Archer_2010_IntertitleDo you get celebrity crushes? I do. I love my celebrity crush for anywhere from one to six months and we have the steamiest, sometimes romantic interactions… in my mind. Then one day, they either wear an ugly shirt, tweet something stupid or I just grow bored with them and break up with them. Very dramatically of course… in my mind.

My celebrity crushes aren’t always the hotties of today. One of my longest crushes was Cat Stevens, but not as Yusef Something-or-another that he is now. I’m talking the Peace Train singing Cat Stevens. Yeah, he was that Cat when I was like, four. What can I say? I was really into 70’s folk at the time. How did I imagine that I met him? I was a songwriter and he wanted to collaborate on a song with me. Our chemistry was undeniable.

Anthony Bourdain cooked for me, naked, a la 9 1/2 Weeks. Ira Glass and I talked in bed, while Stephen Colbert and I laughed. Listen, I never said I was original. I must admit I kinda liked Archer for a day. Hey, he’s a fine looking cartoon man! Hugh Laurie, Idris Elba, Ken Watanabe, Peyton Manning (??) all gave me my own private soap operas to play with in my mind as I drifted off to sleep.

Celebrity crushing gives me something to do with my noisy mind. I’m really not obsessed with these people I will never know, I swear. I don’t make life-sized pillows of them. I don’t hate their real life significant others and I know we aren’t destined to ever be together. And I would never act like a damn fool if I ever saw them in real life. In fact, I probably would just be all like, pfft, unimpressed. Because that’s how I roll with all of my crushes. It’s something I have fun with, and something that entertains me when I can’t fall asleep at 3 am. Sure, it’s a little embarrassing. Juvenile, I know. Oh well.

I haven’t really crushed lately. No one has really inspired me. Until today. This particular celebrity has never done it for me before, but something about a man at the White House. Have you seen the pictures of Bradley Cooper at the White House Mental Health Conference with his good hair and pretty teeth? He looks like he does emotional sex, then weeps after, doesn’t he? I think I can use this.

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