The Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Ginger Fight

We open up with a rehash of the previous episode, which gives me a chance to run to the bathroom. Everyone’s talking amongst themselves about the board room. Paul’s a class act, even though he gets fired. Aubrey comes out tap dancing because she’s still in the show. Her hair extensions don’t move at all. Roll the credits.

Lisa is shown going to the Gay Men’s Health Crisis to present her check. Fuck. I want to dislike her so much, and then this shows her doing something really special, and I can’t dislike her for a while. Damnit.

We’re suddenly in a gold room that looks like Louis XIV threw up everywhere. I mean EVERYTHING is gilded and there’s a trompe l’oeil ceiling. It’s about as tacky as you can imagine. Aubrey’s already sizing up what she’ll do when she moves in. There are two women and an elderly man waiting for them with Trump and The Tall One. Some boring lady says that they have to create a display for Macy’s for Trump’s new cologne. The other lady reads her cue cards and Young Mr. Grace looks down on everyone disapprovingly.

Clay steps up as project manager because he smells better. Aubrey steps up for the other one and it’s gonna be the battle of the queens. I have to say, I’m sort of developing a crush on Clay. He’s being rather down to earth in this show and . . . I like it. It’s weird. Leave me alone. Trump makes things more intense by saying that if the winning team really impresses him, he’ll give them 100k for their charity.

In the board rooms, the groups ask important questions like “what do successful men want?” and “what is success?” and “what the hell are we doing?” Sex is the answer to all, if not most of those questions. And who’s sexy? Dayanna. Penn’s got ideas for the slogan, and Dayanna just wants everyone to be naked.

On the Other Team, the ladies are smelling the cologne for inspiration. Aubrey drops more and more hints about how much she wants any Trump to put a ring on it.  They all try to define success. Aubrey has some lovey dovey feelings about success that Arsenio shoots down, for very obvious reasons. Aubrey ignores him and continues to put Trump on a pedestal. Arsenio gets that “I’m going to talk slowly and politely or else I will throttle someone” voice.

The product people visit the groups and we find out just who this cologne is marketed to. 18-40 year old males who are trying to embrace the ideals that Trump puts forth in his life or something, or, basically, guidos from the Bronx in ill tailored suits. Aubrey starts talking and won’t shut up. The execs look even more bored then they did before.

Team Clay starts throwing out slogan after slogan and they’re all really crappy. They finally settle on “You earned it!” which reminds me way too much of “Because you’re worth it!” and makes me think Crystal Light, Virginia Slims and bad early 90’s make up. On the other team, Aubrey has even worse ideas, to the point where Teresa starts to look worried. Finally they find something that harkens back to some internet speech Trump made about trusting your instincts. Aubrey calls it “fierce.” Both teams pitch ideas about a display showing off the NYC skyline, because that’s never been done before. Aubrey wants some fierce backlighting to go with her fierce skyline. Aubrey, dear, stop trying to make fierce happen again, since it already came and went and it’s not going to be retro!! On the way to the construction studio, Arsenio and Aubrey take pictures of the NYC skyline and Arsenio makes a lot of vagina jokes. I don’t get it.

At the construction studio, Lisa puts on her lesbian hard hat and muff dives right into the project. Penn still has more ideas, but Clay has a hard time visualizing them, since they aren’t in musical notation. Aubrey lets out a Freudian slip when she says, “What I’m thi . . . What we’re thinking is. . .” to the construction worker. HA. She ends up sending out Arsenio and Teresa to get fabric to cover the various pieces of wood. Arsenio is not happy to be the designated baby sitter, though it becomes apparent that he’s needed, since Teresa calls in to ask what she needs to get again.

Meanwhile, Clay takes forever to make a decision about what sort of material to use, while the worker bee kinda just stares him down, repeating “While I’m sitting here, nothing’s being done.” Once a decision is made (wood instead of acrylic) everyone heads outside to take a picture of the model and Dayanna. Clay dresses up the model and let’s his Freud slip, and fawns over the stud muffin wearing Trump. Dayanna likes how nice Lisa is being, and hopes that Lisa’s not trying to “bust her peanuts.”

Aubrey starts ragging on Teresa to EVERYONE within earshot. I start ragging on her Uggs and her Kool Aid hair extensions that don’t match her Manic Panic hair color under the light. Tall Trump comes in since Aubrey asked him to be in the picture, and she immediately starts flirting with him. It’s both grotesque and profane, at least until she smoothly moves into complaining about her teammates.

When Arsenio and Teresa come back, they start on the branding, creating smells tabs and pamphlets. Arsenio thinks the smell tabs should be shaped like a T, which I think is kinda cute, though Aubrey gets that “why are you talking” look on her face, and proceeds to LEAN OVER the poor graphics girl and takes charge, again.

The other team is busy painting things, and Teresa’s got her painting heels on and is giving us executive painter realness. Lisa’s conflicted about not being near Aubrey and sneaks over in a very obvious way with a plate of popcorn to see what the other team is doing. She reports that Team Kool Aid is doing the EXACT SAME THING they are, and everyone freaks out for a minute, and then realizes it’s too late to change anything.

The displays go up at Macy’s in some random back offices that look like no one’s been in them in years. While Team Kool Aid is cutting out the pamphlets and Aubrey is bossing everyone around, their Success sign falls to the floor in an ominous fashion. Clay’s team sets theirs up and it looks amazing, though Dayanna starts noticing a few flaws here and there and is concerned for half a minute.

Aubrey wants her lights to be purpleier and barely gets things together before Young Mr. Grace and the Bored come in to see how things are looking. No one gets the Tall Trump’s silhouette = Young Donald Trump thing, though it’s blindingly obvious. Teresa goes into full on QVC mode and wants everyone to enjoy their smell strips.

The Bored walk into Clay’s room and you can see that they’re much more impressed with the display, but that lasts for about 5 minutes once they find that Clay’s team doesn’t really have a presentation. Oh crap.

The M&M commercial makes me wonder when she turned brown. I thought she was green?

In the Bored Room, Young Mr. Grace and Tall Trump join The Donald to brow beat the groups. Trump starts in with the “who will you fire” crap, but most of the people are able to talk around it. That cold breeze you feel is Hell freezing over, because Lisa has some really nice things to say about Dayanna. Aubrey suddenly loves everyone, and Trump calls Teresa a “hustler” but means it in the nicest way possible.

Team Clay is impressed with the pamphlet and the test strips, and you can see them mentally smacking their foreheads. Team Aubrey is annoyed that Clay’s display is better than theirs. Aubrey talks up Tall Trump and manages to hit on both father and son at the same time. That sound you hear is me gagging.

Tall Trump brings up the fact that Aubrey hates her team, and she tries to back pedal.

The judges felt that Team Clay had a really nice display, and they loved the photo of Dayanna, but felt that it was too big (Um, have they walked into Macy’s recently?). They also HATED the slogan. Penn fesses up to the slogan and everyone talks about how pretty Dayanna is.

Team Aubrey’s branding worked, but everyone hated the display. The major sticking point is the stupid silhouette, but unfortunately, it’s not enough to make them loose. Team Aubrey wins, and Trump immediately backpedals out of giving 100k to GLSEN, and splits it up among everyone.

I totally want to see Pirates. Just putting that out there.

Clay’s confused because he thought he did a bang up job, and Lisa’s sitting next to him looking nervous. Trump makes a big to do about how great leaders, like Patton, take charge and don’t listen to anyone. Not sure that’s how it worked, and not sure Patton is the best example. The Bored keeps harking on the size of the photo, and I’m sitting here still being confused.

Outside, Arsenio’s chowing down on some bruschetta.

Clay and Lisa bring up Dayanna’s accent, which . . . is weird, and finally Clay brings back Dayanna and Penn. Trump makes a big deal about how Dayanna’s always in the Bored Room, and asks her lots of leading questions about being a Beautiful Woman, since he is an expert on Beautiful Women.

Outside, Aubrey starts berating Lisa for being nice to Dayanna. Way to go, bitch.

Young Mr. Grace doesn’t like Penn, and Tall Trump doesn’t like Clay. Trump doesn’t like that they didn’t make some sort of take-away thing. Clay thinks that Penn should be fired. Tall Trump has a REALLY small mouth. Penn keeps his big one shut.

In the end, Penn’s fired for creating the WORLD’S WORST SLOGAN EVER. Cue the dramatic music, and Penn talking about this being a learning experience. I know it’s one for me.

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