The Hollywood Caller: For Conan There Can Only Be One

Conan to mumble through another movie starring the king of Conan movie mumbling; ABC to keep making you talk about elections; TNT gets another fast-talking lady; with the revitalization of surfing movies we’ll be hanging ten for forever; Tyler Perry will make more movies. Sigh.

Oh, boy. You failed to impress Jason Momoa. Universal has decided to act as though the rebooted Conan movie didn’t exist, and instead will continue the franchise with Arnold Schwarzenegger, failed governor, love child haver, and all around crappy person. But hey, we’ll watch him be Conan again. The studio is shooting for a 2014 release date for The Legend of Conan, which should totally not have Schwarzenegger appear anywhere near a loincloth. We’ll need much, much clothing on old Arnie. Perhaps some sort of never-to-be-detached pants-turtleneck, yes? Anyway, we’re sure he’s anxious to pick up a sword again, grunt at the screen, and make us forget the last thirty years existed. The movie has yet to find a director or writer, but we’ll say DON’T HIRE BACK THE GUYS WHO DID THAT THING TO ROSE MCGOWAN! That shite was a landslide of insanity. [Vulture]

ABC, network full of fighting ladies and haunted apartments, will develop a new political drama called Spin City West Wing Hall of Presidents! Okay, no. It will be called City Hall, because what we need right now is another insidery politico dramajazzmataz. And really, since Keith Olbermann is no longer around to entertain, why not just go for it with a show that’s being billed as St Elmo’s Fire meets The West Wing. Oh, Good Grief. Does this mean it will be all sexay and punditay? Yes, yes, this is exactly what this means. It’ll be full of hot twenty- and thirtysomethings who want to take on politics in the bedroom with mussed hair and wrinkled white business shirts with sensual smiles while making laws and sweet, sweet love. And then Rick Perry walks in and everyone gets out the whiteboard and draws a map of North Korea. There’s always that. [Deadline]

In the vein of Rizzoli and Isles, and Franklin and Bash, TNT, place of two word show titles will bring you, King And Maxwell co-starring Rebecca Romijn and Jon Tenney in a Moonlighting-type private investigator show. Oh, remember the 1980’s and private investigator shows starring cool guys and no-nonsense chicks? Those were the days, right? So now TNT wants to find that again with Rebecca Romijn best known for playing a blue shape-shifter and having Stamos attached to her last name, and some other guy. Fantastic. Prepare for all sorts of snarky zingers with burning hot chemistry. Maybe there’ll even be a few shoulder pads thrown in just for old time’s sake. No, no, we don’t like this. Let’s keep the bottom barrel TV actors away from our beloved 1980’s tropes please. We kind of want to remember Moonlighting for what it was, balding lead actor and all, and not have to think about whether or not Romijn has gotten better the less she’s been on television. [Deadline]

Vulture asked a question we were also wondering when we saw the promo for Chasing Mavericks, that new surfing movie. “Why Does Hollywood Think America Likes Surfing?” And this is a great question. You can find a pretty substantial list of surfing movies from the B-list variety, North Shore (Nia Peeples!), to bigger budget thrillers, Point Break, to chick surfer movies, Blue Crush, and one thing remains — these films keep getting made. Is it the allure of mastering a skill that is unlike roller skating or Gangnam Styling, but is ripe for saying the word “Haole” meaning, “Hey, you nonnative!” Or maybe it’s about finding a way to achieve paradise all on a surfboard and literally “Hanging Ten.” Whatever it is we’ll never fully be devoid of surfer movies. They just crop up in different ways through the generations. Just when you forget that there are people who actually get on a surfboard and use balance and skill to stay afloat during all kinds of waves and “half pipes” another movie comes along to remind you that your life spent surfing shoppers at the mall, or being jostled during your commute is nothing like catching a great wave, right, Moondoggie? Right. (If you don’t get the Moondoggie reference get thee to Wikipedia, and watch more old-timey TV and movies mmm-kay?)[Vulture]

Oh, Dear God. Having one of the worst movies of the entire year won’t stop Tyler Perry from trying to get a sequel going to that Alex Cross heinous debacle he’s currently starring in. He’s in negotiations to get Double Cross made. Is author James Patterson even being consulted anymore?! We know Perry likes to get his way seeing how he made the studio dump Idris Elba so he could star in this shit-sized franchise launch. We’re really hoping Elba called Perry and left a long raspberry on his voicemail. But will a studio really listen to this guy who has yet to make a really significant and respected movie? Movie dollars say yes. Perhaps we’ll find out Alex Cross has a twin sister named Alexis Cross wherein Perry will star in a double role as the sister too therefore making the sequel Double Cross or Double Poppin Fresh Dough Granny Suits, or Double Trouble McDouble Burgers, or whatever. Stop doing this to us Hollywood. [RT]

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *