A massive combover landed in Cleveland and threw itself into the eyeballs of the American people; HBO to forget about George R.R. Martin completely; the Pope asks if Hollywood really likes him; Adam Sandler is his own best friend; Michael Bay screams “Benghazi!” into a wind tunnel; True Detective “mehs” us to death; MSNBC is now a rehab clinic for unsuitable anchors; and Ryan Seacrest loses one of his forty-nine jobs.
So how did the Trumpening go last night? Basically it was like watching a bunch of ludicrous dancing laser lights being chased by one insane cat. That cat is Donald Trump, who just doesn’t give a fack. In the most not givingiest of a fack way possible.
In one evening Trump’s glorious sci-fi hair foam stole the show and managed to insult Rosie O’Donnell again; tell Rand Paul to go sit in the corner, you terrible performer, you; and balk at the notion that copious bankruptcies should eliminate him from presidential consideration. He barreled through that whole 120 minute putz-show like a pitt boss in one of his casinos; sweeping aside sniveling, kvetching mini-putzes to make it clear to the American public that if you want a safe candidate, go vote for Scott Walker from that cheese state. If you want a bombastic, serial womanizer, and crazed land owner, then you should vote for Trump’s massive ego. Everyone else on that stage last night had no desire to trifle with him. Like literally were afraid he might turn his hair follicles of death in their direction and melt them where they stood with fiery mouth spittle. There were no stories to tell about being related to an immigrant, or a mailman, or a school teacher. Trump is so about “Elect me, peasants, because I’m the real deal, or don’t and I’ll just run as an Independent so that I can really get wild and crazy with my shit. I’ll build an impenetrable wall to keep out Free Folk, giants, and immigrants…for night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take many wives, hold all lands, father many children. I shall wear the biggest crown and take mine own glory. I shall live and die in a Trump Plaza. I am the cash register in the darkness. I am the racist on the walls. I am the shield that guards the realms of white men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night’s Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.” [THR]
We think it’s entirely possible HBO will just simply kill off George R.R. Martin. We say this because the showrunners have decided that there will be more than seven seasons of Game of Thrones. They have no idea, yet, of how many more beyond seven they’re going to do. Suffce it to say, we take that to mean that they’ll end the show whenever they damn well please, everything else be damned! So what if they run out of source material! Martin’s booky mish-mash is only really serving as a loose construct at this point anyway as it’s been proven that HBO will throw as many rapes and crazy, nonsensical folly into that joint as an hour’s worth of bloody eyeballs seared into your brain can muster. It’s entirely possible that everyone, just everyone will be dead at the end of this show’s run. Like literally episodes will begin and bam! a dead character. No more of that cliff hanger business or wondering if so and so is really and truly dead; just the opening map of all of Westeros, a dead guy, and then roll credits. Haha! You, the viewer, never had a chance. There was no way in hell HBO was going to let you ride off into the sunset feeling good about anything that happens in this show. Oh, yes, they’re going to send all of your remaining favorites; Tyrion, Sansa, Arya, and Dany (Do we count Danerys?) on a boat set for a volcano in the middle of a tsunami after they’ve escaped a forest full of cobra snakes, a bigfoot, and a reanimated Joffrey zombie with a crossbow. You’ve been warned. Season 8 will bring the pain. Season 7 will likely end with HBO execs launching George R.R. Martin into outer space with a paycheck and a note that says, “Don’t bother returning, truthfully we haven’t needed you for six seasons, bye-bye, love you, we won’t be colonizing Pluto. You’ll be there alone; take your books with you.” [Vulture]
Apparently the Pope wants to meet the only real and true deity among us. Oprah. This is not even up for debate. This just is. It’s sort of like being present for a billion year old terraformation. Who’s higher than the world’s chosen pontiff? Only Oprah. She’s that magnanimous; like a walking dinosaur fossil impression. Anyway, the pope wants to meet with she and Matt Damon of all people. George Clooney is somewhere saying, “What? I have an actual acting Oscar, AND Jesus, I got malaria that one time!” New Cool Pope has also invited Ari Emanuel, David Geffen, and Brian Grazer to the Vatican so at minimum he can perform an exorcism on Grazer’s hair, and also discuss how to improve the church’s portrayal in Western entertainment. Ah, that’s just what the Vatican needs, right? An Ari Gold from Entourage character to work his magic on the world and make it believe that like Vincent Chase, the Catholic Church would be totally well-suited for a comic book movie role to improve its image. Let’s think of movie titles shall we? “The Blessonator!” [THR]
If you’d like to hear what delusion sounds like, than you need to read what Netflix’s chief content officer, Ted Sarandos, said about the dearth-of-funny frontman, Adam Sandler’s popularity at the box office. Many of us have known for years that Sandler has been coasting on slapstick unfunny shit and throwing it at the box office like a comedy gold bouillon cube floating in the Jesus waters of miraculous hilarity. It simply ain’t so. With each new offering we’ve seen Sandler grow more and more into a parody of himself as he sloppily mugs the camera with tired tropes and equally tired jokes. There’s been no saving him. Not with Drew Barrymore or Kevin James, or even playing opposite himself dressed in drag. He’s literally a pox on the comedy world at this point. The fact that his movies make any money at all is a bafflement that can only be solved by diehard fans who we imagine are counting how many “old balls” jokes can be stuffed into a can of oscillating dumb they can put on their shelves. Interestingly, in his latest movie, Pixels, it’s almost as if he knows how bad his own draw is, so he’s enlisted a bunch of others to participate in his wonder wheel of inane to their own detriment. The thing is though, Netflix has to be witnessing all of this; the collective eyeroll of the masses once it’s announced another Sandler movie is coming; the glee critics take in calling each one of his movies searing dogshit; and the firm skepticism in Sandler’s ability to do more than grimace through a movie whose plot rivals that of a Koosh ball rolling into a barrel of toxic waste. OR they are correct to gamble that Sandler is indeed the equivalent to a very large Cheeto only to be consumed in the privacy of one’s home, with the lights off so you maybe hate yourself a little less in the morning. [THR]
And with that, there goes everyone’s brain. EXPLOSION! Did you know Michael Bay has helmed a Benghazi movie? Dear God, does anyone know what a Michael Bay Benghazi movie could be? This is like hearing a monster has made a film about baby ducks. Or that a crazy person has made a film about highway bridge safety! These are things that don’t make sense. It’s as if Bay firmly believes he can talk about wars or government policy without making a robot slip in a pool of cake frosting. We’re sure that can’t happen. And if it does, perhaps someone has paid him in guacamole peas to make sure it happens. This will be shit. That is, if shit could shit and then look at it and call it shit. The part that frightens us the most is that he probably signed on to do this film because there was an obvious opportunity to blow something up or set it on fire, like his résumé, or his agent’s business card. We’d like to think all the Republicans are somewhere terrified that Bay Benghazi Splosion Bang Bang will reduce their talking points to billowy farts trapped in an elevator. Does it star Chuck Norris? We ask because when you mix insane Republican Benghazi sentiment with explosions doesn’t that always equal Chuck Norris? And we’re asking this because who the hell is still talking about Benghazi except Republicans and possibly Chuck Norris? (They’d totally be behind a real life Delta Force headed by Norris.)[Vulture]
Just so we can get this out of the way — the second season of True Detective sucks. We were never afraid that it was just us who thought so. We’ve been aware of the major suckishness of this season since a couple episodes in. It’s really crumbling under the pressure and certainly not living up to the first season, but none of that matters, because HBO programming president, Michael Lombardo, still believes it’s one helluva show despite what all of Twitter thinks. “Bah, what do you people know. This show is brilliant! You know the way Rachel McAdams has the same reaction and face in every scene; how Vince Vaughn is totally boring and strange, and doesn’t fit in this thing at all; and the way the plot just up and wanders away into a shopping mall of chewed up scenes and inexplicable confusion of what it’s supposed to be. Yeah, that’s really awesome for us and for the franchise. We certainly want to work with Nic Pizzolatto again because if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll find that goddamned lighting in a bottle even if I have to make Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson possess the souls of both McAdams and Farrell to make them even remotely likable and compelling!” Hey Lombardo, remember that show John from Cincinnati , the one that was billed as new and irreverent surf noir? It was supposed to change the television game and be the thing that made HBO more than the house the Sopranos built. (Surf noir, wat?) [THR]
MSNBC is cleaning house, and by that we mean getting rid of a lot of daytime flotsam and jetsam that was just taking up oddball space on the network. However, that doesn’t mean that they’re replacing those slots with “winners.” Urgh, apparently Brian Williams will be coming to the network in some form, possibly dressed as George Washington wearing Pinocchio Lederhosen. Chuck Todd will also be returning with his abominable facial hair or as we like to refer to it a “laugh-merkin”, and there’s growing speculation about the return of Keith Olbermann. The hell? Sounds like MSNBC is turning into some sort of wayward boarding house for the unlucky, unloved, and downright certifiable — those who’d like to either lie to your face, or rage-beat your eyeballs with political commentary and carnival voices. We’re not sure how they expect to win new viewers with that particular lineup. That’s a lineup for left-leaning shut-ins and maniacs. Apparently they’re doing away with “The Cycle,” co-hosted by Ari Melber, Toure, Abby Huntsman and Krystal Ball; “Now” with Alex Wagner; and “The Ed Show” with Ed Schultz. Other possible changes include cancelling “All In” with Chris Hayes, due to low ratings. Sheesh, we liked Hayes. That’s a bit upsetting, especially if you turn on MSNBC during Hayes’ hour and you see Brian Williams’ face for all the world looking as if he just went to the anchorman shop for an upgrade, and not having just gone through a public drubbing for being a goofy, egotistical broadcast charlatan. [TheWrap]
We’re not even sure what Ryan Seacrest’s new gameshow/giveaway show thingie, Knock Knock Live, was supposed to be. We just know that nothing about it looked interesting. Who wants to watch a series of awkward exchanges between celebrities and regular folk on live tv? Was he giving something away, or remodeling a house, or just introducing David Beckham to surburbanites? It was perhaps one of those things, or all three! We can’t tell, but it’s been cancelled after two episodes. It was a no win situation for everyone since both parties’ faces probably just screamed, “Hi, I’m Justin Bieber. It’s so weird that I’m here, right?!” “Yes, so, so weird! Are you giving me a free toaster?!” “I don’t know! My agent told me to show up here at 4:30!” Seacrest would have done better had he just decided to film pushing a Kardashian down a chimney and calling it Kardashamas. Anything short of that and he’s just wasting the world’s time. [TheWrap]
Casting News:
A person not taking over for Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, Louis C.K., is following around NYC mayor Bill de Blasio for some sort of unspecified, but surely comedy-related business. Perhaps Uber has paid him to say their name at important New York City functions because we know de Blasio won’t. [Vulture]
Sounds like everyone’s favorite Spirit Animal and Nicki Minaj Vocal Talent denier, Mariah Carey could be headed to Fox’s Empire. [Vulture]
“Ease on down…ease on..down the road!” NBC, the usual outhouse emporium of bad ideas, is actually making some inpsired choices with the upcoming The Wiz Live!. So far casting includes, David Alan Grier (cowardly lion), Queen Latifah (The Wiz), Mary J. Blige (Evillene), newcomer, Shanice Williams as Dorothy — and just added — Orange Is the New Black‘s Uzo Aduba and Glee‘s Amber Riley will be Glinda the Good Witch and Addaperle the Good Witch of the North, respectively. Stephanie Mills (the original Dorothy in the Broadway version) will play Auntie Em. [Vulture]
Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe will put on his America voice as a FBI agent in a new thriller. [RottenTomatoes]
Scientology bestie, Tom Cruise, is already talking about MI 6: Cult Protocol [Deadline]
Nobody in the Country Cares About Old Men alum, Tommy Lee Jones, will be joining amnesiac rage-muscle, Matt Damon, in the next Bourne film. [RottenTomatoes]
Rachel McAdams, who is simply not capable of acting with the same facial expression over and over again, will be the female lead in Doctor Strange. [RottenTomatoes]
The voice of God (and Titty Sprinkles), Morgan Freeman, may possibly play a Black Messiah President again in something called Down to a Sunless Sea. [RottenTomatoes]
Energetic thrusting meatloaf-smartypants, Channing Tatum, has finally signed the deal that would make him a Marvel star. He’ll be card-throwing superhero from the Bayou (Can Tatum do a Bayou accent we wonder?) Gambit in his own movie about card bombs and crawfish, we imagine. [THR]
Speaking of Tatum, there’s a helluva rumor going around that he and best buddy Chris Pratt are interested in playing Ghostbusters in a separate non all-female reboot. Sigh. This sounds a bit like that weird Ghostbusters cartoon that wasn’t the Ghostbusters at all, but something strange with a blonde dude and a gorilla. We don’t need no other stinking Ghostbusters. [Geek.com]
Good Christ, did you know Matthew McConaughey has a brother named “Rooster” and he’s some kind of oil baron millionaire? [Vulture]
Longtime interspecies lovers, Kermit The Frog and Miss Piggy have broken up, or moved to different ponds, or said their goodbyes at the farm gates, or whatever two muppets do when they want to date other people…er animals, er… Gonzos? We dunno. At any rate, all of America is in some kind of muppet-related mourning over this news, and we think that if nobody is talking about bacon, then the world should just get over it. [Vulture]
Image: BostonJerry
