Shahs of Sunset: Sultani of Vegas

In another exploration of Multiple Personality Disorder, Mom and I bravely watch another episode of Ryan Seacrest’s Proustian tome for the ages, Shahs of Sunset.

This episode, Reza takes his “friends” to Vegas to revel in a veritable Xerxinalia while guided along by “King of Vegas” Mike “Sultani” Shouhed. Join us then as we revel in the animal prints, marble, forced conflict, and drunk confessionals!

Purple drapes! After the jump.

Mom:  Well, at least you’re not hung over today. But, my god, what did you do to yourself?

Me:      I ran a 5K with Ari’s Girl Scout troop.

Mom:  Your shins feel like shaved shawerma. Where’s the Icy/Hot?

Me:      Mom, I don’t need Icy/Hot.

Mom:  What, you want to sit there in pain or are you going to listen to me?

Me:      Jesus Christ, fine. I’ll get the Icy/Hot.

Mom:  “The Spanish Kitchen” Authentic Mexican Food? In what century? That was the sound of 10,000 Aztecs turning over in their graves.

Me:     Oh, let’s not even talk about California-style Mexican Food.

Mom:  Oh, Mike was in Vegas for too long and doesn’t like “the classy subtle look”! Coming from GiGi? Bwahaha. Say that again while you wear another chiffon kaftan with rhinestone beading.

Me:      We haven’t given her a derogatory pet name yet. I’m thinking GiGi Allin [seriously NSFW].

Mom:  I don’t get it. Why GiGi Allin?

Me:      [mouth agape] Um…how do I explain G.G. Allin…

Mom:  You know, I have access to your memories, you can’t- OH MY GOD!!! THE FILTH!!! YE SHOONSHUNVORTIG, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING??? But somehow, it’s very fitting. Okay, I’ll go with that.

Me:      Well, MJ, Persian Jews aren’t the only ones who are inbred…

Mom:  Remember when I threatened to marry you off to your second cousin?

Me:      I’d rather not.

Mom:  Again the bitching about Asa’s clothes? She really doesn’t look any less ridiculous than the rest of them. The lack of self-reflection is mind boggling.

Me:     What did you expect?

Mom: Maybe, Reza, you wouldn’t feel so estranged from your father if you bothered to call or visit him every once in a while, ye peseveng. Ingrates.

Me:     Well, I think his dad disapproves of his orientation…

Mom:  Who cares what his father thinks. That’s what his mother is for- to shut his father up, make some kebabs and slather him with adoration.

Me:       Oh, really? Where was that ad-

Mom:   Oh, hush, hokis- they’re planning outfits…

Me:       Who has worse taste, do you think? GiGi or MJ?

Mom:   Oh, God, they’re both terrible, but at least GiGi fits in her clothes… So, I want to know how Asa affords that house…

Me:      It must be all those royalties on her “epic Persian summer jams”.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Mom:  A limo with a stripper pole to go to LAX? I know traffic is bad, but even in the worst traffic it takes 45 minutes if you take Hollywood Blvd. to the 101.

Me:      I don’t know, that all depends on the time of day… but the stripper pole was pushing it…

Mom:  When are we going to Vegas. You haven’t been once since you married that boy, and I need to find my favorite blackjack table at the Mirage.

Me:      I’m not much of a gambler, and Justin doesn’t like Vegas.

Mom:  Who gives a shit what he likes.  You go meet your cousins in Vegas and have a good time with them… I know what you’re thinking [shakes head]… Oh, God, Reza- Gucci? That’s what you consider high end?  If you really wanted to waste your money on branding, Hermes is far more tasteful.

Me:      Okay, here’s the first time I’ve felt jealous- the private jet… How nice is that?

Mom:  Thank God I’m not alive to have to deal with that new TSA bullshit… Well, your husband is getting his license, right?

Me:      I cannot wait. I don’t care if I do die in a giant fireball over the Rockies, flying by Cessna to a private airport? No wait? Gas for the plane cheaper than tickets? So excited.

Mom:  Well, the hotel is lovely. Look at that. I remember staying at the Sands for my honeymoon in 1970. What a difference, right?

Me:      That was the year Grandma got kicked out of the casino, right?

Mom:  Don’t remind me.

Me:      So when did MJ start drinking?

Mom:  The better question- when did she ever stop. God, what a mess. Bra showing in the back? Look at that rat’s nest. GiGi is a passive aggressive bitch for letting her step out of the betkaran looking like that.

Me:      I love that the editor just had to cut to a shot of her sloppily eating a slider. Eww… No, Reza, the Production team picked the throne out for you.

[scene shifts from restaurant at Aria to the dance club]

Me:     Sure, Sultani, GiGi’s booty call is your boy. I feel bad for MJ. What, none of the AP’s could find you a bump?

Mom:  That’s the last thing she needs. Good Lord, GiGi’s paramour looks like a golem crafted from three day old cat food. If that’s what you fancy, Reza…

Me:      *snork* Thanks for setting that one up. I’m gonna call him Fancy Feast for the rest of the episode.

Mom:   Anita seems like a nice girl. What is she doing hanging out with these bitches?

[at the hotel spa, having their feet massaged]

Me:      Authentic? They do realize they’re on a reality show right?

Mom:  How much jewelry must you wear to a pedicure Asa?

Mom & Me: $800 BATHING SUIT? THAT YOU CAN’T GET WET???

Mom:   I take that back about Anita. Herve Leger and his band dresses can go screw themselves.

Me:      I like the bathing suit. It’s a lot more tasteful than that beaded belly-dancer bra that GiGi has on.

Mom:  Oh, God,  MJ is drunk in the confessional…poor thing. Ha! She just hiccuped. I think I know where her character arc is going.

Me:      Straight to rehab? I can’t believe the last five minutes of this episode was dedicated to a fight about who’s wearing last season’s dress… what is wrong with these people?

Mom:  You know, I think it’s that they got out of Iran with all of their money. Had they or their parents had to spent any time broke in a refugee camp like my family did, they’d have appreciation for material wealth, and would have some sense of frugality and dignity.

Me:     Yeah, it doesn’t help that we don’t know where their family’s wealth in Iran came from. Oil barons? They could have been working for the SAVAK for all we know.

Mom:  Absolutely. Life can’t be well rounded without an acknowledgement of pain and struggle’s place in formulating character.

Me:     Oh, God, have you been hanging out with Kierkegaard?

Mom:  What, you know how much I love those Danes.

 

Next week:  GiGi Allin bails from the ball. Sultani opens a new club. And Reza ingratiates himself to the producers by talking shit about everyone else in the confessional.

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