Hawaii

11 posts

Mauna Kea– The Tallest Mountain In the World

big_island_20072

What is happening atop Mauna Kea is a tragedy and a slap in the face to the native Hawaiian people.

Mauna Kea* (or White Mountain) is of tremendous spiritual importance to the Hawaiians. It is white because of the snow that often dusts the peak. It is the home of Poli’ahu, the snow goddess. This is contrasted by Mauna Loa (or Black Mountain), home of Poli’ahu’s rival, Pele, the goddess of fire. The number of legends and heiaus (temples) on Mauna Kea speak to its importance. Continue reading

Which Hawaiian Island Should I Visit?

Hawaii

You have decided to go to Hawaii. Yay! The tougher decision is, which island? This is a series of posts about Hawaii. In this inaugural post, I will provide a thumbnail sketch of each inhabited island. Over the next couple of months, I will focus on each island separately. Feel free to ask any questions in the comments section below and I will try to help. Aloha. Continue reading

Views of Three Southernmost Points

big_island_2007As an unorthodox traveler, I, by default, choose unorthodox destinations. Here are three.

1. Southernmost point of the 50 United States.  Ka Lae (South Point), Big Island of Hawaii.

Subjectively, this is the most fascinating of the three. A 12-mile roughly paved road leads you from the main ring road that hugs the circumference of the Big Island to South Point. It is very windy, as evidenced by the funny looking trees; the huge, rusting windmills; and well, the wind. Once in a while, cattle will randomly appear. Continue reading

Hawaii for the Captain Cook Fanatic

Captain James Cook (1728-1779) was arguably the greatest explorer of all time. In his failed attempts to find Antarctica and the Northwest Passage, he “discovered” the Hawaiian Islands, the east coast of Australia, and circumnavigated New Zealand.

If you’re a Cook fan or just a history buff, these spots in Hawaii are definitely worth checking out.

Continue reading

The Forbidden Hawaiian Isle of Niihau

For avid travelers who like to cross places off lists, Niihau is a big deal. It is nearly impossible to reach and it has a fascinating story involving a contemporary feudal society, the cause of Japanese internment, and a lot of garbage.

Hawaii, a tourist mecca, has seven inhabited islands. Niihau, off the coast of Kauai, is closed off from the rest of the world. It has no hotels, no paved roads, not even an ATM. Having visited six of the seven islands already, I plotted for years to reach Niihau. I succeeded last year.

Continue reading

A Hike Down to Molokai’s Leper Colony

Preface: In the 1860s, a leper colony was set up on a spit of land on the north side of the Hawaiian island of Molokai. Though the settlement has officially closed, about a dozen former patients still live there.

I wake up an hour before sunrise. This is quite an unusual wake-up time for someone on vacation. But I booked a mule ride down to the Molokai leper colony. And the mules leave early.

I grab a double espresso in Kaunakakai, the largest town on this island of 7,400 residents. I head out to the stables; and it’s still dark outside. Of course, the paniolo (Hawaiian cowboy) behind the counter tells me he does not see my name on the reservation roster. All the mules have been spoken for. I’m SOL. Continue reading

Back to the Island! 5-0 Style!

I know you missed my updates from the 50th (and 3rd-Awesomest) state.

I’m sorry!  The holidays and whatnot.  I’d like to say that you didn’t miss much on Hawaii 5-0, but you did.  You missed so much!

But, we can’t go back in time, so we are just going to have to pick up with this week’s lessons about National Security, Fashion, and Shaved Ice.  Don’t worry.  You don’t have to have seen the episode.  This is all about what we can learn about the world around us.  5-0 Style!

Recap!

Fake pirates kidnap rich kids off of a boat and ask for ransom.  5-0 saves the day!

Pirates are Everywhere!

One of the main things I learned this week? Pirates are everywhere.  (It was right there in the header.) Apparently, they are a huge problem in Hawaii.  So huge, in fact, that if you want to kidnap somebody, you should totally just pretend to be a pirate.  Because then you will just blend in with all the other pirates.

(Note:  Apparently it helps if you dump a dead pirate on the deck.  This is very convincing.)

Other things we learn later about real Hawaiian pirates:

  1. They don’t kill people, just rob them.
  2. People who kill people are fake pirates.
  3. HOOYAH is apparently the name for the pirate code of silence. (A real pirate said it during interrogation. This one in particular might come in handy.)
  4. If you have a specific engraving on your watch, the pirate will not pawn your watch, but wear it, just in case he needs an alibi for a kidnapping that occurred at the same time he stole your watch.

(Note:  These things may only apply to Hawaiian pirates.  I make no promises that they will work on other pirates.  If you are near Somalia, you are on your own.)

Nick Lachey’s Lover is Trapped in the Closet!

I hate love hate love! obvious examples of Chekhov’s gun.  You know the old saying “If there is a Nick Lachey in the scene, somebody is going to get shot by the end of the episode.”  Well, at the beginning of this episode:

The only person left on the boat when 5-0 shows up is a super-cute girl that hides in a closet on the main deck. Sorry, do I hear bells ringing in my head?

Her boyfriend who meets her at the dock is Nick Lachey, and they leave together “never to be seen again.”  HOLY SHIT THOSE BELLS ARE LOUD!

(Note: If at this point you predict that she will be the one who has to bring the ransom to the head bad guy at the end, who turns out to be…Nick Lachey (WHAT?!), you have seen television before.)

Technology Rules!

5-0 has a Surface, or whatever those table computers are called that can take an excel spreadsheet and magically turn all the matching squares into neon green blocks with “MATCH!” written in comic sans.  It’s like the world’s most powerful “My First Matching Game!”  But that wasn’t the cool part.

They also take “biometric” mug shots of your eyeballs so they can match your face to people in ski masks that have eyes that look exactly like NICK LACHEY!  But that is not the cool part either.

They also have a button on all police computers that you touch and it “Transfers call to 5-0.”  I’m sorry.  Did I say computer?  I meant computer screen! That was even cooler, but still not the cool part.

McGuffin or McGarble or Tall Guy has an iPhone App that just shows every kind of gun to a witness for identification purposes.  I call it “Gunphone.”

“This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* THIS ONE?!  IT WAS AN AK-47!”

(Note:  She is in on it!  Why is she correctly identifying the gun?!  Also, why do bad guys always use the same gun?  “We matched ballistics to 400 other crimes on that island over there.” Also, couldn’t they have just figured out the type of gun by those exact same ballistics?  Also, what does it matter?!)


*****

Break 1:  Subtle Product Placement Edition:  The families of the missing kids are all staying “at the Hilton.”  Very smooth MacGuffin!
Break 2: Grace Park walks in wearing a red/pink top and green pants.  My wife says “Why does she look like a watermelon?”  I do not say: “Honey, Grace Park never looks like a watermelon.”
Break 3: Have I mentioned that their primary “man on the street” is a sumo-wrestler trainee who runs a shaved ice stand and gets his “intel” from “what I read in the paper.”  5-0 style!

*****


Pawn Shops Suck.  Explode them!

At some point in the episode they needed information from a guy that runs a pawn shop.  I don’t know why.  I don’t care. Something to do with a single golden money clip that tied the entire case together.  Here is what I do know.  Pawn shops are always shady.  Always.  Is there a not shady pawn shop anywhere in the world?  I think that if the guy at the pawn shop won’t help you out you should strap a grenade to the door of his office and then run out the front door.  Fortunately for me, McGrudel agrees.  BOOM!  Maybe you’ll speak to 5-0 now Mr. Shady Pawn Shop Guy.

Sexy Time!

There is always some unnecessarily “sexy” element to 5-0.  This week it was how all the young kidnap victims were being held in a hot cage all half-naked.  They looked like a commercial for Skins or something.  It was totally inappropriate.  Also, hot.  Later in the episode they are trapped in a sweaty school bus.  That was just creepy.

5-0 Don’t Care!

Armed kidnapping in international waters!  Forget the FBI!  Fuck the Coast Guard!  5-0 Don’t Care! State Police Task Force in the HOUSE!

Paying ransom to kidnappers like everybody says you are supposed to?  No fucking way! 5-0 Don’t Care!  We are going in armed and strong.  Paying them will just lead to disaster! One kid’s dad ignored 5-0 and paid their family’s share of the ransom anyway.  When the kidnappers killed a hostage for only paying part of the ransom, guess who they killed?  That’s right punk.  Listen to 5-0 next time! Because 5-0 don’t care! Paying  = disaster!

After the kid died, 5-0 decided to pay up after all.  Changing plans for no reason!?  5-0 Don’t Care!

*****

Break 4: Fight scene in a bar!  (Doesn’t matter why.) (a) Grace Park can jump from the middle of one escalator to another and kick somebody in the face.  (b) A guy named Bobby ran really fast.  His hair looked like it was in a Flock of Seagulls cover band (he did not), and when he ran it started flapping like wings.
Break 5: Survivor Commercial.  A former marine says that the best part of Survivor is no one is shooting at you.  No Mr. Marine, that is the worst part about Survivor.

*****


How Did It End?!

According to the kidnappers, cute-girl-from-the-closet (remember her?) was the only one who could take the ransom to some dirty, sticky, warehouse or dock or whatever, filled with naked-kidnapped-teenagers, BECAUSE SHE IS IN ON IT!  Who else knew that?  That’s right 5-0 did!  The money was just phone books!  Thank goodness we don’t use phone books anymore, so they could just waste them all like that.  “What are we going to fill the bags with?” “I don’t know.  How about all those phone books over there?”

Anyway, BOOM!  POW!  Some disco lights go off or something.  Nick Lachey runs and jumps into a trolley!  McGrawhillber shoots him!  Everybody lives except the kid of the punk-ass dude that did not listen to 5-0.

Moral!

Listen to 5-0!  If you don’t, your kid will die! 5-0 don’t care!

Verdict!

Not enough Scott Caan.