So Time magazine, which is becoming some sort of pre-debate wrench-thrower, (you’ll remember those awesome pics of Paul Ryan’s workout regimen released last week) has leaked the pre-debate agreement between Mitt Romney and President Obama.
Let’s just say, it’s not so surprising, but it does make what you thought was going to be a very boss after school fight, now have stupid rules, and that’s kind of lame. No hitting if he’s wearing glasses! Don’t rip that shirt his mom made! Don’t drop anybody’s books in puddles! See?
1) There are things included like no reaction shots, as in TV cut-aways to any candidate who is not responding to a question while another candidate is answering a question. Oh, sheesh. So you mean we can’t see that stupid simpering face Romney doles out whenever he’s not speaking that makes him look like a huge goober?
2) A strictly regulated town hall debate means no surprise questions or follow-ups asked by the audience, and if they do attempt to ask a follow-up, or somehow deviate from the question submitted, their mic could be turned off.
3) “The candidates shall not address each other with proposed pledges.” We assume this means you can’t make campaign promises during the debates? “No new taxes!” Or maybe it means you can’t pledge a certain sum of money in some sort of $10,000 wagering. Haha. It probably means neither of these things. Either way, Mitt Romney put your Cayman Island International Hidey-Hole Money Clip away.
4) No leaving the designated areas. Haha, so that thing Gore did when he made himself look like a jackass in front of Dubya Bush, of all people, when he got in his space (facepalm) can’t happen? Good.
5) No accessories. Neither candidate can bring items on stage, you know like that handkerchief Romney had all his zingers written on last time? Yeah, stuff like that is out.
6) No direct questions. Obama and Romney aren’t allowed to ask each other things like, “So Mitt? Where the ever living fuck are your tax returns?” Shit.
Damn. This all feels a bit like finding out there’s no Debate Santa Claus. It’s all an orchestrated sham! No, not really. (Yes, probably.) This just makes it more fun to see who breaks one of the cardinal rules first. The whole point to debate jackassery is ignoring shit, going off script, and doing whatever the hell you want. Mitt Romney has this tattooed in his left armpit. We’ll see who breaks form first.
Here’s the whole thing if you care not to be surprised. If not, put some debate cookies on the nightstand and hope Debate Santa Claus delivers some excitement in the form of a sulphuric stink bomb of a Mitt Romney gaffe.