I usually don’t drink on Monday nights, but this week’s episode of Girls had me breaking out the only thing I had in the house: Sake. It was necessary. Graphic bukkake and punctured eardrums were only a mere taste of what made this episode so down-to-the-pit-of-my-stomach disturbing. But I don’t mean that in a bad way — I loved the episode. After all, I intimately know each and every one of these grotesque characters. I have been them all in one way or another when I was in my 20s. Don’t lie and say you haven’t been one of them either, at least a little bit.
This is why I am infatuated with Girls and am sad there is only one episode left.
I’m looking at this show through the eyes of a 42-year-old woman. And a lot has changed since my 20s, but reflecting back I remember the intense highs and lows, all the feelings and the need to find my “voice” and the “meaning” in just about everything. There’s the of finding the “one”, the acceptance of bad behaviors in friends, lovers and myself, the awkward sex, the power-shifts in friendships and relationships, the knowing everything, the knowing nothing, the million and one spiritual journeys, the hating and needing my parents and the true belief that I was the special-est snowflake in the whole universe.
I also remember it being a great time and experiencing some of the best moments of my life. Late night talks were everything and I was never more daring and open.
So when Hannah is breaking down and puncturing an eardrum from sticking a Q-tip too far into her ear, I’m yelling ‘Stop it’ at her, and at my twenty-something self as well, for wallowing in my alone-ness. For creating unnecessary drama, not taking care of myself in a healthy way and making life harder than need be. I’m yelling at Marnie to “stop it,” and at myself for being such a clueless narcissist so that I make a fool of myself in front of someone that has zero respect for me, but I fuck him anyway. “Stop it” Charlie, for turning out to be such a passive aggressive dick, and myself for thinking I could outsmart that. I yell “stop it” at Shoshanna, and my 25-year-old self for staying in a stale relationship too long, because I felt guilty. I yell at Natalia for crawling on the floor and myself for doing the same when it felt wrong. I yell at Adam for being so terrible to women, yet so vulnerable and myself for trying to change an Adam. I yell at Ray to wake up and get your life together. And finally, at awful Jessa, who reminds me of the story of alligator and the scorpion. The scorpion wants to ride on the alligator’s back to cross the river. After promising the alligator he wouldn’t sting him, the scorpion stings the alligator anyway after he gets his ride. Shocked the alligator asks the scorpion why he stung him after promising he would not. The scorpion replies, ‘Because it’s in my nature.’ I’m yelling at myself for dismissing my bad behaviors toward friends and family because I was just doing what I thought “was in my nature and I was special.”
But on the flip side, I was once all of these people and I’m better for it.
Girls is unapologetically holding a mirror up to many of us. Could this be why it’s so polarizing? After all, who likes to think of themselves as so unlikeable as these characters are? From generation to generation, are we all that different? Was circa-1995 me, different than 2013 me? I tend to think we can all be assholes in one way or another in our 20s or 30s or 40s — just in different ways.
Lena Dunham is just showing us the ways 25-year-olds can be assholes. I like her for it. She doesn’t gosh golly around the subject matter and she certainly isn’t a humble brag. She tells it in a way that isn’t necessary cute or pretty, with her god awful clothes and uncomfortable kisses. But she doesn’t care, because she feels it’s important and that’s what counts, right? And all in all, Lena’s perspective makes me laugh at myself and not take my shit or past mistakes too seriously.
We’ve all been there,all will continue to move on, develop new neurosis and then shake it off all over again. I for one can’t wait until I’m 60 and make fun of my forty-something self.
