Welcome back to another installment of the Biz and Blerg Blove Blog. In this installment, we’ll be discussing the phenomenon of ghosting.
Biz: OK, so let’s talk about ghosting.
First, definition: ghosting is when you’re talking to someone online, either prior to or after an in-person date, and they disappear.
Now, why does ghosting happen? Let’s say you went on a bad, or even just a so-so date. You’re not interested in the person anymore, but you don’t really want to acknowledge it as a failure. So, you basically ignore it until it goes away. Why does ghosting happen? Generally speaking, people are cowards and dislike confrontation. For guys there’s the possibility of rejection, but at a certain point you get used to that. For women, there’s the possibility that the guy loses his shit and stalks you. So, significantly higher stakes for one gender over the other.
Blerg: See, now I don’t even get that far with that. I matched with this guy, we’ll call him Richard (because that’s his name), over Mardi Gras. We chatted on Tinder before eventually exchanging phone numbers. We texted back and forth pretty heavily, exchanged snapchats on a regular basis and then one day I noticed that he didn’t respond. Ok, whatever. Two days go by. Three. He responds finally. We chat a few more days, then he’s gone for a few more days. Then he responds to my last message and I respond (as he asked a question) and then… nothing. Haven’t heard from him in a few weeks. I’m over it now (and on to someone else), but I just don’t get it.
Look, I can handle rejection. A quick, “you seem nice, but I don’t think this will work” is better than just disappearing, reappearing and then disappearing again. I already have enough of a crazy girl brain, I don’t need some man make me even crazier.
I don’t think I’ve pulled the ghost on someone yet. I either just blatantly ignore you or have to decency to unmatch you before things get too far (i.e. exchanging phone numbers).
What say you?
Biz: Rejection sucks, but it’s not quite as bad as silence.
I’ve definitely ghosted, intentionally and unintentionally. Sometimes you just want someone to go away, and you don’t want to just say “Go away.” And sometimes you’re too busy to follow up and then you think too much time has passed and then you’re like “Eh, fuck it.”
I had a particularly bad ghosting episode a few months ago. I was talking to a woman on Match, and we had planned a date. We planned, I followed up, no response. She emails later, said she was sorry she didn’t respond, and we planned again. I followed up, no response. She basically vanished.
Every now and then I find myself in a flight of fancy where I think she’s in a coma or fell into a wormhole or something like that, but you never know.
Blerg: Ah yes! I had this other story I wanted to tell. Young kid, legal, but young, sends me a message on OkCupid sometime in November. It was the best message I’ve ever received – full of compliments, proper grammar, complete sentences, new paragraphs – the whole nine. So, even though he’s below my lowest age limit, I responded. We message back and forth several times and eventually, I give him my phone number. He says, message me on Kik. (What the hell is Kik? I’m getting olde.) Fine, I download it. We talk a bit. He disappears for a few weeks. I don’t think anything of it because he’s so young and it was the holidays. Then out of nowhere, I get a message from him on OKC apologizing for disappearing and asking if we can still talk. I say no big deal, I just thought he lost interest and sure, let’s talk. I give him my number again. He does text me that night, but then that’s it. Like, what the hell? (Though, him I’m not mad about because he really WAS too young and I should know better.)
My friends and I have a name for you “Flight of Fancy” thought – we would call that Having a Cancer Baby. Which, of course, that turn of phrase has a long story to go along with it.
Biz: I don’t think ghosting is related to age. I think it’s just one of those things people do because confrontation is hard and no one wants to really say “I’m not interested.”, which is funny because if you ask people they’d much rather hear ” I’m not interested” than nothing at all.
Also, it opens you up to feedback. You reject someone, they can always ask why, and that’s super awkward. Especially for women, it can get really pathetic or abusive super quickly, so I get it. At the same time, not providing feedback is like “Oh, she just sucks”, which is a shitty way of thinking about it, so no one wins.
It does make you wonder if guys would be less shitty online if they got called out on their bullshit. I had a woman say ” I liked your profile, but I was super turned off by your obviously pre-written message” and I dropped that approach super quick. How many guys are out there that are one piece of constructive criticism away from “ayy bby u wan sum fuk” to “Hey there! Here’s something in your profile we have in common. Let’s get coffee.”
Blerg: “Ayy bby u wan sum fuk” would be a terrible name for a band.
But yeah, those messages get ignored/deleted real fast.
Join us next time while we discuss online dating profiles.
