Previously on The Celebrity Apprentice. George Takei was confused and didn’t know how to properly utilize the Hulk’s amazing ability to feel his feelings! There were shoes, and drama, and late people and Day and Night with Invanka. In the end, George got beamed back to the Enterprise, and gave us all his happy dance, which is more entertaining than this steaming pile of dreck. On to the recap!
First, we see all the ladies toasting to their first success, and are joined by the men folk who are safe. I notice that while everyone else is drinking champagne, Penn is drinking bottled water. I would have thought it would have been Dee Snyder, who’s got to be on some sort of high quality meds, but I guess he knows all about how to mix his pills and liquor. Wikipedia informs me that he’s never touched alcohol or drugs. Good for him. Wikipedia also informs me that he’s, along with Debbie Harry, created a patent for a Jacuzzi jet that’s designed to hit a woman in all the right places. You learn something new every day.
The ladies feel that they are finally a team, while Arsenio describes the board room as being one of the most painful times of his life. I want a life where having Trump look down his nose at me is my worst experience. We then get to Lou talking about his feelings, and is unnecessarily subtitled. Way to go NBC! Dee thinks that they let the wrong person go, hint hint, wink wink. Until it’s all of us, I say he’s right.
We see Dayanna giving her check to the Latino Commission on AIDS and it’s a really sweet moment. Well, it is until the producers decide that real ‘Mericans can’t understand those der funny illegal accents and, once again, subtitle everything. It’s only been 15 minutes in, and we already have so much fail.
Cut to Grand Army Plaza. No, not THAT Grand Army Plaza. These are celebrities, folks. They can’t be seen in some place pedestrian as Brooklyn. Trump makes some speech about ye olde tymey horse and buggy, and then introduces some guys from Buick. Debbie puts on her best “Intensely listening face.” The celebs have to do a presentation about how super awesome this new car is, as well as answer some questions about said new car, in front of a live audience and on Twitter. Oh, how social networking forward of you, show!
TrumpSpawn is here for no reason, looking like a stupid puppy. Adam makes some cracks about losing his virginity in the back of a Buick and TrumpSpawn tries to lob it back with a “Last week?” instead of a “your mom” joke. Everyone titters politely. Trump drops some BIG hints about how he thinks that this would be a GREAT time for Andretti to get in the driver’s seat. Because driving cars=intimate knowledge of how to promote cars. Adam jumps in, and Andretti’s fine with this and Trump gives them disappointment face. Debbie Gibson’s all “We’re just some girls! What do we know about cars? Let’s go gossip and bake cookies for the boys and brush our hair 100 times!!” That sound you just heard is everyone on Jezebel writing the exact same angry letter at the exact same time to the beat of Gloria Steinam having apoplexy. Debbie steps up to the plate, anyway.
The girls get a bunch of Buick swag. But it’s that stupid swag that you can’t do anything with, like koozies and backpacks and shit. Aubrey pitches the idea of doing a story, but Gibson’s running this train wreck and will have none of that nonsense. The ladies are joined by Al Borland and the British dad from The Nanny. They talk about Buick and talk about the car and give the ladies four main points that they need to hit during their presentation. Creativity, Uniqueness, Nerve and a Turning circle of 36 feet. . .
The boys still think that Andretti should have been the project manager for this challenge. Ok, guys, we get it. Andretti’s really good at driving cars, and that translates into being able to present, write a script, and organize everyone into shape. Oh, wait, no, it doesn’t. It just means he can make left turns all day. Clay acts like he knows something about NASCAR. Is it NASCAR? I don’t know. It’s not Dance Moms, so I don’t care. We get a glimpse of Arsenio with his hat off, and we see why he’s usually wearing one. Al Borland has no sense of humor. Either that or Adam Corolla can’t tell a good joke. Take your pick. There’s more bickering and then the guys split into two groups.
The girls are brainstorming ideas, which means, everyone has them, and Debbie Gibson shoots them down like the world’s worst artistic director. They mention getting Teresa’s husband involved. Wait, what? I thought she was divorced. Or at least, I remember seeing a headline like that on People. Apparently not. Debbie’s upset that the ideas that everyone’s throwing at her aren’t amazing and fully formed right off the bat. The music that’s playing makes me feel like I’m watching Pirates of the Caribbean.
The boys who are staying home talk about their idea. They have no idea what it is, and neither do I. There’s something about a presentation and hecklers and beer and I have no clue. It’s just a steaming hot mess.
The ladies have separated into Debbie and her cadre of the pretty, and the blonde, and Lisa, while the other bus has the FES. Tia, Dayanna and Teresa are upset at being Martha Dumptrucked out of the planning process and try and get the other van on speaker phone, but Debbie cuts the conference call short.
Meanwhile, Adam, Paul and Andretti show up at Chelsea Piers to test drive the car. They’re test driver chaperone is a leggy little blonde number. I wonder if this was chosen on purpose. Andretti takes off like he stole the car, and proceeds to own the little test drive set up. He comes out giving the car two thumbs up, surprise, surprise. The girls show up and get a cute guy as their chaperone . . . hrm. Debbie Gibson takes off like she’s late to her kids’ soccer game, and shows us that stereotypes will never die.
Adam starts making football jokes and then decides to create a beer commercial, which the rest of the crew points out is not what Al Borland wants.
The ladies are writing a script and Debbie, once again, dismisses everything as needing to be 20% cooler. TrumpSpawn breezes in and is disappointed that there’s no pillow fights or whips cracking. In your dreams, junior. The guys are talking to some random brunette woman I’ve never seen, and they get to deal with Ivanka. Who’s wearing a hideous pink potato sack dress with some sort of black ribbon trim that makes her look pregnant. She says something to the guys, and it goes on for a long time, but I’m temporarily struck deaf and dumb by the hideousness of her dress. I have no idea what they were talking about. Probably something about how Andretti needs to be plastered all over the place because Andretti = Cars. Again. Ugly dress trumps (ha!) everything in the room.
Rehearsal time! The guys have a stupid straight man idea that I really don’t get. I’m sure it’s really funny if you’re drunk and like to yell things at people, but that’s not me. The women are supposed to be the spirits of women who will use the car or something. I can’t say this is much better than the guys, even though I have a better understanding of the girls’ project. Aubrey’s not impressed with Debbie Gibson’s lack of . . . anything, and mentions that she was more into Tiffany. First of all, HA! Secondly, I didn’t realize that Aubrey O’Day was that old, cause Tiffany’s a blip on MY radar, and I’m older then she is. Wikipedia states that she’s only four years younger than me, so I have no idea what that means. It also reveals that, yes, she was that annoying girl with the dog and the TV show and the bad tan . . .and I really like this ginger smart girl I’m seeing on this show, rather than the annoyance with the dog from a few years ago. Keep it up, gworl!
Performance. The guy sitting in front of Debbie is cute. . . and looks like he’s been drugged. I wish I was drugged for this. Tia opens us up with a sexy librarian look that also looks like she got halfway through taking the curlers out of her hair and realized she was late for her cue. Debbie does this “yes! I’m THE Debbie Gibson” routine and tries to get everyone to remember one of her songs that no one listened to. Aubrey gets up and chokes. No, really. She starts choking and tearing up and says that the audience was crying, too. I think that was just tears of being uncomfortable. Teresa shows up with her husband and her annoying children and their GODDAMNED TUTUS. Ladies, this needs to stop. You’re daughters are NOT fairy ballerina princess dentist pirates. It’s ok to do dress up and let’s pretend, but STOP SENDING YOUR KIDS OUT IN PRINCESS OUTFITS! SRSLY! The first question they get from the audience is a real stumper about insurance or something. The ladies have no clue, but manage to pull off an answer that doesn’t completely suck. Teresa sneaks in a joke about the car coming in hot pink and leopard print, but Al Borland doesn’t get it.
Adam comes out and first tries to insult the audience, but chokes hard. Though, not like Aubrey’s “Did she or didn’t she” performance. No, he just falls on his verbal face, but gets right back up and shows us how much of a pro he is. Speaking of pros, it looks like Chris Rock’s in the audience. The celebrity heckling begins. Arsenio is weird, and Penn’s kind of funny and makes a good point about tall guys and sedans. He climbs into the trunk and then notes that Gotti’s already been sent home. I want to laugh, but I’m afraid of having a hit sent out on me. Paul and Lou are just awkward. The boys get all the stupid questions and answer them in the most sexist way possible. Afterwards, Clay makes a comment about Adam turning him on, and I go back to feeling uncomfortable.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WEIRD ASS M&M COMMERCIAL/TRAILER/MIDPOINT MARKER THING?
In the board room, the ladies are all looking good, even if Aubrey could use less spackle. Trump tries to pit everyone against each other, again, and ends up with some Arsenio bald jokes. No really, Trump, please get rid of the hair. It looks like it’s about to eat your face and run for its freedom. Trump is aghast that Andretti wasn’t chosen as PM, because, again, it’s a car thing and Trump seems to show a lack of difference between branding and managing. Lou’s feelings are still hurt. Everyone talks for about 15 minutes and I fall asleep until Adam says he won’t choose anyone because they won’t lose, and if they do, he’s ok with being fired.
The ladies take Trump’s bait and start arguing. I go grab a snack, and come back as Ivanka accuses Teresa of being fake, since she’s acting all pre-table flipping demure. The women win, and Adam’s kinda in shock. We find that Debbie’s charity is Children’s International . Really Debbie? Children’s International is the organization other street fund raisers make fun of. Plus, they allocate their funds in a weird way and I’m seriously disappointed in you. Afterwards, Debbie talks to Teresa, and it’s clear Teresa’s about to pull out the knife she’s hiding in her HUGE HAIR and cut a bitch. Aubrey’s hair just makes me want a donut.
In the board room, no one likes Lou, except Trump. All the Trumps think that Andretti should have been project manager, because, again the project manager is ALWAYS the face of the brand and . . . why does this family have all the money in the world if their making this an issue? I don’t get it. Adam refuses to put people on the chopping block, and I have to really respect him for that. Trump doesn’t, though, because in punishment, he’s going to fire TWO people to teach these celebs a lesson in . . .whatever. Adam makes a good point about how he was in charge of the decisions and Trump says, “yes, you were. You’re fired. Get out.” And just when I was starting to like Adam Corolla. Oh well.
There’s more arguing and I go and refresh my drink. TrumpSpawn bitches more about Michael not being the golden car child they all wanted him to be, and finally Trump fires him. I think it’s because there’s actually drama with Lou and the rest of the guys, and we still haven’t had a throw down. TrumpSpawn agrees and we cut to Andretti leaving this shit storm with his dignity intact. Too bad we can’t say the same thing.
