Oh, good gracious, Bloomberg, shut up. Haha! Michael Bloomberg believes he’s everyone’s dad in small man shoes. Yes, seriously, rich beyond all comprehension and destined to make everyone sign a waiver that says, “Not Approved By Michael Bloomberg Billionaire Mayor and Lover of Salt Bagels” in order to eat or drink whatever they damn well please! Bloomberg wants to run little, mini agog-camps where he yells at the world for drinking a 32 oz drink, but you can still get a “triple-stack” bacon cheeseburger from Wendy’s.

UPDATE: Jon Stewart and The Daily Show weigh in!

So, yes, people are angry with Bloomie for demanding they put down their huge-tubbo-drank, and maybe they should be. Oh, no, we’re not saying that imbibing nothing but empty calories and sugars are good for the nation, but you know, as adults we should get to decide what we eat and drink. OR! If you’re going to start trying to regulate what American citizens can do, because well, this whole living in America thing is just really about who can encroach upon our freedoms more in the most subtle way anyway, let’s go full hog and outlaw all insanely horrible foods that you can buy from any one of the main fast food giants. Why the hell are we stopping at big ass sodas? You mean if someone were to eat six Big Macs with two bottles of water they’re lessening their chance for obesity and heart disease? Big Macs have 576 calories per serving. What about ordering the PB&C Shake from Cold Stone Creamery? It’s 2,010 calories! All’s good as long as it’s not a 32 oz Coca-Cola, eh Bloomberg?

The ban wouldn’t affect convenience stores or grocery stores and wouldn’t apply to diet drinks, fruit juices, dairy-based drinks like milkshakes or alcoholic beverages.

Sigh.

What then is the whole point of this?

Bloomberg is lord, king, and savior of all NYC fatties, that’s the whole point of this.

The whole problem with singling out one disastrous food choice in a society that’s full of other even more disastrous food choices is that unless you plan on babysitting the entire public and somehow implanting us all with microchips that somehow elicit pain upon purchasing all the bad stuff, there’s no way you’ll be able to police everything and everyone. It’s a system wide problem that has just as much to do with commerce in this country as it does health. You don’t see Bloomberg fighting the upwards of 291 Starbucks locations in the city, and that place sells milkshakes disguised as coffee drinks, and in some locations will add beer and wine to their menus. (Thanks for the link Bloomberg News!)

And studies aren’t so conclusive that Bloomberg is right. Time.com says:

Studies are mixed on whether drastic public-health measures like Bloomberg’s can actually change behavior. Some show that people consume less in restaurants where calorie counts are available, for example, than where they aren’t, while others show that people actually tend to consume more when provided with such information. And low-income populations, which tend to have higher rates of obesity and health problems to start with, appear to be the least affected by such changes.

So, really, Bloomberg, just shut up with your fist-shaking, beverage angst, unless you’re prepared to influence some real health-based changes. You’re certainly willing to take something away, eh? What are you willing to give in its place? Maybe you could do some business wheeling and dealing that would lead the charge for better menu options in place of the sodas, or maybe you could launch an arm of your foundation that brings fresh produce to areas in the city that need it most?

Nah. Maybe it’s all just about the $200 fine that would be incurred for failing to downsize one Big Gulp at a time.

UPDATE: HA! Here are the results of our conference call with Mr. Stewart:

AND…