Every rose has its thorn.
Ding dong the witch is dead. This week we (again) learn the price of playing the game of thrones.
Ramsay Snow enjoys the most dangerous game with his apparent girlfriend Miranda, who seems to have a lot in common with him. Theon (now Reek) stumbles along silently, shuddering as the hounds tear apart the girl they hunted for the crime of being pretty. Back at the Dreadfort, Lord Bolton returns after a dangerous journey through ironborn-held lands. He brings back Walda Frey, his new wife. If you’re wondering why he chose the big one, it’s because Frey offered the bride’s weight in gold as a dowry. When Bolton sees what Ramsay has done to Theon, he is not happy. His noble hostage has been reduced to a pitiful, and less valuable, pile of jelly. As Reek holds a straight razor to Ramsay’s throat, Ramsay has him tell Bolton about the truth of the Stark boys’ fate, and then informs him of Robb Stark’s death. Reek meekly continues the shave. Bolton changes his tune, ordering Locke to hunt down the boys, and giving Ramsay a chance to increase his own status in the eyes of his father.
Bran, the Reed siblings, and Hodor are in the forests north of the Wall; food is scarce, everything is bleak, and Bran is escaping by spending too much time using his warg powers to ride along with Summer as he hunts. When they wake him, he complains, and when Meera offers him a piece of their dwindling supply of food, Bran takes all of it. The Reeds say nothing. Jojen warns him against losing himself to his wolf. After they set off, Summer grabs their attention, standing underneath a weirwood tree. As Bran sets his hand underneath the carved face that marks a heart tree, his eyes glaze over. Mishmash of images: the three eyed raven flying into a candlelit tunnel, a great heart tree, hands that look too small to be a man’s pouring water over a sword, the Iron Throne in a destroyed hall, Ned Stark with fire reflecting in his eyes, a lone long-haired and fur-clad figure standing in a dark winter forest while a flock of crows sweeps down, the shadow of a dragon flying over what looks to be King’s Landing, Bran’s flight from the window, a barren stretch of ice and snow, more ice, ice and snow on a mountain. Over it all a voice: “Look for me under the tree. North.” Bran says he knows where they have to go.
During the pre-wedding breakfast, Joffery is on his best behavior for a few minutes. His gracious acceptance of Tyrion and Sansa’s gift (after a sidelong glance from Tywin), a beautiful copy of The Lives of Four Kings, is followed by a gracious destruction of said book with the new Valyrian steel blade (“Lots of people name their swords.” “Lots of cunts.”) gifted by his grandfather. Also destroyed is Shae’s safety; tattled on by Cersei’s handmaiden, Cersei points her out to her father. Tywin orders her to be delivered to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding.
Tyrion, warned by Varys, sees the exchange, and the decision is now out of his hands. Shae has to go. He does not want to bring pain to his wife, and Shae’s life is now in danger. He breaks up with her, resorting to bluntly calling her a whore and reminding her of her low status to break down her resistance. Reduced to tears, Shae is to accompany Bronn to the ship that will take her across the sea to Pentos and a new life in a house with servants of her own. Later Bronn confirms to an anxious Tyrion that he saw her board and leave with the ship, and advises him to “Drink until it feels like he did the right thing.”
Meanwhile, at Dragonstone, Melisandre is keeping herself busy with a little human sacrifice. Currently roasting is Axel Florent, Queen/Lady Selyse’s brother. Stannis ordered him executed for refusing to give up the Seven. Also a non-believer is the Princess Shireen. Selyse wants to institute corporal punishment (clearly the Lord of the Light agrees, because why else would she have been marked by greyscale?) but Stannis will not have it. Melisandre is sent to dissuade her of her mistaken faith instead. Shireen is not afraid of her. I like this kid.
The wedding ceremony is supposed to be beautiful, but of course Joffrey is there. I also have doubts about Margaery’s hairstyle. The two are pronounced man and wife, and the assembled clap with the minimal amount of enthusiasm. As the septon reads the traditional warning against any who would tear them asunder, we see Oberyn Martell, Olenna and Loras Tyrell looking on.
Business continues as usual during the wedding feast; so many threats, so little time. The Lannister twins proceed to cockblock each other. Oberyn and Loras make eyes at each other. Jaime interrupts this to tell Loras that he will never marry Cersei; in one of the greatest comebacks of all time, Loras says “Neither will you,” and claps him on the shoulder.
Olenna Tyrell is continues to show whose side she’s on. After goading Tywin about the state of the kingdom’s bank account and reminding him of how much of the wedding was paid for by the Tyrells, she takes the time to talk to Sansa about the loss of her brother. “War is war, but killing a man at a wedding, horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing.” She rearranges Sansa’s braids, adjusts the necklace that Ser Dontos gave her.
Cersei is her usual cheerful self throughout the affair. After Brienne gives her congratulations and best wishes to the newlyweds, Cersei corners her and accuses her of swearing herself to whoever is convenient. Brienne says that she is not sworn to Jaime, and Cersei replies “But you love him.” The look of horror on Brienne’s face is answer enough. Cersei may not want Jaime anymore, but that doesn’t stop her jealousy. And though she compliments Margaery on the announcement that all leftovers from the feast will go to the poor (how generous), she turns around and tells Pycelle to make sure that they instead go to the kennels. The generosity never stops. Walking with her father, they encounter Oberyn Martell and Ellaria Sand. Cersei not so subtly insults Ellaria’s bastard status; Oberyn responds with a reminder that in some places, the rape and murder of women and children is frowned upon. How fortunate that Cersei’s daughter Myrcella is in such a place. Oberyn is not afraid.
Sansa sits stiffly, silently throughout most of the wedding. Tyrion looks to be doing much the same. After a cheerful rendition of “The Rains of Castamere” that Joffrey cuts short by throwing coins at the musicians, Joffrey subjects Dontos to a hail of oranges, both attempts to stem his wife’s apparent boredom (at least he’s trying?). Next, he calls out for the assembled guests to keep an eye to “history”; it is then that five dwarves, dressed to “fight” the War of the Five Kings with fake lances. “Robb Stark” has a wolves head; “Renly Baratheon” is mounted on a blonde-haired doll, ass exposed. Loras leaves the high table in a fury. Most of the crowd howls with laughter, including young but tall Tommen, until he see’s his uncle’s face. The Tyrells, Sansa and Tyrion, a lady dressed similarly to Olenna, Oberyn Martell and Varys show no amusement. Tyrion silently puts a hand over Sansa’s as Robb Stark is knocked down and rudely mocked.
Joffrey waits for the end to make his dislike of his uncle explicit. Joffrey says that Tyrion should fight the champion of the combatants; Tyrion responds by challenging his nephew to display his own valor, as he did during the Battle of the Blackwater (snicker). Joffrey’s mouth drops open. The crowd titters, and then a deadly silence descends as Joffrey dumps his wine goblet over his uncle’s head while Tommen tries his best not to make eye contact. Tyrion offers him a way out, saying that the wine has spilled. Joffrey doesn’t take it. His humiliation is not yet finished; he orders Tyrion to be his cupbearer, ignoring Margaery’s attempt to draw him back to his seat.
Tyrion does what he must; Sansa does what she can, retrieving the goblet that Joffrey kicks under the table for her husband. But Tyrion refuses to kneel. He is only saved by Margaery’s exclamation upon the timely arrival of the pigeon pie. Sansa asks Tyrion if they can leave, and they attempt to do so, but Joffrey calls Tyrion back to perform his cupbearer duties after Margaery feeds him a few forkfuls, claiming that the pie is dry. Tyrion serves him his goblet, under the eyes of Olenna Tyrell; Joffrey drains the cup.
When he starts coughing, it becomes clear very quickly that something is wrong. As he collapses facedown, vomiting, Jaime and Cersei run to their son. When they turn him over, he is already hemorrhaging (nice makeup and effects) as he struggles for breath. While all eyes are on the dying king, Dontos comes to Sansa where she stands beside the dais and tells her that if she wants to live, she has to go with him now. He reaches towards Tyrion, who is bent over to examine the cup that Joffrey drank from. Cersei’s grief turns to anger. She screams for his arrest, and Tyrion is grabbed.
Whodunnit? People who have read ASoIaF, please be mindful of spoilers.
