food

256 posts

Pregnancy: What no one tells you ahead of time

I’ve had several people email me and say things like “I just heard the word episiotomy for the first time” or “I didn’t know that your face blew up into craters when you were pregnant!”. The emails invariably end with the phrase “Nobody told me that.”

Indeed. That is part of the gestation initiation: There’s a whole bunch of stuff they don’t tell you before you get pregnant. Then, when you’re pregnant, slowly, the mysteries of gestation and birth are revealed to you. It’s highly unsettling and, I think, a little bit unfair. There should be a bit more disclosure for the potential recruits. I doubt knowledge will change much. Most people will still have kids anyway, thinking “I’ll be the exception to the rule”. Knowledge doesn’t stop lots of people from having second or third children. Look at Michelle Duggar. There can’t be much she doesn’t know at this point and it’s no deterrent for her.

In the interests of full disclosure, here are a few things about pregnancy no one ever tells you about. Some might happen to you, others won’t. However, at least two of them will.

Pregnancy zits: They can put adolescence to shame. You can get them on your face, chest, back, nose, wherever. By this point in your life, you’ve probably forgotten how much zits can hurt. You’ll remember.

Food aversions: You hear a lot about morning sickness, which is something you usually get over after 12 weeks. Food aversions can last the whole pregnancy. I was personally so freaked out by chickens during one pregnancy that I had to stay away from the rotisserie chicken section of the grocery store. I couldn’t even think about the shape of a chicken without wanting to vomit. I know a woman who had the same problem with lettuce. She was convinced she could smell lettuce if it was in the same room. Common food aversions include eggs, meat, milk and salad.

Hair loss: This might happen after your delivery. Or it can happen when you’re first pregnant. Or both. If it happens afterward, buy the Rogaine for Men. The kind for women isn’t as good (of course).

The advice and the touching: They say it takes a village to raise a child and I will vouch for the fact that the village certainly seems to think so. The moment you show signs of gestating, the village will be up in your grill nonstop and the customary boundaries of personal space will cease to apply to you. People love two things in life: Dispensing advice and touching pregnant women. They’ll come up to you with all kinds of advice, some good, some weird and then their hands will creep towards your belly. They’ll get more aggressive as you grow. By the time you are in the 3rd trimester, you can’t fight people off with a blowtorch. Sometimes a woman, with her hand on my belly, would relate a gem of wisdom from her years of parenting and what I really want to do was not to ask for more advice but to ask “Have we met?”

Bad jokes: Around the third trimester, people start making hysterical jokes. Look how huge you are! Do you beep when you walk backwards? You don’t walk, you waddle! You’ve been pregnant since God was a boy! Do you think you are ever going to have that baby? Are you eating lots of pickles and ice cream? You still haven’t had that baby? Oh boy, are you in for some sleepless nights!

Yes, the people around you turn into standup comedians and they all recycle the same jokes. I firmly believe this is at the root of all pregnant women’s grouchiness. The swelling, the exhaustion – these are all things a person can cope with. However 9,878 jokes about the same damn thing will make a woman want to slap everyone she sees. Fortunately, people will write any and all bitchy comments you make off to pregnancy crazies so feel free to tell people to go to hell. For once, you can get away with it.

There are many, many more untold stories of pregnancy, birth, and child rearing. I’ve barely scraped the surface. Unfortunately, I got so annoyed thinking about all the irritating jokes that I’m going to need a glass of wine to calm myself down and think clearly again.

Recipe Sunday: Double Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies

Today, I want to share with you one of my favorite recipes. It’s super easy and makes a great gift, but it’s perfectly O.K. not to share the results with anyone. I always make these during the Holidays as a gift for some of my company’s top clients, and the one feedback I consistently receive is that they are gone within minutes. I believe the two keys to this recipe (and most other cookie recipes) is to chill the dough while you are preheating the oven (about 20 minutes) to prevent cookie spread (nobody likes a thin cookie), and using a teaspoon (instead of a tablespoon) to shape the cookies in order to create a bite-sized treat.

Double Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies
Total prep time: About 30 minutes
Total cook time: 8 to 9 minutes per batch

Ingredients
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened at room temperature [you can use salted butter if that’s all you’ve got, and feel free to use the microwave to soften the butter]
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour [you can substitute self-rising flour here, just omit the salt and baking powder]
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup rolled oats
4 ounces semi-sweet morsels [just over 1/2 cup]
4 ounces white morsels [just over 1/2 cup]

Directions
Cream the butter and sugar until the mixture is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract and mix together. Add the flour, baking powder, and salt. Mix thoroughly. Add the oats, white morsels, and semi-sweet morsels and stir until well combined. Chill the dough in the refrigerator for about 20 minutes.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper. Place teaspoon-sized spoonfuls a few inches apart on the cookie sheet. Bake for about 8 to 9 minutes, until the tops of the cookies turn light golden and the edges just start to brown. Let cookies cool on the sheet for about 3 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack. Try not to eat all of them in one sitting.

Store leftover cookies (how do you have any left?!) in an airtight container. They will keep for about 5 days, and can also be frozen for up to 3 months. I like to put my leftover cookies in the microwave for about 10 seconds to soften the chocolate before I dig into them again.

Share any suggestions and substitutions, or pimp your favorite recipe in the comments!

Recipes for People Who Can’t Cook Good

57 comments

As a typical aimless twenty-something, my busy schedule of wasting my life on the Internet and staring meaningfully into the distance often makes it hard to find the time to eat properly. Unfortunately, articles with titles like “20-minute Meals” or “One Pot Dishes” appear to be written for people who don’t know how to cook yet have a kitchen stocked with fresh sage leaves, something called “cumin,” and a whole bunch of other stuff that sounds totally made up, along with the standard spouse and 2.5 kids. They do not address themselves to the concerns and lifestyles of those whose tiny pantry is mostly taken up by their roommates’ pretzels and boxes of mac n’ cheese, and whose part-time blogging job does not allow them to purchase fancy ingredients most of which will inevitably spoil.

Clearly, what is needed is a series of recipes for people who are willing to cut up and/or mix some things and put them on the stove, but not much else. The idea is to keep it as simple and minimalist as possible while still turning out things that are hopefully a step above reheated pasta with a can of tuna dumped into it. No ingredients that you wouldn’t be able to find at the crappy Associated or Key Foods on your street, no long instructions for making your own sauce if you can buy something similar in a bottle, no perishable ingredients that only come in larger quantities than you can reasonably use by yourself, and no unnecessary garnishes or decorative crap.

With that in mind, I give you:

Creamy mushroom chicken and potatoes with spices and herbs and junk

Makes one serving. If you’ve got a problem with that, maybe you should ask your loving partner to help you with the multiplication. Jerk.

Ingredients:

-1/4 can cream of mushroom soup
-1/2 boneless, skinless chicken breast, diced
-Marinade (lemon pepper, herb garlic, or Italian dressing)
-Some chopped fresh onion
-Some vinegar or white cooking wine

-2 red potatoes the size of small fists (if you’re a real cheapskate and insist on using regular brown potatoes, go ahead, but don’t say I didn’t warn you)
-Some salt, pepper, oregano and other random spices
-Some olive oil or vegetable oil or whatever
-Fresh garlic or garlic/onion powder

Cut up the potatoes into small pieces, like eighths or something, and put them in a bowl. Then pour some oil and whatever spices you have in your pantry on them. I don’t know how much, just go crazy. If you’ve got some real garlic, chop it up real small and toss some of that in too, otherwise just use garlic or onion powder. Then stir all that shit until the potatoes are coated. Put them on a baking tray lined with tin foil and put that in the oven at 550 degrees for like 25-30 minutes, depending on whether you remembered to preheat – I never do.

While those are baking, heat up some oil on a frying pan, and dump in the chicken that you should’ve had marinating for at least an hour. Sprinkle some salt and pepper on it. Toss the chopped onions in there too, what the hell. Fry it for like 5 minutes or until it looks fairly solid. Then add in the 1/4 can of mushroom soup and like half a tablespoon of vinegar or a dash of white wine, and stir that all together. Sprinkle that with some garlic powder if you want, because there’s no such thing as too much garlic. Fry it for a couple more minutes, stirring occasionally, until you see the creamy sauce start to turn brown and sticky, then TURN OFF THE FLAME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU DO YOU WANT THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING TO BURN?

If you have managed to get this far without hopelessly screwing everything up, dump the creamy chicken goop on top of the potatoes that you hopefully remembered to take out of the oven and OM NOM NOM NOM. But not right away, because it’s hot and stuff.

Recipe: Spicy Honey Chicken? Yes You Can!

44 comments

Hi, my name is GtCosita, and I love P.F. Chang’s Chang’s Spicy Chicken. I am not ashamed to put this love out there for everyone to see. You would think that as someone who loves food, I’d be all about trying new things. You would be correct, except for the fact that money is tight and Orlando, FL is not exactly a Mecca of diversity when it comes to restaurants. A few years ago, one of the servers at Chang’s let me in on a little secret: order the honey chicken, ask for a side of Chang’s spicy sauce, and mix. I’ve been hooked on that combo ever since. Last night I felt like making my own, and found two recipes that I merged into the following deliciousness:

Spicy Honey Chicken (2 servings)
Total prep time: About 20 minutes
Total cooking time: About 15 minutes

Ingredients:
Two medium chicken breasts cut into nuggets (or any size you prefer)
1/3 cup cornstarch in a medium bowl
2 garlic cloves – minced
1 tablespoon minced or grated ginger
2 tablespoons chopped onion (if you have green onions feel free to substitute)
2 teaspoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon chili sauce (more or less depending on your spice preference)
3 tablespoons honey
2 tablespoons rice wine vinegar (you can substitute apple cider vinegar or white vinegar)
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup water
1 teaspoon cornstarch mixed in 1 tablespoon of water
Vegetable oil for frying

Prep
Heat up oil in a wok or skillet under medium heat. I use enough oil to almost cover the chicken without completely submerging it. While the oil is heating up, combine the soy sauce, chili sauce, honey, vinegar, salt, and the 1/2 cup of water in a bowl. Stir and set aside.

Don’t be afraid to try the sauce and adjust the spice to your liking (if you use your finger to try the sauce, you may want to wash that finger after you’ve put it in your mouth). Add the chicken pieces (a few at a time) to the bowl with the cornstarch and “bread” the pieces with a light coating.

Once the oil is hot (you can test dunk one piece of chicken – if it starts bubbling, you’re ready to go), fry the chicken pieces (turning once) until the chicken is cooked through (about 3 minutes per side for nugget-sized pieces). Take the chicken out and place on a plate with paper towels to drain. Carefully, remove some oil from your wok or skillet (you can put the excess oil in a ceramic bowl to cool), leaving about 1/2 an inch of oil.

Place the wok/skillet back on the burner (still at medium heat), add the onions, garlic, and ginger and cook for about two minutes. Add the sauce and stir for a few more minutes. Once the sauce starts boiling, add the cornstarch/water mixture, and stir for about two minutes. Once the sauce thickens, add the fried chicken back and stir to coat and heat through, about 1 minute. Serve with sticky white or brown rice.

Going Green…Internally

10 comments

Last month, while pondering what I wanted to do differently in 2011, I thought about what I put in my mouth.

For about seven years (age 14-21), I was a vegetarian. Back then, there weren’t nearly as many ready-to-eat or veg-friendly ingredients carried in regular grocery stores. Now, even Wal-Mart has organic and veg-friendly options.

Needless to say, I fell off the veg wagon and was OK with that for many years. Then, in 2010, after putting on some unwanted weight, I started working out with a trainer. I still didn’t change what I was eating, but knew that would need to change sooner than later.

While identifying what I wanted to change in 2011, I wrote down that I wanted to institute vegan Mondays and Wednesdays each week to force myself to really think about what I’m putting in my mouth and to start preparing healthier meals for myself.

A friend told me about the Physician’s Committee for Responsible Medicine and their 21-Day Vegan Kickstart program. I signed up, bought a few recipe books, and put together a meal plan for the first week.

Since January 2, 2011, I have been eating a plant-based diet and I feel great. Seriously. I’m a life-long insomniac, but have been sleeping really well lately. Also, I find myself waking up and wanting to get out of bed. My body feels energized. Usually, I felt sluggish around 2PM or 3PM while sitting at my desk. Last week, I breezed through that time with ease.

I’m now in my second week and feel like I could do this for much longer than 21 days.

Of course, it helps that I love to cook and throw stuff together in the kitchen. It also helps that I live in a city where there are tons of vegan-friendly restaurants in addition to the options available in the grocery store.

Because of my access to veg-friendly options, I consider myself quite lucky to be able to even do this. I know not everyone in this country has easy access to quality, fresh vegetables, which is something that needs to change.

Being on a plant-based diet has made me realize how important it is to keep track of what’s going in my body if I want it to continue working properly without slowing down.

Vegan Lasagna

1 10-ounce box frozen chopped spinach, thawed (or a bunch of fresh spinach, rinsed well and chopped)
1 Butternut Squash, peeled, seeded and cut into small chunks
4-5 Fresh basil leaves or 2 tablespoons of dried basil
1 container of firm tofu
5-6 cloves of garlic
1 teaspoon salt
About 2 jars of marinara sauce (or use your own)
1 cup of vegetable broth
About 12 dry (uncooked) whole-wheat lasagna noodles
1/4 cup nutritional yeast

Preheat oven to 325°F.

Place the cut butternut squash in a large pan or stock pot. Pour in enough water to cover the squash. Put on medium-high heat and cover. Cook until the squash is tender. Remove from heat and drain.

In a food processor, add the cooked squash, garlic cloves, and tofu. Purée the ingredients. While the processor is in purée mode, slowly add in 3/4 cup of the vegetable broth. When all ingredients are mixed, turn off the processor.

In a large sauté pan, add 1/4 cup of vegetable broth and the spinach. If using fresh spinach, sauté until it’s wilted. If using frozen, sauté until it’s warm. Remove from heat and add in the marinara sauce. Mix together.

Coat the bottom of a 9″×13″ pan with the marinara/spinach mixture, then add a layer of lasagna noodles, overlapping noodles slightly. Then, spread on a heaping amount of the butternut squash-tofu mixture to cover the noodles. Then, add on another layer of lasagna noodles. Repeat this process again. The final layer should be the marinara/spinach mixture. Sprinkle nutritional yeast all over the top.

Cover tightly with aluminum foil and bake for 1 hour. Stick a knife through the center of the lasagna to make sure the noodles are completely cooked. Let cool for about 15 minutes, uncovered, before serving.

Enjoy!

Making Food with Stabby

4 comments

Attention! Attention! This is to inform all readers of a new, Just In Time For The Holidays, cooking and baking column. Stabby will bake/broil/fry/steam/boil it first so that you don’t have to be frightened to try it.

The inaugural column will be a doozy: the cranky and intimidating croissant. I made these in May, 2010, and live-blogged it in Crosstalk. And man, those things turned out awesome! My sister has requested them for holiday eating, so I will oblige her and make a public spectacle of myself at the same time.

We will make plain, chocolate, pumpkin pie filled, and possibly blackberry (sister babbled something about blackberries today, but I’m not going to be responsible for procuring them; if she wants ’em she can get ’em). I’ll probably make them the week of the 20th. Keep in mind that they take about 36 hours total (including mixing, rising, kneading, baking), so if you want to make some for your holiday dinner, plan accordingly so that you can Bake Along with Stabby. Also, I’ll post the recipe ahead of time so you know what to shop for.

After croissant will be Butternut Squash with Gorganzola and pecans for Christmas dinner. Homoviper suggested this one. If you have a recipe request, send it my way and we’ll get it done; the family will be more than happy to be our guinea pigs.