Bravo unleashes its lineup; Ryan Seacrest cries wolf or something like that; Ashton Kutcher annoys us…forever; Channing Tatum maybe invented the “forbidden dance;” Ryan Gosling leaps tall buildings in a single…you get it; Paul Haggis party-hops; and HBO brings back a favorite.

Get your drinks and manicures ready! Bravo has announced a whole new slate of original programming in what looks like a marathon race to see what group of shows will claw the other’s eyes out first. No, seriously. We can foresee so much angst and “I’m Not Here to Make Friends” drama complete with running mascara, an awkward, drunken stumble down a flight of stairs on a boat, an apartment, or inside a bourgeois boutique, that Andy Cohen will probably explode into a thousand smirky, divine giggles of merriment, glee, and sailor hats. Oh, yes, there will be much drink spilling and bitchfacing. Of the eleven new, and eight returning, unscripted series, and two original scripted programs, the list boasts shows with names like, “Below Deck,” “Miss Advised,” “Gallery Girls,” “The Kandi Factory,” and “Blowing Sunshine.” Good gracious, you probably can’t watch half these programs if you’re not wearing a spandex, day-glo mini with stilettos and diamonds as big as a grapefruit holding your ring finger hostage. And just because this won’t annoy anyone at all, Julia Allison, former NYC dating guru puff-ball and muse/mascot/running joke will show up as some sort of relationship expert. Somebody tell Nick Denton it’s 2007 again. [Deadline]

Ryan Seacrest, garden gnome and Hobbit spell caster, yanked everyone’s chain for two days by running through the town exclaiming at the top of his enchanted lungs that he had news, very big news indeed about some goings on between him and NBC, the network where good ideas go to commit suicide. First, he said this big news would be revealed on Tuesday, but due to an incident where he wasn’t able to dodge a spell cast by dim-witted sorceress, Giuliana Rancic, he had to cancel claiming an injury to his elbow, which we know to be his best magic making appendage. This morning he was finally able to lift his thimble sized body onto the mystical Today Show couches over at 30 Rock and talk with the hairless warlock, Matt Lauer about all his plans. Yeah, after all that hype, that Sea Monkey just told the world that NBC has hired him to work the London Olympics this year. What? Pfftt! That’s it? You get to hang out with Bob Costas and make electrifying commentary about synchronized swimming? Okay. Great. Oh, and he’ll still be on that song-spewing show American Idol for the foreseeable future. Fantastic. Any news at all about him replacing Lauer at a some point? Nope, none. Well, okay. That was anticlimactic. Rancic can be heard snickering from her trailer somewhere on the E! parking lot down by the docks. [Deadline]

Why is there so much goddamned news about Ashton Kutcher lately? He’s becoming the “Lindsay Lohan” of useless male actors. Every time you turn on the television someone, somewhere is talking about some new ridiculous thing Ashton Kutcher has signed on to do. Does he, along with China, own this country now? Yikes. Can’t you just picture his face on all our money? Mostly, I’d think no one would accept it with the exception of truck stops on the interstate and douchey nightclubs that enjoy the patronage of square-jawed, empty-eyed, inexplicable millionaires and Calvin Klein models. “Cool, bro.” In addition to news that Kutcher may play Steve Jobs in a biopic, which is like casting Channing Tatum to play Einstein, he’ll be returning to Fox and reuniting with That ’70s Show cast mates Mila Kunis, Laura Prepon and Wilmer Valderrama to celebrate the network’s 25th Anniversary Special airing Sunday, April 22 at 8 p.m. So, that’s so, so great. Why he’s getting a King’s Welcome is anybody’s guess. Maybe he owns Fox? Anyway, it’s much cooler that Christina Applegate, David Faustino, Ed O’Neill and Katey Sagal will be on hand for the broadcast too. This should always get top billing. Long live Married…With Children. [THR]

Speaking of Channing Tatum…guess who danced dirty with Elton John? Yep, the Magic Mike ex-stripper himself. Why this occurred is baffling, but apparently at last night’s Revlon Concert for the Rainforest Fund at Carnegie Hall and during John’s Marilyn Monroe “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” set Tatum joined John onstage and proceeded to “back that thang up” all over poor (overjoyed?) Elton. Guests were surprised, probably not because of the lewd dancing, but because no one threw Tatum out for crashing a party under the guise of being a superstar big enough to share the stage with both Sting and Meryl Streep who both sang songs. But at least Bill Clinton was impressed with Channing’s performance, but then that guy thinks he can play the saxophone. [Vulture]

“Hey, girl hey. I’m gonna save you from a runaway taxi cab.” Ryan Gosling, of the pulsing loin tribe in Canada, appeared out of nowhere last night and saved a woman from being hit by a cab. He leapt forward just in the nick of time to grab the woman away from the wildly careening cab as a bunch of banditos used the vehicle as a getaway car after the big bank heist in the center of Metropolis. The woman named Laurie Penny, because just of course her name sounds like a 1940’s sassy broad in a pencil skirt and jaunty hat, was completely stunned to see a man exit a phone booth and proceed to save her life. We’re all sure he said, “Sure thing, little lady. Be careful out there.” Before he was out of sight. Important question. Have we ever seen Ryan Gosling and Superman together at the same time?! HAVE WE?! Nope, I didn’t think so. [Vulture]

Oscar-winning writer, Paul Haggis, has caught the Woody Allen bug. He’ll be penning a movie about three story lines, three love stories, three relationships in three different cities that combine in a very odd way: New York, Paris, Rome. It will be called Third Person about party-reporting. Sounds kind of trashy and tragic, yes? On tap to star is Liam Neeson, who good god, just cannot make another Clash of the Wrath of Titans movie with Sam Worthington’s Kenny Power’s hairdo, and Olivia Wilde’s huge eyeballs that somehow keep ending up in movies. Apparently, there will be some sort of May/December romance that happens, and probably a whole lot of other thinky-think things about the soulless soul-crushers that go to swanky parties in New York, Paris, and Rome. Should be fun! [Vulture]

SOOKEH! The fifth season of True Blood returns on June 10. [EW]