Forget Everything Else! A “Pizza In a Pizza” Is Really the Mayan Apocalypse

pizza_in_apizza

To a New Yorker there is nothing as sacred as the perfect “slice.” Even if you just arrived in the city an hour ago, you are practically weaned on the perfect balance of cheese, sauce, and crust. And we don’t need no fancy toppings to make it the best thing in the world. Whether you’re at one of the innumerable Ray’s Pizzas, or some joint you came across during a random jaunt, since it’s pizza in NYC, how can it go wrong? Making it too fussy is sacrilege. Simple is always best, so what may be hard to stomach is how the rest of the world sees pizza. Behold Pizza Hut Singapore’s “Pizza In a Pizza” brought to you today by Buzzfeed.

This makes us want to die.

It’s not so much a pizza as it is a meat hubcap with porcine gristle chunks nestled lovingly in a dough of despair. It is the ring of assholes you never asked for, but is proud to showcase to you in a way that dares you call it an abomination. And from the sides, something called 3 Flavor Cheese, which seems like an escape hatch from the gastronomical death it would face internally, oozes out like the worst extruding cheese from a spray-can you could ever imagine.

This defies the questions of why, and instead seeks to challenge the measure of your thoughts regarding food placed inside of food. Burritos? Fine. Hot Pockets? For some people, perhaps. But a pizza with an unnamed twin growing inside? We’d like to think something would save us from that — religion, Scientology, a meteor from outer space — something.

It’s at once so many things, a deli smorgasbord luncheon meat spread, a defiant cheese prolapse, and a vegetable assault cacophony WITH A CHERRY ON TOP! DID YOU MISS THE CHERRY?! IT’S THERE! RIGHT ON TOP! A CHERRY. ON TOP OF PIZZA!! And don’t forget the salsa. Why the hell not salsa?! Salsa should be forced to marry alfredo sauce and procreate to make a turkey ham nightmare that has cheese that bursts forth from it like your worst acne filled day of eighth grade. Mmm-hmmm. Yum-O. Where are the sweet gherkins and the Slim Jims? The jelly doughnuts and the yuletide pork roll?

It’s missing something. Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa Cake! Zoom! We’ve reached maximum override, and circled right back to reality.

kwanzaa_cake

Head. Wall. Oh, ho! We thought this was the worst thing we’d seen ever. EVER!

We were so, so wrong. Pizza Hut Singapore we salute you.

Here, look at the inside:

pizza_in_a_pizza2

Two unique crusts, one stuffed with cheesy sausage and another 3-flavor cheese. Topped with succulent smoked chicken and turkey ham on two tantalizing sauces — Pepper Alfredo and Salsa.

America, don’t get all cocky, is what I’m saying. We’ve seen what you eat. This could be on a take-out menu in a nanosecond. Or Sandra Lee is creating it sponsored by the makers of Chef Boyardee as we speak!!!!

Happy Holidays! GAH!

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *