Hillary Clinton Surprises Everyone By Running For President

HILLARY TWITTER3Hillary Rodham Clinton surprised the political world by announcing today that she is running for president in 2016. Her announcement was quietly low key, probably because her decision to run was such a surprising spur-of-the-moment thing, leaving her no time to plan the traditional flag-bedecked rally.

Unlike GOP rivals Rand Paul, who roared into an Iowa Star Trek convention in his custom ethanol-powered roadster, Goldbug to make his announcement, or Canadian Ted Cruz, who burst out of an ice bear-shaped cake at CPAC, Clinton simply posted an image of her campaign logo, an “H” colored Democratic blue, mostly covered by Republican red, and lurching to the right, and announced via twitter. “OMG I WON’T BE YOUR PROSTITUTE!” An aide clarified that this was an autocorrect mistake, and the actual message should have been “OMG I want to be your President.” Former President Bill Clinton tweeted “OMG LET’S HERE IT FOR PROSTITUTES AMIRIGHT?!!” An aide to the former president could not immediately clarify if this, too was an autocorrect mistake.

Hillary Clinton announced via twitter than she was running for president. It could have gone more smoothly.
Hillary Clinton announced via twitter than she was running for president. It could have gone more smoothly.

Her potential rivals were quick to respond. Potential Democratic challenger Maryland governor Martin O’Malley mumbled something in a Waffle House outside Des Moines, but no reporters were there to hear him so it’s as if he doesn’t exist. Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who many progressives had been hoping would run, told a CNN reporter “For fuck’s sake, asshole, quit asking me if I’m going to run. What the hell are you even doing in my basement?” On the Republican side, Jeb Bush, who has not formally declared but who is not actually fooling anyone with that charade, released a video in which he said that he was his own man and he’d appreciate it if people would stop mentioning his brother. Canadian-born senator Ted Cruz, speaking in his native Albertan, said through his interpreter, “I welcome the First Lady to a spirited debate of ideas, even as I vow to leave the snows of Iowa and New Hampshire red with her blood, may the Great Snow Bear have mercy on her unbeliever soul.” An aide to Cruz clarified that he did not literally mean to draw blood, but declined to answer whether Cruz had acquired the ability of his people’s snow-shamans to transfigure into terrifying snow-beasts. Rand Paul, selling merchandise at his table at the CornCon Star Trek convention declined to comment but instead stared glumly into space and fiddled idly with his William Shatner “Wrath of Khan” toupee. The Iowa caucuses start in 46 weeks, and will be the first chance for some obscure state senator nobody is talking about now to upset Mrs. Clinton.

Rand Paul stared glumly into space when told about Hillary Clinton's announcement.
Rand Paul stared glumly into space when told about Hillary Clinton’s announcement.

 

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