Anthony Weiner’s Sad Genitals Leaving NYC Mayor’s Race

Delusional man-whore and disgraced former Congress-skank Anthony Weiner and his attention-starved genitals are leaving the New York City mayor’s race. In a statement released on the popular genital-flashing website CheckOutMyJunk.com, the congressman, his scrotum drooping with defeat and sadness, said; “Hey Girl HEY! Check out my mad junk, YO! Also, it is with regret that I announce that I am withdrawing my candidacy for mayor of New York. To the good people of New York and to the HOT CHIX of CHECKOUTMYJUNK.COM,  I want to thank you for this opportunity to serve you HOT PIX OF MY STEAMING MAN-MEAT AW YEAH!” He also posted gif images of himself making masturbatory gestures.

Weiner had once been in the lead in the crowded mayoral race, but his poll numbers collapsed after revelations that he continued flashing pictures of his junk on the internet even after his humiliating resignation from the House of Representatives for junk flashing in 2011. His junk-flashing pseudonym, “Carlos Danger,” made him a laughingstock and earned him a cease-and-desist letter from the Mexican entertainment consortium Compañía del Movimiento, which owns the rights to the 1960s Carlos Danger spy movie franchise. Enrique Prieto Garcia, Chief of Marketing for CDL, commented “Carlos Danger is a beloved character, and to have his name sullied by this man’s unsightly privates is most unseemly. We ask Mr. Weiner to please be quiet and go away.”

Most recent polls show him in seventh place in the mayoral race, behind Chuck Hitler, grandson of the murderous German dictator, and tied with Zorgo, a gorilla who lives in the Bronx Zoo. “He is a disgrace,” Zorgo stated through a sign-language interpreter. “He has no business running for office. I throw bodily wastes in his direction.” Hitler, owner of the Crazy Chuck’s appliance chain, agreed. “He’s like a monster.”

Weiner is no novice when it comes to embarrassing hijinks, and his term in the House was not without controversy.  He was rebuked twice by Majority Leader Steny Hoyer for pleasuring himself in the House cloakroom. During a debate on the farm bill in 2009, he repeatedly shouted “show us your tits!” at Congressman Barny Frank, until an exasperated Speaker Pelosi had him tased by the sergeant-at-arms. Pelosi also criticized Weiner for continually inserting the word “titties” into the Congressional Record.

The only piece of legislation he sponsored was a bill to make a Topless Tuesday National Holiday. It failed.

Carlos Danger was a popular 1960s Mexican spy movie series. Weiner used the name "Carlos Danger" to hide his sordid internet skullduggery.
Carlos Danger was a popular 1960s Mexican spy movie series. Weiner used the name “Carlos Danger” to hide his sordid internet skullduggery, because he is utterly without shame.

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