From the onset we always knew that Game of Thrones was not going to be a shy show. Oh, no, it wasn’t going to hide behind its mother’s skirts, or pretty up certain things. This was going to be a show that would say unto the viewer, “You will see incest, torture, death, gore, and well, the slow descent into the psychotic, and just for kicks how about a few dragons, and an enchanted priestess or two, eh?”
May we count it as a blessing that the show, perhaps wisely, chooses to condense those things of the utmost depravity into one episode so that we don’t suffer from overload? Perhaps. Yet, the concentration of the horror emboldens the faithful viewer to align oneself with the victims, but mostly, what we find after watching an episode so laden with the baseless nature of those in Westeros, is that what we the viewer, like Robb and Arya, and now perhaps Sansa, want most of all is vengeance.
We begin the episode titled “Garden of Bones” with a few Lannister red cloak soldiers, doing what we imagine Lannister soldiers do best when they’re not actively fighting — sitting by a fire grousing about their circumstances, passing time before the next thing happens, and devolving into schoolboy antics like farting and laughing about it as a source of entertainment. In response, they’re rewarded with Robb Stark’s direwolf, Grey Wind, charging out of the darkness and commencing the first strike in a strategic undertaking that takes this regiment of the Lannister army unaware. After what we assume is a battle of some sort , or perhaps a very successful stealth attack, we next see a litany of dead soldiers, mostly Lannister soldiers. There is one who fought for the Starks who’s ended up in a pretty bad way. Basically he needs to have his foot amputated, field triage style, which is done with a dirty rag stuffed in his mouth and a hand saw struck across his limb. James Franco says, “Bah! That scene needed more sinew and magic brownies!” and then he fell asleep.
Here is where Robb meets a no nonsense young woman tasked with the job, who also has a few choice words for Robb for leading the young man into a war with no clear endgame in sight. Robb admits that he has no interest in the Iron Throne and is leading his efforts as a revolt against Joffrey, to avenge his father, and to return his sisters home — after that he has no clue what he’s after. This isn’t good enough for the young woman, because she’s probably thinking, “Okay, war will leave many dead, ravage the country, and then what? You expect to pick up the pieces of your parade and shuffle on back to Winterfell after the world is in ruins?” And we have to agree, Robb. You better come up with a plan, buddy. What are you offering all those who fight with you? A more turbulent monarchy with Stannis and Renly beating their chests to see who’d make a good king while you slink off North hoping to be unaffected? Nope, this won’t do. We see him begin to think about this — and about the young woman who brought it up. Uh, Robb, this is no time for smirking, and thinking about maidens with hacksaws. For one, you need to really get on Operation Sister Rescue because that situation is deteriorating fast.
Now, our hatred of Joffrey has been utterly unwavering from the time his sulking, spoiled, assface of a dastardly shit-heel of a form arrived at Winterfell at the beginning of last season. He’s a punk and a bully, and as such we’ve taken great satisfaction when anyone has been able to put the little rodent fart in his place. There was nothing like the time when Tyrion pimp slapped the caca out of that little prick in season one. However, since ascending the throne, he’s become a holy terror, just an intolerable crap-stain of savagery and unfettered mania. He had Ned Stark executed, he’s killed babies, and has even taken his ridiculous cocksure dementia and turned on Sansa, whom he once proclaimed to love, and who still serves as his betrothed.
Yet, upon hearing about Robb’s success in the field, with some undue embellishment from his guard, he decides to teach Robb a lesson. He orders Sansa to be stripped and beaten in front of the court. However, as the beating commences by one of Joffrey’s guard, he holds court with a crossbow trained on Sansa, as if there were somewhere for her to run. As she’s felled to the ground and the back of her gown ripped open, Joffrey encourages his guard use the flat of his sword to punish her further, but orders that her pretty face not be harmed. Such a gentleman that Joffrey. Puke.
As we’ve gotten glimpses of before, there is glee in Joffrey’s face, and we find that there is nothing that he enjoys more than inflicting pain. As the guard approaches Sansa, Tyrion (Thank God, Tyrion) strides in and demands to know the meaning of Joffrey’s actions. For the first time in this scene we see the maniacal glee in Joffrey’s face falter. Tyrion will not allow Joffrey to continue beating Sansa, a highborn lady, who has nothing to do with her brother’s “crimes.” He also reminds Joffrey that he should be careful that he doesn’t start walking the line into “Mad King” territory because, yeah, things ended badly for that guy. When Tyrion’s comments are named a threat by the same guard who was enacting Joffrey’s will, Tyrion simply states that he is not threatening a king, he was educating his nephew. Which while such things are expected of The Hand of the King, he has always certainly been an uncle before such titles were bestowed, and as such has no qualms about dispatching his man, Bronn to take out the offending guardsman if he speaks again about what Tyrion should and should not say to his obscenely evil kin. (Yay Tyrion!)
So Sansa is saved momentarily, and when asked if she wants out of the union with Joffrey, she wisely says no. Loyalty, even if false loyalty, to the Lannisters is the only thing keeping her alive.
But now what to do about Joffrey? Bronn has determined that the boy suffers from a lack of getting laid as he says Joffrey the maniac is “clogged from balls to brains” and we say that’s mostly disgusting, and if there’s anything that can help it’s a baseball bat to the cranium. They settle for prostitutes.
The following scene is a tough one to watch, and it mostly had us wanting to hide our eyes, while also hoping for some sort of meteor to come careening into the castle thusly erasing Joffrey and his smug, rage-filled, demonic corpus from the planet. No such luck. Tyrion sends Joffrey two prostitutes, Ros and Daisy, as a present for his nameday, and after learning of who sent him the “gift” he proceeds to continue on his serial killer prerequisite checklist. We’re sure somewhere hidden in his bedroom’s wardrobe closet there are piss-filled bed sheets and a smoldering tinder box that he keeps under the bed. As soon as that sinister sneer appears on his face we know that he’s going to do something insane and terrible. What we get is a flogging and something sadistic done with a club with deer antlers carved at the end while he yells “Harder!” And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
We leave Joffrey and his games for the demented and join Catelyn Stark in Renly’s camp. Littlefinger shows up with the intent of brokering some sort of peace or something. It’s all a little muddled, between Littlefinger’s swinging allegiances, and his crazed notion that Catelyn after learning of Littlefinger’s betrayal and the subsequent loss of her husband, would ever want to “be with” him. He professes his undying love for her. To which she says, “Get the fuck outta here.” So then he plays hand number two. Strike a deal with him behind Robb’s back to free Jaime, and the Lannisters will free Sansa and Arya (whom they don’t have, but they do have, but don’t know they have.) Then to add a little fuel on the fire he gives her back Ned’s remains. We would assume Gwyneth Ned Paltrow Stark’s head is also in the box. And yes, in our heads, we get a moment, as Catelyn opens the box, of saying in Brad Pitt voice, “What’s in the box? (wail, wail) WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!” They don’t show us.
Remember how we said a couple weeks ago about how things have gotten very bleak in Westeros? Yes, well, Arya who’s now captured by the Lannisters is taken to Harrenhal, a large grey, crumbling castle that we learn was once ravaged by dragons. Here we also find The Mountain. Arya, Gendry, and the portly boy who threatened Arya when she first joined Yoren’s band of bastards, are all put in a mud-filled, rain-soaked cage. They quickly learn that the cage is a sort of holding pen for the randomly selected and forever doomed. Each day The Mountain selects some woeful soul to be questioned amid torture. Sure, they ask some questions about where to find “The Brotherhood” some faction loyal to the Starks, but really they just want to get to the killing. And they do so by death of crazed rodent. On Arya’s second day one such soul is selected, and after saying he doesn’t know where to find “The Brotherhood” a bucket filled with a rat is put upon his chest, and then thing is lit on fire, which causes the rat to try and claw its way free — right through the man the bucket is attached to. Okay, so new nightmare. Spirit now has an image of what a rat bursting through your chest would potentially look like. Thanks so much, Game of Thrones. So many questions. What happens then? Does it take residence in your aorta? Does it hang out in the stomach using the belly button as a seaman’s portal? See! These are things I never would have thought before! Again, thanks, Game of Thrones.
Arya, in order to keep sane we imagine, has started to name all those who will suffer her wrath. The list includes Joffrey, Cersei, The Hound, Ilyn Payne (her father’s executioner), The Mountain, and Polliver (Lannister guard who has “Needle”) The next day, she, Gendry, and piggy-faced boy, suffer the same fate, and Gendry is chosen. Right before the rat comes toward Gendry’s soft bits, Tywin rides in and shuts down the town fair, and decides the prisoners are better served working, especially those who have a trade like Gendry, a blacksmith, and Arya, a girl. What? Yeah, Tywin notices without preamble that Arya is a girl, and she lands a job as a cup bearer. Is she saved? We’d say temporarily. Well, we want to know more about what this cup bearing is first.
Despite Robb’s successes at defeating Lannisters, there is still the small matter of Renly and Stannis, the flying Baratheons of the latest town circus. Whoever will wear the crown? You know the one Robb apparently has the best chance so far of securing since he’s the only one actually engaging the enemy? Stannis and Renly give each other Wet Willies and Indian Burns atop a mountain while they discuss who’ll get to ride first on the Ferris Wheel. Stannis says Renly should surrender to him and he’ll make him a council member and his heir if he does so. Renly says “Whatever, Stannis! You’re not the boss of me!” And so it goes. Nothing here is resolved, and now everyone is late for Ovaltine.
Dany, our next contestant for Price is Right for the Throne, has come on down to Qarth, where she’s been assured she’ll find shelter for her group of Dothraki and her fledgling dragons. Oh, but wait, the gatekeeper at Qarth is a bit of a dickbag. This guy says, “No, show me the dragons or no entry in the city.” He has the backup of thirteen members of the Qarth co-op board who agree Dany and her people could be unsavory, so to show that they’re not they should prove that they have the potential of burning down the city in a few years. Nope! Dany won’t fall for it. She says, “Let me in to your Upper East side playground Spice King Foxworth the III or I’ll burn your prewar city down to rubble first. I’ll leave Chelsea intact, because I still think it’s cool despite my brother’s love for hipster belts.” Spice King Foxworth the III scoffs and turns her away, but Xaro Xhoan Daxos who spouts how the board didn’t want him in the co-op at first because of the obvious, and probably those late night collaborations with Kanye, says that he’ll vouch for her, and does so. Dany and her family are let in, and it seems she’s made a new friend.
So what happens when you take The Hand of the King a message late at night from the Queen Regent? Well the Hand says that you’re schtupping the queen, and because you are, you are now indebted to him, lest he tell on you to Crazy King Joffrey RottenPants the Murder-Seeking Demon Spawn, and well, that will probably end with your sensitive man-parts in a jar somewhere or shot with a crossbow. This is what Lancel Lannister finds out as he delivers a message from Cersei to Tyrion about releasing Maester Pycelle from the Black Cells. Tyrion must have a nice sized list that has just earned a new “X” mark. Lancel has been neutralized. That took about four minutes.
What in the world can we do to round out this episode of torture and acute nutterdom running wild in the realm, oh, how about a phantasm birth? Sure! Stannis’ red priestess Melisandre is sailing to some unknown place with his first in command, Davos. They end up in a cave, and after some odd banter wherein Melisandre promises to show her nakedness to Davos, she does so and reveals herself to be about nine months pregnant with we assume is Stannis’ child. She lays on the rocky ground to give birth to an oily, inky, smoky phantasm of a thing that claws its way out. Is it a human baby? Nuh-uh. Is it a baby at all? Nuh-uh. It’s a dude. Well, we see a dude’s legs so we gather. Um, okay. Well, that’s a lot of supernatural in my fantastical fiction, right?
What did we think about this episode with all its dark attributes? Tell us in the comments.
As I’ve said in the past, this is a book-free space for Game of Thrones. We’re just talking about the television series, so please try and avoid book spoilers. Thanks!
Here’s a more detailed infographic of the houses.
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The Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO.
Here’s a preview of next week’s episode.
