Crass confession: I love strip clubs. I love the atmosphere. I love the ladies. But I also love the music.
My love affair with strip clubs began in the late 90s. My mother had finally secured divorce from husband number 3/5 (they were the same man) and had moved into this amazing condo building near downtown. It was loft style and there was only 7 units in the whole building. Plus it had off street parking, security, and a tiny yard for the first floor unit that Mom was moving into.
What she didn’t know, nor had she figured out for at least a year was that all of her neighbors in the building worked for the same strip club. She finally put two and two together when she was repairing a top for one of the girls that was basically a band aid and some string and Mom had to ask how this could be a ‘work’ garment and was subsequently informed that all of the ladies in the building were dancers. I kind of figured it out months before. Even though it was the hey day of the rave culture in New Orleans, no one wore that much glitter for a night out on a Tuesday.
Once I was in the know, so to speak, the ladies used to ask me to come down and hang out at the club during the week because, “At least you’re someone to talk to during the slow shifts.” Plus, I really like breasts. But Matty aren’t you gay?, I can hear you all politely asking. Yes. I do have a giant love for the peen, hell I might even go so far as to respond to ‘cock gobbler’ on occasion, but I love boobs. And strip clubs. The seedy atmosphere, the $12 tap beer, the weird lighting where regardless of what I do my hair glows in the dark and I can see car and dog fur on everyone in the room, the odd aggressive desperation that permeates the establishment, and the music with bass turned up so loud that my ears would bleed. Now this is what I would call a Tuesday. Fridays and Saturdays were spent at the boy bars. Gotta have some balance.
And the music is why I am here. In honor of Crass’ third anniversary, I figured I’d give you my top ten stripper songs of all time and a story or two behind each one. These are my opinion, not anyone else’s. They are in no particular order. The names mentioned in the following stories are their stage names, not real ones, and have probably since been changed dozens of times as they moved across the landscape of strip clubs.
First things first, NIN’s Closer is not on this list. It doesn’t have to be on this list. It is, without a doubt, the greatest stripper song ever produced. Trent Reznor said after it’s release, “We’re just going to call out next album, ‘Music for Titty Dancers’.” Which is hysterical as he had worked his way through the dancers at several clubs and had a fondness for one in particular who went by the name of Paris. She was also a foot taller than him. The few times got the chance to be graced by his presence at one of Mom’s neighbor’s houses he was actually a decent guy. Closer is the lifetime achievement, hall of fame status, star on walk of fame stripper song. It walked a ball and snatched a trophy. On to the rest of them!
And now, let’s give a warm Crasstalk welcome to Destinie as she enters the main stage!
Control by Traci Lords
This song brings me back! Way back! It also reminds me of Tigger, yeah that was her stage name. Apparently the one she wanted to use at this club was being used by two other girls, so she had to choose another one. Anywho, this was her signature song that ended with her dancing with two balls of real fire. Management only let her do this every so often because of safety codes or some nonsense. A half baked stripper and fire, what could go wrong?
Doin’ It by LL Cool J feat. Leshaun
Ladies love cool James. Especially at the club. I have seen this performed multiple times and twice involving the white rug and white fur bikini which I thought was a nice call back to the video.
Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson
Sigh. For some reason this is a strip club staple. It might have something to do with the bass line, no clue. Raevyn (I know, I know) used to dance to this one. She would stomp onto the stage in her black latex (“Matty, it just shines better in the light. I tried leather and it just didn’t have the same effect.”, she once explained when I asked about comfort and New Orleans heat and humidity.) and proceed to hate f*ck the guys in the crowd to this song who would eat it up and throw lots of money at her.
Milkshake by Kelis
La la la la la…the boys are waiting. Couple of years ago my brother and I were in Hawaii celebrating our birthdays and on his day of days he politely requested (Wake up assh*le, we’re going to see tittys, was what he said) a trip to see the local talent as his gift. Midway through the evening and several Diet Cokes later, the DJ asked us for the warmest of warm welcomes for their newest lady who danced to this. You could tell she hadn’t been practicing in her Lucite heels, because 45 seconds into what I will politely call a routine, she fell off the stage. Bro McBoy was feeling charitable and bought a bottle of over priced champagne, I guess you would call it even, though it had a twist off cap but the label said product of France so LEGIT, from her so she wouldn’t lose her job that night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XELpxApT8Kc
Do You Wanna Touch Me? by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
This was another Raevyn special. She had enough seniority to demand only rock songs and the DJ had a list of the ten or so songs she’d deign to grace the crowd with her presence to. They were always cold performances, looking off into the middle distance, and mouthing the words to herself as she hit mark after mark on stage. If memory serves me, there was a pole routine with this song. And splits.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwprxmDycZE
She Rides by Danzig
I don’t know much about this song or even actual performance of it, but it does remind me of my favorite of all time, Jasmyne. I loved Jasmyne. Hard rock chick, awesome mom, and actually completing her PhD in astrophysics, we used to run into each other on campus. She lived above my mom and would have dinner with her two or three times a week. I guess she could sense mom was lonely, who knows. But Jasmyne hated Glen Danzig with a passion. He once showed up at a party she was having and Jasmyne lost her ever loving shit and threw him out. He was in town double billing with another band whom Jasmyne was friendly with, she threw a party for the other band and he showed. There was history there, I guess. Or he’s a total tool. Probably both. Through Jasmyne I got to meet people like Keenan from Tool (he’s tiny), the aforementioned Reznor, the guys from Metallica minus Lars (another one she couldn’t stand), and Henry Rollins. Her and Henry would have actual conversations while debauchery went on around them.
American Woman By the Guess Who
Savanah was another of mom’s neighbors who worked at the club with Jasmyne. She was another one who had enough seniority who could call the shots as to what she danced to, when she danced. She was more of a lap dance kind of gal – more money doncha know. From the deep South and usually went with classic rock, throwing open the curtains and hitting the stage with a gusto that few could match. She treated it like what it was, a damn job and did her best to make sure that the crowd loved her.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UIB9Y4OFPs
Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
This is another one of those strip club staples that never goes away. Produced by the great Mutt Lange (also ex-husband of Shania Twain) for the seminal Hysteria album, it goes heavy with innuendo and driving guitar while Joe Elliot wails above it. For more than a quarter of a century (damn I AM old), this track has been bringing ladies to the stage.
Paradise City by Guns and Roses
Star was old school. She’d been in the game for 20 years, had no intention of leaving, and like Savanah gave the stage and the customers what they wanted because it was her job. She once told me, “I make 6 figures a year. You really think I’m going to give up that to go work a register for ten bucks an hour? F*ck that noise.” Her costumes were elaborate and often involved sequins and feathers. She’d pay mom to sew those things back together. She was another one who was a riot to hang out with. She had great stories, made no real bones about her work. At one point we even shared a pim- I mean booking agent.
You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
Melodie. Another of mom’s neighbors. She owned something like 25 rental properties, had an MBA from Tulane, and the goal was retirement by 40. Another of the rock chicks, she was old friends with Jasmyne, she’d often have huge parties on the roof of the building and lots of rock stars would show up. Worked half the year in Japan because they throw money at tiny blonde stripper there and the other half of the year would be spent in NOLA with side trips on the circuit. One year she took me to Sturgis with her to pull beers at the rally. I made enough money that weekend to pay my tuition for the next two years. She looked after the other girls and would really get on them about taking control of their lives and their finances. Again, another bad ass chick.
I know I am missing wide swaths of the stripper music genre. Fill me in in the comments.
Happy Third Birthday, Crasstalk!
