¡Hola! Move over, Lucky. Today I’m your HMIC (Head Mexican in Charge) and I’m here to wish you a happy, fake, not-at-all Mexican holiday.
But don’t let the falseness of the holiday, dissuade you from celebrating. No good American lets the fact that a holiday is basically a figment of our collective imagination stop them from throwing a party. This goes double for me and my fellow Mexican-Americans, who love few things more a BBQ. Happily, because we are Mexican, we don’t really have to switch it up for Cinco de Mayo, it just means our normal fare is on special at the grocery store.
Here are the three key dishes from my family BBQs for you to ring in the fake Mexican Independence Day They’re good enough to keep me showing up to various backyards, where various aunts will spend hours asking me about my lack of a husband, and simple enough for me not to panic when my grandma gives me six hours notice that everyone in Los Angeles with the last name Torres is coming over for a pool party.
HEADS UP: I’ve been making or observing these dishes being made for a few decades. I don’t measure shit out nor have I ever seen this shit actually measured out. Everything is an approximation. But nobody died the last time I was in charge of a BBQ so take that how you will.
Feeds 10-15
Carne Asada
4 lbs of skirt steak
Marinade
- 3 oranges, juiced
- 4 limes, juiced
- 8 cloves of garlic, minced
- 2 jalepeños, roasted and minced
- 1-2 handfuls of diced cilantro
- 4 tablespoons white vinegar
- 2 cups extra virgin olive oil
Combine all ingredients in a jar or bowl and let sit overnight. Then pour over meat in a baking dish and let marinate for 3-8 hours. Don’t allow it to marinate any longer or the meat gets mushy.
Grilling
Get someone else to do the grilling. You spent your evening chopping your ass off, so you get to get drink enough to ignore your uncle. If they cook your steak beyond medium, kick them out of your BBQ or tell their biggest secret to your cousin with the big mouth.
Spanish Rice
- 1 BIG ASS pot.
- 6 cups long grain, white rice
- 3 bunches scallions, dice (only to the end of the white part, leave the greens aside)
- 6 cloves garlic, minced
- 48 oz (or 6 small cans) of tomato sauce
- 13 cups water
- 1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil
Brown the rice in olive oil, when rice is almost browned, add the garlic and scallions and cook for 2-3 minutes. Then add tomato sauce and water. Bring to boil. Once boiling reduce heat to low, cover pot and simmer for 25-30 minutes. Keep your eye on it. Every stove and batch is a little different. When it’s done you’ll have a thick layer of sauce at the top and no liquid. But be careful, the bottom will start burning quickly. Leave lid on for 10 minutes after shutting off heat.
Guacamole
- 6-8 avocados
- 4-6 cloves of garlic, minced
- 1-2 red bell pepper, diced
- 1 large red onion, diced
- 1-2 serrano chiles, minced
- 2 limes, juiced
- 1-2 handfuls of diced cilantro
- salt and pepper to taste
Peel, pit, and mash your avocados in a bowl, add in the onions, cilantro, garlic, bell pepper, and mix together. Once mixed, add in lime juice and salt and pepper and mix again. Don’t mix too much, you want it to stay a chunky. Eat with chips, in a taco with the carne asada, and/or off the body of your current sex partner.
Have a great party. Ignore your aunt. You’re doing just fine.
Image: Wikimedia Commons
