Blerg and Biz Blove Blog: Online Profiles and Heightism

Blerg: Ok, so let’s talk about online dating profiles.

What kind of information do you put on yours? Either a site like OkCupid or Tinder? Or both.

Biz: OK, here’s my Tinder profile:

“I’ve been called the Da Vinci of our time and the Confucius of Central Indiana. Absolutely ridiculous; I don’t paint and I now live in Chicago. Consultant, nerd, cat owner.”

But let’s be realistic: no one is swiping left because of my profile.

As for my OKCupid profile, that’s basically the meat of it, plus some favorite movies, TV, music, stuff I can’t live without, my hopes, dreams, and fears, and my secret fear of dying alone.

Now, Let’s go through my top ten list of Things That Will Make Me Nope The Fuck Out Of Your Profile.

10) Overly athletic profiles. You run 3 5K’s a week, spend your life at the gym, and teach a yoga class? That’s great, because my fat ass is staying on the couch, and if I’m running anywhere there better be something chasing me. Also, if I have to have one more conversation about CrossFit, I’m going to seriously lose my shit.

9) Political views. Whether you’re liberal or conservative, it’s a huge turnoff to say, “If you are X, I won’t date you.”. I am deeply sorry you’re such a closed minded sack of crap, but I’m glad I know now rather than somewhere down the line.

8) Jesus and/or Religion. Look, I respect everyone’s right to worship whatever sky wizard they believe in. I’ve just seen enough empirical evidence to suggest that God probably has a blind spot when it comes to the Internet.

7) Food-shaming Vegetarians. I am a proud omnivore, and my ancestors evolved over 4.6 billion years to enjoy both a salad and a burger, and so will I. No, I do not want to hear your sob story about where veal comes from. I know where veal comes from, and it’s DELICIOUS.

6) That stupid fake Marilyn Monroe quote. If your worst is so awful that you have to warn guys in advance, your best is probably pretty shitty too.

5) Sex. Yes, if you talk about sex in your profile, I will pass. Why? It’s tacky. You like sex? Great, so do I. So does pretty much everyone! It’s kind of a universal thing we don’t need to discuss until we’re actually about to do it.

4) Dislikes cats. Sorry dog ladies. Love me, love my cat. That’s the deal.

3) Photos that are only group shots of you and four other girls that aren’t captioned. I don’t care how great your profile is, if I can’t tell which person in your photos is the person I’m messaging, that’s a hard pass.

2) Photos that are exclusively taken from above. Anyone that grew up in the age of MySpace knows all about that MySpace angle. You can’t fool us anymore. All I ask is for one photo taken in decent light straight on. Selfies are fine.

1) Heightists. If you put “I exclusively date black guys.”, “I will not date Hispanics”, or “No fat chicks” in your profile, you would be rightly labeled an asshole. Saying “I only date tall guys.” is just as bad. You can have a preference, that’s fine. We all have preferences. To add insult to injury, the vast majority of the women I see doing this have to shop at Baby Gap to find anything that fits, some real Polly Pocket-lookin’ motherfuckers.

And there’s my list. You?

Blerg: My Tinder looks like this:

Looking for a little bit of fun on a regular basis.

NOLA resident.

IG/snapchat: [username]

My OKC profile goes a bit more in depth (and I haven’t been on there in so long, I had to go look it up), but basically what you said: favorite entertainment, six things I “can’t live without,” what I’m doing on a typical Friday night and that I unapologetically own three fedoras. Funnily enough, I got a message last week and the guy referenced my fedora comment.

Now it’s for real that you and I can never date because while I might only have one workout picture in my Tinder profile (and not some stupid gym mirror selfie picture), any guy I even talk to needs to understand that gym comes first. I am literally there 6 days a week and I’m not giving that up for some flash in the pan.

I would say about 55-60% of the time I will swipe left on the first picture, but if I get past that here’s what will get you the X.

1) If your profile consists of too many of the following: gym mirror selfie, car selfie, bathroom selfie. Don’t you have any friends that took a picture of you?

2) Too many group photos. Which one are you? What if I can’t tell whom you are and am attracted to your friend instead of you?

3) You’re a blue outline. Seriously? If you created a fake Facebook profile to creep on Tinder, couldn’t you at least find one picture of yourself in a hat and sunglasses to put up? Or at least find a random picture on the Internet.

4) Your picture is blurry or of your dog. WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?!

And then if I can get past the pictures, here are some things on a profile that make me say “no thanks.”

1) Single dad. I know I’m at a point in my life where finding a man that either a) is childless and b) has never been married is almost like finding a needle in a haystack, but a single dad with sole custody of his child/children is not something I’m looking for.

2) Too many words. I’m on Tinder because I’m making a snap judgment. I’m not looking to read an essay here.

3) You don’t live in New Orleans. The last two guys I was involved with lived across state lines and trying to make schedules work was nearly impossible.

Do you understand why people list their heights on Tinder? That is one thing that I cannot figure out.

Biz: It’s heightism. I went on a Tinder date a few weeks ago where I walked in and I could literally see the disappointment on my date’s face. That, by the way, is why I don’t list my height.

Blerg: Ah… I don’t list my height either. A couple weeks ago, I matched and chatted with a guy who looked pretty short from his profile pictures. I didn’t want to ask, but I definitely took the opportunity to ask how tall he was when he asked me. He was 5′ 3″. Now, I’m 5′ 6″ and never wear heels, but that’s just a little too short for me. In the end my Stage Five Clinger Radar was going off big time and I had to unmatch him.

Anything else? What’s next?

Biz: Not yet. This is my personal soapbox and I’m going to stand on it.

Why is height such a big deal to women?

Last year I did an experiment on OKCupid where I changed the height in my profile in 2″ increments every two weeks, starting at 5’6″ and ending at 6′. The average height of a woman in the United States is 5’4″, so even at my present height I’m still taller than the average woman. Yet, the number of views and messages I got increased significantly the taller I made myself. Part of that can be attributed to a larger dating pool; a 5’10” woman probably wants to date a 5’10” or taller man. When I adjusted for listed heights at or under 5’6″, there was still a significantly larger number of women that were at or below my height that were more interested when I was taller.

I’ve heard the logic that everyone says they’re taller than they actually are when they fill out profiles, to the degree that women automatically assume you’re 2″ shorter than your listed height. To list your information accurately, you have to adjust for bias, which means you’re functionally starting off a relationship with a lie.

I’ve dated taller women. In fact, I’ve dated significantly taller women. I didn’t feel emasculated or awkward or anything like that. I was happy to be enjoying someone else’s company.

So, is the idea that a woman has to be shorter than the man she’s dating an outdated societal construct reinforced by media imagery, or is there some practical aspect to it that I’m missing?

Blerg: I’m sure it has a lot to do with the societal construct you mentioned. Personally, out of the guys that I’ve been with in one way or another, only 2 have been 6′ or taller. (And one of them was 6′ 6″.) I have been with guys my height and a little shorter, but never with someone where there’s a significant height difference.

What about you ladies out there? Does height factor into whether or not you want to date someone? Can someone be too tall or too short for you? Tell us in the comments and tune in next time when we talk to our very own Haysi about her Tinder experiences.

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