There are just some paths that will lead to your demise, and in Westeros finding the wrong path isn’t too difficult.
We begin last night’s episode, “The Prince of Winterfell” with Theon Greyjoy, the idiot, lunkhead, whose every move is a detestable waste of brain power generated by the fart of a gnat. He’s killed all the ravens in hopes that his dastardly deeds in killing the two Stark boys will be kept from Robb. So what the hell was the point, Greyjoy? Were you trying to quell any uprising amongst the people? You’ve already killed the man-at-arms. So who’s left to really try and defeat you, a few farmers and their wives? In most of our minds, we would assume, killing two helpless children just makes you an evil bastard afraid of two little kids. It doesn’t make you a badass. Sigh.
Well, no one makes that point better than his sister Yara who rides into Winterfell — not with 500 men to help Theon overtake Winterfell completely — but with about fifteen dudes just looking for a hot meal. Theon is incredulous. This was supposed to be his shining moment. Yara was supposed to be supremely impressed by his prowess, and laud him a great success for taking over a castle full of children and old men. She says acidly, “Father wants a word.” She then tells him exactly how much of an idiot he is for killing the Stark children whom were worth more alive than dead. And even she knows Robb Stark will flay him alive for the injustice. Once she realizes her common sense is falling on deaf, broodish, dickish ears, she tries to appeal to the little boy she once remembered fondly, and says, “Hey, dumbass, this is a stupid thing you’re doing. Come back with me or die here like a fool doing a fool thing.” Theon juts his chin out in defiance and we can imagine his answer.
Further up north, Jon Snow and the tundra Jawas have a little meeting led by Wildling tease, Ygritte. They’re met by the Wildling’s commander, Lord of Bones, because Sultan of Sinew was already taken. Mr. Bones wants to kill Snow outright because he’s a black crow and black crows get into your trash and strip power lines in residential neighborhoods when not out killing Wildlings. Ygritte throws out Snow’s connection to civilization as the “bastard of Ned Stark” and suggests there could be some use to having a higher born rube in their midst with a valerian Valyrian steel sword. His life is spared momentarily as he’ll be taken before King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder, for his final say. With a name like Mance Rayder we expect him to be a quite angry dude. It’s not like his name was Lance Spader brother to James Spader, erstwhile guest starrer on The Office, and forever assholish preppy, Steff from Pretty in Pink. That would’ve made him a douche, but a jovial douche at least.
While all this is being sorted, Jon is shackled with another captured black crow, Qhorin Halfhand. He learns that all the others in their original search party have been killed by the Wildlings who now serve as their capturers. Jon figures this out quickly and feels shame that they were looking for him after he didn’t kill Ygritte like he was supposed to. And that sucks for Jon. Not only didn’t he get any nookie, he’s now responsible for a bunch of dead guys. Halfhand doesn’t have time for all that sentiment, not when he can position Jon as a spy. He pretends to turn on him in hopes of endearing him to the Wildlings. Not sure if anyone else is buying this turn of events, but Ygritte at least seems intrigued. No indication Mr. Boneface will appreciate it, but for now, one crow (Halfhand) kicking another (Snow) off a ravine is probably a source of entertainment. We just hope he doesn’t give Halfhand a sword next time to finish the job.
While Jon is making dents in the snow with his ass, Robb Stark is strolling through Central Park with Meg Ryan. You see, he and the foreign born medic are expanding their “meet cute.” We have so much time right now in the story for Robb Billy Crystal and Talisa Meg Ryan to discuss their love of pecan pie, leadership, and the weight of the crown. “Let’s go to Katz’s diner! We’ll order the Pastrami and witness Rob Reiner’s mother ask for an earth-shattering sexytime moment!” Yep, all until one of Robb’s guard comes riding along to tell the flirting couple that The Kingslayer has escaped.
Robb gets back to camp where we imagine no one asks him how his date was, and learns that his mother set Jaime free. Oh, Catelyn, what have you done? Not only did the men want him dead, and Robb need him for a bargaining chip, but you overruled them all thinking letting him go would sure up freedom for Sansa and Arya? “Jaime Lannister has played you for a fool, you’ve weakened our position, you’ve brought discord into our camp,” Robb says. And he’s right. Catelyn, you made Robb appear weak. Well, he was kind of already doing that by being absent and off at The Sharper Image with Talisa Meg Ryan, but still, Catelyn had no right in undermining the King of the North. As penance, Robb orders Catelyn kept under guard. He also sends out men to track Jaime down.
However, Jaime isn’t off running on his own, Brienne is escorting him all the way back to King’s Landing. They trade a few barbs both sounding like brazen fighters. Jaime challenges Brienne to a battle, which she refuses, and then resigns himself to be escorted home. This is ultimately what he wants, yes? Yet, we don’t think he’ll want to walk into the Iron Throne room in chains led by Brienne. Who’s betting he tries to escape and we’ll find out who’s the better fighter between the two? (Me! Me!)
So far we really haven’t seen that much of Jaime’s supposed greatness on the field. He’s pushed a kid out a window, had a hard time besting Ned Stark without the help of a spear from a less-than helpful Gold Cloak Guard, and he’s managed to be captured twice by Robb Stark’s men. Hmmm. Just how awesome is he supposed to be? From what we’ve seen, nearly Arya could do a better job. Kingslayer! Kingslayer! Yeah, but wasn’t that guy already crazy? Jaime, attempted slayer of children, old army generals, jail mates, a guard, and mad kings.
Well, at least Tywin still believes in the worth of Jaime. He’s decided to march on Robb Stark’s camp, even though he knows Stannis Baratheon is closing in on King’s Landing. Is he worried about Cersei, Tyrion, and Joffrey? No! He figures the best thing for Joffrey is to stand his ground. Yes, absolutely, Tywin. That’s absolutely the best thing for Joffrey, he of no battle training, executor of babies and nannies. Again, Arya whupped his ass. He’ll make a fabulous Baratheon pin cushion.
Arya overhears Tywin’s plans and feels she must do something. After all, she has all this intel and no way to really use it, and besides she’s not just sticking around to be The Mountain’s kitchen wench in Tywin’s absence. No sirree. Off to find that damnable Jaqen H’gar. Urgh. Do we want to bring up if she’d used Death Genie wish number 1 or 2 on Tywin she wouldn’t be in this mess? No. She finds Jaqen who looks like he’s already exhausted by all the “The girl will give a name, blah, de, blah, blah, whatever.” Of course, Arya names Tywin and Jaqen who apparently has an appointment at the Harrenhal salon to get his highlights done says, “Nope. Name someone else. That dude has already left the premises.” Well, it’s more like, “The girl will give another name.” Arya starts to say something. A name that starts with a “J” and we’re like “fucking finally!” Of course, she must be about to say, “Joffrey, the little shitsack.” Nope. She says “Jaqen H’gar.” And we’re like “WHAT?!” “Jack-off-Gar!” Okay. Fine. This is strategy. Arya puts to Jaqen that either he find a way to free her and two friends, or his name is given to himself for execution.
This means killing more than one person, and Jaqen H’gar attempts to dress Arya down for not having any honor, and she’s like, “What? I’m a kid. Honor’s for blonde-streaked, third-person talking windbags.” (It really was a stupid thing to say, Jaqen.) He does this thing and murders two of the guards at the entry to Harrenhal, but makes it look like they’re guarding their posts. Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie (That piggy-faced boy is named Hot Pie! Lawdy.) walk right out through the gates. So simple and efficient. Jaqen H’gar is like a Death Genie overachiever.
Back at King’s Landing, Tyrion is brushing up on war strategy. While doing so, Bronn is getting on his nerves. This makes total sense. Tyrion sees that they’re probably going to be outnumbered by Stannis’ ships and men, and all Bronn can do is pick his fingernails and bitch about how glossy his uniform is. Well, he does have a point about the “gold cloak” as not really useful for stealth. It’s more a “come kill me” beacon. This does little to help Tyrion’s conundrum, which in turn is a conundrum for us the viewer. We adore Tyrion, but wanting to root for him is like sending a vote for Joffrey to continue ruling the realm with fuckery fueled with acute insanity. That can’t be good, right? So we want Stannis to succeed then? Yes, but does this mean Tyrion will be killed helping to protect Joffrey, a blight on humanity? Berf. Tyrion is pretty sure where Stannis will strike and we think he’ll have his napalm ready.
Later, as Tyrion dines with Cersei, we find out that she’s really concerned that Joffrey will be killed in battle if he’s sent to the front. AND SHE’S PROBABLY RIGHT! Tyrion agrees with his father in that Joffrey must fight alongside his men. There’s no other way to gain their loyalty. Cersei accuses Tyrion of basically orchestrating Joffrey’s death, so she proposes a death of her own. Keep Joffrey spared and little harm will come to Tyrion’s whore. Uh-oh. Tyrion calls Cersei’s bluff and with a self-satisfied smirk she has the guards lead in…Ros. Uh-huh. Tyrion pretends to be upset that Cersei has outsmarted him and has captured his girlfriend…Ros. We know Tyrion set this up, but Ros plays along and we have no idea if she was aware of the potential for capture and death, but we know how much Ros enjoys a sixpence, so maybe she’s pretty confident Tyrion can keep her safe, and be paid handsomely in the end. Still, this shakes up poor Tyrion who goes running to find Shae healthy and alive. He holds her close and begs that she say she’s his. She does and we can see Tyrion’s relief, even if we know more than ever that Shae is a weakness.
So with Winterfell taken, and Tywin riding into the night to do battle with Robb Stark, what is the King of the North doing? He’s discussing his terrible, very bad day to Talisa. Again with Talisa! Okay, yes, sure Robb, she’s beguiling, and interesting, and a woman of honor. “She won’t live in a slave city! She doesn’t care about being highborn!” But do you really have time to be this distracted? Apparently. Don’t you care about your promise to wed one of the bridge troll girls? No. Since Talisa is called “M’lady” by everyone, she now has free access to the King’s personal tent. On this night she tells him about a near family tragedy that put her on her current trajectory of taking off men’s legs and lobbying for an end to war. And Robb finds this irresistible. “I don’t want to marry the Frey girl,” he says. “I don’t want you to either,” she says. “But you needed that bridge.” And Robb looks at her and thinks, “Well, not as much as I need a little sexytime.” And they’re off clawing at each other, undoing a bunch of laces, ties, staples, and things. In a frenetic pace, Robb and Talisa take a break from imminent war, betrayal at Winterfell, and all manner of other bad things happening that threaten to alter the world as they know it and get it on. John Connor is now conceived. Probably!
With the Lannisters and the Starks preoccupied, Stannis is sailing to King’s Landing, and will arrive within a day. Tyrion is trying to prepare as well as he can. Joffrey is no hope. He’s like a kid with a new scooter. “Look Ma! It’ll be awesome!” Stannis is already setting things up for when he is truly named king, and says that Davos will be Hand of the King, despite being the Onion Knight. Haha!Onions! Varys tries to also tell Tyrion about Dany’s appearance in Qarth with dragons, to which Tyrion says, “One problem at a time, Varys.” And of course it’s said, if dragons come, all of this fighting over the Iron Throne won’t matter at all.
On the Star Trek holodeck, Geordi has set the simulation for the House of the Undying, and Dany and Ser Jorah are trying to find a way in. She blathers on about being mother of dragons, and Jorah, says, “Calm it down, Khaleesi. They’re fire breathing monsters, not actual children. Didn’t you see Avatar?” She insists that these are her only children, and we all shrug our shoulders. EAT MORE HORSE HEARTS, DANY! You’re starting to bore us.
Back at Winterfell, Theon has decided to stay and will face Robb’s wrath that he doesn’t know is coming. Even though he thought he got rid of all the Ravens for Gmails, Maester Luwin managed to get out at least one, and now some of Robb’s men are coming for Theon’s head. He’s also persuaded to leave the charred bodies of the two boys swinging in front of the castle to welcome all newcomers. Fantastic welcome mat there, Theon. You’re a jackass.
Maester Luwin spies Osha, and figures out that the two dead boys are not in fact Bran and Rickon. They’ve all been hiding out in the crypt beneath the castle. That won’t help Theon, but at least the kids are safe. It was all just a waste. Theon simply wanted to pose as this imposing figure, like a bully that has to hurt something defenseless for everyone to take him seriously, because all his blustering and other attempts at intimidation aren’t enough.
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