his body riddled with bullets. For some reason, the US Consulate’s office will offer no details, citing the need to protect the family’s privacy.

And on February 6th, Joseph Feuerborn, another expat who had been living in San Miguel for decades, was found beaten to death in his home, also the victim of an apparent robbery.

Stories of the three murders vary widely. Coroners are reported to have labeled Mudge’s death as asphyxiation, and Feuerborn’s as heart attack, even though local newspapers have reported the violence.

The local internet boards, which are populated almost exclusively by Americans, are full of rumor, speculation, fear and uncertainty. And the  people that own property here don’t want this kind of bad news to spread, so there seems to be a push, particularly on the boards, to keep information from getting out there. It’s unfortunate, as the boards are the only source of information at times.

I love living here, but I’m beginning to feel as though I have a target on my back. I’m a gringo, a foreigner. A have in the land of have-nots. A large part of me wants to head back home. And a part of me wants to stay and just close my eyes to what’s obviously happening.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 16

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Good morning little birds!

Today on Life, Death and Violence: Animals! Animals are so precious, except, well, when they’re not. Then they’re not precious. One would not consider the vampire bat or the honey badger to be precious animals, we would suppose. Puppies are precious. Baboons are not. Puppies in teacups broke PreciousMeter, the site used to rank preciousness.  Precious views are down, but that’s not accurate because the new redesign precious levels are just so perfectly precious that PreciousMeter just can’t compute those figures.

LIFE! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and give birth in a teacup)

  • 1804: Jules Janin: Mr. Janin wrote a book called The Dead Donkey and the Guillotined Woman. We here at LD&V had hoped to find out what this amazingly titled book was about, but there seems to be nothing to find other than that it is French horror (frenetique) and that Janin had originally planned the novel as a spoof of the genre, but then fell in love with it and, so, we present to you, an imagining of The Dead Donkey and the Guillotined Woman: A Comedy

Priest: Do you have any final words?

Guilltoned Woman: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have killed that donkey over there .

SLICE! The guillotined woman is beheaded.

Guillotined Woman: I knew I should have held on to my hat.

FIN

Note: Jules Janin was really fat. Evidence:

  • 1834: Ernst Haeckel: This German biologist, zoologist and philosopher is responsible for such liberal buzzwords like “ecology,” “phylum” and “recapitulation theory.” Burn the witch, we say! He also painted some pretty paintings of animals that we’re pretty sure we saw in ZooBooks when we were 8.

  • 1941: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM JONG IL! We can’t believe you’re only 70! Shame you’re no longer the sexiest age possible like Dear Leader Bloomberg (69).  We just sent you a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and a bobblehead in your image. Here’s hoping it gets through your borders. Remember Kim, don’t arrest the messengers or else they won’t give you the bobblehead. You’ve been asking for it all year, so just do us this one favor.

  • 1959: Speaking of vicious animals with short tempers, a big happy birthday also goes out to John McEnroe, the performance artist credited with founding the Anger at Tennis Balls submovement of 1980s Absurdism. Happy Birthday John! Can’t wait for your MoMA retrospective (or are you going to be at New Museum?)
  • 1967: Like animals, sometimes people just aren’t loved as much as others of their kind. Case and point: Keith Gretzky. We didn’t even know Wayne had a brother, but, then again, we were never huge Gretzky fans mainly because we always got lost in Steve Yzerman’s eyes.

DEATH! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and just succumb to that Spanish Flu)

No one cool or animal related died today, sadly. We do however, have Russian ingénues, French writers (but those die every minute, right!?), Roman emperors, a great American artist and English soap manufacturers! It all sounds so exciting! If we were you, we’d definitely pull up a chair and pay attention.

  • 307: Flavius Valerius Severus: And they said Albus Severus had a bad name! Flavius was emperor of the Roman Empire for a few months before he was murdered like a dog. He was a commoner who rose through the ranks, which is probably why he was murdered although some sources say that he was forced to commit suicide.
  • 1844: Joseph Crosfield: He made soap. Here’s a picture of him:

  • 1917: Octave Mirbeau: Journalist, travel writer, art critic, novelist, playwright. We think he died from an accidental Adderall overdose (can that happen?). He was an advocate of Van Gogh when it wasn’t cool to like Van Gogh, making him an early adopter of the hipster movement. He’d probably be all over Ann Liv Young today, or maybe not since she’s mildly popular. Anyways, he wrote some good stuff that’s still popular and he’s never been out of print. You go Mirbeau!
  • 1919: Vera Khlodnaya: The first Russian silent film star. Only five of her estimated 50-100 films survive. She’s pretty and she died of Spanish Flu during the Great Pandemic of 1919

  • 1990: Keith Haring: That guy who did those outlines died due to complications related with AIDS. Seriously though, we think this is the saddest death today because Keith Haring’s really cool and we totally went as one of his outlines for Halloween last year (amongst other costumes)

VIOLENCE! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and love the jihad)

  • Hezbollah was founded in 1982 sparking decades of violence and war in the Middle East (well, more so than would have occurred without them).
  • BOOM! BANG! SHOOT EM UP! Bombs explode and gunfire is released upon the government headquarters of Uzbekistan in an assassination attempt on the Uzbekistani president. We always thought former Soviet Bloc countries had a weird way of partying like it’s 1999.
  • Also in 1999, Kurdish rebels take over a variety of European embassies after Turkey holds hostage one of the rebel leaders. Said rebel leader is pictured below.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (or, how we learned to stop worrying and let our toddlers watch Coupling)

  • 1899 – Knattsprynufelag Reykjavikur, Iceland”s first football club is founded. We’ll give 500 monopoly dollars to the first person who can prove that they can pronounce that.
  • 1923: King Tut’s tomb is discovered
  • 1957: The Toddler Truce is abolished! This was a mandatory rule that the British government had placed upon the television corporations that their could be zero programming between the hours of 6p and 7p so that children could be put to bed before the grown up shows came on. We don’t know who the British government thought was going to be in bed that early, but it certainly wasn’t rambunctious little babies like us! We were baby geniuses who had to be up all night working with Toddler’s First Chemistry Lab. Mom would never buy us cesium and we’re still mad about that even though we don’t like science anymore.

  • 2005: The NHL SHUT DOWN and announced the complete cancellation of the 2004-2005 season after months of lockouts. We were devastated by this news as we’re huge Red Wings fans and everyone knows that the Wings are the best and don’t you even DARE to suggest otherwise. WE THROW OCTOPI ONTO THE ICE. OCTOPI! Hardcore. OKAY!? GO WINGS! Go hockey in general, really. Hot, burly men on ice beating each other up with their sticks while chasing some rubber is great television in our eyes. Our father likes it for different reasons, however. Still, hockey is awesome.

That’s all folks. See you next time on Life, Death and Violence. We’re going to go take a trip on Memory Lane with our stash of ZooBooks*. To be honest, we’ll probably order a t-shirt with a toucan on it as well to, you know, wear ironically.

*That Panda is stressing! This is how happy pandas become sad pandas.

CBS Correspondent Lara Logan Sexually Assaulted in Egypt

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While covering the celebration in Tahrir Square on Friday, February 11th, CBS News Correspondent Lara Logan was surrounded by a mob and brutally sexually assaulted and beaten. Logan was rescued by women in the crowd and Egyptian soldiers and was able to return to the United States. She was admitted to a hospital here, where she remains under care.

CBS released a short press release.

Before this, I thought Anderson Cooper was brave. As better-known correspondents, including CBS’s evening news anchor Katie Couric, were pulled from the region due to safety concerns, one wonders whether covering stories like this is an occupational hazard or whether news agencies have an obligation to use local media sources rather than injecting occasionally unwelcome U.S. journalists in to volatile situations or regions. Logan was not a war correspondent or an embedded journalist. Do the benefits of on-the-scene coverage outweigh the risks?

ETA: Logan is a war correspondent who serves as CBS’s Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent, covering Afghanistan and Iraq as an embedded journalist for “60 Minutes” and the “CBS Evening News.” Her extensive and impressive bio is here.

Did Shell just admit that we have hit peak oil?

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Peak Oil has been hotly debated for many years. It is generally agreed (aside from a few on the fringe) that the Earth has a finite amount of oil. The question has always been at what point will it start to run out and that point is what is known as peak oil- the point where we are extracting as much as can be extracted. After that, wells dry up, slowly at first, and the price of oil steadily rises.

Many scientists and environmentalists have been warning that we have either hit peak oil already or that we are about to. The petroleum industry has, so far, been on the side of people claiming it’s a long way off.

Until now, that is. From The Seitch Blog:

Shell today published Signals and Signposts – a report into future energy scenarios which their look at global developments in the world’s energy supply, use and needs.

Frankly its kind of shocking, you don’t need to look too hard between the lines to see that they are scared. They more of less come right out and say that even with new discoveries and efficiency measure there simply wont be enough oil (energy) for everyone that wants it, and that a return to the “price boom,” that was interrupted when the economy fell apart, could (and probably will) return. They also say (in their special oil company speak) that global warming is going to be a big problem, and going to get bigger.

‘Kind of shocking’ is putting it mildly. When the even the oil companies are admitting that there is a problem, we are in serious trouble.

What are we doing about it? Very little. As Jon Stewart pointed out recently, the last seven presidents have promised us energy independence and haven’t delivered it and all energy independence means is we stop relying on foreign oil, not stop relying on oil completely. In his State of the Union Address this year, President Obama made the step of promising to reduce our greenhouse emissions by 80% (again, not directly related to oil, but close)… by 2050.

What to expect in the future? Gas prices are already on the increase and that looks unlikely to stop. We will pass that magical $5 a gallon and barely notice. Food prices will also go up due both to our dependence on trucks for food transport and because global food prices are already at record highs. The industrialize world will probably not feel any major effects for a while now. I’m not suggesting we all head for our fallout shelters* because the sky is falling, but I do believe that we are on a major decline the likes of which we have not seen in living memory. I wish I could be optimistic about this, but I just don’t think we’redoing enough to stop the snowball rolling down the hill.

Sorry to bring you all down on an already gloomy Monday, but this was too important not to share.

* The house I’m renting happens to have a really poorly-built fallout shelter. Article on that coming soon.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 15

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It’s New Music Tuesday so we here at LD&V are introducing a new feature: Flashback Tuesdays. Our first pick is the number one song the week of February 15,  1986: How Will I Know? by the one and only Whitney Houston.

LIFE! (Coperni’NO HE DIDN’T!)

Today is a popular day for popular people to be born.

  • 1564- Galileo Galilee: The famed astronomer who championed Copernicanism (Earth revolves around the Sun) and was placed under house arrest during the Inquisition because of it is also the star of a really fantastic play by Bertol Brecht*. He also continued the development of the telescope based on Dutch schematics, developed the microscope and was responsible for a number of technological and scientific advances. He would have been pardoned and been granted a life of freedom had he recanted his views at his hearing, but the man stuck to his guns, which is incredibly noble and brave.
  • 1710: King Louis XV of France: He’s basically the cause for the French Revolution.
  • 1820: Susan B. Anthony: Women can vote because of the efforts of this magnificent lady, but, tragically, she died 13 years before the passage of the 19th Amendment in 1919.
  • 1954: Matt Groening: Created the Simpsons and will always have a special place in our hearts, even if the show has been on for about ten seasons too long.
  • 1955: Janice Dickinson: Just look at her.

  • 1964: Chris Farley: Beloved American Comedian
  • 1980: Conor Oberst: Lead singer of Bright Eyes, lust object for every emo girl and gay boy from the ages of 14-21 (though we liked him better with the shorter hair)

DEATH! (It’s sad)

Today’s deathday is overshadowed by one huge name, Nat King Cole, one of the greatest vocalists of the jazz and big band eras. He was a three pack a day smoker which led to his early demise at the tender age of forty-five. We’ll let the music speak for itself.

VIOLENCE! (ZING! BANG! BOOM! POW! ZAP!)

  • 1898: SHOOT EM UP! BANG! BOOM! The USS Maine exploded off the coast of Havana, Cuba, causing the United States to declare war on Spain. The Americans would win, granting Cuban independence as well as effectively destroying the once mighty Spanish Empire. Yellow Journalism also played a heavy role in swaying public opinion during the war and shaping the American national identity. This is the war that brought the Americans to the forefront of interfering in global affairs as before, it was primarily a country in isolation, warring only with those that infringed upon its borders. With Cuban independence came great economic gains to American interests (at least until the Cuban Embargo) and, ironically, to Spain as well as Spanish companies in the Americas went back and invested in the Iberian Peninsula.
  • 2003: 600 cities worldwide united in peaceful protest against the Iraq War.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (They’re neat. Trust us)

  • 1758: Mustard is introduced paving the way for developments that would mark President Obama an elitist for preferring the far superior dijon variety.
  • 1897: The Oscilloscope was invented, making it far easier to tune our instruments. That is, if we played any. I mean, there was that brief stint with the violin a few years back, but that didn’t go nearly as well as we’d hoped so we just gave up. Honest though, we don’t give up on everything. Just instruments. And bad dates.
  • 1903: The best thing to happen to toys before Bakelite™.

  • 1955: Diamonds are a girls best friend, but cubic zirconia turned out to be a lot lighter on the wallet.
  • 1972: William Kolff patented the artificial heart, saving millions of future lives in the process. He would also develop the kidney dialysis machine making him a medical wizard in our eyes. Team Kolff! (we imagine ourselves saying later in life when we’re old and frail instead of young and spry)
  • 2005: YouTube was launched, killing the illusion that we could properly manage our time.

Thank you for joining us once again in this fantastic world of ours. Until next time, remember, diamonds last forever, but you can’t eat them or cubic zirconia (and you’re just cheap if you’re going to be buying us the fake stuff. Just go to the mall and get something low carat and cheap).

Besides, the way to our heart is with food. We’ll take a patty melt with a side of fries and a Faygo Rock N’ Rye**, please.

*Seriously though. Read Life of Galileo. It’s a great play.

**We are aware that that billboard advertises RedPop!, but it’s the same brand and Rock N’ Rye is just better, okay!? Foodie regionalism is fun.