The remaining queens enter the workroom and circle Kenya’s clothes hangers like vultures circling a carcass in the desert. Kenya has scribbled on the mirror in lipstick: “Phi Phi, I love you. Sisters forever.” Gross, Kenya. I think even less of you now. Phi Phi has a sad because her best friend is gone. Awww, Phi Phi has feefees. Isn’t that sweet? No. No, it is not. Phi Phi mentions that Milan has sent both Puerto Rican queens home. “You’re never going to be in West Side Story again. Not even a touring production, bitch,” Willam says. Welcome back, you funny bitch. I have missed this side of Willam. Milan says she’s not going to compromise. Hm. This feels familiar. Hit the jump, and let’s dish on last night’s episode.
You’ve Got She-Mail & Mini Challenge
RuPaul appears on screen and says, “My name’s RuPaul, and I’ll be your cruise director.” She makes several nautical/water/boat references so we have some idea of what’s coming.
For the mini challenge, the queens will engage in some classic spring break antics: they’re going to have a wet tee-shirt contest, complete with fake boobs. Willam says: “My look is ‘I want to go to Miami, but I can only afford Ft. Lauderdale.'” Sharon’s worried because girly drag is not her forte. Jiggly says Chad looks like a MILF. They head out back where a crowd of shouting men wait. Also, there’s Shawn Morales and his bulge. Yum!
Milan does some crazy dance moves which is par for the course at this point. Chad says she feels like a “drag cougar” and that’s definitely how her look reads. Jiggly gets kinda nasty. Sharon spits water at the crowd: “She’s a regular Danny Thomas with that spit take,” Ru says. Well played, Ru. Phi Phi’s tits come off and her wig soon follows. Tragedy! Willam squirts sunblock all over herself, takes her shorts off, and gets super skanky but never loses that Willam sense of humor. I kind of love it. “The titular winner of today’s mini challenge is Willam,” announces RuPaul. That seems right to me.
Main Challenge
Ru tells the gworls that a drag queen was instrumental in beginning the Stonewall rebellion which of course became a full scale series of riots. She’s giving the queens a history lesson because the main challenge will be gay pride based, and while some of them do not need a history lesson, others clearly don’t know why we celebrate gay pride when we do. The theme of the challenge is “hope floats,” and the queens must design both a look for themselves (fashion forward!) and an actual boat which they will walk the runway wearing. They must design using one of the colors from the pride flag. Willam, as winner of the mini challenge, gets to choose her color and then assigns a color to each other queen.
Jiggly hates that she got orange. Sharon, who was given green, says she’s going for a Medusa theme: “Look at me, and I’ll turn you into Stonewall.” Jiggly says she swallowed glitter. “You’ve swallowed worse,” Willam says. No doubt. During Ru’s workroom visit, Jiggly clearly isn’t getting it, and Ru is concerned. Milan also seems to be having trouble. Phi Phi says she lived in an abusive household but doesn’t really go into detail. I’m trying to pheel something for you besides contempt, Phi Phi, but it’s hard. So hard! Ru announces that Kelly Osbourne and Pauley Perrette are the guest judges. “How many times did you work with her, Willam?” Sharon asks. Ha! That’s how it’s done, ladies. I would pay good money to watch Willam and Sharon trade shady comments for an hour. Anyway, the queens continue working on their arts and crafts. There’s more tension than usual in the workroom, or the editing would have us believe so. Is it because this challenge is difficult and time-consuming or because there are only eight of them left or some combination of both? Yes.
Main Stage
Ru tells the judges (Michelle Visage, Billy B., Kelly Osbourne, Pauley Perrette) that the queens are “ready to parade. . .down the runway.”
Chad Michaels: She looks very showgirl, not super fashion forward, but still well put together, as always.
DiDa Ritz: She’s doing better with the hair and makeup, but there’s nothing fashion forward about the outfit. She looks like she just came from shopping at Con-way, 10+ years ago.
Jiggly Caliente: “Tangerine Dream,” Michelle Visage says. No, it looks like a nightmare to me. The float looks like it was done by a preschool class, and it shows that she had little to no time to put her outfit, hair and makeup together.
Milan: Eh. Mellow yellow? I don’t even know what to say. It was time to sink or swim, and this bitch is sinking.
Sharon Needles: Her snake theme is cool, and she works it.
Latrice Royale: She really turned it out. Hand painted hair, awesome makeup. This is the first time I’m begrudgingly acknowledging that the studded lips actually work. This is how you do yourself up for a gay pride parade!
Willam: She drops anchor and steps out in her bathing suit. It’s a nice performance, and she looks good.
Phi Phi O’Hara: She’s very middle of the road. Her makeup is less disgusting than usual, but the hair and outfit feel dated to me, not fashion forward.
Willam wins!
Lip-Synch for you Life
Jiggly and Milan are the bottom bitches and must lip-synch some Lady Gaga to stay alive.
Milan is doing some weird combination of cancan dancing and Russian kick dancing. Jiggly turns it out–she’s no pointer sister! Milan rips her wig off and half-strips. Why do so many of them make this part of the performance? We get it, okay? This is do or die. Jiggly is safe, Milan sashays away.
Untucked
We see runway footage that didn’t air during the episode, and all the queens say they didn’t like Jiggly’s float when asked whose was the worst. Back in the Interior Illusions Lounge, the tension is thick. Chad thinks Jiggly was unprofessional. Jiggly whines and has an excuse for everything. Just own it bitch: you didn’t do what you were supposed to do!
Next! DiDa says she’s serving “real fish.” Uncomfortable silence. Yeah, DiDa, but it’s the day old fish that the monger sells for half price. Willam takes this moment to point out that DiDa has a stain on her shirt, and I laughed and laughed. Srsly, I had to pause the DVR because I couldn’t stop cracking up.
Ru appears on the TV and sends the queens into the Gold Bar. Kelly Osbourne is in there waiting for them. Kelly asks who the biggest bitch is. Willam volunteers herself. Someone (was it Latrice?) says Phi Phi is a bitch, but Phi Phi says she’s just real. Willam says Phi Phi is a cunt. Ha! At least I assume that’s what she said since it was totally bleeped out. It makes sense though, right? Kelly asks them about tucking and then asks who in the room they would fuck. Milan quickly answers Phi Phi, which makes for some short-lived awkwardness. Sharon thinks her sex tape with Latrice would sell big. Chad says she’d fuck herself: “I’m not laying a hand on those bitches, believe me.” Preach, Chad.
There’s a letter in the pink box from Kenya. She reads them “from beyond.” She says she wants to get something off her chest. She says Jiggly should have been out the first week. She says Willam has a man face. On and on. Oh, Kenya. Bitter, party of one, your table is ready. You tried, and you failed. Get over it.
When the queens split up, Willam’s tears from last week come up. Phi Phi says Willam’s crying was fake, and I hate that for once I agree with Phi Phi on something. Willam still insists it was real. Whether it was or it wasn’t, it just appeared false on TV. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on this, Willam, because you are a funny betch, and I want to see you go the distance. Then, in one of the confessional style interviews, Phi Phi says there’s so much cattiness in drag, and it’s unnecessary. Oh, that’s rich. Self-awareness, UR DOIN IT RONG, Phi Phi. Can we take bets now: will next week be the showdown between Phi Phi and Willam? I’m going to burst if I don’t get to see the fight that precedes “Your tone is very pointed” soon.
C.U.N.T. and C U Next Tuesday
Charisma: Willam! I know so much of this show gets manipulated by editing, but it was so nice to see funny, charismatic Willam again last night.
Uniqueness: Sharon Needles. She pretty much owns this category, doesn’t she? Her snake themed look was inspired and unusual in a parade of otherwise conventional pride queens.
Nerve: Willam again. I know acting is her craft, but I srsly loved how balls to the wall she took her wet tee-shirt performance.
Talent: Latrice Royale. I understand why Ru chose Willam as the winner of the main challenge, but if it hadn’t been Willam, it would have been Latrice, whose whole look (especially that crazy makeup and hand painted hair! I can’t get over it!) was impeccable and parade-ready.
C U Next Tuesday: Phi Phi. She’s just going to live in this category unless someone else does something super out of character. Phi Phi is just the worst. Right? Right.
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