Craigslost: It Wasn’t Even a Big Dick

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy, but here’s my bath salts-fueled midget gang bang in the Taco Bell parking lot, so call me maybe.

This week Slim and I found so many insane Craigslist ads that we couldn’t help but ponder what the world would be like if it operated on the social norms of Casual Encounters, Strictly Platonic and other insane CL.com forums. Every single worker in the economy would make a living posing for “erotic art photoz” and the housing market would be based on skeevy dudes offering rooms to vulnerable single ladies “who just need a little help.” Shiver. It’d basically be like “Children of Men,” but with more ball gags.

OK, now that our dystopian vision has brought the frisson, let’s get to the fuckery.

Warning: Craigslost is NSFW.

I need a seafood lover – 24 (85N)

hi I’m looking for a friend that enjoys seafood just like me, im from the Bayou so I eat it all…….. Do you love crawfish well thats a plus… send me an email to yahoo with your name age and a picture and I will reply put SEAFOOD as the Subject
kimberleyharris11

 

• Location: 85N
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3341495550

Slim: Oh those Ragin’ Cajuns. Don’t worry, honey. With all the fish in the sea, I’m sure at least one will want to anchor in your port.

Bots: OK, this absolutely has to be an ad for a prostitute. After all, nothing gets me in the mood like cracking open a handful of mud bugs crawdads and sucking the swamp juice out of the tail.

GAY ASSISTANT NEEDED – m4m (Duluth)

I am in need of an assistant, I am a general contractor, my present assistant is moving back to Tennessee, some knowledge of general home repair is great, but not necessary, Tools are not required as I have all needed. I would prefer that you live in the Duluth area. This is a part time job to start. Contact me with your info and a little about yourself. Thanks

• Location: Duluth
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3308340425

Bots: “Some knowledge of general home repair is great.” Lulz. I have a feeling this guy’s assistant is going to get nailed more than your cabinetry. This is not going to help his rating on Angie’s List.

Slim: After all, he’s got all the tools you need.

CHICK WITH BOOT ON HER CAR BOUT FIVE YRS AGO (GREYHOUND)

so I go to greyhound in ATL to drop off a family member ”bout five yrs ago” and when I come out of the building I was booted. well I look over and some chick with her kids was booted and shes crying her eyes out cus shes in da hood and all freakin out. so like a dumbass I felt bad cus she had her kids in the car so I paid the $50 for them to remove the boot. well Im still checkin the mail & ummm . . . . . WHERE’S MY FIFTY BUCKS BITCH!!! ? ? ?

• Location: GREYHOUND
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3330971329

Bots: I love how this happened “bout five years ago” and the location is listed as “Greyhound.”

Slim: I appreciate his optimism. Keep hoping, bud! That 50 bucks is gonna show up one day,  I can feel it!

Bots: The generosity of a good samaritan is always a wonderful thing to witness. It truly warms the cockles. NOW WHERE’S MY 50 BUCKS BITCH????????

dad type lkg 4 a son 4 friendship – m4m – 46 (conyers area)

hey guys–i am a single wm, very masculine normal, down to earth. i have only one child, a son who is far away. i do have friends, but i love being a dad to be there for advice, catching a game or movie, to be there whn u need that older male figure. i realize this porbly isnt going to work, but its worth a shot. i am bi, so if thats a problem dont respond, but i am NOT lookin for sex! NOBODY knows about that side of me and i want to keep it that way. just thought its somethin u should know. otherwise, i am VERY normal dad next door. i am a good lookin guy so if i want sex i can get it in other ways, so i wont be askin u for anything in that area. just a genuine dad/son relationship. i would consider letting u move in once i get to know you, if thats what u need. but its certainly not a requirement. if ur a younger guy (18 to 30) and maybe u dont have a dad, or ur not close with ur dad, and u want that type of lasting friendship/relationship with an older guy please send pics age and location. the ONLY reason i ask for pics is because id like to know who i am talking to, and so i know what to expect if we meet. anybody just need a dad to talk to??

 

• Location: conyers area
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3341627444

Bots: This is not about sex! How many times do I have to tell you! My completely psycho and perverted Craigslist ad is not about sex at all! Why won’t you believe me???

Slim: I’m wearing cargo shorts! This isn’t  sexual AT ALL! Okay, sure, my ex moved three states away and I’m not allowed within 100 feet of the local soccer field. BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT SEX.

Bots: I think my favorite part of this is where he says he wants to keep his bisexuality on the down-low — but then wants some teen run-away to come live with him. No one will suspect a thing.

Tattoos trade for Infiniti G-35 – $1 (atlanta)

Im a professional tattoo artist willing to trade tattoos for a manual Infiniti G-35 that is in any condition and has title. It could need a new transmission or engine and I’ll still take it, it doesn’t matter what problems it has just please give me a detailed description of it’s condition so I know what to fix. Im located downtown but also mobile and willing to tattoo the value of the G-35. If it’s broken down and worth $5000 then I’ll do $5000 worth of tattoos, or if its good condition then I’ll do $10,000 worth of tattoos. Call 404-735-4957 if interested

• Location: atlanta
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3336324105

Slim: This is how the next Fast and Furious begins, isn’t it? A young punk tattoos his way to his dream street racing car…

Bots: I would rather be run over by an Infiniti G35 than let that guy tattoo me.

Slim: Shh! You’re ruining the movie!

I need smarter quality ladies in my life (not sexually) – m4w – 20 (morehouse college )

I’m at a point in my development where I dont want or need the distraction of a relationship of a young lady, but still enjoy their company. I’m looking for someone to kick it with, concerts, clubs, parties, see the city, talk, etc. With that being said, I dont want a hood rich chick, yes im black, but that stuff gets old after a while, I dont smoke, and have had one drink (everclear) so I dont get down like that. Im pre-professional and an athlete (between sports to concentrate on grades)
Your looks dont mean much to me, as I genuinely have no alterior motives. I am mobile, and maintain decent funds, however I am not looking to spoil anyone at this stage in life, but I dont mind pay for certain events. Ideally I would like a young lady who is adventurous, intelligent, (prefer in college but not required) not of one perspective, able to consider ideals outside of what they have been taught. I CANNOT DEAL WITH RELIGION FREAKS, IM IN THE SCIENCES, SO IF YOUR;E SMART YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
But other than that, I’m a cool guy and look forward to hearing from you ladies, you can reply or text me VI VII VIII – VI VIII III – I IX II VI

• Location: morehouse college
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3320405920

Any pregnant woman crave ice-cream? – m4w – 20 (Lawrenceville)

I’m white male, 6’0″, about 220lb, with auburn hair and goatee.
I’m looking for any girl who’s pregnant that would like to meet up for some ice-cream.
I’v had this gift card for like a year and I’v had no need to use it on myself, so I been trying to find someone who would like it.
Please put ‘Bruster’s’ in subject so I know your not spam.
I hope to hear from you soon! 🙂

• Location: Lawrenceville
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3341126991

THICK REDBONE LOOKING FOR INTERACIAL FRIENDS/WORKOUT PARTNER – w4w – 23 (EAST ATL)

HELLO IM ON HERE LOOKING FOR INTERACIAL FRIENDS,IM AFRICAN AMERICAN BU LOOKING FOR FRIENDS OF ALL RACE,U MUST BE A COOL DOWN TO EARTH PERSON …DRAMA FREE AND 420 FRIENDLY..IM A INDEPENDENT FEMALE WHO HAS HER OWN EVERYTHING,LOOKING FOR FEMALES THAT LIKES TO HAVE FUN AND TRAVEL AND DO WHAT MOST FEMALES LIKE TO DO..AND IM ALSO LOOKING FRO A WORKOUT PARTNER II TRY TO EXCERCIZE ATLEAST 3 TIMES A WEEK BU SOMETIMES IT GETS BORING DOING IT ALONE…
PLZ B MOBILE IF NOT U MUST STAY ON MY SIDE OF TOWN
ANY RACE AND SIZE WELCOME
NOOOOO MEN!!!
NO PIX NO REPLY
MY PIX ARE REAL

• Location: EAST ATL
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3339471352

PoliceOfficer or SecurityGard with awful GAS regularly?? – m4m – 37 (Atlanta)

Good day fellas,
I am located in the Atlanta area with a unique fetish for MEN that keep GAS on a regular basis. I am handsome & single with an open personality. I am 5’9′ 190 with caramel skin.Every since I was younger, I have always gotten aroused when a man would “break-wind” or have GAS around me. The stronger the smell, the more aroused I got. If you also have an “open” personality, and you are one of those people that have extreme strong smelling GAS on a regular basis definitley reply to this ad. It turns me on when you have to use the restroom and while walking to the bathroom, you are farting all over the place before making it too the toilet. I guess what I am looking for is a guy thats comfortable with being himself around me at home. I would also like to meet someone on a “get to know each other”. I am educated & work M-F & live alone. If you’re out there and you dont mind allowing me to smell your wind and watch you be a naughty slob kinda brother from time to time get at me..If you are tall and thick thats definitley a plus!! REAL EVERYDAY MEN STAND UP.If you are a mechanic, security guard or law enforcement and you wear a uniform to work thats a PLUS!!!
If you are in search of a roommatte please let me know. I have a Luxurious (2) Bedroom (2) Bathroom spot as well. I am open to whatever your financial situation. If you are willing to help me I can help you in return. REPLY to this AD for direct contact information. If you decide to contact me, PLEASE leave a number so that we can swap pictures if interested.

• Location: Atlanta
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3317202212

Sucking one cock does not a Fag make (Joe Tex)

Will someone please explain to me why all the libstains think that just becasue a mans sucks one dick that he is a Fag?The libitards and democunts come on here and give me hell for sucking a mans dick……so I sucked a dick so whatWho hasnt?I still like titties ……..soooooooooo…….think about that…………….it wasnt even a big dick

Romney/Ryan2012

• Location: Joe Tex
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3348989732