Canadian-born U.S. senator Pablo “Ted” Cruz announced he will renounce his Canadian citizenship and defect permanently to his adopted homeland, the United States. Cruz, who is widely expected to seek the Wingnut Republican presidential nomination in 2016, had come under increasing pressure to explain the circumstances of his birth to Republican leaders who are obsessed with vaginas and things that come out of vaginas, like babies.
“It was a very difficult decision,” Cruz said to reporters at a Georgetown fundraiser. “But I owed it to my supporters to be forthright and honest about my heritage.” Later, at a post-fundraiser cocktail party, Cruz was more blunt. Munching on pemmican and sipping on a maplito, the traditional rum and maple-brandy drink of his Cubano-Canadian forbears, he said in his lilting Cubano-Canadian accent, “it’s important that we get in front of this issue. The voters who are concerned about President Obama’s Kenyan citizenship and Muslim-y socialism are the very voters I need to convince in the primaries. And I can’t let Paul and Christie and whats-his-name [note: presumably he means Santorum] define citizenship in some cockamamie way.”
As the party increasingly focuses on wackadoodle fringe issues, the issue of birthright citizenship and presidential qualifications has become a vexing one for the GOP. Cruz, with a Cuban father and a birth certificate stamped with pictures of loons and beavers and written in French, is trying not to run afoul of this particular lunacy. It’s not easy for him. “Certainly if Cruz was the product of a Communist Cuban and some sort of snow-demon, his eligibility to be President would be called into question,” said noted crackpot Constitutional law scholar Luther Van Horn of the West Tennessee College of Dentistry, Law, and Bible Studies. “The concept of ‘natural born’ clearly means produced through ordinary Christian reproductive congress, and then extruded through the birthing orifice of an upright Christian lady. On American soil. This concept naturally excludes test-tube babies, Caesarian births, clones, cyborgs, and of course, demon-spawn. And probably Canadians. If Cruz was birthed by a snow-people succubus filled with human seed by a lusty, bearded, Castro-loving revolutionary during some unholy snow-people fertility rite, he is by all means unfit for the presidency.”
Cruz aides responded quickly to Van Horn’s comments. “First,” said Cruz aide Jasper Murcheson, “the term ‘snow-person’ is offensive. People from Alberta prefer to be called ‘Albertards,’ not ‘snow-people.’ Alberta is really just like West Texas, except for the murderous cold and readily accessible affordable health care. Why, the town of Bison Kill has electricity nearly every day, and parts of Calgary have wifi! And really, the circumstances of the senator’s birth are not germane to any discussion of how to get our country back on track. Whether there was or was not an ice-shaman in the birthing yurt, or whether or not his mother can transfigure into a snow-bear–voters don’t care about these things. Voters care about his strong conservative message. Besides, Senator Paul, Governor Christie and others really have no grounds to criticize anyone else’s birth status.”
Murcheson was referring to the somewhat suspicious circumstances surrounding the births of Senator Rand Paul, and Gov. Chris Christie. Paul, of course, is the offspring of the undead 3000-year-old Bronze Age shaman stoners call Ron Paul. How, exactly, this came to be is somewhat unclear, however. Whether the undying specter actually impregnated his wife of 2800 years, Ankhesenamun is uncertain. Paul staffers bristled at the assertion that the senator’s birth was some how unnatural. An anonymous Paul aide noted “Senator Paul–unlike some other candidates–was indisputably born in the United States, and is a proud citizen of the United States and Texas.” The aide declined to clarify whether any sorcerous impregnomancy was involved, or whether the Senator did, in fact, descend through Ankhesenamun’s dusty birth canal.
Chris Christie’s problem is the persistent rumor that he was not actually born to a human woman, but was instead a product of the Cold War-era Project MANRUS, a secret program to use walrus DNA to create a race of human-walrus hybrid super-warriors who could be used for Arctic fighting in the event of a war with the Soviet Union. Christie staffers declined to speak on the record, but an anonymous source said, “Look, I’m not saying he IS a manrus, but maybe the steely resolve of the noble walrus is something we need right now. Chris Christie might be just the human-animal hybrid America needs.”
The first of the GOP primaries and caucuses start in only 28 months.
