It’s been a long, cold winter, but Midnight Movie Reviews is back with an all new installment for summer 2015!
Read on to see which blockbusters are getting your hard earned dollars this summer.
The snow has melted, the sun is out, and Hollywood is once again getting ready to assault our eyes and ears with the latest round of summer blockbusters. We’ve got superheroes, robots, the post-apocalypse, Anna Kendrick, dinosaurs, explosions, spies, and pretty much every other action movie trope out there.
Leading off the “summer” movie slate this year was Furious 7, proving that audiences’ lust for fast cars, beautiful women, and Vin Diesel growling at everything knows no bounds. Originally set to premiere last summer, Furious 7 was delayed after the untimely death of star Paul Walker mid-filming. Walker’s remaining scenes were completed using CGI and work from his brothers.
May 1st brings us the latest installment in the Marvel Cinematic Universe with Avengers: Age of Ultron. Directed by Joss Whedon and starring BEEFCAKE, BEEFCAKE 2: THE BEEFCAKENING, Robert Downey Jr. playing Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo’s inner conflict between doing artsy independent films and wearing motion-capture spandex and grunting, Scarlet Johansson’s catsuit, and Jeremy Renner, with *deep breath* Cobie Smulders, Don Cheadle, Anthony Mackie, Samuel L. Jackson, Elizabeth Olsen, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Andy Serkis, and James Spader as the voice of Ultron, who is apparently just James Spader covered in tinfoil.
By the time Avengers: Infinity War hits, I’m going to have to write an entire article titled “Midnight Movie Reviews’ lists the entire cast of Avengers: Infinity War”.
Picking up on May 15th, Hollywood’s latest trend of doing sequels to movies where the original actors have long since aged or controversied themselves out of the starring role is Mad Max: Fury Road. Starring Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron, get ready for this summer’s most monochromatic color palette yet!
May 15th brings us to the only movie in this article that doesn’t feature explosions, Pitch Perfect 2. Correction: after watching the trailer, there are in fact explosions. Well, can’t say I don’t have a type. Starring Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, and a bunch of other people that aren’t in anything else, go enjoy this summer’s guiltiest pleasure, and don’t try and fight how adorable Anna Kendrick is, because you’ll lose.
May 22nd brings us to Disney’s Tomorrowland, the latest entry in Disney’s incredibly profitable scheme of monetizing their 30+ year old rides at Disney World. Starring George Clooney and some other people, touch this magic pin, hop in your bathtub, and go on this summer’s weirdest acid trip.
June 5th brings us Entourage: The Movie. Fuck everything about this Triceratops-sized pile of bro crap. Starring Jeremy Piven’s increasingly ridiculous hairpiece, Adrien Grenier’s entire career, and the other three dudes no one cares about, roll the fuckin’ trailer.
On June 12th the latest installment in the previously moribund Jurassic Park franchise hits theaters in the form of Jurassic World. Starring Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, a bunch of CGI dinosaurs, and powered by Stan Winston spinning in his grave, this summer the park is open and this time, there’s a Mosasaurus eating a fucking shark.
For the kids and the kids in all of us, Disney/Pixar’s latest creation, Inside Out, hits theaters on June 19th. With Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling, Phyllis Smith, Bill Hader, and Lewis Black, watch Pixar turn a slightly ridiculous concept into a billion dollar success they’ll never make a sequel to.
June 26th brings us Ted 2, which is apparently just recycling old Star Trek episodes for plot now. Starring Mark Wahlberg as Not Mark Wahlberg, Seth MacFarlane as Raunchy Living Teddy Bear, and Amanda Seyfried as Replacement Mila Kunis, this summer, legalize Ted.
Finally breaking through the morass of June, July 1st brings us another installment in the increasingly convoluted morass of the Terminator franchise, Terminator: Genisys. Watch a visibly aged Arnold Schwarzenegger fight a CGI younger version of himself, and prepare to not follow along with anything and just enjoy the spectacle.
Also hitting theaters on July 1st, there’s Magic Mike XXL, which is being released overseas as Abs: The Movie. Watch Channing Tatum et al gyrate and strip for your amusement and titillation, and try and pretend that it’s not just a slightly less raunchy Showgirls.
July 10th brings us to another effort to break Disney’s stranglehold on the animated market with Minions, which is sure to delight the kids because kids are stupid.
July 17th brings us Marvel’s Ant-Man, starring Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas, Evangeline Lilly, and Corey Stoll. Possibly Marvel’s most risky venture yet, we’ll see if Ant-Man can keep Marvel’s Thomas the Tank Engine-sized train rolling.
Also coming out July 17th, Amy Schumer gets her big screen debut in Trainwreck with Bill Hader, directed by Judd Apatow. Love the concept and the cast looks great; I just hope that it’s not a two hour version of an Inside Amy Schumer sketch.
On July 31st, Tom Cruiser returns to the big screen in Mission Impossible 5: Rogue Nation. Watch Tom Cruise ride a motorcycle, drive a car, shoot people, jump on and off things, and run over a plane in flight.
On August 7th, Marvel’s first family returns to the big screen in the Josh Trank-directed Fantastic Four, except this time there’s Freddie from House of Cards and a cast that looks barely out of diapers. Oh, and Thing isn’t wearing pants.
August 14th brings us The Man from U.N.C.L.E., from Director Guy Ritchie. Starring Henry Cavill, with a ridiculous 70s accent and a great suit.
August 14th also has Straight Outta Compton, the story of the rise and fall of one of rap’s most influential groups: NWA. Yo Dre, they got somethin’ to say.
And that wraps it up for this summer’s film extravaganza. Tune in as I review a handful of these films, because I’d go broke if I had to pay for a ticket, a popcorn, and a soda at all of them.
BIZINGTON OUT.
