Culture and Arts

526 posts

Hollywood Heartbreak: More Things That Make You Say Urgh

I love the Rotten Tomatoes site. For me, it’s the best little place to find movie critiques all wrapped up in either a big green splotch, or, and this is truly rare, a large healthy tomato, which indicates “Certified Fresh,” as reported by top reviewers in the business. Simple, but hugely effective.

When tooling around the site in preparation for the newest movies to check out, I’ve noticed more and more green monster splotches. Just hordes and hordes of ’em. A veritable army of bad, crappy, shit-laden shit-cinema. Holy Christmas Crackerjacks! Are there any good movies ever? Yes, yes, I know all the February Oscar stuffers are still playing, so if I haven’t caught The Black Swan (have, it sucked, mostly), True Grit (awesome!), The Kings Speech (Helena Bonham Carter gives me the face palsy), and The Fighter (will see it eventually, despite my disdain for Christian Bale and his gargled goat-bleats when he’s The Dark Knight), then, yes, I really should go see them all and forget anything else in the theater exists. But, well, it isn’t that easy. I love movies.

And, really, how can Hollywood so often get it wrong? Us viewers…we’re not a complicated lot. Just give us good original stories with compelling characters, add a few well-thought out surprises and mostly we’re chomping on that popcorn faster than a ferret through a sock tube. But instead we get the equivalent of dancing dollar bills dressed up like Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.

Where does all this start?

In a new weekly column, I plan to let you in on all the Hollywood stinky little secrets they’re planning for your viewing pleasure. So, if you ever wanted to know who’s greenlighting all this resplendent garbage, well, now you’ll know. Perhaps you’ll learn what to avoid completely, what to watch and mock mercilessly, or what to mock and avoid at your discretion.

Here are some things currently in development:

1) Red Sonja – Hey, Rose McGowan really needs the work! Well, since Robert Rodriguez, McGowan’s director boyfriend, lost this project to Simon West, they’re going a different way. Amber Heard (I have no idea who she is) has been tapped for the lead role. Let’s be honest. While it’s a cult classic and always good for a few laughs, Red Sonja was never a great movie. Brigitte Nielsen was like a mannequin with biceps.

That said, I don’t have much hope that this will be a better version, especially given the casting of Amber Heard, nobody person. It’s like making an already B-movie even B-ierer, if there is such a thing. The saving grace (Not really!) is that they plan to release this thing in between the upcoming Conan movies. (another pitiless reboot.) Strangely I don’t think that will help. We’ll just wonder why it was made at all.

2) Fletch – Once thought to be a Kevin Smith vehicle, but since the Clerks director has decided to retire (and go on the college tour circuit permanently?), there’s been no word on who would reprise the title role, write the damn thing, or helm it as director, for that matter. Nonetheless, Warner Bros. plans to move ahead with reincarnating the 1980’s movie about a smarmy reporter/man of disguise. Who are you thinking for the lead role? My vote is for Joel McHale or Paul Rudd, but since this is an awful idea, prepare for Shia LaBeouf or John Krasinski.

3) Highlander – Um, okay. Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery made this famous, I suppose. Well, I think the SPIKE channel likes to air it, so I guess that means something. There were numerous sequels, and if I’m not mistaken some sort of early 1990’s syndicated show, so it’s not as if the franchise is already suffering from overexposure or anything like that. Of course not. Apparently there is still a need to see immortal warrior dudes fighting it out in kilts and things. I assume they didn’t get the message that the only immortals us viewers like nowadays are vampires.

Neal Moritz, the producer of XXX and the Fast and Furious Franchises is involved, so that’s, uh, something. Basically what I take away from this is that the famous tagline “there can be only one,” isn’t exactly true, now is it?

4) Lethal Weapon – I think we’re all too old for this shit. Warner Bros. strikes again. Nevermind the fact that this movie is so closely related to Rage-a-maniac, Shout Monster Mel Gibson, they’re going full steam ahead with rebooting…well, actually they planned on a Lethal Weapon 5, starring Mel and Danny, but here’s what I think…the rest of the suits in that meeting just fell over dead when they heard that pitch. Just heart stopped, fucking toes up in the air dead. So, they’ve decided to find newer and younger guys to do this crazed man and sidekick retread. This is an awful, dreadful, idea…but hear me out, don’t you just see the guys from Psych doing this? James Roday and Dulé Hill would be awesome, no? No. Okay.

5) Dynasty – Break out the shoulder pads and the rat tail comb because ladies and gents Blake Carrington would like to take you on a bed of rubies. Not totally. The original creators, Richard and Esther Shapiro, are planning a prequel set in the 1960’s. So think Mad Men with more haughty stares and people calling each other “Bitch” with drinks in their hands. Thankfully there isn’t a studio ready to take this one on. But they have hope, boy, do they have hope. You can all thank the A-Team for this. Once you show that making one 1980’s laughable, egomaniacal farce in the wake of several others that have similarly crashed and burned to the ground…the point isn’t to learn from that mistake. No, the plan is to continue. Continue on like nothing happened, and let the critics pick at the dead carcass later, because you’ve made your money. Now you can go buy a boat.

That’s it for now. Your hurl sacks are situated in the tray holder directly in front of you.

Confessions Of An Idiot

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Anyone who has spent any amount of time poking around the internet in the last decade will know that one of the internet’s gale force powers to be reckoned with is the power to make you famous for doing or saying something stupid. In dork-speak I think this malevolence would be referred to as chaotic-neutral. Doesn’t seem to matter what kind of stupid. Funny, dangerous, offensive, et al. If it was recorded, the world will see it and judge. The internet only facilitates.

I feel bad for many of these once and future memes. Haven’t we all said something dumb or had too much to drink and said “I can make that jump”? You’re a liar if you said “no”. That being said I thought I’d volunteer a couple of wickedly dumb things I’ve done in the past in hopes that you may too and we all may judge a little less harshly.

I was an art major in college. Specifically painting. As anyone who has gone to college knows you often enough end up with holes in your schedule that you can’t find anything degree-useful to fill with. After paying tuition the extra class fee seems kinda whatever so I would fill these holes with random classes. Anthropology, ancient Chinese history, whatever. I tried to do it with other art classes if I could which is how I ended up taking a marble carving class.

This class was awesome. I’m glad I took it. For one thing every other sculpture class I took firstly involved a long discussion of what equipment, fumes, radiation, glue, et cetera would kill you. This class started off with “Marble is calcium. You can eat it.”. Win! Maybe that’s what’s wrong with my teeth…

Most art carving is done with a pneumatic hammer these days. However to get the basic chunk of marble ready you need to cut it with a saw. We used handheld circular saws. The particular saws we had were equipped with safety switches whereas holding the button down it was on, slip your thumb off & it went off. I guess this prevents people from setting down saws that have watched too many Tom & Jerry cartoons that would then chase you and have a lunchbox would land on your head.

You know that rule about not wearing loose clothing around dangerous machinery? That’s a good one. Know the one about maybe not using a piece of dangerous machinery while by yourself out in a stoneyard? That one if it hasn’t been written should be.

I was cutting a block of marble by myself after hours with a loose sweatshirt on when said sweatshirt got caught up in the saw wrapped itself around my hand disallowing me from releasing the safety switch and thusly pulling the (running) saw closer and closer to my abdomen.

Fortunately I’m not much for panic. I walked over to where the two extension cords powering the saw went together, pulled them apart with my feet, put away my tools, walked downtown and proceeded to pummel my near death experience with Jack Daniels.

I’m a lot more trepidatious around power tools these days. Evisceration didn’t seem like it’d be much fun.

Oh and if you want to make fun of me for being a girl using power tools poorly I will pre-empt this urge of yours by informing you that I know how to weld. Not solder. Weld.

Found Footage Friday – The Movie that Scared a Generation (in one small Indiana town)

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Hello and welcome to the first Found Footage Friday, where I present all sorts of video footage you may find surprising and entertaining. I’m going to start with something very close to home.

I grew up in Bloomington, Indiana in the 1980s. Home of Indiana University and its esteemed folklore department and a small but thriving public access cable channel. I don’t know if it was a student’s folklore project or something the department decided to do, but if you say “Haunted Indiana” to any Bloomington child of the ’80s, they will tell you how it totally scared the hell out of them when they were kids. We now look back on it with great fondness and, thanks to the internet, it is something I can share with all of you.

It’s a collection of short horror stories based on Indiana folklore, shot on a budget of two buttons and a shoelace with a soundtrack stolen from Hitchcock’s Psycho and narrated by local TV personality Mike White. Here it is in all its glory. There is not much for me to tell you about it, just watch it (it’s less than an hour long) and discover the frightening horror that is Haunted Indiana-

Haunted Indiana Part 1 – Intro

Haunted Indiana Part 2 – Haunted Woods

Haunted Indiana Part 3 – The Cable Line Monster

Haunted Indiana Part 4 – The Campers

Haunted Indiana Part 5 – Burnt (a.k.a. the boring one before the really scary one)

Haunted Indiana part 6 – Monster in the Bedroom

That last one gave hundreds of children nightmares about never waking up the next morning. I hope you enjoyed the movie that was the stuff of nightmares for one midwestern town with a population (at the time) of less than 50,000 people. The world may never known the horror of Haunted Indiana, but now you do. Welcome to our nightmare.

Stray Tracks of the Week (2/14-2/18/11)

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I listen to music constantly, and I’m constantly acquiring new things. So much, in fact, that serious evaluation on an album-by-album basis is impossible. To ensure my musical hoarding doesn’t amount to too much waste, I’ve elected to begin picking out choice tracks from my catch and reviewing them, here. I’m hoping to make this a weekly thing, every Thursday or Friday night, mods willin’.

This week yielded a bumper crop of drone-folk and neoclassical records that I’m falling in love with, along with my usual assortment of House and club music oddities. We start out with Portland, the whitest town on Earth, and its lovely indie-folk.

Laura Gibson & Ethan Rose – Younger (from Bridge Carols on Holocene Music)

Hate to say it, but there’s only one thing remotely problematic with Laura Gibson & Ethan Rose’s Bridge Carols music, and that’s Gibson’s vocal similarity to a great many other indie darling folksters, particularly Joanna Newsom or Regina Spektor (it’s the heaviness of the “ah” and “aw” sounds, I think). It’s not a terrible detriment by any means – indeed, while it wears a bit thin over the entire album, it’s quite effective on a song-to-song basis, particularly in the LP’s first three tracks, the last of which is “Younger”. Ethan Rose’s bed of warm, swooning woodwinds, electro-acoustic trickery (chiming guitar and a bit of… jangling keys, sounds like) and sparingly applied brass evoke the dream-like feel of some of Grouper‘s more romantic tracks, but it only lasts for about half the song – the final 3 minutes are bog-standard, if pleasant, acoustic folk.

Gibson’s lyrics are nonsensical, all stars and fighting and dark places, but it’s fairly difficult to focus on them – the purpose of the song is the mood it creates, and every element of the song sheds definition in service to it. Not the strongest track on the album, but a beautiful and relaxing one all the same.

(“Bridge Carols” looks to be unavailable for purchase in the US on Boomkat, but it’s apparently available via 7digital.)

FaltyDL – Hip Love (from the Hip Love single on Ramp Recordings)

FaltyDL (ne Andrew Lustman) is one of the more prolific producers operating at the moment, releasing some new remix every few weeks and dropping an album or a clutch of EPs (or both) on a yearly basis, and perhaps as a result of that his sound hasn’t really grown in some time. Sure, he’s changed things up a time or two, but ever since he dropped the weirder, more melodic elements of his full-length debut Love is a Liability in favor of straightforward NY Garage revivalism, all his tracks have been either somewhat samey (most every single he’s released in the last year, plus the Phreqaflex EP) or nondescript (Endeavour, a slo-House experiment that should have been much more effective than it ended up being). One gets a sense there’s a definite “quantity over quality” problem occurring here.

While “Hip Love” has all the same elements that make up Lustman’s lackluster tracks (the shuffle in the rhythm and his signature snare / hi-hat sound) it’s apparent that something is just a bit different this time around, and it doesn’t fully register until about the 1:45 mark, when he launches into a jazzy drum machine solo that belies Lustman’s hidden love for jungle. It perfectly fits in with the smoky NYC soul aesthetic articulated through the chanteuse vox and horn brass samples that pepper the track. It’s easily the best thing Lustman’s done since All in the Place dropped almost a year ago.

(You can grab the “Hip Love” single, featuring a remix from Jamie xx of The xx fame, for download over at Boomkat)

Mountains – Map Table (from Choral on Thrill Jockey)

I like drone music of all kinds. Most people, I think, get apprehensive when they hear the term “drone” being thrown around, and not without good reason – the sort of dense, academic tone-music that someone like, say, Keith Fullerton Whitman routinely creates will only appeal to certain people. But there are many disparate and distinct schools of drone music, and perhaps the most accessible of these is folk-drone. Where synth-based drone is often alienating and esoteric, folk-drone tends towards the sort of uplift and sustained bliss that’s commonly associated with its stylistic cousins in post-rock and ambient music. The focus on acoustic instrumentation is a big part of it – there’s a certain vital element introduced in folk-drone that is often missing in more experimental variants of the form.

Mountains’ Choral is a good example. Many otherwise drone-averse listeners will be immediately struck by the sustained, undulating organ (is there a more beautiful sound?) upon which the title track slowly build into a vibrant wall of sound. An entire album of this sort of composition would end up rich but ultimately a little daunting, and Mountains subvert expectations to some extent with the launch of their next song, “Map Table”, which is built almost entirely around an evocatively played acoustic guitar. Comparisons to neo-folk artists like James Blackshaw are probably inevitable, but ultimately the track avoids the sort of showboating that virtuosos like Blackshaw sometimes fall prey to. A little after the 3 minute mark the melody is dropped and the guitar becomes a percussive instrument, creating a sound like bicycle spokes clicking erratically as lulling, murky piano comes to usher the song towards its end. The attention paid to the acoustic guitar is sustained over the next few tracks, holding the otherwise effervescent album together. A little bit of variety goes a long way.

(“Choral” is available digitally from the Fina store. I would strongly advise tracking down a vinyl copy, as it includes two excellent extra tracks)

Deaf Center – The Day I Never Would Have (from Owl Splinters on Type)

I have to credit Svarte Greiner (ne Erik K. Skodvin) and Otto Totland for, in large part, introducing me to “modern classical” fandom. Greiner’s “doom folk” (his album covers are art in themselves) and Totland’s cinematic piano pieces (check out his Nest project’s Retold, you won’t regret it – my favorite record of 2010) helped me develop the patience that’s often required to digest the more deliberate compositions that I seek out in the present day. Their second collaborative LP as Deaf Center, Owl Splinters, is one I plan on reviewing in full at some point in the near future, but I thought I’d take a moment to focus on the album’s centerpiece, the grand epic “The Day I Would Never Have”.

At 11 minutes it seems daunting, but from the moment Totland’s grand piano first makes its appearance the song begins to slowly gain an undeniable momentum. Skodvin’s elegaic, quietly wailing strings surface and they build and build up in intensity, endlessly, upward until the song becomes a seething mass. Then it drops, like a continental shelf, leaving Totland to reintroduce his flitting, graceful piano in an open expanse. It’s a breathtaking piece, almost too effective for the album as a whole to hold, and it delivers fully on the promise of Skodvin and Totland’s collaboration.

(You can buy “Owl Splinters” at Boomkat)

Whew! That took longer than I expected. I might have to stick to 3 or so songs a week or at least work on my brevity problem. Hope you liked some of this stuff! I’ll be back next week, barring excessive school obligations, with more.

City Guide: Cleveland Rocks

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(Author’s Note: City Guide is an effort to serve as both an education about some of the great places on this little planet of ours, as well as offer a resource for folks who might have to travel someplace they’ve never been for work, a wedding, whatever, and don’t want to spend 3 days eating at Applebee’s and drinking Labatt Blue at the hotel bar.)

Frequently, when I tell folks that I live in Cleveland, and have done so for close to 15 years, the looks I get are a combination of pity, bewilderment, and sometimes, disdain. Much of what they know about the city is that the river caught fire in 1969, LeBron James gave us the finger on national TV, and our own residents make music videos mocking the city. Often, it’s accompanied by an assumption that I’m allergic to the sun, love icy roads, or possess an aversion to sports teams that win more than 40% of their games.

I can assure you, dear readers, that it is certainly none of those things (though, I admittedly don’t tan very well). Simply, I love living here. It’s an eclectic, historic city that, like many of its Midwest brethren, is always trying to overcome the image of a sorry, broken down shell of a place. In reality, there’s something for just about everyone here, assuming you get pointed in the right direction. That’s my job.

So? When should I show up? While Cleveland is known as both a football town and a cold weather city, the best time to visit is sometime between early May and mid-late September. It’s the time of year to enjoy the waterfront along Lake Erie (stop snickering), the park system, and the various bar patios around the city (most likely).

I’m here! How do I get around? Chances are, you arrived in Cleveland either by plane or automobile. If you’re going to be here for more than a day or so, or have any interest in exploring beyond downtown, you’ll want to rent a car if you didn’t drive yourself in, or aren’t visiting a friend that can cart your cheap ass around. Things are spread out enough that cab fares aren’t worth it, and Cleveland’s above-ground rail, well, sucks. In most cases, parking isn’t terribly difficult to find, or expensive, especially not by New York or Chicago standards.

Fine, but I’m not sleeping in a rental car. Now what? If I have a quarrel with Cleveland, it’s a lack of unique/interesting hotels. All the major chains are represented, but for a boutique type hotel, you’ll have to trek 10 miles east of downtown, which isn’t worth it for most folks. Stay downtown, please. If you’ve got the cash, and you want some luxury, the Ritz-Carlton on W. 3rd is a beautifully old, but updated, tower of class. For the other 98%, the Residence Inn Marriott on Prospect was completely renovated in 2009-10, is walking distance from most downtown attractions, and inside an historic old building itself.

Terrific, but hotel food stinks. Feed me. Well, my friend, you’ve now landed in the Midwest’s wheelhouse: Food. If you’ve noticed our obesity statistics over the years, you’ve likely concluded that we know how to cook and eat quite well. True enough, and Cleveland is overstuffed with options.

For those of you who dig the celebrity chef thing, Cleveland native Michael Symon (former Iron Chef, current Food Network star) has several restaurants in the area, all of whom rely on local ingredients. The most expensive, Lola, is right downtown. His original restaurant, Lolita, is located in the Tremont neighborhood, and is more moderately priced. Reservations are recommended at both. He also has what’s widely regarded as the best burger place in town, the B-Spot.

Your famous chef doesn’t impress me, what else you got? Slightly less famous is Melt Bar & Grilled, which has encampments on both the near west and east sides, and has been featured on Travel Channel’s Man V. Food. A kitschy amalgamation of hipster and punk rock decor, Melt is a semi-local legend. As you can deduce, the focus here is on grilled cheese sandwiches, but in the grown up way. A word of advice: unless you’ve got three hours to kill, go at an oddly off-peak time of day, or better yet, place the order to go. Melt’s specialty is sandwiches, not turning tables.

The best pizza in Cleveland can be found just west of downtown, at Angelo’s in Lakewood. A thick buttery crust and sauce with just a twinge of sweetness has made it one of the more popular local joints for the last 30 years.

Vegetarians and vegans will do well to stop by Tommy’s in Coventry, on the near east side. Serving the progressive population of Cleveland Heights for decades, Tommy’s has a mix of vegetarian and non-vegetarian options, including spectacular milkshakes for both.

Finally, for authentic Italian, and tons of options, stop by Little Italy. An eclectic mix of old, classic restaurants and new, contemporary Italian offerings are available. Frankly, I can’t identify a restaurant where you’d go wrong in that part of the city.

I changed my mind. I just want to drink.

If you like micro-brews (and who doesn’t?) the absolute number one place to go in Cleveland is Great Lakes Brewery in Ohio City. Bearing at least 12 different high quality beers on tap at any given time, all of them brewed in house, and many of them of the high ABV variety, GLBC is the very best Northeast Ohio has to offer in terms of beer. The food’s pretty decent as well, with a variety of stepped up pub fair.Tip: Start off with the flagship beer, Dortmunder Gold, and finish yourself off with a Blackout Stout.

As an added bonus, there are half a dozen other bars of various size and style within 3 blocks of Great Lakes, and all on the same main thoroughfare, for those that prefer to do a little bar hopping.

No, wait. I want to drink and dance. That’s fine too. You probably want to check out the Warehouse District along West 6th and West 9th Streets. Aptly named for the fact that the bars, clubs, and condos along the lake front are fashioned from old warehouses, the Warehouse District is where a lot of young folks congregate for drinking and dancing. The most low key bar along this stretch is the Map Room on W. 9th, for people who are older than 27, or don’t enjoy getting lightly felt up while waiting 20 minutes for a beer. Alright, so, dance clubs aren’t Cleveland’s strong point, or mine.

I need something more low-key. Then you want either Tremont (highlights include the classier 806, or the more hole in the wall Treehouse, with a giant outdoor space), or the corridor along East 4th St. Both feature a wide variety of bars and great restaurants.

Great, but I already figured out people in the Midwest could eat and drink. What else do you slobs do?

Well, that depends on what you are into. Let’s knock some easy stuff out of the way.

Yes, Cleveland is home to three allegedly professional sports teams. At the time of this writing, not a one of them are worth the price of admission on their own. For people who have an appreciation of the architecture of baseball stadiums, Progressive Field (though here, it’s always going to be Jacobs Field, don’t ask) is a beautiful facility. Tip: Show up about 30 minutes or so before game time, walk up and buy an $8 upper deck ticket, and set up shop at the Batter’s Eye Bar behind center field. It’s a better view, and a full service bar makes the Indians about 50% more watchable.

For the outdoorsy types, the Cleveland Metroparks spread throughout the city, and include the very cool Cleveland Zoo. The parks have over 60 miles of paved trails, many along the smaller creeks and rivers that feed into Lake Erie. The trails are perfect for bicycling, running, or even taking a walk. Frankly, if you ate dinner at Melt and had a night cap at Great Lakes, you could probably use a walk.

What about culture? Cleveland has it in spades: art museums, theater, and music. The highlights:

The Great Lakes Science Center is nerd-topia (in a good way), especially now that they’ve added the NASA visitor center from nearby Glenn Research Center.

The Museum of Natural History is another gem, and a great place to take kids (or, 30 year old men) who are into dinosaurs.

The Cleveland Orchestra is widely recognized as one of the best in the business. The best way to see them is outdoors, at Blossom Music Center in the summer. Rumor has it, you can bring your own wine. Why they don’t allow this for say, Toby Keith, I won’t ask.

For things that aren’t as, well, mainstream, I suggest:

The Tremont Art Walk. About two dozen galleries and locally owned boutiques open for extended hours on the second Friday of each month.

During Christmas, check out the Bazaar Bizarre, a collection of local merchants selling hand-made, quality local clothes, accessories, and art. Like so many events in Cleveland, it takes place in an old warehouse that’s been converted into a multi-floor art space. Another tip: Go early in the day. By lunch time, it gets a little difficult to navigate.

Alright, what can I skip? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, while quite famous, is generally less interesting and interactive than Seattle’s Experience Music Project, despite being much larger in square footage.

Also, orchestra concert aside, if you can avoid Blossom Music Center, please do. It’s in the middle of nowhere, parking stinks, getting in and out is a nightmare, and there hasn’t been a structural or sound system improvement to the place in about 25 years. If you’re in the region and want to see your favorite band, just drive out to Star Lake near Pittsburgh.

Great. Now, I want a souvenir, but shot glasses are tacky. Well then, good sir, you are in luck. The CLE Clothing company sells a number of Cleveland centric shirts and accessories (including stuff to cover ladies no-no parts!). As an added bonus, they sell online, in case you forget to stop by their store downtown.

So, boys and girls, that’s Cleveland. River fire free since 1969!

Images: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cleveland%27s_reflection.jpg

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ojbyrne/2783908574/

The Detroiter: Who Are You People?

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Multimedia performance artist Laurie Anderson would like you to know the following three things:

1. Sydney’s dog population loves rock music.
2. There are no further plans to develop the amusement park she was planning with Brian Eno and Peter Gabriel in Barcelona. Peter Gabriel no longer wants to do it and the saddest thing Ms. Anderson can think of is a modern, high-tech amusement park one year after it’s opened and all the technology has become obsolete.
3. If you want to do a fall tour in Europe, and you’ve never done a tour, let alone been to Europe, email 500 performance spaces in Europe and you’re bound to hear back from some of them. You will get your fall European tour.

Laurie Anderson gave a lecture, entitled Spirit and Opportunity (named after the Martian rovers), at the historic Detroit Film Theater as part of its lecture series on space last night and she wanted to talk about two things: Her stint as NASA’s artist-in-residence and how that influence her later project building Japanese sound gardens for Expo 2005.

She received a call one day back in 2003 and the man on the other phone said that he was from NASA and wanted to invite her to be the inaugural member of their artist-in-residence program. She told him he wasn’t from NASA and after a series of assertions that he was, indeed, from NASA she asked him what an artist-in-residence for America’s space agency even does. The answer?

“We don’t know”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? Who are you people?” Ms. Anderson replied.

“We’re NASA,” the man replied.

Eager to jump on board with a project that had no definition, something completely new, Anderson started visiting NASA sites and annoying technicians. Artists and scientists, she says, are very similar. They must create an idea and then they must execute said idea, working out the problems as they go along.

She was especially excited by a white board she came across that showed a series of problems the scientists were working on with terraforming Mars. In other words, making Mars look like Earth which caused Ms. Anderson to sarcastically remark that we as a species have done such a fine job perfecting our own planet. She, if you did not know, is against manned space travel. She thinks that it’s a waste of time given the advancement of robotics, a mere propaganda tool to advance nations over their enemies, much like Neil Armstrong landing on the moon was a great victory for America during the Cold War. She does admit, however, that she got very excited about manned space travel during “the Kennedy thing.”

The Terraforming Mars project, by the way? It’s scheduled to be completed in ten thousand years.

Not everyone at NASA was too pleased with her though. Astronauts had no time for the short, androgynous woman with the artist-in-residence namebadge and the people in charge of colorizing the photographs received from the Hubble Telescope (the Hubble does not actually take pictures, it merely sends a series of data that are then organized into pictures) were not so happy when she questioned their heavenly color scheme of pale pinks and pastel blues.

“People like it,” they said. And NASA is an organization that relies heavily on a positive public opinion.

Laurie Anderson would like you to know a fourth thing

4. China is currently in international court claiming ownership of the moon. The Russians say they were there first, the Americans say they had the first people there and the Italians? Well, they saw it first.

Laurie Anderson was the first and last artist-in-residence as the people in charge of the budget decided that $20,000 to have an artist look around and be inspired by the program for a year was an outrageous, unnecessary expenditure. Ms. Anderson has campaigned for it’s reinstatement ever since so that other artists may get the opportunity accorded her.

Part of their problem with the program, she thinks, is with the work she decided to produce upon completion of the experience: a long-form poem entitled “The End of the Moon.” She thinks that, as a multimedia artist, they thought that she would do something with bouncing lights off of satellites and onto the moon in a sort of cosmic light show and they were disappointed with her creation. She said in a Q&A portion after the show, that no new work (other than the poem) had come from the experience, but in quoting a selection from her suggestion for Crasstalk’s book club*, she said “Who told you that to be a good person, you had to be a productive person?”

She wasn’t completely unproductive, however. A year later, when working on Expo 2005 in Aichi, Japan, she was concerned with gardens, and what they meant. The Japanese don’t think of gardens the way we do and in the Japanese language, the word for garden translates to setting stones. Japanese gardens are stone arrangements and, working with a Japanese architect (the preparation for this exhausted her as the Japanese work ethic was a culture shock to the already hardworking artist), she studied how they work as spaces and how to incorporate sound and visual.

Working in a space about the size of Central Park, Anderson came up with a series of solutions that answer the problem “How do we see?” An aquascope that is basically a tube that lets you see underwater (there are no lenses, it is merely a tube) A box of air that created imagery of moving birds and a series of haiku sticks in different languages.

Ms. Anderson loves haiku because it captures a moment. She came up with one on the spot:

Cold Icy Morning
A Puppeteer Blinks
What am I talking about?

She also incorporated haiku into a fountain that, when water rippled the water, spread various translations of various haiku throughout the water, though it was unclear if this was a visual or a tonal piece.

There was a bridge that, when you held onto the rail while walking across it, caused a unique tune produced by gongs sounding softly against the river and the space as designed by the architect started out very dark, until it turned scary, then awful until, finally your life felt over.

A garden by Xanax.

The piece that captivated me, however, involved mud. She had noticed that the Aichi soil had a remarkable similarity to what we know of Martian soil and designed a piece wherein plasma screen televisions would be set into the ground, their cover appearing to be a thin sheet of water that displayed images captured by the Martian rovers, Spirit and Opportunity. She recalled being in the control room when Spirit and Opportunity landed on Mars. All of the engineers who had worked on the project were there, each one of them only designing a small portion of the robot. Nobody knew exactly how they actually worked, and no one knew exactly where they were until the numbers started coming in. Remember, there are no cameras in space, only data and numbers. The numbers showed that the robots had entered the atmosphere. The numbers showed that the robots had released their parachute. The numbers showed that the robots had landed. The numbers showed that the robots had unzipped themselves from their case and started basking in the sun in order to fully power up. And then?

There are no cameras on space, but, thanks to NASA, there are cameras on Mars.

She gave a Q&A and then left after going ten minutes over. In case you were wondering, by the way, she wore a boxy black suit with a white shirt , and red flats with matching red socks.

Laurie Anderson with Red Shoes — Photo: Matthew Piper

My friend and I, quite invigorated from the experience but not yet ready to drive home decided to head over to the famed Scarab Club for their poetry series. We were able to catch the last two poems from the mesmerizing William Copeland, though were sad to have missed the previous poets as we thought the event was from 8-930, not 7-830. The Scarab finished their Silver Medal Exhibition earlier in the week and had debuted a new gallery of work, three of which caught our eyes (unfortunately, they only had the listings from the previous show so I currently do not know who created these works).

A doorway with striations of sticks coated in graphite
A series of photographs of images from years past (painting, photograph and mural) covered with their modern corollary. An image of Diego Rivera’s “Detroit Industry” mural was covered with a piece of photojournalism, the caption of which announced the opening of a new car plant in Turkey.
Paintings on wood and a sculpture that told the tale of a claustrophobic animal cracker with a broken leg.

————————————————————————————————————————————————

The Detroit Film Theater is located at the John R entrance of the Detroit Institute of Arts at John R and Farnsworth. They are open Friday through Saturday and are currently showing the Academy Award Nominated Short Films and Lust for Life starring Kirk Douglas. Vision and Sampson & Delilah start next weekend. Tickets are $7.50 and $6.50 for students and members of the DIA. The full lecture calendar, along with further information on the Detroit Institute of Art including current and upcoming exhibitions can be found on www.dia.org

The Scarab Club is located at 217 Farnsworth across the street from the Detroit Film Theater entrance. Galleries are free and open to the public Wednesday-Sunday from 12p-5p. They also have weekly life drawing sessions on Thursdays and Saturdays that are free to members and $7.00 to non-members. There are also a number of special events including Third Thursdays and Brown Bag along with Costume Balls and Garden Parties that are member exclusive. In conjunction with WRCJ 90.9 FM, The Scarab Club hosts a monthly night** of chamber music that costs $20 at the door, $18 if ordered in advance and $10 with a student identification. More information about The Scarab Club can be found at www.scarabclub.org

*Laurie Anderson’s Book Club selection is How To Be Idle by Tom Hodgkinson. It discusses productivity and its meaning in a world where we are experiencing technological burnout.

**The Scarab Club sponsors and runs the night of chamber music. However, the event only takes place at The Scarab Club every other month. The next night will be March 6 and will take place at The Scarab Club

Note: If you’re hungry after a visit to the DIA, The Scarab Club or anywhere in Detroit’s Cultural Center, I suggest a trip to the Cass Cafe for cheap, good food and drinks along with what is always an eclectic sampling of local art. The Cass Cafe is located at 4620 Cass Avenue at the corner of Forest Avenue.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to email 500 European performance spaces about the European tour of my exciting new piece “Gee, I’m Drunk”

Face Off Liveblog/Loveblog

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Welcome to the Face-Off liveblog open thread! If you’re not familiar with a liveblog/loveblog/open thread, just hang out, watch the show, and comment away! It really is that simple, but I’m sure you already know that.

If you’ve been watching Face Off, you know the deal. Special effects “artists” compete by completing challenges under given time limits, and being ripped apart by a panel of judges. It’s a pretty awesome show, but the absence of Tim Gunn renders it inferior to Project Runway, which incidentally kind of started sucking, but hopefully will be back in awesome action during its next season, but I digress. Like, a lot.

So far this season, they’ve done nude body painting, created aliens from some planet that I guess was made of water, drew/painted/licked on fake tattoos, and something in the first episode that I didn’t watch, so fill in the blanks for me if you like (upon checking the website, it looks like they gave people bug heads). They also slept during challenges, made big boo-boos, bitched, flirted, and made cakes.

As for the contestants, they’re a pretty motley crew, which is to be expected for special effects artists I suppose. I’d love for the producers to throw us someone who is actually unpredictable like a guy who works in a bank and wears a tie to match his socks every day. However, our crew is a pretty colorful bunch and I wouldn’t trade any of them. Except for Tom.

Tom, aka Captain Ego has his own FX shop and I guess actually has somewhat of a career in indie film. Sweet. He has some other interesting things going on I think, but I can’t remember specifics over the sound of his massive ego.
Gage, the token gay cutie with the ear gauges apparently has awesome parents who bought him a special effects magazine when he was a kid because he was terrified of Freddy Kreuger, in an attempt to make him less scared. He was also a protégé of Tom, which Tom was sure to let the audience know in the first episode.

Anthony owns a studio called “Demonic Pumpkins Studio”, which is a pretty kick-ass name. He also won the nude painting challenge in episode 2 and claimed it was “Better than winning any Academy Award”. Aim high, Anthony.
Megan; a 24 year old Pittsburgh suicide girl, has a not-at-all subtle crush on Conor and hasn’t seen a penis in 2 years (true story). She attended Tom Savini’s Special FX school of Makeup, also in Pittsburgh. She’s also way high strung and I predict there will be the throwing or intentional exploding of something messy in the future from her.

Conor is the 40 year old that either likes them young, or is a gigantic tease – maybe both. He apprenticed for the makeup artist for Dick Tracy, although I’m not sure they had scary monsters. Other than Madonna, naturally. He also works on the Vampire Diaries and is an instructor at the Joe Blasco Makeup School. These schools get way creative with their names, don’t they?
Marcel, the 24 year old anti-Top Chef Marcel, already has a shaved head and has yet to use foam in anything. He’s a vet assistant by trade which… wait, what? He seems like a decent guy and actually has skill though, so is he the dark horse of Face Off? Am I even using that term correctly? It’s my first time.

Sam hails from Decatur, GA, where she practices and teaches “permaculture”, creates make up effects – for who or why, I’m not sure, and illustrates the chalk board at her local Trader Joes. I wonder if she’s frenemies with the chalkboard illustrator at Starbucks. She also does corporate art and custom prosthetics and has a hippie mom. Good for her.

Jo is Mila from PR’s hapless doppelganger. She not only fucked up in the first episode, but she painted her model in the nude body painting challenge with latex paint, which the audience learned both has a tendency to peel off of human skin, as well as feeling rather itchy and horrible. The judges liked it anyway though, so she was safe. More recently, she showed blatant jealousy of Megan and Conor’s “relationship” and wore a sour face pretty much the entire series so far.

Finally, there’s Tate, whose mom was an artist and his dad a boxer, which means he’s probably financially supporting them by now. He’s done a few cool things, most notably prop fabrication for Jim Henson studios, which is pretty high on the awesome meter, but he’s not standing out yet to me – the person who has no experience in this stuff beyond going to see movies with makeup effects.

Our host, one McKenzie Westmore has an illustrious career, seemingly due to her family being the Barrymores of the special effects world. Her dad created a whole shit-ton (Yes, that’s a unit of measure, per me) of awesome aliens for Star Trek and her great-grandfather was some other movie guy who was apparently successful enough to get the ball moving on getting the entire family on the Hollywood walk of fame. Also, her dad dresses exactly like my dad, therefore is adorable and by rights should be a republican from western Pennsylvania. Ms. Westmore also has a bit of an acting career, most of which seems forgettable, but apparently she was on NBC’s soap opera, Passions, so there’s that.

Finally, our shrewd judges include Ms. Ve Neill, the brains behind the looks in Pirates of the Caribbean and Edward Scissorhands. That might be a bit of hyperbole, but I like to think of her that way. She also won three Academy Awards, which I hear is kind of a big deal. Also, Glenn Hetrick of Heroes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the FREAKING X-FILES people, and Patrick Tatopoulos, who had a hand in Underworld, Independence Day, and Resident Evil: Extinction.

For tonight’s challenge, Friday the 13th director, Sean Cunningham stops by to see how the contestants do with creating their very own horror movie villains. Something tells me no one is going to make cute little satanic woodland creatures this week. What do you think the over-under is on a murderous clown being created? How about a SEXY murderous clown?

Ok kids, this is our first time and we want to be able to come back, so dispose of your cigarette butts, roaches, and beer bottles properly, leave the place cleaner than we found it, and be sure to write a nice thank-you note to the owners of the joint before you leave. The show starts at 10 Eastern Time on Syfy, so be there or be… well, just be there really. Enjoy the show!

*So the show starts off with the contestants discussing Frank. Apparently, he’s one of those hate him or love him types. Being that he slept during two challenges and openly slacked off, I’m not seeing the appeal, but maybe people like that kind of thing?

*Bates motel! I think I’m seeing the problem with this show. These contestants need to start wearing khakis and polo shirts. This whole multiple piercings/tattoos thing clearly doesn’t work. Except for with the judges, so… never mind.

*Is “Go big or go home” the new, “I’m not here to make friends”?

*Jo does not like Megan. She really really super extra does not like Megan. Ask her about it, I’m sure she’ll tell you. She’s making a disfigured nun, by the way.

*Now Jo’s having her patented insecure time and fishing for compliments. I’m a horrible person because I would have told her it was terrible just to shake her up. As a wise man said, sometimes when you go fishing, you catch a boot.

*Now the contestants are pitching their ideas to the PR girl. They have to come up with a movie name, tagline, and of course, the villain. Some are good, some are not. For example, one movie is to be named “HIM”. You know, in reference to the guy the movie is about. Alrighty then.

*Conor’s tagline; “Death is just the beginning”. That’s been used before, hasn’t it? In other news, Megan’s super annoying. I’m starting to see Jo’s side.

*So Tom doesn’t know how to make a teddy bear. Really Tom? What have you been doing with your life?

*Marcel made a boo-boo. He almost didn’t get get his silicone out of the mold, which I gather isn’t a good thing because a.) you kind of need it for your villain, and b.) I hear it takes a long time to set .

*So Nicholas Cage is the official go-to guy for shitty action movies now, right?

*Gage made the same boo-boo Marcel did, only his mold isn’t opening. Megan comes over to “help” and rips the mask. Gage is understandably not happy.

*Anthony states he’s re-creating things that have already been done. As I said before – Aim high, Anthony.

*Ah, Tate’s “Him” is a chick.

*Jo’s proud of her nun, but I’m not sure I should be that impressed. It’s basically a burned woman with buck teeth.

*Anthony threw his away – it blows. He said it himself.

*Conor’s is just fucked up. There’s no other way of putting it.

*Sam’s “Baby Doll” is terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. They need to make a movie about it.

*Megan has a creepy photographer guy who looks like Marilyn Manson. Yawn.

*Marcel’s was pretty ok. So was Gage’s. He made some deformed fisherman, which looks like, well, a deformed fisherman.

*Tom’s is some sort of murderous teddy bear humanoid holding a human head. I can’t wait to see how this turns out for him.

*Conor, Sam, and Jo are safe. Being that Sam’s doll is going to give me nightmares, I thinks she should have won this challenge.

*Gage gets really good praise. I guess they didn’t hear about the prosthetic that almost wasn’t.

*Oh, Anthony – “I’m more into mental horrors than a brute standing in a doorway hacking people up”. The looks he got were priceless. I’d feel bad for him, but I don’t.

*Megan and her floppy hat are being criticized because her scary photographer guy’s mouth can’t move, so basically, he’s useless.

*Tate got good reviews, and when you look at the creation, he really worked his ass off. Good job, Tate.

*Marcel just made a reference to the limited amount of time he had to complete the costume. He did NOT just say that after Tate was up there.

*Ok, Tom’s teddy bear axe murderer is pretty damn scary. Disturbing, even. He pulled off a win for this one. Good job, Captain Ego! Speaking of Captain Ego, he pontificates that Megan should go home (because the judges asked him). I have a feeling she’s going down.

*You guys, I can’t imagine how Liam Neeson was able to make a movie about losing his wife after actually losing his wife. My cold, blackened soul feels sad for him.

*Elimination time! Poor Marcel and his shitty paint job and concept is out. I’m never right about these things! This is why I don’t gamble.

Next week on Face Off – a gender challenge of some sort. May be interesting, it might be not – the only way to find out is to watch! Or DVR – that works too. Goodnight!

Back to the Island! 5-0 Style!

33 comments

I know you missed my updates from the 50th (and 3rd-Awesomest) state.

I’m sorry! The holidays and whatnot. I’d like to say that you didn’t miss much on Hawaii 5-0, but you did. You missed so much!

But, we can’t go back in time, so we are just going to have to pick up with this week’s lessons about National Security, Fashion, and Shaved Ice. Don’t worry. You don’t have to have seen the episode. This is all about what we can learn about the world around us. 5-0 Style!

Recap!

Fake pirates kidnap rich kids off of a boat and ask for ransom. 5-0 saves the day!

Pirates are Everywhere!

One of the main things I learned this week? Pirates are everywhere. (It was right there in the header.) Apparently, they are a huge problem in Hawaii. So huge, in fact, that if you want to kidnap somebody, you should totally just pretend to be a pirate. Because then you will just blend in with all the other pirates.

(Note: Apparently it helps if you dump a dead pirate on the deck. This is very convincing.)

Other things we learn later about real Hawaiian pirates:

They don’t kill people, just rob them.
People who kill people are fake pirates.
HOOYAH is apparently the name for the pirate code of silence. (A real pirate said it during interrogation. This one in particular might come in handy.)
If you have a specific engraving on your watch, the pirate will not pawn your watch, but wear it, just in case he needs an alibi for a kidnapping that occurred at the same time he stole your watch.

(Note: These things may only apply to Hawaiian pirates. I make no promises that they will work on other pirates. If you are near Somalia, you are on your own.)

Nick Lachey’s Lover is Trapped in the Closet!

I hate love hate love! obvious examples of Chekhov’s gun. You know the old saying “If there is a Nick Lachey in the scene, somebody is going to get shot by the end of the episode.” Well, at the beginning of this episode:

The only person left on the boat when 5-0 shows up is a super-cute girl that hides in a closet on the main deck. Sorry, do I hear bells ringing in my head?

Her boyfriend who meets her at the dock is Nick Lachey, and they leave together “never to be seen again.” HOLY SHIT THOSE BELLS ARE LOUD!

(Note: If at this point you predict that she will be the one who has to bring the ransom to the head bad guy at the end, who turns out to be…Nick Lachey (WHAT?!), you have seen television before.)

Technology Rules!

5-0 has a Surface, or whatever those table computers are called that can take an excel spreadsheet and magically turn all the matching squares into neon green blocks with “MATCH!” written in comic sans. It’s like the world’s most powerful “My First Matching Game!” But that wasn’t the cool part.

They also take “biometric” mug shots of your eyeballs so they can match your face to people in ski masks that have eyes that look exactly like NICK LACHEY! But that is not the cool part either.

They also have a button on all police computers that you touch and it “Transfers call to 5-0.” I’m sorry. Did I say computer? I meant computer screen! That was even cooler, but still not the cool part.

McGuffin or McGarble or Tall Guy has an iPhone App that just shows every kind of gun to a witness for identification purposes. I call it “Gunphone.”

“This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* THIS ONE?! IT WAS AN AK-47!”

(Note: She is in on it! Why is she correctly identifying the gun?! Also, why do bad guys always use the same gun? “We matched ballistics to 400 other crimes on that island over there.” Also, couldn’t they have just figured out the type of gun by those exact same ballistics? Also, what does it matter?!)

*****

Break 1: Subtle Product Placement Edition: The families of the missing kids are all staying “at the Hilton.” Very smooth MacGuffin!

Break 2: Grace Park walks in wearing a red/pink top and green pants. My wife says “Why does she look like a watermelon?” I do not say: “Honey, Grace Park never looks like a watermelon.”

Break 3: Have I mentioned that their primary “man on the street” is a sumo-wrestler trainee who runs a shaved ice stand and gets his “intel” from “what I read in the paper.” 5-0 style!

*****

Pawn Shops Suck. Explode them!

At some point in the episode they needed information from a guy that runs a pawn shop. I don’t know why. I don’t care. Something to do with a single golden money clip that tied the entire case together. Here is what I do know. Pawn shops are always shady. Always. Is there a not shady pawn shop anywhere in the world? I think that if the guy at the pawn shop won’t help you out you should strap a grenade to the door of his office and then run out the front door. Fortunately for me, McGrudel agrees. BOOM! Maybe you’ll speak to 5-0 now Mr. Shady Pawn Shop Guy.

Sexy Time!

There is always some unnecessarily “sexy” element to 5-0. This week it was how all the young kidnap victims were being held in a hot cage all half-naked. They looked like a commercial for Skins or something. It was totally inappropriate. Also, hot. Later in the episode they are trapped in a sweaty school bus. That was just creepy.

5-0 Don’t Care!

Armed kidnapping in international waters! Forget the FBI! Fuck the Coast Guard! 5-0 Don’t Care! State Police Task Force in the HOUSE!

Paying ransom to kidnappers like everybody says you are supposed to? No fucking way! 5-0 Don’t Care! We are going in armed and strong. Paying them will just lead to disaster! One kid’s dad ignored 5-0 and paid their family’s share of the ransom anyway. When the kidnappers killed a hostage for only paying part of the ransom, guess who they killed? That’s right punk. Listen to 5-0 next time! Because 5-0 don’t care! Paying = disaster!

After the kid died, 5-0 decided to pay up after all. Changing plans for no reason!? 5-0 Don’t Care!

*****

Break 4: Fight scene in a bar! (Doesn’t matter why.) (a) Grace Park can jump from the middle of one escalator to another and kick somebody in the face. (b) A guy named Bobby ran really fast. His hair looked like it was in a Flock of Seagulls cover band (he did not), and when he ran it started flapping like wings.

Break 5: Survivor Commercial. A former marine says that the best part of Survivor is no one is shooting at you. No Mr. Marine, that is the worst part about Survivor.

*****

How Did It End?!

According to the kidnappers, cute-girl-from-the-closet (remember her?) was the only one who could take the ransom to some dirty, sticky, warehouse or dock or whatever, filled with naked-kidnapped-teenagers, BECAUSE SHE IS IN ON IT! Who else knew that? That’s right 5-0 did! The money was just phone books! Thank goodness we don’t use phone books anymore, so they could just waste them all like that. “What are we going to fill the bags with?” “I don’t know. How about all those phone books over there?”

Anyway, BOOM! POW! Some disco lights go off or something. Nick Lachey runs and jumps into a trolley! McGrawhillber shoots him! Everybody lives except the kid of the punk-ass dude that did not listen to 5-0.

Moral!

Listen to 5-0! If you don’t, your kid will die! 5-0 don’t care!

Verdict!

Not enough Scott Caan.

Tracking the Crazies: Fruitarians

144 comments

Did you know that group of people who only eat fruit based on the theory that fruit is “Mother’s milk” from the earth. If you eat seeded fruit then poop out the seeds, you are repopulating the fruit population. So, clearly, it’s a circle of life situation and so nature clearly intended for everyone to only eat fruit. There are people who religiously believe this.

Here’s the website where some of them gather if you don’t believe me. You can waste quite a bit of time on this site if you’re bored at work. You might be surprised to learn that “fruit” includes sprouted seeds and nuts, which is a darned good thing, because otherwise I think you’d pass out from hunger on this diet. Fruitarians only eat raw food on the theory that it is living food and therefore has special powers to heal you and make you more complete and happy. Much like other raw foodists (there are others that embrace the vegetable family and some that even eat raw meat GAH), they believe that cooking food destroys important enzymes.

Here’s a quote from the website (I really can’t put this any better) “the fruitarian participate in the nature way of propagating life, spreading the seeds of fruits (we co-operate with the reproduction of new trees and new fruit) and living without killing any form of life which happens when eating vegetables (you have to plant them again).”

Isn’t this awesome? I am dying to know how much time and energy goes into preparing the average fruitarian meal. Next, I start to wonder about the cost, especially in the winter time. I’m a firm believer in eating more fruits and vegetables (even though vegetables are murder according to this theory) and I think most people could stand to eat more produce.

However, I don’t think planning your diet should take upwards of 50% of your time or your budget and I have trouble picturing how you’d manage this diet efficiently.

There are some critics of fruitarians out there. Some are former fruitarians. One wrote that many fruitarians become obsessed with their diets and bowel movements and often become socially isolated. I have hunch that discussing diets and bowel movements are related to the social isolation. Other people experience intense cravings and go on non-fruit binges. It’s not hard to see how that happens either.

My criticism is that this diet sounds awfully religious and that anytime your diet becomes a religion or obsession, you are probably barking up the wrong tree. There are some excellent explanations and critiques of this and other extreme diets at this site if you want to learn more.

It’s (Not) The End of the World

67 comments

“They say that the world will end in December 2012. The Mayan elders are angry with this. The world will not end. It will be transformed.” – Carlos Barrios

(Title changed because of an insight that Arken made in the comments.)

In 1999, at the height of the pre-millennial Y2K panic that had seemingly swept the U.S., I sought out a deeper understanding of the apocalyptic mindset that was behind this widespread collective fear I was witnessing at the time. I find it to be quite relevant as we approach the time of many prophecies: the year 2012.

To be clear, this is not science or any kind of factually-based theorizing. It is my interpretation of the writings of a man that comes from a long history of Mayan wisdom.

I came upon the writings of a Mayan historian and anthropologist named Carlos Barrios, who had been studying with traditional Mayan elders for over a quarter century, since the age of 19. As I read his main article on the subject of apocalyptic predictions – which is very hopefully entitled “The World Will Not End.”

Mr. Barrios is a historian and anthropologist. Many years ago, he began studying with traditional elders (at the age of 19). He and his brother Gerardo began a deeper inquiry into the various Mayan calendars. They studied with many teachers, and Gerardo interviewed nearly 600 traditional Mayan elders to widen their scope of knowledge.

The Mayan Calendars’ comprehension of time, seasons, and cycles has revealed itself to be expansive and sophisticated. The Maya understand 17 different calendars, some of them charting time accurately over a span of more than ten million years. The calendar that has steadily drawn global attention since 1987 is called the Tzolk’in or Cholq’ij.

According to Mr. Barrios’ interpretation of what his Mayan elders taught him, from that 1987 until now, we have been in a time when much of the materialistic world is disappearing, slowly but inexorably. We are on the verge of an era when peace begins, and people live in harmony with Mother Earth.

As we pass through a time of transition there is a colossal, global convergence of environmental destruction, social chaos, war, and ongoing Earth changes. All this, Mr. Barrios says, was foreseen via the simple, spiral mathematics of the Mayan calendars.

“It will change,” Mr. Barrios has said. “Everything will change.” He said that Mayan elders view the Dec. 21, 2012 date as a rebirth. This process has already begun, Mr. Barrios suggested. “Change is accelerating now, and it will continue to accelerate.”

If the people of the earth can get to this 2012 date in good shape, without having destroyed too much of the Earth, Mr. Barrios said, we will rise to a new, higher level. But to get there we must transform enormously powerful forces that seek to block the way.

According to Mr. Barrios, we are living in the most crucial era of the Mayan calendars and foretellings. All the prophecies of the world, all the ancient traditions, are coming together now. The spiritual ideal of this age is conscious action. Many powerful souls have been born in this era, with a lot of power. This is true on both sides, the light and the dark. High magic is being utilized by the light and the dark.

Mr. Barrios received a message from a Mayan elder in the mountains of Guatemala, who called for human beings to unite in alignment of life and light. Right now, individually and collectively, we are all going our own ways. The Guatemalan elder said there is hope if the people of the light can come together and unite in some way.

Elaborating on this, Mr. Barrios explained that we live in a world of polarity: day and night, man and woman, positive and negative. Light and darkness are a balance for each other. The dark side is very strong, and clear about what they want. They have their purpose clearly held. On the light side, everyone thinks they are the most important, that their own understandings, or their group’s understandings, are the key. There’s a diversity of cultures and opinions, so there is competition, diffusion, and no single focus.

As Mr. Barrios sees it, the dark side works to block unity through denial and materialism. It also works to destroy those who are working with the light to get the Earth to a higher level. They like the energy of the old, the materialism. They do not want it to change. They do not want unity. They seek to unbalance the Earth and its environment so we will be unready for the alignment in 2012. We need to work together for peace. We need to take care of the Earth that feeds and shelters us.

Mr. Barrios says that we are at a critical moment of world history. “We are disturbed,” he said. “We can’t play anymore. Our planet can be renewed or ravaged. Now is the time to awaken and take action.” He offered suggestions to help people walk in balance through the years ahead. “The prophesied changes are going to happen,” he said “but our attitude and actions determine how harsh or mild they are.”

Following is a guide that he recommends:

• Meditation and spiritual practice are good, but also action. It’s very important to be clear about who you are, and also about your relation to the Earth.

• Develop yourself according to your own tradition and the call of your heart. But remember to respect differences, and strive for unity. Eat wisely. A lot of food is corrupt in either subtle or gross ways. Pay attention to what you are taking into your body. Learn to preserve food, and to conserve energy. Learn some good breathing techniques, so you have mastery of your breath.

• Be clear. Follow a tradition. It is not important what tradition, your heart will tell you, but it must have great roots.

• Go to the sacred places of the earth to pray for peace, and have respect for the Earth which gives us our food, clothing, and shelter. We need to reactivate the energy of these sacred places. That is our work.

Article Source:

Manatak American Indian Council

http://www.manataka.org/page1578.html

SEE ALSO: “2012 is Fiction” by plmyshkin

http://crasstalk.com/2010/12/2012-is-fiction/