Well, the votes are in (sorta) and now it is time to narrow our field of loathsome human beings down from 32 to 16. I had to dig up some nominations of my own since I didn’t get enough feedback and that idiot in LA whose prank call resulted in the death of an innocent person.
Here are the categories and nominees:
Politician
Paul Ryan – Workout enthusiast and granny starver. Thanks for bitching about deficits and debt and doing everything possible to paralyze President Obama only to turn around and pass a shitty tax bill than even 3rd graders know is going to increase the national deficit.
Mitch McConnell – Yurtle the Turtle always has that creepy smile on his face. He managed to steal a SCOTUS pick and deliver to the spray tan covered hands of the idiot in chief.
White Trump Supporters – I don’t want to say they are all racist, misogynistic idiots because I am sure there are some fine people among them.
Steve Bannon – Steve falls into the previous category so that’s a twofer. SNL didn’t even try to lampoon him they just sent out a guy dressed like death. Somewhere the area under a large rock is missing an even larger slug.
Roger Stone – Avid Trump supporter and conspiracy theorist, he managed to get himself blackballed by CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. That is a pretty impressive feat.
Scott Walker – Just like every other Republican with their lips on one or both of the Koch brother’s asses he is a climate change denier. The Republican party ladies and gentleman, for some reason they are still stuck in the 1950’s.
Ajit Pai – The smarmy looking douchebag who killed net neutrality, do I really need to say anything more?
Trey “Pencilhead” Gowdy – Wasted millions of taxpayer dollars on Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi! He didn’t find anything but managed to throw enough mud on Hillary to get Trump elected. I hear he is now considering a probe of the FBI probe of the Russian interference in the last election.
Media
Alex Jones – He makes up crazy ass conspiracy theories and then his zombie-like listeners get mad about stuff. Karma kicked him in the balls when he had to testify in court that his entire show was an act (he then went on his show and denied that). He acts pretty big and tough but honestly, I think I could kick his ass and I can barely climb a set of stairs without taking a rest halfway through.
Tomi Lahren – As Ann Coulter slowly fades into obscurity, Tomi is feeding off her dying energies to take her place. She says lots of stupid shit but I gotta give her a little credit for coming out as pro-choice.
Tucker Carlson – I feel like Tucker received a lot of wedgies and maybe even a few swirlies in high school and he probably deserved them. This is the guy Fox has on the front lines fighting for the rights of people who sexually assault other people. Unless of course, they are liberal, then burn them at the stake.
Sean Hannity – Another Fox News personality who got his time to shine when O’Reilly got run out of town on rails. He is the Goebbels for Adolph Twitler. I don’t think he realizes Hillary is out of public office currently. I imagine his office has a picture on the wall of Trump with candles lighting up the altar. In a glass case on the altar, you would find a couple strands of Trump’s hair that he found on a chair after an interview. What he does with this hair is not fit for printing.
Sean Spicer – This man liked to lie and not even about important stuff. Skewered brilliantly by Melissa McCarthy. I was personally surprised at how long he lasted. In high school, he was voted Press Secretary most likely to have a heart attack while yelling at the press.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders – Pulled the rug right out from under Spicey and took his job. Her favorite deflection is “I will have to talk to the President and get back to you on that”. I am pretty sure she hasn’t gotten back to us on anything. Just an overall terrible human being.
James O’Keefe – Got busted trying to set up the NYT with a fake sexual assault story. Somehow this guy has achieved hero status on the right by posting heavily edited videos. Has the journalistic credibility of a gopher on meth.
Bill O’Reilly – One too many sexual harassment lawsuits finally caught up with him. He still denies everything. After Fox dropped him he flew into the familiar arms of Glenn Beck for comfort and a place to vent.
Celebrity
Caitlynn Jenner – Much like other rich old white women, she’s a Trump supporter. That’s all we need to say.
Harvey Weinstein – Serial sex monster, who has been protected for far too long by the Hollywood machine.
Steven Seagal – Actor?, Warrior?, Sheriff?, Philosopher?, Putin pal, Athlete?, Harrasser, Groper, now Author?
Milo Yiannopoulos – Alt-right troll and generally despicable person.
Martin Shkreli – Famous for being a douche and having the most punchable face in the entire human race. Also, he is profiteering off of sick people.
Tyler Barriss – Slipped in under the wire by pranking the police and getting an innocent father of two killed over $1.50. Bragged about calling in bomb threats and other swatting events on Twitter.
Matt Lauer – Guess what he did? If you said “abuse his position of power to sexually harass women,” then you are correct.
Kanye West – He’s here by default, for basically being a narcissistic jackass.
Foreign Affairs
Vladimir Putin – General scumbag who gifted us with Pres. Trump. Likes to poison enemies. Imagine what we don’t yet know about him!
Rodrigo Duterte – The Philippine president who, in the words of Drew Sullivan, empowers “corruption in an innovative way.” He also sanctioned the murders of drug offenders, no matter how minimal the offense.
Marine Le Pen – The French female version of Donald Trump. Enough said.
Bashar al Assad – Syrian dictator who has killed thousands of his own people, probably with chemical weapons. Notable friends include Vladimir Putin.
Jan Tollenaere – A retired university professor and Holocaust denier. He recently said, “Was it really a reality?” Yes, doucebag, it was.
Kim Jong Un – North Korean dictator and Pillsbury Dough Boy stand-in, it’s looking like he will press the big red button that ends the human race.
Jayda Fransen – British racist, anti-Muslim, xenophobic lady-jerk who is the deputy leader of Britain First, a far-right ultra-nationalist group.
Suraj Pal Amu – Offered 100 million rupees ($1.5 million) to anyone who beheads the lead actress and the director of an unreleased Bollywood film “Padmavati” rumored to depict a relationship between a Hindu queen and a Muslim ruler.
Below I will post each head to head matchup. If you are the first person to vote please REPLY with the name of the person you are picking. Upvote if someone has already posted a name or post the name of the other contender. I hope that wasn’t too confusing I typed it out like 7 times to try and find the best way to explain it.
Voting in the first round closes 72 hours after this is posted.
