Hate These Eight (Worst Human of 2017 Voting)

The time has come. the field has been narrowed down to eight horrible examples of humanity who are not named Donald J Trump.
I made a mistake in the last round and put Steve Bannon in two rounds, I tried to fix it but only a few of you re-voted so I had to count flips, consult a Magic 8-Ball and throw a giant orange caterpillar into a volcano. It’s the first year of the “Worsties” and I was sick, so mistakes are bound to happen. Don’t worry. I promise the rest of this will be the greatest award presentation ever because I am totally the best at awards, and nobody knows more about accolades and brackets than I do. Scraping the bottom of the barrel (we emptied out the sewage after we skimmed the scum off the top), I think you will find that the following candidates will provoke at least some revulsion:

Politics

Paul RyanMinnesota’s Wisconsin’s sad-eyed workout enthusiast and granny starver is, unfortunately, one of the most powerful people in America. This has offered him the opportunity to screw the public repeatedly and often without giving us the courtesy of a reach-around. The so-called policy wonk managed to push through an absolutely terrible tax bill that is going to make the deficit explode. Note that hypocrite Ryan spent most of his career in federal government bitching about deficits and debt, but when given the keys to the candy store, he ran wild. I think it is notable his re-election campaign received $500,000 in donations from the Koch brothers. Nothing to see here.

Mitch McConnell – Senate Majority leader and turtle who managed to escape from the sewers, McConnell rose to prominence when he went on air immediately after Obama was elected and said, “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” He said nothing about improving America, making life better for people, creating jobs or even making sure we have a secure future. Nope, his concern was getting his party back into power so they could fuck over everyone but the wealthy. There is a special place in the afterlife for false patriots and I hope, in Mitch’s case, it involves eternally being made into turtle soup. Not-so-fun facts about this douche bag: His first name is Addison, and he’s also the clown who provided “Nevertheless, she persisted,” as a rallying cry for women.

Media

Sean Hannity – Trump’s default minister of propaganda, this Goebbels for the new age just can’t seem to help himself when it comes to misogyny and racism. He uses his show to defend and excuse rapists and racists. If he lived in the 19th century, he would have been enthusiastically promoting the message of the Confederacy. He’s the Bill O’Reilly for the next generation. I suspect that, much like a cockroach, he’ll survive Trump’s nuclear apocalypse and rise from the rubble.

James O’Keefe – He’s edited videos to misrepresent the intentions of the subjects. He tried to plant a false rape story in the New York Times, shut down ACORN and worked to shut down Planned Parenthood. He’s done loads of terrible things. But worst of all? He’s in his early thirties, so he’s got plenty of time to work on his Greatest Hits. A product of Breitbart, which also gave us Steve Bannon, he has one of the most punchable faces on earth.

Celebrity

Harvey Weinstein – He pulled out a tough victory over Shkreli, continuing to march toward the pinnacle of terribleness. Weinstein’s list of crimes and offenses are long, and most of them relate to sexual assault and rape. He has used his position to intimidate and insulate himself from the consequences of his actions. The less said about this creep, the better. Having said that, he should be the first and only person to colonize the sun. Sizzle much?

Steven Seagal – A bloated martial artist and pretend cop, he probably follows Joe Arpaio on Instagram. Everything he has tried since the height of his popularity, from aftershave to energy drinks to essential oils, has failed. He even has two albums of songs used exclusively in his own movies, ranging in style from country to pop. Can you imagine Steven Seagal singing pop? I can and it gives me brain cramps. “Girl It’s Alright”? No, it’s not.

Foreign Affairs

Bashar Al Assad – How is this guy still in power? Still alive? He nearly swept his bracket over Duterte, and that guy calls for the murders of low-level drug offenders. The civil war in Syria has managed to kill almost 100,000 people (as of the 2013 UN count) and the deterioration of his country has brought back such diseases as typhoid and polio. Those who died probably have it easy, relative to those who suffer from the relentless Human Rights abuses his government has both committed and enabled. Someone should check to see whether he’s the Horseman of Pestilence.

Vladimir Putin – He swept this bracket against Kim Jong Un. Apparently, Kim is more crazy than evil, while Putin is a megalomaniacal dictator who has actual power to back up his threats. He has invaded a neighboring country, been indirectly responsible for the downing of a passenger airliner and loves to poison reporters. Nobody tell Trump about this or he’s going to want to do it too. The de-facto POTUS gave us Donald Trump, and for that alone he should be put on the rocket with Harvey Weinstein.

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