Iowa has spoken! Ted Cruz has bathed in the sacred ethanol and been annointed by Iowa’s pig-men. Let’s commence with the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Continue reading
Rand Paul
6 posts
Here it is, the last GOP debate hellfest before the Iowa Over-pig anoints a caucus champion. Will grotesque claymation Christmas special-villain Donald Trump show up? See Ted Cruz, the world’s most despised Canadian! Chortle at JC Penney’s Boys’ Department empty suit Marco Rubio! Gaze in sorrow at sad deflated balloon animal Jeb! Bush! Yell back at hateful yell-beast Chris Christie! You can watch it on Fox News at 9:00 PM with your crazy uncle or stream it here. Continue reading
The number of official 2016 presidential candidates doubled Tuesday when Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced he will challenge Canadian Ted Cruz for the GOP nomination. At CornCon in Des Moines, Iowa, Paul drove his ethanol-powered sportscar, Goldbug, onto the floor of cavernous Hall D of the Polk County Civic Center, emerging to thunderous applause to the crowd of Star Trek cosplayers and hangers-on who were actually expecting George Takei and whatshisname from Star Trek: Voyager. Continue reading
The 2016 presidential race has claimed it’s first casualty (if you don’t count Paul Ryan, which, of course, I’m not). Willard Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and professional collector of electoral defeats, erstwhile Lord Protector of the Olympics and governor of a state he will not name, has decided not to compete for Nixon Crown of Double Nomination and seek the 2016 GOP nomination.
On Friday, Romney emerged from the Hall of Audiences in Castle Romney, his mountain fastness hewn from the very living rock high in the Utah Alps. Surrounded by House Romney retainers, with a light snow dusting their aluminum battle armor, Romney addressed a small surprised crowd of freshman journalism majors from Utah Alps Community College who were there filming a documentary no one would watch for a class they all bitterly regretted taking. He mounted the rostrum where the father of his organic components, George Romney, had once announced that he would challenge thrice-damned dark mage Richard Nixon for the 1968 GOP nomination. “My friends!” he shouted, though truthfully, no one there was his friend. “I shall not be your president!” he cried, as though everyone had not already known this for several years. Continue reading
Sure, the corpses of the fallen in the 2014 election are scarce cold in their political graves, but hey, the Iowa caucuses are a mere 53 weeks away. 2016 is coming! On the Democratic side, it’s still not clear which obscure weirdo Hillary Clinton will blow her prohibitive lead to, but the Republican side is shaping up to be quite the busy clown orgy. Let’s gaze in dismay at this gabbling horror of potential GOP 2016 candidates! Continue reading
Everyone will in 2016. This week, never stand up guy, and always an International Man of Plagiarism, Rand Paul, ran away from a Mexican Immigrant DREAMer on the basis that she could potentially ask him a bunch of questions that could lead to his saying something about immigration that could maybe coincide or not with the contradicting statements he’s made about immigration reform. Continue reading