Oh, America. It’s come to this. It’s come to the point where we ask if we should even bother putting on real dress pants to go to work in? Why don’t we just wrap a terry cloth towel around our legs covered in Doritos and Yoo-Hoo, tie them with a licorice string, stuff ourselves into our fussy hybrid vehicles and motor ourselves on down to the local industrial park, throw our heads in a muff, and turn our cubicles into a Spider-Man toddler bed and just forget the whole thing! This is what unpants-pants will do for you! Or more to the point, what cotton sweatpants disguised as dress pants are for.
Yes, it’s the end of the world, and the dystopian future is filled with pinstripe nonpants. There’s no need to impress anyone ever with your eclectic and stylish wardrobe in a scintillating color palette. Nope. Just hitch on some hobo leg warmers and be off with you into the dark, desolate place that you call an existence. That’s what these pants say. These are pajama jeans for the semi-upwardly mobile. The jeggings of the moderately attentive, but ultimately still a sign that we as a species would rather roll around in a duvet cover with seams than actually make a conscious effort to ever actually need a belt again.
Betabrand, which we assume is code for, “Snooze Bar Clothing Company” are selling their Pinstripe Dress Pant Sweatpants for a cool $128. We can only imagine they’re so pricey because the slovenly frat bro Costco elves that create them need money to be lured into working, instead of, you know, letting sleep-drool fall onto the Taco Bell-covered weaving loom these things are created with.
So, yeah, America. Make sure you pick up a few pairs. They’re good for filing accounting reports or as a holder for nachos — whatever. Don’t forget your Terry Cloth Blazer/fire retardant looking chest covering, er, or whatever this is they sell too! It comes in color Earl Gray. (Place your Captain Picard face palm photo here.)
