Culture and Arts

526 posts

Dear Lala – Help, My Bathroom Is Heinous!

Dear Lala,

I am submitting a few pics of what is probably the most heinous bathroom ever. At least I managed to get the brown and gold swirl flocked wallpaper off the walls…yeah. It was that bad. So this is an improvement if you can believe it.

My style is traditional. Not just because  I find it comfortable, but for purposes of resale, its easier to sell something traditional than it is a Japanese soaking tub, glass block walls, or something equally out-there (for  NJ anyway).

My budget is as low as can be. I’m honestly not sure of how much any of the work will cost (I’m waiting on estimates). The joists run parallel to the bedroom walls on either side of the bathroom. Moving the toilet (assuming its currently centered between the joists) will give me up to a foot of possible movement. I don’t want to move the toilet to a position where a joist would have to be drilled, since it could compromise the structural integrity of the joist.

Help!

Ditzy Blonde


Dear Ditzy,

I can assure you, this is not the most heinous bathroom that I have seen but I feel your pain. It is a daunting task planning a bathroom renovation because it requires so much skilled labour to get the job done- plumbing, electrical, carpentry. It can also yield the highest return on investment when selling your home. You have some homework to do and decisions to make!

No one has an unlimited budget so it is important to make a list of your deepest desires and a list of your actual needs. Ultimately, every good reno will have a mix of splurge items and budget basics. My non-negotiable here would likely be a custom walk-in shower and separate bathtub. I could live without custom cabinetry because so many vanity and storage cabinets come in such a wide array of stock sizes, shapes (and finishes) that can create a nearly custom fit. Staying with a neutral palette & a classic design scheme will also allow you to get creative (read: frugal) when it comes time to shop.

Click to enlarge. Toilet & plumbing position remains same, single entrance moved to hall. 2 proposed plans.

So, let’s talk floor plan. I hate to start my first design advice post by disagreeing with your contractor over toilet position but I can’t help myself. Nothing makes this princess want to stab herself in the eye more than a conversation with a contractor. I am not saying they don’t walk away feeling the exact same about me, I am just saying.

Unless I am reading your plans incorrectly, I don’t see a reason the toilet cannot be moved/stack rerouted along or up that backwall with perhaps the worst case scenario being a possible bulkhead below.  Since I don’t have plans to the floors beneath, I will not belabor the point. I will revisit it a few short paragraphs away…

Click to enlarge. Bath & vanity wall elevations.

Toilet position aside, the double entry from the master and guest bedrooms is taking up a lot of precious real estate. I know this layout provided endless sitcom fodder on The Brady Bunch but I’m not sure I want to be in any bathroom comedy situation with overnight guests. I recommend you position a single entry from the hall. You could still maintain a hall linen cabinet on either side of the door but I might be more inclined to opt for a roomier shower and max out storage on the vanity wall. The splurge in this scenario is the custom fitted glass wall & door of the shower with full tile wall. You can offset this by choosing a drop in tub that fully covers the deck surface & selecting from stock cabinetry.

click to enlarge

Make sure to provide ample lighting from multiple sources, usually meaning window, recessed, sconce and hanging. Really make your space sparkle- the space is gutted, so be sure to take advantage: have recessed lighting and sconces on separate switches with dimmers. Choose simple, classic fixtures and hardware.

 

Don’t be afraid to use large tiles in a small space. A nice 12″ x 24″ porcelain tile will feel luxe. I love porcelain tile, it has the depth and feel of marble (without the $) and the available colours will mix beautifully with marble countertops. Most large DIY stores carry ready-to-install counters in crema and carrera marble. I suggest mixing the same color tile in a variety of sizes, in the same shape: 12″x 24″, 4″ x 6″ subway in the shower, and maybe a smaller mosaic or basketweave for the vanity & bath backsplash. The continuity of colour is really calming, the mix of texture keeps it interesting and fresh.

 

1. click to enlarge

I cannot end this post without including the plans that place the toilet where I want. Because I am a princess and because I cannot stop redesigning your master bath.

The same principles always apply- there is custom luxury and builder basic in equal measure.

1. Beautiful, traditional mix of creamy, dreamy tile, rich toasty wood, painted panel moulding with freestanding bath. *Best part: toilet is hidden behind wall. I do this whenever possible. Tub, vanity and faucets are all from Lowe’s so keep abreast of those sales! Tiles and tubs get discontinued, thus discounted regularly.

 

2. Click to enlarge

2. Probably the closest plan to the drawings you sent me and likely the the most budget friendly in spite of that pesky loo because I have left the doors. Comedy gold, Ditzy!

Insignia linen cabinets and full tub surround are also all from Lowe’s. I recommend injecting some luxe in this scheme by adding the mosaic detail in the center of the room, a tiled ‘area rug’, if you will. Repeat the painted shaker detail on the facade of the bathtub, wainscoting and on the entry doors. Really ground the whites in the room by mixing in oil rubbed bronze fixtures (door knobs, hinges & drawer pulls). Punctuate with a rich wood frame mirror.

 

3. Click to enlarge.

3. Sophisticated shades of grey punctuated with dark wood and crisp white. The vanity & medicine cabinets are from Restoration Hardware. The built in bookcase above the bath is from the bottom of my heart. I am a sucker for a built in! Porcelain floor and wall tiles, glass wall shower.

Has your head exploded? Mine too! That’s okay, collect yourself and have good long think about what you would like to achieve. Price out high, medium and low options. Sit down with qualified and enthusiastic contractors and show them these floor plans. Be very clear with them and yourself about what your actual budget is. Then get excited, and send me the after shots. Good luck!

 

S.L.Y.,

Princess Lala

 

*Please send your design dilemmas & disasters to [email protected]


Click to enlarge

 

*UPDATE

@MissAnitaMan

Cheap as chips.

Estate Vanity $148.00, Estate Medicine Cabinet $88.00, Olean Pinwheel Floor Tile $12/sf, all from Lowes. White subway wall tile $00.23 each from Home Depot.

I still might paint the room a beige/ creamy white for a bit of contrast. Maybe Benjamin Moore Ballet White OC9 or White Sand OC10. Good Luck!

Reality Used To Be A Friend Of Mine

When I was fifteen, my best friends were a couple: a 30-year-old electronic musician named Lorelei and her boyfriend Raj (not their real names). Raj was a 36-year-old carpenter who lived in his mother’s basement and crafted homemade cassette tapes of his moody, lyrically intense,  socially conscious rock music. Not surprisingly, I was a huge fan of both their creative endeavors. Despite the fact that they were both perennially stoned or high, they never once tried to contribute to my delinquency, and I was never interested in partaking of the drugs myself. Both Lorelei and Raj insisted that LSD contributed tremendously to their creative processes; I just thought they were fun to hang out with, regardless of whether or not they were under the influence.

Attending one of Lorelei’s concerts once at a small new-agey workshop space in the heart of Soho in the early 1980s, I had the lesson of a lifetime when someone passed out acid tabs to the band – and the entire audience. The only abstainers were myself and an elderly man in a wheelchair, who seemed to already be enjoying the ambiance anyways. It was obvious to me that these were all people experienced with LSD, as there were no wild manic nervous breakdowns on display, but as the spacey electronic music and coordinated subtly colored light show swelled, I felt that I was getting a psychological contact high.

Another friend of mine once regaled me of the time (in the late 1960s) when he hitchhiked across the country from East to West coasts, doing hits of acid the entire week-plus of his journey. Not only did he live to tell the tale, but to this day he is one of the most conscious and integrated people I’ve ever known. As some of you may know, one of my former blog screen names was “Lysergic Asset”, chosen in honor of this friend, who used LSD as an intellectual asset. It makes me wonder if the real reason that lysergic acid was banned by the U.S. government is because the powers that be had no desire to open minds before their time – or at all, really.

Living in San Francisco in the 1990s, I met many former hippies who shared with me their rich and varied drug experiences. (My favorite of the many I heard was doing peyote in the mineral spring rock pools on a cliff overlooking the ocean at Esalen Institute in Big Sur, during a full moon.) Several friends told me with candor that in their estimation, I really didn’t need psychedelic drugs. One explained it thusly: “You remind me of that AC/DC lyric: She told me to come, but I was already there. You are definitely already there.”  Basically, he was saying that I was a natural-born space cadet… which is admittedly quite true.

I have no regrets that my illegal drug use has been limited to a handful of marijuana contact highs (I inhaled, but I hated it); I feel that I have lived vicariously through the experiences of many people far more experimental than myself. Even straight up sober, reality is still a fascinating dance for me.

 

 

The best $250 book you’ll ever buy

This is the first installment of what I hope will become a regular feature about obscure (yet fascinating and useful) books that most people don’t really know much about.

ARCHITECTURAL GRAPHICS STANDARDS (John Wiley & Sons)

Okay, if you’re an architect, you know all about AGS and have a copy of one of the ten earlier editions of this book within reach of your desk. But based on my admittedly anecdotal surveys hardly anyone else seems to know anything about it: maybe it’s that the title is so dry. Plus, the latest edition will set you back $250, which — I can hear you thinking – better buy a whole lot of book.
Well, it does.

More realistically, you can get a used copy for as little as $50 if you’re willing to settle for a slightly dog-eared older edition,  but since the volume’s heart essentially took final shape many decades ago it would be worth it at twice the price IMHO. Architects, architectural firms, and other professionals who need to stay up to date with the most recent edition will write it off as a business expense. The result for the rest of us is a steady supply of slightly outdated editions — but “outdated” is in the eye of the beholder.

Even if you’re completely broke, do yourself a favor and at least find it in the big library downtown (there are more than 20 in the New York Public Library collection, not to mention every architectural-school library anywhere). I guarantee you’ll still be there flipping from page to page an hour later; it really is that cool.

Have you ever wondered what the standard height of a tabletop should be – and how about the chairs? How steep is too steep for a staircase? AGS not only has the answers but quite literally draws you a picture. If you ever wondered how to build a stone fence using repurposed slate flooring tiles, AGS will show you; if you’re looking for door or window styles, AGS takes a systematic approach to the subject. It’s so comprehensive it blows your mind.

If you’re the sort of person who loved browsing the encyclopedia as a child, you’ll find this a book you’ll return to again and again. If you’re thinking about buying or building a home, this book can answer just about any question as to the pros and cons of different materials, designs, and construction considerations. And if you’re an armchair architect however casual, you’ll find that this book rewards its price many times over in sheer daydreaming bliss.

Architectural Graphic Standards

There’s a companion volume for landscape architecture:

Read Wikipedia’s page on Edward Tufte, this guy is a modern-day Marshall McLuhan if you ask me. Better yet, visit his website and make up your mind for yourself.

To swipe almost wholesale the words of Graphics Press’s own catalog description (both because I am lazy and because it is true):

The classic on statistical graphics, charts, tables.

Theory and practice in the design of data graphics

  • 250 illustrations of the best (and a few of the worst) statistical graphics
  • Detailed analysis of how to display data for precise, effective, quick assimilation.
  • Techniques for editing and improving graphics.
  • A fundamental yardstick: the data-ink ratio.
  • How to identify deceptive graphical representations
  • Spotting sources and tell-tale signs of deception
  • Design variation vs. data variation
  • Aesthetics and effective graphical displays.

This is the second edition of The Visual Display of Quantitative Information. and provides excellent color reproductions of the many graphics of William Playfair, adds color to other images, and includes all the emendations accumulated during 17 printings of the first edition.

Tufte self-published this amazing book about thirty years ago, and advertised it in The New Yorker; I used to see the blurbs and yearn for it. Eventually when I was feeling flush I bought it and it was everything I hoped it would be. Scientific American calls The Visual Display … “original, beautifully presented, sharp and learned, this book is a work of art. The art here is cognitive art, the graphic display of relations and empirical data.” They’re spot on.

Like the AGS also discussed here for architectural professionals, this book won’t be a revelation to quants and graph-makers – it’s a foundation text in its field. Tufte’s formulation of “the data-ink ratio” has entered the professional lexicon as an encapsulation of graphic elegance and efficiency, with the goal of conveying the maximum meaning using the simplest of possible designs (the “least ink”).

But for ordinary readers with a taste for bushwhacking the wilderness of books out there, this is a wonderful side trip that will inform you as well as fascinate you with the many ways we’ve developed to acquire new perspectives and visualizations of what we know already, what we propose, and what we predict.

Top image Flickr.

Red Riding Hood: Twilight for Team Jacob

***SPOILER ALERT***

Wednesday night, I attended a free screening of Red Riding Hood. The following review is chock-full of spoilers. It pretty much gives away everything other than the identity of the wolf. If you are heavily invested in seeing Red Riding Hood with unbiased eyes, do not read on. I’m assuming very few of you fall under that category, however, so here we go.

Red Riding Hood is Catherine Hardwicke’s first project since directing the premier installment of the Twilight series. The Big Bad Wolf in this version has been transformed into a werewolf, so naturally, comparisons between the two films are running rampant. Red Riding Hood does indeed have a lot in common with Twilight. Sadly, however, I’d say Red‘s the less entertaining of the two.

From the very beginning, the dialogue clunked along, much of it boring lines you’ve heard in other movies, such as the oft-cried “I don’t want you to see me this way!” Even new lines didn’t resonate. An exchange meant to ramp up the tension between the two male rivals (“If you’re the wolf, I’ll chop your head off” / “I’ll do the same.”) A heavy-handed attempt to make the audience think one of Red’s suitors is the wolf (“I could eat you up.” You know, LIKE A WOLF.) There were very few lines that elicited laughs, genuine or ironic.

Where and When is Grandmother’s House?

My friend and I both left the theater unsure of where and when the movie took place. Seventeenth century England? Sure. Twelfth century Italy? Why not. I’m now leaning towards France in the late-Middle Ages.

The costumes don’t make it much easier to figure out. Similar to A Knight’s Tale, the costumes mix a Renaissance fair aesthetic with modern touches. But without the charm and cheekiness of A Knight’s Tale, some of the costumes just feel tacky.

Gary Oldman dons a purple velvet number that I’m pretty sure was borrowed from Prince.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He completes the outfit with silver-tipped fingernails (the better to scratch werewolves with, my dear.) Tunamelt does it better.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Red’s grandmother moonlights as a Boho yoga instructor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Speaking of anachronisms, Little Red’s real name is Valerie. Wikipedia tells me that Valerie does in fact have old origins, but really, when I hear Valerie, there’s only one person I think of. And she may have been a saucy wench, but she was most definitely from the modern age.

Twilight: Part 2 (Part 5? Whatever.)

After reading Twilight the book (I was curious, okay!), I was actually impressed with Hardwicke’s ability to transform the discombobulated, nonsensical source material into something vaguely coherent and watchable. Sure, the movie’s still drivel, but the kind of drivel that’s good for a few giggles, maybe after sneaking some Schnapps into the movie theater. Red Riding Hood can’t claim the “so bad it’s good” title. It’s just so bad it’s bad.

That said, the two films do have a lot of noticeable similarities. The movie opens by panning across the tops of tall, lush tress, not unlike the ones Edward and his “spider monkey” climb. The heroine is courted by two good-looking young men, one fair (Henry) and one dark-haired (Peter). There is no clear good or bad guy among the two. (Unless one of them turns out to be the wolf!) Both are seemingly nice enough fellas, but lack any real defining personalities other than liking her enough to risk their lives. Despite not trusting each other, at one point they have to join forces to rescue the object of their affections.

Redeeming Qualities

There’s a scene where the townspeople hold a bacchanalia-like party that reminds you that Hardwicke also directed Thirteen. There, Valerie engages in the ancient courting ritual – dancing all up on another girl to make a boy horny with jealous rage. Hardwicke does a good job creating a chaotic, animalistic scene, and I think she’d be well-suited to direct a darker teen movie, like Cruel Intentions.

Random Absurdities

  • Valerie’s sister is killed by the wolf early on. From the start, the sister’s unrequited love for Henry is emphasized. Later, you learn that she and Henry are half-siblings. The characters continue to speak of her love, despite the fact that he was her brother and that is gross.
  • Paranoid that he may be the werewolf, Valerie stabs her almost-lover Peter. You’d think that this would lead to a conversation about her trust issues, but instead, Ol’ Pete seems totally unfazed.
  • Blond Grandmother looks exactly like the blond Red Riding Hood, who looks exactly like her blond mother. Turns out Grandmother is actually Valerie’s paternal grandmother. Another unexplored incest storyline perhaps?
Which two look biologically related? The answer may surprise you.
  • Three-fourths of the way into the movie, you learn the wolf can speak telepathically to Red. Surprise!

If you’d like to see the telepathic werewolf for yourself, Red Riding Hood opens Friday.

Top Image from here.

Five Modern Authors You Should Read

Reading: it’s really a lost art. I’m not an old (although I’m about to sound like one), but kids these days just don’t read unless it’s the “Twilight” saga. Yes, I read that, but I also read everything I could get my hands on since I was four. My mother, thank God, didn’t think that stealing her Stephen Kings at age six was a good idea. So she’d take me to Crown Books (old!) and I was only allowed to pick books out from the “Classics” section.

I would read the back of the shampoo bottle. Much like with music, I have no shame or taste. I’ll read Dean Koontz while listening to Britney if I want. I’ll read “Vanity Fair” while listening to Chopin. I’ll read Chuck Palahniuk while listening to something intentionally “avant-garde.” So I think I have a pretty good range of reference when it comes to modern-day literature and non-fiction.

Everyone knows “The Great Gatsby” is a great book. Tom Wolfe’s great. But there are some great books that don’t have the reputation they have. So here’s a little list of authors you should get familiar with, if you haven’t. It’s by no means comprehensive, but these are some of the best writers of the last, we’ll say, fifteen years.

Mary Roach,”Stiff,” “Spook,” “Bonk,” “Packing for Mars”

Roach is a non-fiction writer that tackles subjects that she personally finds interesting, like cadavers, or sex. Aren’t we all a little interested in those things? Her books are very funny, and very nerdy-factual. I would marry her. There have been times that I
 have literally spit/choked/giggled while reading her books. Don’t bring one on an airplane. Your seatmate will be concerned about your mental health.

Jonathan Franzen, “The Twenty-Seventh City,” “Strong Motion,” “The Corrections,” “Freedom”

Franzen’s kind of a controversial guy, Oprah debacle aside. Some people love him; some people think he’s absolutely the epitome of navel-gazing, indulgent, latter-day ennui. I like his writing, perhaps because a lot of us are, in fact, experiencing some latter-day ennui ourselves. His books have a steep trajectory; each one is better than the next. He’s Tom Wolfe-esque. Only his slice of life is the upper-middle-class, over-educated and under-sane demographic.

Carolyn Parkhurst, “The Dogs of Babel,” “Lost and Found,” “The Nobodies Album”

In all honesty, “The Dogs of Babel” is one of my favorite books of all time. Her books address loss, grief, redemption and love (you know, all the little things in life) without veering into chick-lit territory. Her writing is vivid and practically poetic. I’d compare her to Margaret Atwood, but she’s not quite Atwood, either. Sometimes, her books are visceral and heartbreaking. Her voice is really unique, and if you only read one book from this list, read “Dogs.”

Jen Lancaster, “Bitter Is the New Black,” “Bright Lights, Big Ass,” “Such a Pretty Fat,” “Pretty in Plaid”

Lancaster is equal parts chick lit, sarcastic bitch, and pop-culture analyst. If you read her books, start at the beginning; they’re all memoirs…so reading in that sequence helps. As a bitchy pit bull owner from Chicago, they struck a certain chord with me. Her books are full of snark, and we do love the snark here, so again, be prepared for a decent amount of wine-spitting when you read her books.

Amy Hempel, “Reasons to Live,” “At the Gates of the Animal Kingdom,” “Tumble Home, “The Dog of the Marriage”

Hempel is, in many ways, the antithesis of Franzen. She’s a minimalist, and her words are chosen very carefully to elicit readers’ responses without saying very much at all. Her prose is stark and clean but still manages to reverberate in my head long after I’ve finished a story. She writes mostly short stories, and short leaves plenty of room for an echo chamber of feelings and thoughts after reading a piece by her. “The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel” is a great place to start.

So, those are my picks. You’ll definitely disagree (and maybe agree), but I tried to pick just five of the amazing authors out there. There are many honorable mentions, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t list just one:

Kurt Vonnegut, everything.

Vonnegut’s main body of work isn’t in the last fifteen years, but he’s easily one of the best, and most prolific, writers of the last fifty years. Satire is effortless for this man. As a nod to our mascot, the honey badger, he doesn’t give a shit. At all. His books lampoon everything from the end of the world to mental illness to modern politics. He makes sci-fi cool. He’s a shameless lefty and atheist. He is just fantastic, funny, and brilliant (yes, I clearly have a crush on a dead man). My introduction to Vonnegut was “The Sirens of Titan,” but you can start anywhere, as long as you keep picking up another Vonnegut book. The world is less amazing without Kurt Vonnegut in it.

 

So, please share your favorite authors in the comments, and I’ll ferociously defend my choices, as well.

 

Crass Fiction: Old Lovers, New Tricks

Melody crawled out of bed just before the alarm clock could rudely awaken her. She was alone, but the other side of the bed was still warm from her lover, who had just arisen and left for work. She had spent the evening and night with one of her dearest friends, a hopelessly handsome writer and educator named Jason who was, as far as she had known for twenty years, gay.Needless to say, the experience had been a re-awakening for them both.

He had been her English professor, and the last time they’d had sex was when she was in college, immediately prior to his public coming out. She had always known him to be actively bisexual, so it wasn’t a surprise, but his admission that he was gay did nothing to dampen her attraction to him. Their friendship was so strong, she knew not to take it personally, and she encouraged him in his new identity, even though it no longer included the erotic romps she’d come to adore.

Surprisingly, the prior night didn’t involve alcohol or other influential substances, even though back in college they’d both enjoyed getting stoned before making love.  Last night, they had gone to dinner at a delectable Thai restaurant to celebrate Melody’s 41st birthday and Jason’s 54th, which fell three days after hers. Although Jason was newly single, Melody was immersed in a long-term harmonious marriage, so the conversation was largely celebratory. At some point, their talk turned to a reminiscence of their college fling, and they laughed at the magnitude of their folly, both because of the inappropriateness of their teacher-student romance and the inevitability of his obvious preferable attraction to men.

As the night progressed, though, Melody noticed Jason’s choice of words grew progressively more complimentary of her. They had been lovers for a year in college, so each had an intimate remembrance of the other, erotically speaking. While time had surely altered their bodies, they were both still quite attractive, and the chemistry of their powerful and profound friendship was strong.

“Have you ever considered being with someone else besides Dave?”, Jason had inquired provocatively.

“I haven’t been with anyone else but Dave since the last time I slept with you, Jason. So, no, I haven’t.” She assumed that was the end of it.

“First of all, I find that impossible to believe. Secondly, would you consider fucking me again? Tonight?”

Stunned, Melody replied, “Jason, since when do you have sex with women?”

“Not since the last time I had sex with you.”

“So what exactly is this? Are you telling me you’re bisexual again?”

Emphatically, he replied, “Not at all. I just really want to fuck you tonight.”

“Why tonight?” Melody asked, and the lingering question she didn’t ask was, ‘Why did you have to stop twenty years ago?’

“Why not?” he coyly replied.

Melody decided not to question his rationale, because she was already incredibly aroused and intrigued by his proposition.  After all, even though it had been decades since last they’d been lovers, she was consistently aroused by Jason’s intellect, spirit, humor and heart. Plus the obvious fact that she had never stopped appreciating how sexy she was, even though it was admiration from afar. Strong guilt feelings surfaced at the prospect of betraying her husband, but since Dave was away on a business trip, she knew that she could forestall dealing with her guilt and the logistics of her actions until afterwards.

They returned to Jason’s apartment, where Melody allowed her once-and-future lover to take the reins of their sexual reunion. She was unsurprised that he mostly wanted to fuck her from behind (old habits die hard, she’d guessed), but she was nearly stunned by how intensely he made her come. This was the kind of sex that you would gladly walk across broken glass to get to. She knew that by virtue of being a woman, she wasn’t giving him all he needed, but he didn’t seem to care; he was glad to please her to the ends of her tether.

Now, the morning after their unexpected and exceptional eroticism, her body ached but she was too ensconced in the afterglow to notice. Later, as she showered and dressed and made her way back into the world, she began to ponder how her friendship and her marriage would survive. She considered the hard truth: that this was almost certainly a one-time thing with Jason, but she now found herself even more drawn to him than before. Returning to her husband’s bed would require forgiveness on his part, and surrender on hers. Would either of them find the balance that was required? Melody knew that she was motivated to do so, as the alternative – unrequited lust for a gay man – had come full circle, and there was obviously nowhere else to go with that scenario.

As if in direct response to her line of thought, as she was heading towards the door to leave, her cell phone rang. It was Jason, wishing her good morning and then saying something that set her mind reeling again.

“Bisexuality in men is uncommon, but it’s also highly underrated.” He paused briefly before continuing, “I might be coerced into doing it again, but only with you.”

Melody was silent, mentally spinning through the possibilities. Her silence went on a bit too long, and Jason spoke again.

“Unless you don’t want to; you know we can still be friends.  Or else, I can meet you back at my place for lunch.”

Replying immediately this time, Melody asked incredulously, “Lunch?”

Just then, another call came in. It was her husband.

She knew that she wasn’t ready to answer that call… not just yet.

 

The Fish Stick Season of My Dismay

This is in honor of my Mom, who passed away this year. I will always, always remember Lent.

My mother, Mildred, was a master at rooting out and punishing misdeeds. She was legendary among her children. She died when I was 38 and even at that age, I would not have considered talking back to my mother. I was terrified of her. But I also thank her because I know I will be able to scare the dickens out of my children. I look at my children and think, “Don’t cross me because I was trained by a master. If you get into trouble, I will punish you in a horrifying way.”

Lent was rough at our house every year. My mom was a hardcore Catholic and she took the Pope’s directives seriously. We didn’t have meat on Wednesdays or Fridays (ugh, so many fish sticks) and we had to fast between meals on those days. We went to all the required holy days during the Lenten season (there are a lot) and we had to give up something good for lent like chocolate, comic books or happiness. On Good Friday, the television and radio were off. We were supposed to reflect on the cross and we spent most of the day at church. Gah, I spent so much time at church when I was a teenager. This was probably a good call on my mom’s part but it seemed like an endless cycle of boredom to me. I can tell you that about 95% of the time, I was not thinking about whatever the priest was talking about.

One of her all time greatest punishments was what I liked to call “The Fish Stick Season of My Dismay.” One Lenten season, she decided to take it to the next level for me. I don’t know what specific thing I did to set her off. I hated everyone and everything when I was 13, so spending time with me was as pleasant as ripping off toenails. I assume my general attitude was Mom’s primary issue with me. Her remedy? Church – everyday, for the entire duration of lent. That’s six weeks of daily church attendance. I attended 42 individual masses that lent, each of which lasted at least 45 minutes which means I spent a bare minimum of 1,890 minutes in church that Lenten season and believe you me I remember every second of it.

I had 1,890 minutes to think about how much I resented my mother and how I would tell her – in detail – about how unbelievably unfair and stupid she was for inflicting this punishment on me. Not that I told her any such thing, I was way too afraid of her. I had 1,890 minutes to check out the rest of the daily mass attendees. There were a couple of unbelievably old people, a few mourners, and someone training to be a nun. Occasionally someone who looked really, really guilty floated in but not often enough. I was the only constant representative in my family. I also had time to read the missal from cover to cover and ruin any surprises in the upcoming mass for myself.

What did I learn? I learned that you can ask the Virgin Mary for favors. Some Catholics say special prayers to the Virgin Mary on Tuesdays, called novenas and they believe she will intercede for them. I read a little booklet about them. One woman wrote in to say that her son had married a divorced woman and she prayed that the Virgin Mary would convince her son to divorce this shameless hussy. And he did! Doesn’t that make him divorced now too?

I learned that 45 minutes can seem like an unbelievably long amount of time. I learned that once my mom decides on a course of action, there is no talking her out of it. I was seeing my sentence out, like it or not. I learned that if I ever had children that my greatest weapon would be my ability to create a punishment so annoying that my children would in fear of my ability to inspire my creativity.

Novena image Wikipedia.

The Atheist Affirmation

With the religious threads lately and I think there should be a counterbalance. I don’t want to step on any toes, so I’m not suggesting the religious posts stop, but I think there needs to be posts here for those of us with no faith at all, and that’s what this is. Let me say that I am an atheist, not an anti-theist. If you believe that there is a god and you are bound for heaven (or whatever), good for you and I sincerely hope that makes you happy. I simply don’t agree.

This column is intended as a positive space for atheists, agnostics and freethinkers.

So now, without further ado, I present the first semi-regular (as in I will do it when I feel like it, but others are welcome to step up to the plate) atheist affirmation.

I’m going to start with each of these affirmations with a quote from Positive Atheism’s big list of quotations and I can think of no better person to start with than the late, great Douglas Adams:

A man didn’t understand how televisions work, and was convinced that there must be lots of little men inside the box, manipulating images at high speed. An engineer explained to him about high frequency modulations of the electromagnetic spectrum, about transmitters and receivers, about amplifiers and cathode ray tubes, about scan lines moving across and down a phosphorescent screen. The man listened to the engineer with careful attention, nodding his head at every step of the argument. At the end he pronounced himself satisfied. He really did now understand how televisions work. “But I expect there are just a few little men in there, aren’t there?”

 

And then I will feature a famous atheist or agnostic. We’ll start off with the (sometimes) world’s wealthiest man, Bill Gates.

From a 1996 issue of Time Magazine:

“Isn’t there something special, perhaps even divine, about the human soul?” interviewer Walter Isaacson asks Gates “His face suddenly becomes expressionless,” writes Isaacson, “his squeaky voice turns toneless, and he folds his arms across his belly and vigorously rocks back and forth in a mannerism that has become so mimicked at MICROSOFT that a meeting there can resemble a round table of ecstatic rabbis.”

“I don’t have any evidence on that,” answers Gates. “I don’t have any evidence of that.”

He later states, “Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There’s a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.”

 

And finally, something to think about and discuss- A lot of people say they want to believe because they don’t think a universe so complex could have come about by chance. To me, that the universe in all of its vastness and complexity does indeed work without anyone at the wheel is what makes it so amazing.

Don’t Be An Ash This Wednesday

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As a good Catholic girl, this is the time of year I think about how I can be a better person.  I think New Year’s resolutions are foolish, but for some reason I have no problem with Lenten resolutions. I was pondering why there was such a difference between the two periods of personal improvement and reflection for me.

I am religious, but I’m more of a cafeteria Catholic.  I find the Sacrament of Reconciliation rather silly as I don’t think I need an intermediary between God and me to obtain his forgiveness.  Don’t get me started on the Church’s views on gays.  Despite my picking and choosing of the tenets of my religion, Lent resonates for me.

Lent starts on Ash Wednesday.  I am going to go to church and have the sign of the cross put on my forehead with ashes from the burnt palms from the previous year’s Palm Sunday.  The history of the ashes goes back to a time when during the Lenten season only the faithful were allowed into church.  Those who committed serious sins would be forced to wear a hairshirt for forty days.  That hairshirt was blessed with palm ashes.  I imagine that the wearing of a hairshirt was not unlike wearing a scarlet letter.  It marked you as a grave sinner.  Today, it reflects the fact that we all sin but are seeking redemption.

The act of giving something up for Lent is well known.  Catholics are asked to give up something; be it an appetite, a distraction or something we love, not to just suffer, but  to create a “vacuum” of sorts.  It is hoped that this vacuum is filled by the Holy Spirit.  Perhaps that is why I like it so much.  Notice that it isn’t necessarily about improving oneself, it is more about creating a “space”  in your everyday life for God to enter.  Additionally, we are only asked to do this for 40 days, not permanently.  After that period of time it is hoped that you would permanently create this space for God even as you go back to enjoying what you sacrificed for Lent.

What many are not aware of is that the Catholic church does not merely want us to give up during Lent.  The Church wants us also to “give out” and “give in” .  By ‘giving out’ one can express their love of God and Man by making your talents and treasures available.  Acts of kindness, volunteerism, donations of goods and services to those in need are very much a part of the Lenten tradition.  Some Catholics focus on this aspect of Lent more than the giving up part.  In fact at the conclusion of each Mass the priest asks the congregation to “Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.”  We are supposed to take what we learn each week in Mass and apply it to the outside world.  I love that fact — that the Church really isn’t about Mass.  It really is about applying Mass to your real life.  Way too many Catholics forget that.  Priests included.

The ‘giving in’ part is especially interesting to me as it is quite Zen.  In this age of self-fulfillment we are called to go the opposite way.  In order to find your life, your way or your path, you must lose it.  You must let go of it.   We are supposed to give our life and our trust to God.  I also look at it this way: when you cling too heavily to your wants, desires or results, that you often miss an more interesting or fulfilling path that was thrown in your way. This giving in part really feeds into the reasons why we give up during Lent.

I’ve tried to give up many things during Lent over the years.  Some worked out fine and others not so much.   Giving up wine/booze has never worked well in the past as it makes me a rather irritable person.  I find I’m much better at doing something than giving up something in order to create that vacuum or space for God to enter.  I do this with acts of volunteering that put me in direct contact with those in need.

This year, in addition to volunteering, I am adding daily exercise to the list.  Not to get my fat arse moving, that is an added benefit; but to clear my head of all the cobwebs and crap that interfere with me creating space or that vacuum for God to enter.

I know there are a few Catholics/Christians out there.  Are any of you giving up something for Lent?

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