Eccentric Canadian citizen Rafael “Ted” Cruz announced he will run for the Presidency of the United States. Cruz, who was born in a foreign country and is as ineligible to hold the office of president as say, Fidel Castro or Mitt Romney’s dad, is much-beloved by as much as 4% of the GOP electorate, and is expected to be a serious contender for the GOP nomination until actual primaries begin and real votes are cast. Cruz, a Canadian, represents Texas, the place he lives now, not Canada, the foreign land of his birth, in the US senate.
“I love my adopted homeland, and I want to rule it, and not the land of my birth, which I despise and repudiate. Flock to me, Americans, and I will rule you wisely and well!” he announced through an interpreter. When excited, he lapses into his native Albertan dialect, and is frequently accompanied by an interpreter that Texas taxpayers unwittingly fund. Cruz made the announcement in a Lynchburg, Virginia Starbucks. He is scheduled to speak later today at the Liberty University annual “Racism Is Fun!” rally. Customers at the Starbucks where Cruz made the announcement were largely unimpressed. A fat man in a suit shrugged, and said he was voting for Jeb. A young dreadlocked man who smelt faintly of weed and Axe Body Spray said he was voting for Rand Paul, and did I want any weed if I wasn’t a cop? A young woman who’s name was apparently Beth, even though her cup had the name BLORGTH scrawled on it said she would vote for Obama again if she’s off on election day.
In the windswept snowy Albertan wastes where Cruz was born, reaction was mixed. At a Tim Horton’s in Calgary, a shaman of the Albertan snow-people frowned. “Repudiate? I don’t know what that means, but it sounds bad.” She shook a skin bag full of carved beaver bones. “I’ll have to consult the bones. Sounds bad, though.” Other patrons wondered why Cruz, a Canadian, didn’t just run for President of Canada. Then a very polite argument broke out over whether or not Canada actually has a president.
