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Don’t Mess with the Sound Guy

When I’m not awesomeing it up all over the Internet, I’m mixing live bands for money. I have what’s referred to as a “house gig.” I don’t tour. I work in one venue, and bands come to me. Sometimes they’re well-known national acts, other times, they’re smaller regional acts. The bigger bands usually come with their own crew, and I just tell them where they can plug in and how to use the sound board. The smaller acts, I usually have to mix them. The following lists happens in both instances, but with the larger acts, I’m not the one who has to deal with it. On the smaller acts, it effects my job directly.

The Person Who Plays the Tambourine

There are two people who play the tambourine: The guy who has nothing to do during this song, and the girlfriend of the lead singer who wants to join him on tour, so she knows he’s not sleeping with the groupies. (Trust me – if I’m mixing you, you have no groupies.) Either way, you’re not helping the song. You’re just shaking the shit out of a bunch of metal plates near a microphone. That becomes the loudest, and most grating part of the song. And then, right afterwards, you step up to the mic to say something, so if I take the mic out so I don’t have to hear the tambourine, it’s still out when you speak, and now you know I wasn’t putting the tambourine through the P.A. And now you’re pissed, because nobody could hear the complex rhythms you were playing that like, totally made the middle eight of the song. If I’m lucky, you’ll mention this on mic so everyone can hear, which brings us to number 2:

The Band that Calls the Mix from the Stage

Don’t stand on stage and tell me how it could sound better. The speakers I use aren’t pointing at you. You really have no idea how it sounds. You’re getting the low end from the back of the cabinets, and then the reflection off the back of the venue. Of course you think it sounds like crap. Don’t start telling me how to fix it, because you are going to be wrong. Then we’re going to get into an argument and I’m going to look like a stubborn dickhead house sound guy who doesn’t know how to do his job. And, for the love of God, if you decide to poll the audience on the sound, I will shut you off. No audience has ever collectively decided that the reverb time is too long or anything else that might be slightly helpful. All they want is LOUDER. And if you take that to mean that I should turn it up, and tell me to do so on mic in front of everyone, you’re not going to get what you want. Barring some freak of physics, you’re loud enough. Probably too loud. And I have to do this shit for a living. If it becomes too loud, I will walk away. I have to listen to loud volumes for extended periods of time, and unlike the douches who are hanging out right next to the subs, I care about my ears. I put a lot of time and money into educating them. They are how I pay my rent. If I break them, I have to find something else to do for money. Four hundred drunk guys on the dance floor yelling “LOUDER!” are not worth my livelihood.

Keep Your Fucking Family Members Away from Me

That’s your brother playing guitar? Great. I’m not turning him up. I can hear him fine. I don’t need the whole night to be about him picking around on some chords. There’s also some guy singing. That part of the song is pretty important, too. If you keep coming up to me and telling me you can’t hear him, and each time I don’t turn him up, guess what? I’m not fucking turning him up. Nine times out of ten, this results in family member getting pissed, and then telling the guitar player it sounded like shit and they couldn’t hear him. Then I’m the jackass.

People Who “Do the Sound” at their Church

Please don’t come up to me with mix notes, or want to talk about gear. I haven’t been to your church, but I’m guessing you’re back in the corner with a tiny console, and you mix by telling the band that plays those super-awesome Jesus Rock songs to turn up their amps. You also probably read Mix Magazine and pour through Guitar Center catalogs searching for new gear. First off, Guitar Center sells crap. They’re the Best Buy of music. Second, my work buys my shit, and unless it breaks and can’t be repaired, it’s not getting replaced. I don’t keep up on the latest models of effects units because I ain’t getting one. When it’s time to buy a new one, I’ll spend the two hours it takes to research them, and then buy the one I want. I don’t need to study up on that stuff monthly. Also, unless your church is run by Rick Warren, what I do is on a completely different level than what you do. You have one guy speaking, I have five or more guys all doing loud shit. It’s very different.

The Audience

You see this big, expensive-looking thing with a bunch of lights and knobs on it? IT”S NOT A FUCKING COASTER. If your drink gets anywhere near it, I will send that Malibu pineapple off in the opposite direction. And, no, I’m not buying you a new one. Also, don’t stand right in front of me. I have to see when the guitar player decides to play an acoustic guitar on this song.

Tone Freak Guitar Players

My venue isn’t that big. We seat around eight hundred maximum. When I get a guitar player who needs to have his amp up all the way to get his tone, and can’t live with it facing away, or in another room with a mic in front of it, that means the show is going to suck. It’s going to be the an evening of trying to get everything up to the same level as your amp, until I just give up because, like I said earlier, I need my hearing. Then, I’m going to get a bunch of people telling me the guitar is too loud, and they’re going to be right. But I won’t be able to do anything about it. I hate these nights.

Bands that Screw Around During Sound Check

I’m good at my job. Really fucking good. I see a lot of acts and listen to a lot of mixes, and 80% of the time, I can put together a better mix. I don’t tell them that, because it’s not nice. (You know who has a great sound guy? Asleep At The Wheel. That guy doesn’t do sound check, and within the first half of the first song, has put together one of the better mixes I have heard.) I will make your band sound good. But I can’t just pull it out of my ass. I need like four songs, and I need you to play all your instruments. I also need you to play at something close to show volume. Most of the time, everyone walks through soundcheck, half-assing everything, and then come showtime, everything is different. The guitars are all louder, and the drummer is beating his kit like it owes him money. That means soundcheck was a complete waste of time. It’s always fun to un-mute the console and find out your mix isn’t working at all.

Most of the time, I love my job. Once in a while, I have to deal with these people. Then, I don’t love my job. Whatever. At least I’m not touring.

Baby Name Roll Call as Momof3 is Expecting…. 12 New Baby Chicks

In addition to hoarding silver and gold (thanks Glenn!), our family is preparing for the apocalypse by producing our own food. I have already started my veggie seedlings under grow lights, planted my kale in my raised beds and tomorrow or Wednesday twelve new baby chicks will be arriving via post — yes, they are mailed to me. They will be a welcome addition to the ten gals I have already.

I ordered from Mypetchicken.com the following breeds:

Buff Orphs Two Buff Orphingtons. These friendly, gentle birds are dual purpose — meaning good egg layers and good eating, but we will only use them for eggs. They aren’t flighty and are good egg layers. The only unfortunate thing about them is that their pretty buffed copper color really stands out on my lawn. It makes these trusting fowl a major target for hawks and other predators. The one I had last year, Gigi, bit the dust in the great fox massacre of 2010.

One Easter Egger. This is a hybrid variety of the Araucana breed that Martha Stewart made so famous. They lay blue, green or even slightly rose colored eggs — thus the name. When fully grown, they can look very different from each other. The distinguishing feature they all have is pale green legs. That is unique in the bird world.

Salmon Favorelle Two Salmon Faverolles. I’m very excited to be getting these beautiful birds. Very shy and sweet-natured, I’m going to have to watch out that these two don’t get picked on by the others. I will probably keep them under the heat lamp far longer than the others I am bringing in this week. Beautiful salmon colored feathers with some white lacing make these hens out to be some serious eye candy for the backyard. They are prolific layers of light brown to cream eggs.

Cuckoo Two Silver Cuckoo Marans. Another breed I am excited to add to the flock. These beauties lay dark chocolate brown-colored eggs. The eggs taste the same as all the others, but are stunning to behold.The birds are good natured and good layers.

Choc eggs

Sussex Three Speckled Sussex. Great layers of brown eggs and they are good cold weather layers. They tend to get heavy so they end up not being too flighty. Very curious in nature and will often come right up to you to ‘beg’ for a treat. Their speckled plumage offers protection from predators.

Two Wild Cards. Although I am a planner, I love surprises too. So I choose an assorted rare breed where My Pet Chicken gives me what’s available from a rare breed list. I’m hoping I don’t get a Naked Neck.

So I need some help naming these ladies. Girls names only please as I am guaranteed hens. The top twelve ranked names — vote with your Fonz — will get the honor of being my gals’ names. Names already accounted for: Roberta, Oprah, Carol, Hestia, Blaze, Pinstripe, Aimee, Eileen, Patsy and Judy. EDIT: These are names for chickens I already have.

Fun With Wingnuts: The United Nations is Coming for Your Children!

Nothing gets a wingnut angrier than the idea that someone, somewhere might threaten the Murican Constitution. Apparently the country (and in fact the whole world) is full of people who have nothing better to do than sit around scheming about how they are going to take away the rights of Real Americans who live in Real America.

A particularly menacing bogeyman in the wingnut mind is The United Nations. Formed after WWII to prevent the kinds of free for all human slaughter we had during the war, the UN has always been a source of deep right wing suspicion. It’s also always been a great source for fund raising campaigns for wingnut groups who promise to save you from the Blue Helmet Menace.

Watch out! They have guns they're not allowed to shoot you with.

The latest focus of bat shit insanity is the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. The Convention is so controversial that it has been ratified by every UN member except the US and Somalia. It is also supported by total assholes like Oxfam, UNICEF, and the Rhode Island State Legislature. Wingnuts claim that the Convention will rob parents of their rights and allow their kids to become Satanist abortion-addicts who can take them to court when they can’t borrow the car. In reality the Convention prohibits the use of children as soldiers, prostitutes, and porn stars. The only real problem for the US is that it prohibits the execution of minors, and I guess it is really important for us to be able to snuff out 14 year olds for some reason.

Fortunately for America parentalrights.org has stepped forward to keep the UN from dispatching troops to steal our kids and sending them to the EU for reeducation. These patriots have a You Tube account, and they are going to protect you from an organization that nobody listens to and that lacks any enforcement powers. They are also trying to introduce a constitutional amendment preventing enforcement of the treaty, but only Jim DeMint (lulz) seems interested. So what if the UN is trying to create a legal frame work that would punish those who force kids into the battlefield or the brothel, foreigners make us uncomfortable. I can’t imagine why every one else in the world thinks we are such a bunch of jerks. Here’s a little paranoia to get your red, white, and blue blood boiling.

Wisconsin Governor Defies Court Ruling on Labor Union Bill

Governor Walker and State Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald (R- what else?) have tried to circumvent the court ordered injunction against the controversial union busting bill that they passed in early March, reportedly in violation of Wisconsin’s open meeting law. The court order enjoined the government from “any further implementation of the law,” including publishing it in the official state journal which is the official state vehicle for providing notice of new laws to the public.

mtp_walker_full_110227.300w — Governor Scott Walker

The Republicans subverted the injunction by compelling the Legislative and Reference bureau to publish the law that would eliminate collective bargaining for state employee’s unions. There is significant dispute as to whether this actually implements the new law or not. Democrats contend that a law is not enacted until it is published in the official state journal and that additional steps need to be taken by the Secretary of State. The Secretary of State, like the official state journal have been specifically enjoined from performing the functions that would implement this law. Republicans argue that merely the act of publishing the law enacts the new law and that no further steps need to be taken.

There is going to be one pissed off judge reporting to work in Wisconsin today.

Source: TPM

What I Learned From a Video Game About Congressional Redistricting

I confess, the reason why I wanted to do this post was because I thought the idea of a game about congressional redistricting is pretty funny and because it felt like such an odd subject to make a game out of. But, on further thought, I realized that for the layperson, it is an opportunity to get reacquainted with how districts are drawn in the good ol’ US of A. Ok, for me. It was a good chance for me to get reacquainted with it because I totally hated government in high school and tried to spend most of the class asleep. In fact, I really don’t even remember taking it. So, I thought I’d share my findings with you in case you find it useful, what with the census results coming out, 2012 coming up and the Republicans finally starting to get their act together and finding some people who are willing to run.

Anyways, why don’t we start with looking at what redistricting is again. It is the practice where a state government can divide up areas into legislative districts to reflect the density of population and determine how many of the 435 representatives it sends to Congress. Districts are usually redrawn every 10 years after the census is taken, which is why people get really uptight over whether or not you fill a damn form out with something other than the name “Mickey Mouse”.

However, redistricting can also be known by its evil twin name, gerrymandering. That is when districts are divided up in favor of a particular incumbent or political party and can be drawn along voting lines or racial groupings. For example, one way to do this is if you have an area that has a lot of Republicans surrounded by a lot of Democratic voters, the area could be redrawn so that it splits the Republican voters and restricts them to a minority in the two districts. This is legal until someone gets pissed off and brings a lawsuit against it as in the case of Tom Delay and his money-funneling-mid-census-term redistricting spree. Interesting side note: The term was coined when in 1812 the governor of Massachusetts, Eldbridge Gerry, had signed a bill that redistricted it to benefit his party (confusingly named the Democratic-Republic party). One of the districts was said to look like a salamander because of how it was drawn. Someone made a hybrid of the two names resulting in the term gerrymander. For more on redistricting, it is worth taking a listen to this episode of the Diane Rehm show that first sparked my interest.

But, it is pretty common to gerrymander and seems to help shape the country into being even more partisan. So, a game was born. Is it possible to redistrict the US along non-partisan lines? Some people think so. Professor Nathaniel Persily, a guest on the show, has got his students at Columbia Law School trying their hand at it. So, I thought I would too. After clicking past the opening screen, I was presented with quite a few options. I chose the basic fundamental level which is where I’m at anyways.

After the game loaded, I had to choose my party. Now, for someone who is a little anti-party, I bristled a bit but whatever. It’s all in the name of science. The head of my party is Libby Raul. Well, hello there, Libby! Nice Hillary hair and Nancy Pelosi suit.

Next I got my mission. I needed to look at my district representatives to find out their concerns. The first time I went through this, I blindly didn’t care and just went to the redrawing, which is what I’m good at – drawing. I thought I’d try an early period Baroque-esque theme. Apparently all of the reps in my districts are Democrats which is probably because of the basic level.

When redrawing the districts, I had to balance out the populations to be 650K-ish each. But this is the first time around when I did not know I had to look at my representatives’ concerns nor did I realize that all those dots were Republicans or Democrats. I was concentrating more on balancing out the populations, kinda like on Sim City.

Then I had to submit my masterpiece for approval.

Luckily everyone enjoyed my conceptual sense of space and balance and approved my plan. Ultimately there were no court challenges to my artistic awesomeness.

So that’s the game! Besides the artistic factor, I found it a fun and an engaging way to visualize and learn about a subject which has always escaped me up until now.

What could be result of all of this? It could spur more public interest in redistricting law reform to restrict the practice of gerrymandering. And if we are able to redraw lines to reflect a population change rather than favor a particular side, according to Matthew Frankel at the Brookings Institution, it might go a way in encouraging Congress to work across the aisle. At the very least it can help create a better-informed public about our political process and that is always extremely valuable.

LA’s Skyline Doesn’t Need Butterflies or Ads

I’ve seen the LA skyline from just about every possible angle and elevation. The city core has freeways that run on all sides of it and when driving by at the wrong time of day motorists are often going slow enough to be able to appreciate it for a time. When landing by plane LAX is far enough from downtown that you can see it as you approach and get a good perspective on it. It’s not that LA is best known for it’s city skyline, but it’s not known for having an unattractive one.

If a group fronted by Hanjin owned Korean Air gets its way the Los Angeles skyline will begin to resemble Las Vegas with all its glitz and tackiness. The plan is to build a 45 story hotel and adjacent 65 story office building and festoon each with an array of computer controlled LED lights that could form moving images of stars, butterflies and anything else the building management can think up. The project is budgeted at $1B.

The bottom 10 floors would show advertisements while the floors above 10 would show images. To make things worse the top 10% of each building would use the lights to display the major tenants and building owners’ names. It’s not uncommon for a major tenant to negotiate signage rights but the familiar names on buildings do not often scroll by in a stock ticker fashion.

The new buildings would be built where the Wilshire Grand Hotel now sits. The ground level advertisements would look like this:

The whole thing will just end up looking like a 13 year old’s MySpace profile if this is the direction things go.

Images: AC Martin and Christopher A. Joseph & Associates

Source LA Times.

Elizabeth Taylor, Farewell To An Icon

How do you say goodnight to a goddess? Do you float up to her gossamer face and place a gentle kiss upon her cheek? Do you flatter her immensely and tell tales of the beauty and grace she bestowed while wishing her a blessed eternal slumber?

Yes, you most certainly do.

Wednesday, the amethyst light winked out of a classic icon’s eyes leaving us with the irrepressible memories and images that she brought to life, reminding us of those she championed for, those she loved and loved her back, and together, we among the many, remember as we watched in wonder as she lit up the movie screen and defined what it is to be a legend.

Not only have we lost a great actress, a timeless beauty, and a consummate humanitarian, we are ever more witnessing an end to an era. An end to women who never stepped outdoors without their white gloves, or a delicious hatpin, a red, red, lip, or hair so coiffed and perfect that it was an institution. And along with all these glamor trappings, we’re seeing the end to the bawdy dame who mastered refined, regal chic while simultaneously bantering with any man in the room, making him feel as though he is the only one there, whispering conspiratorially with the women in attendance, and turning the heads of just everyone with an infectious laugh, and a well placed hand on an arm. These are things that are not taught, they simply are.

Elizabeth’s movies were sumptuous and luscious, full of zeal, verve, and gumption. As Maggie the Cat in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, you felt every word she spoke, a sultry denizen who held Paul Newman’s Brick in her lustrous gaze, challenging him to love her, despite himself. Butterfield 8‘s Gloria Wandrous was unflappable, desirous, and wore that slip like a powerhouse, rendering us all speechless with the daring topic, and Elizabeth’s delivery. As Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s, Martha, Elizabeth’s boozy anger, obstinate angst, and treacherous tongue gave as good as she got, undeniably. Her Cleopatra was stunning, classic, omnipresent, and lavish, only a role the Queenly Elizabeth herself could execute. Today, actresses would be hard-pressed to find such varied and dynamic roles, and be able to play them in the same unforgettable way. Simply, there will never be another Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor, two-time Oscar winner, screen royalty, and film legend.

The English-born owner of lavender eyes, a double row of covetable lashes, and a litany of jewels that would make any monarch envious, the enigmatic Taylor, was also known for her great loves. And yes, she had several. A self-proclaimed romantic, Elizabeth loved falling in love. So much so, that she married the love of her life, and soul-mate, Richard Burton twice. They were “the most famous film star in the world and the man many believed to be the finest classical actor of his generation.” A pairing of giants, they were. And when you love as much, and as often as Elizabeth, there may be a few bumps in the road, or perhaps a wife in your path. Scandal. Oh, dear, yes. The whole Pitt-Aniston-Jolie scandal is nothing compared to that of Elizabeth’s day. If you’re going to do it, do it big, and Elizabeth did just that. She and Eddie Fisher ruled the tabloids in those days, but what else could you really expect from a goddess, right? Aphrodite never apologized.

When you’re the most beloved Hollywood star in existence what will you do with your retirement? Collect more jewels? Well, maybe. Obtain rare works of art? Certainly. How about found an organization that helps millions of people? Well, if you’re Elizabeth Taylor, naturally. She helped raise more than $100 million to fight AIDS, and after the death of her former costar and friend, Rock Hudson, she co-founded amFAR the American Foundation for AIDS Research, and created her own AIDS foundation, the Elizabeth Taylor Aids Foundation. In 2006, she also commissioned a 37-foot “Care Van” equipped with examination tables and X Ray equipment and donated $40,000 to the New Orleans AIDS task force, a charity designed for the New Orleans population with AIDS and HIV. And remember what I said about being a bawdy dame, yes well, in March 2003, Taylor declined to attend the 75th Annual Academy Awards, due to her opposition to the Iraq war. She publicly condemned then US President George W. Bush for calling on Saddam Hussein to leave Iraq, and said she feared the conflict would lead to “World War III.” Simply, a woman who knows our own heart.

For me, when I think of Elizabeth Taylor I also think of that time in Hollywood that was golden and beautiful and full of real movie stars, not the hackneyed, overnight sensations we often find littering Hollywood films today, but women who were sassy and proud, beautiful and fierce, with names like Betty, Lana, Katherine, Audrey, Ava, Rita, Grace, Natalie, and of course, Elizabeth. I adore this time, and watching all of these ladies light up the screen, even in their not so famous roles. My introduction to Elizabeth Taylor wasn’t in National Velvet, it was her turn as sister Amy in 1949’s Little Women, a story I was fascinated with as a young woman. My next favorite was Father of the Bride starring Elizabeth as Kay and Spencer Tracy as Stanley Banks. In addition to her better known, and bigger received films, watching some of the others was like watching her grow into the accomplished actress she became in a career that spanned decades and generations. It’s hard to believe that she was only 79! She has been a fixture in the world for much longer so it seems.

There is so much you could say about the woman who was. About the woman named for a Queen. A woman who helped millions, entertained millions more, was a teacher in fame, beauty, grace, humility, and undeniable charm. But mostly, we say she was beautiful inside and out, and that will stand the test of time, always.

Goodnight, Dame Elizabeth.

Is Your State For Sale?

It’s no secret that state budgets across the United States are ‘in crisis’. The tumbling tax revenues resulting from a combination of high unemployment rates and tax cuts for corporations and wealthy individuals, coupled with the expiration of federal stimulus funds, has left states in the unenviable position of closing significant budget gaps.

In fits of ~~ignorance~~ rage, voters in several states have tasked Republicans with the arduous task of filling their budget holes. Across the country, right-wing governors and GOP-led legislatures are looking for private sector solutions to public sector problems, and looking to operate the government in a more business-like fashion.

Like any good business, the answer? Fire sale, motherfucker! Eliminate those long term revenue streams in exchange for a lump sum payment up front, increased cost of services to your citizens, and a likelihood of decreased wages for the workers providing those services. In the case of selling an asset, like Ohio governor John Kasich plans to do with its prisons or Scott Walker’s plan to pay back Koch Industries with no-bid power plant sales, that asset is GONE. Off the balance sheet. No longer an asset to the state.

The money up front, of course, is nice. Lump sums help close holes in 1 and 2-year budgets. However, two years from now, when a new budget is due to the state, and these governors are still in charge (barring a recall, which, sadly, in Ohio, doesn’t exist), similar gaps will need filled again. What to sell then? Roads? Parks? The Lottery?

Well, in Ohio, those things are slated to be leased out to private companies. The parks for natural gas drilling, the turnpike to get the maintenance costs off the state’s back, and the lottery? Well, there’s just a lot of money to be made that could be much better utilized by someone who’s already rich than the schools it was originally intended to support. If you’re already leasing out a car, you can’t exactly turn around and sell it to someone else. So, close that door.

Nope, you’ll either have to raise taxes on folks who can afford it (HA!), or cut more services. Schools in the Midwest don’t need heat, do they? If we cram 60 kids into a classroom meant for 30, the body heat alone should be enough, right? I’m not a scientist, but that sounds right.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen some of the numbers associated with these efforts yet. Like any good used car salesman, the politicians associated with these actions like to wait until the last minute to disclose the details of the sale.

However, I’m having trouble with the math on some of these things. In the case of the turnpike, it’s likely that the company that leases it from the state will lay-off and reduce the wages of toll and maintenance workers, raise tolls (see Indiana), and possibly scrimp on certain aspects of maintenance/safety. Wait, that never happens, right?

So, what you likely have: Reductions in tax revenue from workers, a further erosion of the middle class way of life, an increase in real costs to the citizens and businesses that use those resources, and a share of revenue that could go directly to state coffers redirected as profit to a private firm (whose taxes your state probably just cut, helping to exacerbate said budget deficit).

But, those are only leases right? If they don’t work out, the state can always just take back control and operation of the asset.

Sure, except, your state has now disbanded the departments, cut those costs from the budget, and would have to re-create the infrastructure needed to resume operation of the asset in question. That costs money. Real money. Who’s going to pay for that?

Not guys like Kasich, Walker, or their friends and supporters. Believe that.

Facebook Steps Up Efforts to Discourage Underage Users

Facebook policy advisor Mozelle Thompson revealed that the website removes 20,000 user accounts per day that are created by users who are under 13 years of age. The number was revealed at a hearing of the Australian Parliament’s Cyber-Safety Committee. Facebook has faced growing scrutiny of its privacy policies and how they affect teenagers both in Australia and the US.

While the company contends it is making a vigorous effort to weed out preteens, it is a difficult task given that the site has 600 million users worldwide. Last April several Senators, led by Al Franken (D-Mn.) sent a letter expressing concern about Facebook’s privacy controls. Franken stepped up pressure last week over the company’s plans to allow access to user names and addresses. Underage users are a special challenge for Facebook because of concerns over exploitation and exposure to online predators.

This guy really shouldn't have a Facebook profile.

Bigger Isn’t Always Better – Trends in Cosmetic Surgery

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons released a comprehensive report of cosmetic surgery trends through 2010. With all the Real Housewives shows being so successful it’s not surprising that boob jobs are up 40% since 2000. But the really amazing increase is in a procedure called a “lower body lift“, up an astounding 4,550% since 2000. A lower body lift will cost you an average of $7,247. This is likely because the procedures that make up a lower body lift were all sold separately before but have now been conveniently bundled in recent years. Those procedures are a tummy tuck, thigh lift and butt lift.

One of the big losers is the hair transplant down 57% since 2000. Hair styles for men of diminished follicle fortitude has been the close cut or shaved head freeing them from having really terrible plugs that don’t look natural no matter what those late night TV commercials say. Collagen is also down (73%) now that people have seen the light on fish lips, or new materials come on the market. While boob jobs are almost universally popular they’re actually down 30% among women 55 and over.

Data is here. Source NYT.