Welcome to the liveblog of the 2011 Oscars Red Carpet! It’s Missing Peace, Dancing Queen, and 2/3 of Ms. Anthropy here with your Academy Awards coverage. While we are excited about the show and have been making our picks for the winners all week, we have to admit that the red carpet is what we get most excited about. The action starts on E! with live red carpet coverage at 6 ET/3 PT and moves to ABC when the ceremony begins at 8 ET/5 PT and at that point, we will move to another post because we have so much to say about everything Oscars! Continue reading
Culture and Arts
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We are nearing the top of Hollywood’s Mount Kilimanjaro and just have a few…more…steps before reaching the summit.
Today, I want to share with you one of my favorite recipes. It’s super easy and makes a great gift, but it’s perfectly O.K. not to share the results with anyone. I always make these during the Holidays as a gift for some of my company’s top clients, and the one feedback I consistently receive is that they are gone within minutes. I believe the two keys to this recipe (and most other cookie recipes) is to chill the dough while you are preheating the oven (about 20 minutes) to prevent cookie spread (nobody likes a thin cookie), and using a teaspoon (instead of a tablespoon) to shape the cookies in order to create a bite-sized treat.
Double Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies
Total prep time: About 30 minutes
Total cook time: 8 to 9 minutes per batch
Ingredients
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened at room temperature [you can use salted butter if that’s all you’ve got, and feel free to use the microwave to soften the butter]
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour [you can substitute self-rising flour here, just omit the salt and baking powder]
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup rolled oats
4 ounces semi-sweet morsels [just over 1/2 cup]
4 ounces white morsels [just over 1/2 cup]
Directions
Cream the butter and sugar until the mixture is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract and mix together. Add the flour, baking powder, and salt. Mix thoroughly. Add the oats, white morsels, and semi-sweet morsels and stir until well combined. Chill the dough in the refrigerator for about 20 minutes.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper. Place teaspoon-sized spoonfuls a few inches apart on the cookie sheet. Bake for about 8 to 9 minutes, until the tops of the cookies turn light golden and the edges just start to brown. Let cookies cool on the sheet for about 3 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack. Try not to eat all of them in one sitting.
Store leftover cookies (how do you have any left?!) in an airtight container. They will keep for about 5 days, and can also be frozen for up to 3 months. I like to put my leftover cookies in the microwave for about 10 seconds to soften the chocolate before I dig into them again.
Share any suggestions and substitutions, or pimp your favorite recipe in the comments!
So, dear friends, we had a grand plan to publish one Oscars story each day this week and then ACCOUNT SUSPENDED happened. That’s okay though because we know it was just Crasstalk winning the Internet. We are all Honey Badger about it.
What that means, though, is that today is all about the Oscars! Missing Peace, Dancing Queen and Ms. Anthropy are on it to bring you a full day of Academy Awards coverage. We’re starting with a fashion pre-cap this morning to get you warmed up for the main event – a liveblog of the show tonight, starting with the red carpet coverage on E! at 6 ET/3 PT and switching to ABC when the ceremony begins at 8 ET/5 PT. Join us – no false eyelashes, boobs, or smiles required!
We are dying to launch right into the fashion review of tonight’s Parade of the Stars but FIRST!, we offer a look into the fashion trends as displayed by the men and women who have strutted, peacock-like, down this season’s red carpets that don’t matter because they are not The Oscars. The pressure of being a stand-out on the Red Mile, watched by millions of people around the world and analyzed by fashion experts (and us), can bring out the best (even if you forget to thank your husband later). It can also bring out the worst. Speaking of the worst, did you know Gwenyth Paltrow is performing a song from Country Strong? We sincerely hope she remembers a bra this year. How many times have you yelled at the television: “FIRE YOUR STYLIST!” or “Baby, you couldn’t look better if you were covered in bacon and chocolate!” Yes, tonight is as much an amateur fashion critic’s dream as it is Joan Rivers’ foreplay to her post-Oscars climax.
Will Nicole Kidman wear a wedding dress for the 67th time? Will Mark Ruffalo comb his hair? Will the first “age appropriate” offender be one of the babies or an old? We’ve got our Tim Gunn bobblehead and black Sharpie at the ready, so let’s go!
Here’s a review of last year’s Oscar red carpet. We are still waiting for the explanation as to why Nicole Richie was invited. As for the ladies, highlights were the pre-breakup, sleek and stunning Sandra Bullock, which is much different than the sheepdog hair she sported at this year’s Golden Globes. We needed her to be more “wash that man right out of her hair” and then style it, rather than just leave it to airdry on the way to the show. Mo’nique, who apparently didn’t spend one moment away from her man long enough to take a solo shot on the red carpet, looked lovely in blue with some hairy-ass legs. You want to know how to stand out on the red carpet? Just study Vera Farmiga.
Disappointments were an unusually bland Penelope Cruz (get a new silhouette), the now infamous “bun boobs” on Charlize Theron, and Tinfoil & Tulle Barbie.
First time nominee last year only to return with a second nomination this year, Jeremy Renner changed it up from the typical penguin suit. Will he go more traditional this year? We’d like to see him “cleaned up” a bit more like this. How you improve on Colin Firth’s perfect perfection (thank you, Tom Ford) is a mystery to us, but it would not be this (come on with the tennies, RDJ – you’re too old for this). Also, Tom Ford should be at every awards show. Honey wears the hell out of a tuxedo.
The 2011 Golden Globes offered us visions of Angelina, Mila, and Ms. Zeta-Jones in multiple textures of emerald green, shimmering neutrals, and whatever it was that the kooky Helena Bonham Carter had on (scraps of leftover fabric from Alice in Wonderland costumes?). We’re not feeling the 80s dresses, complete with shoulder pads and crystals – there isn’t anything new being done with that to make it feel fresh or worth revisiting – let’s hope the ladies got that out of their systems at the lesser awards.
Hopefully, this daisy-sprinkled Mia Farrow-wannabe disaster is a thing of the past – doesn’t she know The Great Gatsby remake has already been cast? Will Johnny Depp’s love affair with the pirate look off-screen continue to merge with his Hollywood Star/French Countryman/Everyman look (otherwise known as the rich hobo)? More men should look like the man on the left, so please make that happen, and that includes you. We’ll wait.
We know how difficult it is to dress when you are expecting but there is no need to look like a box of dollar store Valentine’s day chocolates. Or worse: looking like a lop-sided damaged one even when you are not expecting, for that matter. Also – use a steamer! You’re a celebrity, dammit, demand it!
Our Jakey adheres to the Tom Ford rule. Please note the well-fitting suit, appropriately shiny shoes, and proportional bow tie.
The 2011 BAFTA’s brought out some of the best in this year’s nominees. Her performance may have been so-so but Annette Bening radiated on the carpet and somehow managed not to look like she was wearing a wedding dress. We think this will probably be the only time we can say that SWINTON knocked it out of the park. (Ms. A begs to differ and bows to the Swinton – suck it haters.)
We can’t forget the classics, however. Will we see an updated version of these red carpet figure skating outfits vamping it up tomorrow night? Is Cher coming to the Oscars? She really should, we need the fodder.
Also, will Natalie Portman take a rather obvious cue from the original swan woman? It might make for good maternity wear.
Who are you excited to see? Who will “make it work” and who needed to “edit.” Who will be a hit or a miss (see what we did there)?
Don’t forget to join us later today for a liveblog of Oscar night, starting with the red carpet arrivals on E! (6 ET/3 PT). We will also be doing a champagne-soaked, Spanx-free Oscar re-cap on Monday so be ready to dish!
La Ronde by Arthur Schnitzler
Abreact Performance Space Closing Night: February 26: 8pm
Tickets: Free but Donations Welcome
Cast (Order of Appearance)
Caroline Price: The Prostitute, The Young Wife and The Actress Stephen Blackwell: The Soldier, The Husband and The Count Kristen Knisley: The Maid, The Sweet Young Thing Martin Turner Shelton: The Young Master, The Poet
Abreact Performance Space Closing Night: February 26: 8pm
Tickets: Free but Donations Welcome
Cast (Order of Appearance)
Caroline Price: The Prostitute, The Young Wife and The Actress Stephen Blackwell: The Soldier, The Husband and The Count Kristen Knisley: The Maid, The Sweet Young Thing Martin Turner Shelton: The Young Master, The Poet
Last night, after venturing into Corktown, Detroit’s historic Irish district filled with great food and great buildings, I arrived at The Abreact Performance Space inside the Lafayette Lofts on the corner of West Lafayette and Brooklyn. I was there early to speak with the powers that be about a one act regarding alcoholic misanthropes as well as to make sure I scored a prime seat (I did, in the front row) for the night’s show: La Ronde: Arthur Schnitzler’s controversial play about sex that was initially banned in Germany, but hailed by Sigmund Freud and which eventually found major followings in the United Kingdom and, not surprisingly, France. The house filled up quickly and a few minutes before the play started, it had reached capacity as The Abreact rushed to accommodate those who had made reservations prior to the performance.
After everything had been taken care of, the lights began to dim and a card on the mantle of a fireplace alerted us that the first (of ten) dialogues would be between the prostitute and the soldier and I was swept away into early 20th century Vienna (well, with British accents). The prostitute tried to pick up the soldier who gruffly and forcefully told her that not only did he have no money, but that he had to get back to barracks. They joked around for a bit before heading down to a secluded area to have sex since the soldier refused to go to the prostitute’s apartment. The house went black as the characters simulated sex, the lights raising again to showcase them half dressed and the prostitute trying to get money out of the soldier, despite having offered her services to him free of charge.
The rest of the show went through this general formula amongst different social classes to showcase how what we want out of love and sex is exactly the same, even if the way we deal with it is different and also reaffirmed the notion that everyone sleeps with everyone. To make a long story short:
The Prostitute slept with The Soldier
The Soldier slept with The Maid
The Maid with the Young Master
The Young Master with The Young Wife
The Young Wife with her Husband
The Husband with the Sweet Young Thing
The Sweet Young Thing with The Poet
The Poet with The Actress
The Actress with The Count
and, finally, to complete the circle, The Count with The Prostitute.
I, and the rest of the audience, spent the two hours (excluding the intermission wherein we all grabbed either cans of PBR or a glass of wine from the kitchen which were also free (everyone donated a couple bucks to offset costs, however)) in uproarious laughter as people teased, snarled and made outrageous noises and comments during sex (my favorite was the monotone “Oh, cricket. Oh, cricket” during the Poet/Actress scene). The show was a triumph, and, while the entire cast was sublime, the strongest was Matthew Shelton as The Young Master trust fund kid who seduced The Maid and The Young Wife (despite both of their protestations. I’d say that it could be seriously considered that some of the characters in the show were raped) and as The Poet/Playwright Robert/Biebitz who lived in squalor while seducing The Sweet Young Thing and The Actress who wouldn’t shut up about an ex-lover named Fritz. His anger at The Maid for falling in love with him during sex, at The Young Wife for teasing him when he couldn’t maintain an erection and his shock that The Sweet Young thing had no idea who Biebitz was felt like some of the most authentic dialogue in a piece filled with incredibly believable words. The sets were spartan, but the space was small and they worked with the vibe of the show.
Overall, I haven’t a bad word to say, which is odd. It’s just a well-written, well acted piece and I urge you to see it. If however, you miss the final performance tonight or live outside of the Detroit area, the French filmed a well-received version of La Ronde in 1950. I haven’t seen it, but, if it sticks close to the script, it should be pretty quality.
The Abreact Performance Space is located at 1301 W. Lafayette Street at Brooklyn. Performances start at 8 with doors opening at 730. The Abreact will begin a production of Waiting For Godot on April 15, which will also star Stephen Blackwell. Tickets, as mentioned, are free, but The Abreact is funded solely by donation. Arrive early! If you decide to get a bite before the show, I highly recommend going to Mudgie’s Deli on Porter and Brooklyn, three blocks north of The Abreact. It’s my favorite place to get sandwiches in Detroit. Go there. Seriously.
A recent chance encounter with an old friend led to nostalgic gossiping, as it often does. This included remembering an affair among former mutual colleagues, which prompted reflection. Not so much about the well-worn themes of “Why People Cheat?” – I’ve watched enough of that to think I get the various motivations. More specifically we wondered about the role of the third party, and how he or she fits in. How she or he thinks, and how she or he is viewed by others involved.
Assumptions
I want to separate out some of the common themes that come up when thinking about affairs. So I’d ask you to assume (or at least trust me about) three things:
- I’d like to take gender off the table, if that is ever possible. There are plenty of important and interesting gendered themes when discussing affairs, but that isn’t what captivates me in this particular case. In fact, it is relevant to this point that, with my former colleagues, the individual having the affair was the wife. Or, even more to the point, that it is not relevant.
- Assume that we do not need to care about the “injured” party. How the affair impacts that individual is off the table. This husband was an ass; and one could make a case that he simply didn’t care. You can imagine him as abusive or withdrawn or also cheating or whatever. I promise I’m not asking for this assumption so that we can feel sympathy for “home-wreckers,” but to get beyond thinking about affairs from the perspective of the other spouse, and try to make sense of the relationship between those involved in the affair.
- Assume that the two married individuals either can not or at least will not divorce. Whether this is due to religion, money, children. Again, it doesn’t matter what specifically the reason is, just that this is the circumstance. Long-term changes are unlikely.
The Third Party on the Third Party
So in this situation, what motivates the third party to be involved in such a scenario? If this were a friend, we would tend to tell them that this is simply not a good idea, wouldn’t we? Haven’t most of us had this conversation? Or, let’s be honest, listened to someone else have it with us? Certainly the individual could just be interested in short-term sex, but does that ever really work? (Have romantic comedies taught us nothing?) Are they holding out irrational hope for a future? In a short life, are they not worried that they are spending limited time and emotional capital on an ultimately unavailable partner? Is that the point?
The third party that I knew, I knew well, but not that well. He knew that this was a mistake but couldn’t pull himself out of it. He ignored other possible relationships because they might interfere with his availability. Ultimately, his motivations were not that different from any motivations for a relationship: he enjoyed the human contact, comfort, and energy that came from this woman. The long-term was too vague to interfere with the short-term glow that he had. And, don’t we all understand, the downsides were easily rationalized away. The highs of the roller coaster imprinting much more clearly than the lows.
The First Party on the Third Party
And this leads to what is particularly interesting to me. Given the above, how does this person having the affair rationalize it? Not rationalize what she or he is doing to the spouse, but what she or he is doing to the third party? In theory, this is someone that the first party has developed a strong emotional and physical bond with. A friend, a colleague, a lover. And yet, unlike the close friend who is saying “run away” this person does everything possible to pull the third party in closer. To actively limit the third party’s ability to grow and develop long-term meaningful relationships. I think of this in terms of spouses left behind during war as well. The spouse at home is lonely and needs support, but they must know that ultimately, even if the other spouse returns and never finds out, that in exchange for months of love and support, the paramour will receive nothing more than emotional pain. (If you just realized that this is the second time I’ve made a point that can be illustrated by a Natalie Portman film, bonus points to you.)
It is no new interpretation to say the story of Dracula is ultimately a story about sex. An old man’s thirst for the young that is so overpowering that it literally drains the life out of her. And it is true that there is a Vampiric quality to so many affairs. (And this is also why the apparently mostly-sexless Vampire-lead of Twilight is so stupid.) Perhaps the first party’s needs simply require fundamentally ignoring the life of the third party. Blocking it out. Having just finished Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad Love Story – which, like all of his books, I do not recommend – the main (unmarried) character’s internal need to provide provide oral sex for his much younger girlfriend was viscerally representative. It is not alone.
But people are not all vampires; are not all narcissists. It can’t be that everyone in an affair simply lives this disjointed life, psychologically ignoring yet attempting to satisfy the third party. How does the first party explain away the incredibly difficult and untenable position they are placing this other person in, someone they care about, often deeply? Is this why, in fact, so few affairs are true “love affairs” and why so many involve other benefits for the third party?
Distance and benefit?
The old, profoundly lame, joke is that men don’t sleep with prostitutes for the sex, but to get them to leave. I wonder if there isn’t something slightly deeper occurring here. Perhaps, the going away actually stands for limiting emotional connection in a way that helps the man rationalize his ultimate lack of availability to the third party. The first party feels that affection is being shown in the only ways possible.
We see this in mistress or cicisbeo culture as well. Or in terms of “sleeping ones way to the top.” Or so many celebrity affairs that are so well-publicized. The married individual can not provide the standard promises of a relationship, so other forms of benefit are substituted. Benefits that the first party can rationalize as a potentially fair substitute for a real relationship, either explicitly or implicitly. And in these cases, the third party can also sleep a little more soundly (on those nights when he or she is alone), knowing that the benefits are either a signal of promise or at least something that makes it all explainable, worth it.
Equally Unattainable
And perhaps this is why so many affairs involve situations where both couples are married or equally unattainable. Or why our shared anecdotes reference uncommon yet re-occurring events – reunions, conferences, etc. In these situations, life frames the expectations so narrowly that no one can have them. Or at least have fewer of them. Both parties are in both roles or the time-frame is so limited that the impact on the other’s emotional life is inherently limited. It’s a vacation from life instead of a part of one’s life.
In the story of my colleagues, the third party ultimately moved to another job across the country. The practical distance gave him the emotional distance he needed. He started a new life, a new emotional life. He is married now. Happily, last I heard.
The culture of childbirth has changed significantly since I was I was born (back when God was a boy and dinosaurs roamed the earth). There have been many movements concerning more natural approaches to childbirth. Homebirth has become more popular as women feel more confident about controlling their birth experience.
When it comes to having a baby, you have several options that are well-known: Standard birth in the hospital with drugs, Standard birth in the hospital without drugs, c—sections (I hope no one attempts these without drugs), and home birth. You can have an obstetrician or a midwife attend your birth. Some women elect to have a doula who helps advocate for the mother during the birth. This seems like a reasonable number of choices.
But there is one more choice you may not know about. It’s called Freebirth – natural childbirth without a medical attendant. No doctors, no midwives, nothing. It’s not emergency childbirth. It’s a planned event. Homebirths are usually not legally restricted if a certified nurse midwife attends. However, laws vary widely by state. There are some restrictions against unassisted childbirth, but they are few and are rarely enforced. As you might guess, many medical societies in the U.S. and abroad have come out strongly against Freebirth.
Unassisted childbirth advocates claim that a woman knows her own body best and should be making all the decisions. They make the valid point that a woman should be supported emotionally during childbirth. Many advocates believe that interventions from doctors are more dangerous than the risks of childbirth and interventions can interfere with maternal bonding. They believe that the best way to support a woman is to leave her alone – no drugs, no fetal monitors or other medical equipment. They say that women should not fear childbirth but embrace it. The women typically don’t receive prenatal care but do research on their own.
This is all well and good, but I, of course, have an opinion about this (I have an opinion about everything). I would be terrified to give birth without a medical professional nearby. That would definitely increase my fear and would make me feel very unsupported. I don’t think doctors are always right, but the “natural” mortality rate of childbirth—no interventions – has been estimated as being 1500 deaths per 100,000 births. In the US, the current rate of deaths is 10 per 100,000. Those are pretty different death rates.
Homebirth, free or not, was never an option for me. I didn’t want to have to do the cleaning afterwards and neither did my husband. The food in the hospital sucks but they have a janitorial staff there. We didn’t have to worry about scooping the goop out of the tub with a slotted spoon. Also, I dislike pain. I try to seek remedies for it whenever possible.
I found a quote by one advocate that said: “Birth is sexual and spiritual, magical and miraculous”. I think she might be over idealizing things a smidge, but I only really take issue with the word “sexual.” For those of you who haven’t been involved in a birth, I should let you know that there are a lot of things about birth that you don’t learn until you’re pregnant. Once you start reading in-depth about birth, you find out some icky things. That’s why the word “sexual” amuses me. So, which part is sexual? The pooping on yourself? The blood? The vernix? The baby? I don’t know about you but in my mind, the presence of a baby takes all the sensuality out of any situation.
The community of people who want to make birth as natural as possible are always coming up with new ideas. In addition to Freebirth, there are some other fun ideas:
- There is a whole set of people who don’t believe in cutting the umbilical cord. They leave it on until it falls off on its own. That means the placenta hangs around for a few days after the birth. It’s called Lotus Birth and I totally didn’t make it up. Gah!. You either wrap the baby and the cord and the placenta up together. You can also keep a bowl beside the baby to hold the placenta. The corn will dry up and detach naturally within a few days. Then you can have a ceremonial burial for the placenta or make a stuffed animal out of it or whatever floats your boat.
- There’s a thing called orgasmic birth which is exactly what it sounds like. I think you have to get to a certain level of Zen to achieve it. Here’s a quote: “If conception feels good, why not childbirth?” There are women who have claimed to experience it. It hasn’t happened to anyone I know. However, here are some quotes from women it actually had this experience:
- If you want to see videos and share thoughts with the members of this community, here is a good website: http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/. I saw the woman who runs this site in a documentary. The film was about unusual birth decisions and WHEW DOGGIES did she stand out as a crazy.
- Oh, and just for fun, I dare you to click on this link: NSFS (Not Suitable For the Sane)
So America, it seems that you’ve officially broken up with NBC. There’s no more “trying to work it out” or “going to therapy.” It’s kind of done. At this point not much else happens except maybe a Community drunken hook up, or meeting at 30 Rock for coffee to discuss “closure,” and well, you’ll always have that thing that happened in the Office supply closet during the Christmas party.
Now, though, you’ve moved on to “seeing other people.”
Ratings for NBC last week were in the toilet. No preamble, no sugar coating it, just swirling in the bowl hoping for a courtesy flush.
Just what the hell has happened here? Remember all those great shows of the 1990’s, when “Must See TV” meant something in the world of television? Jerry Seinfeld ruled the airwaves. Phil Hartman was still alive. Ross and Rachel were Ross and Rachel, George Clooney and his House of Batiatus hairdo made us all swoon, and well, Paul Reiser did that married people show with his Oscar winning on-screen wife who now lives in a cave. But now, well now, NBC is a dried husk surviving off the writing talent of Tina Fey and the waning appeal of Steve Carell. What else is even on this channel? Nowadays when I careen by NBC at 90mph, on days not showing Law & Order: SVU, Guy Fieri, that sandwich-man from the Food Network, is making people stack cups and flip quarters into a jar! This is entertainment on NBC? I guess so. Well, that sucks, because really NBC — CBS the land of addicts and NCIS spin-offs — is just kicking your cape-wearing, event-stalling, outsourced ass all over the ratings chart. Never would have happened in the Seinfeld years.
Fox, however, reigned supreme last week with juggernaut American Idol and edged slightly ahead of CBS to top the broadcast primetime adult 18-49 ratings. CBS was followed closely by ABC, and the network held together by Alec Baldwin and chewing gum came in last of the mighty four, again.
Furthering NBC’s descent into obscurity, in the list of top 25 shows for last week, only one NBC show placed. It was The Office — at number fourteen, yeah, not even in the top ten. American Idol held on to the top two spots, followed by Modern Family at number three, One Junkie, A Has Been, and The Kid Caught in the Middle came in at number four, Glee took the fifth spot, Mike & Molly landed at number six, and Grey’s Anatomy (This show is still on?! NBC, this is like being beaten by Trapper John M.D. in 1982) made it to number seven. The awesome Big Bang Theory was able to squeak by at number eight, How I Had Sex With All These Chicks And Then Met Your Mother slutted its way to number nine, and Head Slappers with Mark Harmon rounded out the top ten. [TV By the Numbers]
Should we talk about what’s on the “to be jettisoned on an ice floe” cancellation list for NBC while we’re remarking on how terrible a network it is? Sure. Already cancelled this season, Outlaw, Undercovers, and Chase. Well, what did we expect? What were these shows even about? Spies, outlaws, and law enforcement types also chasing outlaws? Sounds like this should have been one show called Law & Order: LA! This show is on indefinite hiatus! This makes complete sense.
Two shows currently bleeding out on the emergency room floor like a Sarah Palin television fiasco are; Perfect Couples (Olivia Munn, HA! You can’t act.) and The Cape (Naturally). Three others, Outsourced, Chuck, and Harry’s Law are still breathing, but I’m thinking if someone knocked out a plug, all the machines would start whirring, and Trapper John would come running in frantically with his hair and bedroom eyes screaming about “Codes” and “O2 STAT!”.
But here’s one thing NBC has accomplished — its tied with Fox for the number of cancellations this season, each have three, so that means something! Something bad. But really this is horrible since we mostly expect Fox to have several cancellations. They have a habit of producing jaunty little sitcoms and other random filler crap that just seem like fodder anyway. It’s a kinda “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” philosophy.
NBC, well, the viewing public expects better. Mostly, right?
The Sheen Effect:
Do you know what happens when you have a mind-swelling coke rant and say rabid shit about your boss?
Well, you get fired, and your inexplicable hit television show stops production. Apparently stuffing his face with cocaine and hookers wasn’t enough to make CBS pull the plug on Charlie, Duckie, and the Teenage Fart Joke (#4 in ratings!), no, Carlos Estevez was fired after a full-blown narcissistic, anti-Semitic tinged, mini-Mel rant on the Alex Jones radio show wherein he stated this about his boss, executive producer, Chuck Lorre:
“There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine – yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name – mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process.”
“Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.”
He made it clear during the interview that he doesn’t believe the show can survive without him, telling Jones, “Watch your ratings, dudes. Watch your stupid ratings.” Sheen followed his statements with a letter sent to TMZ where he called Lorre, a “contaminated little maggot” and wished the producer “nothing but pain.” He’s also urging “all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.”
Yawr, okay, Carlos. Whatever. Here’s the continuing thing if you want instant nausea. Is it possible CBS could face a significant dip without its bread and butter ratings hauler? Likely. We’ll see.
So, that’s it for this week. Charlie Sheen is a Mel Gibson impersonator with some acute Gary Busey tendencies! Fantastic. American Idol‘s Seacrest monster still has your attention, since Fox is celebrating the blond teacup yorkie and his bevy of misfits; the stringy rocker, the crying J.Lo., and Yo Dawg Tito Jackson, who apparently still make all your thighs sweat and voice boxes tingle. This is sad. I need a cape.
If you had kids, babysat kids, or were kids in the mid-90s, you probably recognize the cast of All That, the teen variety show that ran on Nickelodeon from 1994-2000. But do you know what happened to them when the show ended? Probably not! So let’s take a look back at some of the more popular cast members to answer the age-old question: Where are they now?
[slideshow id=2]
(Click images to see Then and Now photos)
The undeniable biggest success to come out of All That is Miss Amanda Bynes, comedy icon to Kelly Kapoor and star of such cinematic masterpieces* as What a Girl Wants, Sydney White, and She’s the Man. You’ve probably seen her most recently in the role of “Bitch for Jesus” in Easy A, her last role before she went into retirement, but not to worry—the Brett Favre of the acting world has already announced that she’ll be returning to film…and tweeted some sexy pics as part of her new-and-improved resume. Sadly, there appears to be nothing on the horizon for the one-time Holly Tyler, but surely it’s only a matter of time until Lorne wises up and places her among the ranks of her Amanda Show co-star and ex-boyfriend Taran Killam and…
Kenan Thompson, who’s currently sporting various facial merkins and bald caps on All That’s grownup version, SaturdayNight Live. Thompson’s movie career blossomed around the same time he begin his stint on All That, allowing him to get Perkisized in Heavyweights and deliver goal-scoring knucklepucks in The Mighty Ducks 2 and 3, but when puberty settled in, the roles dropped out…until SNL came along and gave him the distinction of being the first cast member to be younger than the show itself. It’s no doubt been tough on Thompson, making the transition from guy who speaks fake French in the bathtub to…uh, guy who speaks fake French on Weekend Update. OK, so maybe it hasn’t been much of a stretch, but it’s certainly a long way from peddling good burgers at Goodburger along with…
Kel Mitchell, who probably both hated orange soda and watching Kenan rise to the sketch-comedy version of stardom while he languished in pop-culture history as “the skinny one.” Since All That, Kel’s done a whole bunch of things you’ve never heard of, including some rapping and voice work, and has even joined the ranks of former teen titans Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Jodie Sweetin, and Jaleel White with his very own “OMG guess who died??” rumor. However, thanks to Goodburger, his fame will live on forever, unlike…
Josh Server, aka the Token White Guy, aka the Darrell Hammond of the cast. Server was the only cast member to stick around for all six seasons, and judging by how quickly he flamed out afterwards, it’s easy to see why he clung to the franchise with the tenacity of the entire Sex and the City cast put together. These days, Server mostly just hangs around in the back lots of Nickelodeon Studios, hoping somebody will offer a role for one of his trendy hats. Nobody’s heard from him in years, and it can only be assumed that he is sustained by glowing pieces of the Aggrocrag. Not that we really had terribly high hopes for him, unlike…
Alisa Reyes, who was the clear frontrunner to be that cast member who eventually finds a career in porn but ended up proving to be a #classydisappointment™. After perfecting the character of “unfunny, annoying screechy girl” on All That, Reyes got her kicks working the soap-opera circuit. She would later become one of the most prolific forgotten guest stars of our generation, appearing in single episodes of Malcolm in the Middle, NYPD Blue, Boston Public, ER, Six Feet Under, and many more. Reyes currently lends her voice to that most noble of American institutions, Playboy Radio. It may not be the hardcore porn we were hoping for, but we’re guessing she’ll still leave you satisfied, though maybe not in the same way as…
Lori Beth Denberg—the woman, the legend, the mystery. Sadly, after exhaustive research (read: looking her up in Wikipedia) yielded no conclusive information about her life after 2004, we have no choice but to imagine that her current life looks something like this:
An American comedic icon, Lori Beth Denberg is currently retired and living in the suburbs with her loving husband and 2.5children. Together, they form the improv group “And a Bag of Chips,” with performances taking place in their finished basement every Saturday night at 7:00 sharp. During the day, Denberg can be found driving around in her station wagon, stopping at lemonade stands, and dispensing Vital Information to the neighborhood children. We bet she’s a good hugger.
*This might sound sarcastic, but it’s not. “We” really, really love Amanda Bynes.
**Super special thanks to TheGrandInquisitor and DogsOfWar for all their patience and help with the dazzling audio-visuals.
DahlELama and The_Obvious are still BFFs despite not being able to agree on whether or not cheese is disgusting. They enjoy crashing each other’s religious holiday celebrations, liveblogging Top Chef, and the fact that their nieces and nephews are cuter than yours. This is their second collaboration. You should read their first one if you haven’t already.
I don’t want to brag, but I’m a really great gift-giver.
As those Yoplait commercial idiots would say, like “Shoe shopping while eating chocolate good.” (Ad guy 1: “My ex-wife likes shoes a lot. Let’s add that in.” Ad guy 2: “I see a lot of girls eating candy bars when they have their periods. Gotta rep that too.” Ad guy 1: “Great, we’re done here. Time to bash stuff with football helmets.”)
For my birthday, my friend got me the novelization of “Snakes on a Plane,” which weighed in at a logic-defying 400 pages. Single spaced.
It was a direct nod—some might say a thanks—for a summer 2006 filled with my Snakes on a Plane song-and-dance routine. (“Song and dance” could be overstating it. It was more of a musical chant “Snakes on a Plane, Snakes on a Plane, I’m so excited to see Snakes on a Plane!” combined with a mix of the running man and The Carlton. I’m telling you, it did not get old.)
So my friend gave me 400 pages of snakey goodness. The only thing I had to worry about was finding a gift to match the brilliance.
Enter the NASCAR Harlequin romance book “In the Groove,” the heartwarming/sexy story of a simple kindergarten teacher who has an ex Photoshop her face onto a nude body and distribute them on the Internet. After she loses her job, she gets hit by a car driven by a NASCAR heartthrob, and well, you know the rest. Story old as time.
Please, please, if you do nothing else for yourself today, treat yourself to the description:
“She wouldn’t know a NASCAR star if he hit her with his car…and he just did. Sarah was a kindergarten teacher until a sleazy ex-boyfriend got her fired. Now the only job she can find is driving the motor coach for racing star Lance Cooper. She doesn’t know a thing about NASCAR – and she’s off to a rocky start when she doesn’t recognize her ultra-famous boss. Lance can’t help but notice Sarah’s sweet smile – and how seriously unimpressed she is with his fame. Her reaction piques his interest – and he’s convinced she’s a good-luck charm. But Sarah has no interest in Lance’s jet-setting life; she’d rather deal with spitballs than one supersexy race car driver. Too bad whenever he comes near her she turns hot as race fuel. Soon things begin to heat up on the track, and Sarah begins to wonder if she might be able to teach one famous race car driver a few lessons about love. ”
It’s not just the awkwardly shoe-horned in racing imagery, like “her checkered past might distract him from the checkered flag,” or the pandering moments like “she had a plain face but there was something pretty about her.” And “I think being a kindergarten teacher is a noble profession.” But just the puzzling sentences like “His stomach felt like he’d just eaten 12 monster tacos.” First of all, who would eat 12 not just tacos but monster tacos? And why would this be used to describe being nervous before The Big Race instead of being about to be sick?
This book should get a Pulitzer. It’s funnier than Dave Barry. But in the words of Reading Rainbow, you don’t have to take my word for it. Here are two actual reviews from Amazon: (all spellings are sic)
“In The Groove is a blast! It’s funny, sexy and romantic. My daddy has always been a huge NASCAR fan so all of the quips and explanations about sponsors, teams and fans had me smiling in remembrance. Lance is sexy and handsome and he’s a really sweet guy too. Sarah is the kind of girl you want to see happy. She is such a nice person and her kindness and positive attitude are infectious. In The Groove is a story that I just raced through. It’s so entertaining I couldn’t put it down. I finished the last page with a satisfied sigh. Read In The Groove. It will take you on a fast, fun and romantic ride!
I took ITG down with me on the loooong drive to the Daytona 500 this past Feb and it was the best thing I could have done! It got me psyched for the race, it made me laugh, made me cry…UNREAL!
The character of Sarah is so loveable as the every-girl you could totally see yourself in her. The driver Lance just oooozes the kind of swaggering sexuality that you would imagine your favorite driver to have. Pamela makes it EASY for you to tack the face of your Jeff Gordons, Carl Edwards or Kevin Harvicks out there onto Lance Cooper and that was more than enough for me!
The story was so hot that I must admit, at parts I found myself reading so fast I had to go back over it all and soak it in! LOL. Trust me, you will NOT be disappointed by this book in the least!!! I cant WAIT for Pam’s next book “On the Edge” to come out!! Thanks Pam for writing these deliciously wonderful books that tantalize the need for NASCAR and some goood lovin!” – Chrissy
Congrats “Chrissy,” you’re the first person who’s ever combined a NASCAR event and reading something that wasn’t printed on the back of the Cheetos bag. And really? It made you cry? I guess it makes sense, what with the shocking ending of them ending up happy and all. And don’t “LOL” yourself, makes you seem desperate.
Another take:
“The chemestry between them is great and real, but I’ll tell you this is a squeeky clean romance novel. There are NO sex scenes in this book. It completely skips over all the physical romance. Even the language is vague and tame. No dirty or highly suggestive words. There is a hot kiss or two, but that is it. I only mention it because I know I like my romance novels steamy, but besides that I still found this book great.”
Cause I like my NASCAR romances, but I’ll be damned if they’re gonna make me read between the lines (or lanes. Har.) But I’ll be double dammed if I’m not getting some car sex scenes for my $5.99.