Hey America! Stop Making Doughnut Sandwiches!

Does this really need to be said?

Well, yes, apparently this truly needs to be said. When did it become a thing where we take sugary, glazed pastry add meat and cheese to it, or stuffed inside it, or hell, just fire-bombed into your arteries from a doughnut cannon? Why would this ever need to be consumed? Well, because America is hell-bent on destroying itself one bursting corpuscle at a time.

The Krispy Kreme people have decided to go ahead and make a Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe. That’s right. Sloppy. Joe. On. A. Doughnut. That has got to be some sort of illegal wartime activity right there. We can’t imagine anything more noxious. Okay. Well, maybe a hotdog apple pie or something insane like that. (There’s no way I’m Googling to see if this actually exists.)

But beef on a doughnut? Wake up! This is literally the Paula Deen way of life! Remember her Lady’s Brunch Burger?

And not to be outdone, Dunkin Donuts, which has become some sort of breakfast sandwich/lunchmeat eatery place, and not just where you get iced coffees and doughnut holes, has announced a glazed doughnut breakfast sandwich, because everyone needs a sausage-doughnut tooth cavity.

It’s really like all of us are afraid that if we don’t combine our food courses, we won’t have the available time to enjoy dessert. Really? Are we so pressed for time that we need to cram everything into one absurd bite? Yes. Maybe we can eat our doughnut-meat while we shower-shave in our bed-car.

End of times, really. Also, croissant-doughnuts, Cronuts.

Apparently doughnuts are the new pantry staple. Need some flour for that recipe? Throw in a doughnut. Yes, two teaspoons of doughnut will thicken any sauce, stew, soup, or processed deli meat. Why didn’t anyone think of these things years ago? Well, because they’d be dead of a heart attack, that’s why, silly.

You’re welcome, America.

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