Your Conservative Blog Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad

Momof3 posted a link to “a right wing blog that [she’s] not terribly ashamed of.”

I’m always game for opposing viewpoints, but within the first minute of perusing the article titles, I knew that this was a comedy gold mine. Not because it was particularly funny or interesting, but rather that it was the same conservative tripe wrapped in a veneer of disrespectability, which is admittedly something new.

So, because I can’t let stupidity like this go unridiculed, I picked a few articles from the homepage and had at them, FJM-style.

“God Hates Dan Savage”Spencer Dewitt

I typically respect fellow spewers of vitriol. After all, slinging mud is hard work, and heaven knows you acquire enough calluses from washing your hands of your own filth so much.

With that said, there’s one variety of mud slinger I absolutely despise, will not defend, and frankly find more repulsive than the righteous squealing pigs that frequently are the targets of us professional procurers of obloquy. And that is the idealistic mudslinger.

In a turn of events no one should find surprising, I find defending an idealistic mudslinger easier and less morally difficult than defending someone that just craps all over everything because they can. One is doing it because they believe in something, rightly or wrongly. The other is just an ass.

Unlike many other conservatives, I had rather liked Mr. Savage once upon a time. He was funny, he had managed to puncture the Jupiter-esque gas giant that was Rick Santorum’s ego and force the hot air inside to fart itself out, and he was (seemingly) self-aware that he was good for nothing other than witty and gratuitous cruelty. But now he has turned himself into the avatar of something which, while theoretically noble, benefits not at all from his presence and, in fact, suffers from it precisely because he is not fit to advance ideas. I refer to Savage’s cloying, saccharine vanity project, “It Gets Better.”
Ah, there it is. So, when Dan Savage was calling Rick Santorum the frothy combination of lube and fecal matter that results from anal sex, he was great. But, when he finally uses his notoriety to do something something positive to contribute to society, he’s a douchecanoe.
As I have alluded above, in theory, “It Gets Better” should be a moral, if impractical, idea. In a perfect world, the organization’s goal would be to stop bullying. Period. However, the organization bills itself as only caring about the bullying of LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) youth.
Well, considering Dan Savage is gay, and record numbers of LGBT teens are committing suicide because of bullies not unlike yourself, and there already exists plenty of non-sexuality specific anti-bullying resources, as a heterosexual who was once upon a time bullied for being short and nerdy I’m 100% okay with Dan Savage doing something specifically for LGBT teens.

Put together, these two problems alone should discredit the institution. And given the extent to which “It Gets Better” has wrapped itself in the flag of anti-bullying, that is a terrible, terrible failure, because now every other potential anti-bullying group will have to prove it’s not a vanity project designed for vapid pop stars and the self-glorification of the President of the United States (who, by the way, has been making a habit of stealing America’s lunch money like any good bully).

Or, you know, not. I do like how he somehow brought this back on Obama, though. Can’t have right wing “humor” without bashing whatever Democrat happens to fit; Pelosi, Reid, Biden, Obama, Clinton… It’s a long and distinguished list.
Set aside everything that’s wrong with the pathetic pile of platitudes that is “It Gets Better” for a moment and answer one simple question – what on earth is Dan Savage, whose most famous achievement in American public life is turning a politician’s name into a demeaning neologism, doing leading an anti-bullying organization? Leave Santorum alone –  what is a man who uses his anti-bullying platform to demean one of the largest religions on the planet doing leading an anti-bullying organization? No, let’s go even further – what is a man who has wished death on an entire political party doing leading an anti-bullying organization?
Here’s how this works: when a religion has decided that some parts of it’s holy text that discriminate against members of society are still applicable in the modern era, and other parts are not because we now find them abhorrent as a society, you get to call them out on the obvious hypocrisy. When a you’re being actively discriminated against by a major political party that is using you and people like you as a pawn to gin up their base and win elections by denying you your basic human rights, then yes, you get to wish death on that entire political party. They hate you; why shouldn’t you be allowed to hate them back?
Ted Nugent is a threat.
No, I’m not talking about his comments at a recent National Rifle Association meeting that he would be “dead or in jail by this time next year” if Obama is re-elected.

Unless you are a deer (or an Alaskan Black Bear), Ted Nugent is not a threat to anyone’s personal safety. He is a happy warrior – a joyful man, full of the zest for life.

Ted Nugent is a threat to liberal pop culture dominance.

Ted Nugent wasn’t a threat to liberal pop culture dominance when he was actually relevant to pop culture, unless you’re of the belief that “High Enough” set music back about ten years.

Ted Nugent is a threat to the liberal, progressive culture machine because he is their Kryptonite. He defies all the stereotypes and memes that they are constantly putting out into the zeitgeist, painting us as bitter and repressed, clinging to our guns and/or bibles.

You mean like the stereotype of conservative nutjobs threatening the President of the United States with bodily harm via firearm?

And that is why the sharks are now circling Ted Nugent. They see blood in the water over his comments at the NRA meeting and are eager to take maximum advantage. He has recently been investigated and cleared by the secret service. Earlier this week he pleaded guilty in US District Court  to illegally transporting a black bear that he killed in Alaska – but not before calling the whole prosecution a “witch hunt” by federal officials over his activism.

“We the people are turning up the heat,” said Nugent. “And that’s why I’m being singled out by certain fish and game agencies and certain U.S. attorneys.”

“he pleaded guilty in US District Court  to illegally transporting a black bear that he killed in Alaska” and yet he proclaims “I’m being singled out by certain fish and game agencies and certain U.S. attorneys.” because of his political beliefs? I always wonder if there’s a bottom to the seemingly bottomless well of conservative victimhood; if there is, I haven’t even come close to finding it. Someone call James Cameron. He can film Avatar V: The Avataraning down there.

Many of us didn’t realize until after he was gone how truly important Andrew Breitbart was to us and the importance of the role he played in conservative culture. Ted Nugent is another giant who stands up for all of us, who represents us to the world.

You traded one loud, angry, ignorant white guy for another. The only difference is Nugent has better facial hair. Also, if  you’re looking for a towering idol to represent conservatism to the world, might I suggest someone other than TED FUCKING NUGENT?

“Feminazi Legos”Kira Davis

I read an article today about the “gender-equity” struggle and the horror of marketing pink things to girls and trucks to boys. It seems Lego recently bowed to pressure from feminist groups for the release of it’s ‘Friends’ line of Legos. The ‘Friends’ line is Lego’s attempt to reach out more specifically to girls by creating a line of blocks using “girl” colors like pinks and purples and featuring toy girls who do things like water their gardens and feeding their pink-bowed dogs. Feminist activists freaked out saying they were sick of “gender-binary marketing” (huh?) and oppressive, archaic stereotypes being forced onto young girls.

God forbid we try and cut down on marketing that is condescending and insulting to individual groups.

This feminazi crapola is really getting my tampons in a wad. What perhaps started with a fight for equality – such as voting rights and pay grades- has turned into an angry, gender-neutral war led by women generals with butch hair-cuts and hairy legs. They scream at men for daring to think women are beautiful, and fulfilling their natural urges to provide for and lead their families; then they scream at men for being ignorant dolts who can’t make decisions and don’t treat us with “respect”. They want our dudes to be strong enough to stand up for us when others insult or mistreat us (war on women ) but when they do stand up they are being oppressive and flaunting their gender!

Ah yes, because everyone that believes that women shouldn’t be pandered to by overwhelmingly male Madison Avenue advertising executives  is a butch man-hater. Worth noting: women still don’t make as much as men. There is a huge difference between respecting women and treating them so and infantilizing them.

Men and women are not the same. It’s better that way. These feminazis preach diversity and then puke all over it when it comes to gender. There’s power in being a woman; in knowing how we are different from men and using those differences to make good lives for ourselves and our families. The irony is that by insisting we erase all differences between genders they have stripped girls of their natural, biological power and replaced it with snarling, screaming and pant-suits.

I don’t think anyone has ever advocated creating an entirely gender neutral society. Also, pant-suits? Really? Last time I checked, a woman rather famous for wearing pant-suits was as close as a woman has ever been to being President of the United States. 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling and all that. Princess Dumbass of the Northwoods doesn’t count, because she wasn’t even close to winning, and has since ceased to be anything other than a political sideshow.

Girls gravitate to pretty things. Not all, but most. It’s in the DNA.

No it’s not. Show me one single study where a scientists has said “The propensity towards Barbies, dresses, and the color pink is is due to this specific gene.” No, it’s okay, I’ll wait.

I think being a chick is cool with lots of cool accessories to enhance my chickdom- pumps, Prada, make-up, dresses, guys holding doors open and letting you go in front of them in line…it’s all so cool! Quit trying to ruin it for us!

And ohmygod, babies and motherhood and being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? SO FETCH.

“10 Reasons Scotch is better than Obama” Kira Davis

You get the inaugural buzz without the four year hangover

What does that make the George W Bush Administration? Fear and Loathing in Washington DC?

It will keep you warm once the coal power plant in your region goes offline
No it wont. It’ll make you feel warm, while you’re actually freezing to death. That’s hypothermia. And a really good analogy for conservative media.
It’s not smoothly pretentious, it’s just smooth.
The first draft of this had “uppity” instead of “smoothly pretentious.”
It organizes communities in a good way…party!
What the fuck kind of block parties are you attending where there’s scotch? “Oh fuck, here comes Kira, she brought fucking scotch again.” “God dammit, every time I tell her “please, bring wine or beer” because Johnny Walker Red is cheap shit and no one drinks it but her.”
Johnny Walker Red is a blend, not a new government czar
This doesn’t even make sense.
It will help numb the pain while you’re on the Obamcare waiting list to be treated
Or help you black out and forget that there’s no such thing as a conservative health care plan.
The longer you have it the better it gets.
The opposite can be said of most conservative policy initiatives.
It doesn’t give speeches, it only slurs them.
If you’re relieved your alcohol of choice is not literally speaking to you, you may have a problem. Not with alcohol; with inanimate objects talking to you.
Islamofacist dictators revile it
So do Mormons.
It doesn’t need a teleprompter. Scotch speaks for itself.
Well then. That explains everything.

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