Shahs of Sunset: What Happened in Vegas Should have Stayed in Vegas

This week in Shahs, GiGi Allin shits on everyone, mom and I administer the Hare Test to GiGi in absentia, Asa wears a turban (a Turban!), everyone works in real estate, and we place bets on who actually knows what champagne is which.

Crème fraîche, after the jump…

Mom:  So, you had a fun weekend, didn’t you?

Me:      Yes.  Yes I did.

Mom:  Well, I won’t bring anything incriminating up, but-

Me:      We’re not doing this today, okay?  My kids were with the in-laws. I was one block from my apartment. Yeah, Ghostland’s light show was really, really amazing. But, drop it.

Mom:  Too bad Reza wouldn’t just drop GiGi’s poor behavior in Vegas.

Me:      Hey, I’d bring it up too, she’s a total spoiled brat.

Mom:  He and MJ were antagonizing Anita and GiGi, and antagonizing a sociopath does nothing.

Me:      Do you really think she’s a sociopath? I totally think she has NPD, but I don’t know…

Mom:  Oh, Reza has NPD, but GiGi’s violent streak makes me thinks she’s a little farther down that road. Well, there’s one way to know.

Me:     But I’m not a licensed Clinical Psychologist, and she’s not a patient in my care-

Mom:  Oh, come on, if Jon Ronson can have a little fun with diagnosis, we can too.

Me:      Okay, as long as we’re just rating the “character” of GiGi. She could be totally different in real life when a camera isn’t on her commanded by Seacrest’s production team.

Mom:  Fine. One could say that being on a reality show denotes a certain level of mental illness anyway, but whatever. Okay we need to rate these from 0-2. Zero being that the individual doesn’t express it at all, 1 somewhat, 2 absolutely

1)  Glibness, superficial charm

Me:      I don’t know, she’s pretty, but I wouldn’t call her charming.

Mom:  Somehow she’s suckered these idiots into being her friend for how many years, and suckered her father into paying for her, right?

Me:      Okay, fine, I’ll give her a 1.

2)  Grandiose sense of self-worth

Me and Mom:  2!

3)  Need for stimulation, proneness to boredom.

Me:     Well, we haven’t learned much about her personal likes other than shooting at the range and shopping, so that’s really speculative…

Mom:  I give her a 1, until we know more. We’ll have to re-asses at the end of the season.

4) Pathological Lying:

Mom:  This is another speculative. I give her a zero until we know more. Like how her relationship is with her parents. Any lying that I have seen has been self-deception- she doesn’t realize that she was wrong and that the argument was all her fault for being a selfish, spoiled, backstabbing, shit-talking bitch. Her sense of victimization is really mind-blowing. It hints at BPD. Because she is not twisting the truth on purpose, because it is a problem of perception, it’s not technically lying.

5)  Conning/manipulative:

Me:     Oh, absolutely.

Mom:  I don’t know, this is another one that could be shaky. We haven’t seen her try to sweeten someone up, other than Reza, and the way that she intentionally draws attention by being late, and throwing a fit. That could all be for the cameras (more NPD than anything). Give her a 1.

6) Lack of remorse or guilt:

Me and Mom: 2!

Me:     Did you see how her non-apology totally turned it back on Anita???

Mom: Disgusting.

7) Shallow affect:

Mom:  0.  She’s at the behest of producers. I don’t think she really loves her friends, but we just don’t know enough outside of the show, or how she really is with people. Speculative.

8 ) Callous/lack of empathy:

Me:    1.  This goes back to number 6 and her ability to turn blame on others. I don’t think she gives a shit about other’s feelings, but I’m tempering my answer.

9)  Parasitic lifestyle:

Mom and I: 2!

10)  Poor Behavioral Controls:

Me:  She said she spent her whole adulthood in therapy and she’s still at the whim of her violent flare ups. She either hasn’t gotten anything out of therapy other than being able to talk to some poor schmuck about herself for an hour a week…

Mom: A narcissist paying for a therapist is like a man purchasing a prostitute. Let’s give her a 1.

11)  Promiscuous sexual behavior:

Me:    Well, we’ve only seen one so far (Fancy Feast), so, not enough to judge. Can I give her a point just for poor taste?

Mom: Absolutely.

12)  Early Behavior Problems:

Mom:  She said she had problems with fighting and violent outbursts as a kid. +1

13)  Lack of realistic long term goals

Me:     Like living off her father until she marries into her thirties? +1

14)  Impulsivity:

Mom:  She’s a compulsive shopper. She takes off back to LA at the drop of a hat after being offended. +1

15) Irresponsibility:

Me:      See number 13. +2

16)  Failure to Take Responsibility for her own actions:

Mom:  See number 6. +2

17-19)  Not Applicable. Automatic 0

20)  Criminal Versatility:

Me:    What do you want to bet she’s a klepto? When I worked in retail, it was the rich girls who got whatever they wanted who were the worst about jacking clothes from the store.

Mom: You should to a background check. You’re a journalist. You pay for that open records service.

Me:      Not this week.  Let’s give her a 0 for now. Total: 21. Make of that what you will, but I’m not exactly shocked. Let’s move on to everyone else…

Jesus Asa, I know you’re going home on a private plane, but a turban?

Mom:  I would talk about GiGi and MJ’s lunch back in LA, but I’m really sick of that girl already. She’s not amusing, she’s not sassy. She’s nothing, and I’m done with her. What do you think the odds in the Champagne contest are?

Me:     As a former professional bartender, not good. Not good at all. I used to work at a very chichi bar downtown that catered to the wealthy Juárez business class-

Mom: You mean narcos, right?

Me:     Well, whatever they were, they couldn’t tell Moët White Star from Crystal.

Mom: How do you know?

Me:     Because the bar manager refilled Crystal and Dom bottles with Moët.

Mom: At a $400 profit. Not bad.

Me:     Well, if they hadn’t have been comped, it would have been a $400 profit. Anyway, my odds:

Martini and Rossi to Moët: 4/1

Moët and Crystal: 2/1

Moët to Veuve Clicquot Orange Label: 2/1

In fact I say 2/1 that they can’t tell the difference between any of the high-end bottles.

Mom:  Nothing screams new money more than a $40 million house with a Farrari fountain in the garden. They’re just setting poor Sammy up for failure aren’t they. My heart hurts for him.

Me:     That’s one pretty bitch in Sultani’s bed. How did I know he kept a pit bull for a pet? Why don’t they just soundproof the club? Lord knows there’s enough out of work engineers coming out of Full Sail to a shit market in LA as interns. It would give them something to do. But yeah, a night club below “high-end” loft spaces is a bad idea.

Mom: So is stained concrete on a club dance floor. It just screams drunk injuries/ lawsuits.

Me:     Diamond water? I’m really impressed, Asa. You managed to make even your most spiritual endeavors an exercise in materialism.

Mom: “Aries-Fire-Dragon-intergalactic-Persian Princess?” What on God’s earth does that mean?

Me:     It means she took a hit of acid once in high school and listened to an episode of Hearts of Space, and took a couple of yoga lessons, and now she’s all spiritual and shit.

Mom: Oh, the music…what do the Germans call that feeling? The Germans have such good words for situations like this.

Me:     Whatever Mr. Engineer. Go ahead, use that WAVs bundle. She needs all the plug-ins and filters and delay she can get.  Melodyne that shit.

Mom:  You need to be a hard-sell in real estate. Reza’s good.

Me:      Yeah, MJ wasn’t doing herself any favors by wobbling around the garden path-stones in those heels.

Mom:  Sultani’s mother, Soroor seems like a lovely lady. She reminds me of my cousin, Sylvia. Listen to your mother; you should settle down. Marry who you want, though. You want a Latina girl, let them deal with it. You should have heard the shit I caught when I married your father.

Me:     Oh, I know. But at least she kept her original nose.  What a nice change of pace. No Sammy! Don’t rush the construction project! Don’t you see the look of WTF on the foreman’s face??? FORSHADOWING! BAD IDEA!

Mom:  The nice ones are never the smartest, hokis. Let it go. Just let the fremdschämen wash over you.

Me:      Pobrecito.

Mom:  No, he’s not a poor little anything. He’s a dumbass. Who made a terrible decision. One could say a series of terrible decisions and that’s why he’s on this show, being used as a punchline.

Me:      Crème fraîche! Champagne party! Oh, look, Asa looks good for once.

Mom:  You were right. Only one got four out of five correct.

Me:      Sultani. And only because he worked in Vegas at clubs for as long as he did. But they did it all wrong. You can’t do that at a tasting- eat heavy cheeses and drink before you taste.  Your palate will be fucked up. And then they get drunk, too before tasting? There’s no control!

Mom:  This doesn’t seem like the kind of crowd that did very well at science fair, buberig.

Me:      Oh, my God, did Reza have several bottles of Yellow Tail Merlot on his kitchen counter? That says so much.

Mom:  So, MJ’s hair is like a drunk barometer, right?

Me:      Oh, GiGi…

 

Next Week:  the consequences of Sammy’s folly. In the meantime give your favorite reality character a run through the PCL-R! Happy belated, Bots!

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