Last time on Dance Moms, we went to Fire and Ice, where everyone knows our names! The dancers kicked butt, Abby yelled at everyone, and the Candy Apples went to a funeral for their dignity. Ready or not, here come the Dance Moms!
Abby gives us some blah blah blah about what the girls did last time before having everyone circle around for the Pyramid of Shame! Only, now, it’s not a classical pyramid but more like the ruins of the Meidum Pyramid (and you thought Dance Moms wasn’t educational!), since Kendall’s not here. On the bottom, we have Paige and Brooke, which Kelly’s not too happy about. Paige is having trouble with her arms, and we see a clip that shows us nothing, and Brooke isn’t smiling. Again with the mopey teenager thing with Brooke that we’re seeing nothing of. Chips finishes us off because she’s not dancing as well as Maddie did when Maddie was Chips’ age. Another fine example of Abby’s children whispering style of teaching.
On the second tier, we have Chloe, because hearing Abby talk about how Chloe is oh, so talented, but doesn’t apply herself enough will never get old. At least not to the producers. Nia’s on second, probably because she only placed second. Abby takes this time to point out that Nia’s not a winner, and Holly takes this time to say that Nia did VERY well with a routine that wasn’t all about the color of Nia’s skin. Abby ignores her. Maddie’s back on top, because she’s a born leader. The chosen one to lead us, smizing our way into the Fire and Ice Elite invitational. I really hate dance competitions and what they do to the industry.
Abby decides to go balls to the wall and bring out the big guns with a showgirls routine. No, not Showgirls, though that does remind me that it’s time for my semi-annual viewing of that movie. There’s going to be fans and implied nudity. No one’s on board with this. Well, Melissa probably is, but she’s not given a chance to talk. Abby says that they’re all young and can get away with it. Chris Hansen disagrees. Abby’s attempt to placate everyone involves the fact that big fans means more coverage, and then launches into another one of her speeches about professional dancers which shows off how little she knows about professional dancers. The dance will be called Fan-tastic. Or FANtastic, or Someone Call Security or Honestly, Officer, I Thought She Was Eighteen.
Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the moms are uncomfortable with this new twist, but will just roll with it anyway, since this is the DMPAL. They try and watch the dance progressing, but can’t, and Melissa ends up saying that Holly looked good in the wedding dress they were all trying on. Then, having done her good deed for the day, she declares she has to pee like a race horse, and leaves the DMPAL, just like any other classy lady would. Melissa brings up the Rock, again, and is upset that Melissa won’t talk about her engagement, even though everyone can see the ring. I’m wondering how committed Melissa is. I mean, it’s classic Rom-Com fare, only without Matthew McDepressiveAbs waltzing in at the wrong time. Christi and Kelly contemplate being Melissa’s wedding crashers and start planning a surprise bachelorette party.
The good girls, aka Chloe, Maddie and Chips, are let go, and Abby keeps the bad girls at practice until this dump shines like the top of the Chrysler Building. Kelly’s not happy, cause her girls are about to drop.
We switch to Ohio and get a glimpse of the Candy Apples Home Country Kitchen, and HO BOY, it does not fail to deliver. There’s a bunny motif EVERYWHERE, and lots and lots of tchotchkes and brick-a-brack and what not. The only thing it’s missing is a collection of clown statuettes or dachshund paintings. Cathy’s apparently married to Patton Oswald’s older brother, and we find out that he runs a beef jerky store. Of course he would. Cathy and Mr. Apples talk about the store and the need for advertising while Vivi-Anne eats her Capt’n Crunch . . . minus the Crunch Berries. Seriously. What sort of mom/kid gets the non-Crunch Berries version? That’s just wrong. Cathy wants everyone to know that her husband’s jerky is better than the stuff at the gas station. I’m not touching that one.
At Abby’s, we’re subjected to clips of dance class and some really bad pirouettes. Abby brings out the fans, and I’m disappointed because I wanted to see the moms argue while hot gluing feathers. Abby explains to the girls that there’s a proper way to do fan dancing, and she’s gonna show it to them. It’s all in the attitude. The one that says, “You can’t afford me.” I think the appropriate phrase here is “You can’t afford the bail and I’m 9 and not yet completely scarred for life.” We’re subjected to Abby’s choreography which goes, I quote, “crotch . . . boobs.” I’m uncomfortable already, and apparently, so are the moms.
We get a much needed break by watching the girls practice their solos. Maddie’s doing “lyrical” again, and shows us that she’s a good dancer, when she’s not over doing the facial expressions. And then Abby tells her to smile and it all goes to hell. Chloe’s doing some contemporary piece (why even label them? It’s all the same style, which has nothing to do with the label being used?). She’s playing a bird, since she’s always in Maddie’s shadow. And who put her there? Anyway, it’s called the Raven (no, not that Raven).
Apparently, the beef jerky store is RIGHT NEXT to the Candy Apples Dance Studio. You can’t imagine how much I love this set up. We see more of Cathy and her husband talk about making a commercial and she seems to be on her good meds.
Abby’s girls are getting ready for their costume fitting, which consists of underliner dance bras (sizes AAAAAAAAAAAAAA to AA), and Chips tells us that this could fit on her American Girl Doll. Heh. Melissa continues to drink the Kool Aid and puts all her trust in Abby. The girls are also wearing shiny spanky pants, which everyone calls booty shorts, but they’re cut like briefs, and just add to the uncomfortableness factor. Abby gives us more bullshit about the “industry” and I tune out.
On the way home, Cathy calls Christi and wants Chloe to be in her beef jerky commercial for the Sausage King of Canton. I’m not touching that one, either. Cathy’s in pure business mode and ends the call with a “kiss kiss.” Cue eye roll. So, Cathy’s got her girls in slutty western outfits, except for little Carrot Top who doesn’t get to be slutty. Just sad. Cathy’s ordering around the camera man, and telling him that she’s the director and she wants what she wants, and she wants it now. The camera man takes this in stride, and doesn’t choke her with the nearby sausage links. Christi and Chloe show up and Cathy says that she was inspired by Lady Gaga’s meat dress to pin a bunch of jerky on a unitard and call it a day. Chloe’s grossed out, but a trooper, even with the unfortunately placed jerky triangle. Cathy keeps making backhanded compliments and then finally shooting is done. Meanwhile, Abby’s been practicing and only NOW realizes that Chloe’s not here.
Competition, and it’s the same ol’ same ol’. Some girl is doing a dance to “What I Did for Love.” I also hate A Chorus Line, and ESPECIALLY that song. I find it incredibly self-indulgent. Back to the dance. Christi shows off the commercial, and Chloe’s disappointed that the editing cut out her dancing, but left her in the stupid meat suit. Abby starts digging in and saying that no manager would let that slide, and how they screwed up and . . . again, showing the fact that she has no clue what she’s talking about. It’s called editing and I know PLENTY of actors who showed up, filmed all day, got paid, and then had 2 seconds of screen time. Anyway. Abby has a vision for Chloe, but doesn’t explain what that vision is. This more sounds like when someone tells you they were totally gonna give you some cake, but you screwed up and can’t have any, and they were never going to give you any cake to begin with. Selfish cake hoggers.
The Raven starts with some stupid arm movements, but quickly gets good. Chloe’s really good at dramatic faces, which goes well with her Disney Princess look. Again, Christi, if you’re reading this, get thee to the Pittsburgh Ballet School, if not SAB. Your daughter could do an AMAZING Queen of the Willies. Maddie comes out and smizes her way across the stage. Abby likes her gymnastics, because, of course.
The group number starts out with everyone arguing backstage while they put on their sparkly sparkly nude bras. And then we find that they’re also group number 69. Really show? Did we have to add that in? The judges look massively uncomfortable during the routine. The male judges keep looking down, and then realizing they’re being paid to judge, so looking up, and then having to look down again, all the while wondering where Chris Hansen or Candid Camera is. We pan across the audience to find that everyone else feels the same way, except Melissa. Of course.
Awards! Chloe gets second, and for a moment I don’t mind, except that Maddie got first. Either the judges are looking for something REALLY specific, or this shit is rigged. There’s no way that the clips that we say of Maddie indicated a first place performance, ESPECIALLY with Chloe’s piece. I call shenanigans. While we’re waiting for the group awards, Christi and Kelly slip away to decorate for the bachelorette party. Everyone’s gonna need some of the booze, since the group didn’t place. Abby says it’s not about winning, except when it is. The moms get the girls out of the backstage room as quickly as possible, and Melissa mopes around wondering why they’re doing this until the stripper shows up. I have to give Christi and Kelly props for the stripper. He’s hot. He’s muscular, but not the “I have a six pac” type. He’s a little bit of meat on him, and I’m ready for the main course. Melissa storms out, since strippers are trashy, unlike her daughter’s most recent dance performance. Abby immediately starts critiquing the stripper’s dance routine. Because she’s a dance teacher and she has to let everyone know it at every possible moment.
Next week! The moms are going to Miami! Paige may never dance again! Holly gets expelled because she’s a principal! Does this mean there won’t be any Cathy?
