The Hollywood Caller: Newt Gingrich Would Like a Brad Pitt Transplant

Justin Timberlake is still acting or something; Showtime doesn’t want to win any awards; Kanye gets Middle Eastern; Random co-stars picked out of a hat, or a genius coupling; and Newt Gingrich wants to get pretty for you guys!

You know that little SNL warbler, ye of tiny hats and testicle-mawing falsetto — the fictional movie star, Justin Timberlake? Yes, well, apparently no studio execs anywhere, ever, in any place that resides on this planet, saw that In Time movie where we suppose Timberlake stared blankly at the wall for 90 minutes when he wasn’t making grocery lists in his head, checking his watch, or doing things people who don’t act do when cast in a movie. Obviously some people are under the assumption Justino Timberlakadoo was some sort of acting phenom in that thing about Olivia Wilde’s eyeballs and cupie doll Amanda Seyfried’s unfortunate bob haircut. Despite the opinion of every notable critic, Warner Bros will be making something called Trouble With the Curve starring Justified Timbersucks, Clint Eastwood, and Amy Adams about some sort of sports scouting or something like that. Yes, you’ve guessed it, Timberpoops will probably think he’s Tom Cruise and try to do some sort of “Show Me the Money” or “Give Me Ham!” thing to epic, colossal failure to all our quiet giggles. [Deadline]

Everyone’s three favorite shows about cavorting on sloppy, slappy, Cheerios-ridden mattresses, with copious random dong shots, a little bit of smug assholery, and Don Cheadle running around a television show doing some sort of stop-action sitcom recital complete with raunchy, oversexed diatribes and wanton butt cheeks — just got renewed by Showtime. Yes, Showtime, who has decided that the best way to defeat HBO’s Boardwalk Empire, and AMC’s Mad Men is to just crap in the bed, have sex in it, and then drink Slurpees. Showtime, fabulous network, made the glorious decision to continue churning out their not-ever critically acclaimed, STD bonafide half-hour comedies, Californication, House of Lie$, and Shameless for another season. It’s really like shoving Cheetos into your eye-sockets, but hey, some 4.75 million of you actually like Optical Cheetos, so there’s that. [THR]

There’s a new rumor that Kanye West, yes, The Kanye West is planning another short art film. It’ll sort of be like his mind-bending 30-minute music video for “Runaway,” that just spoke to the genius, misunderstood, highly-creative, and sinfully clever alien-being that is Kanye West, or it was a disjointed, weird attempt at performance art that fell sort of flat because who can take anything seriously when you screech and kvetch about everything. We can imagine a hangnail could produce the same amount of egregious over-analyzing as shown in that 30 minute chorus of mouth bleats and back-patting. Nonetheless! For his newest opus, reportedly he’ll film somewhere in the Gulf and his handlers are discussing how he wants to “bridge the cultural divide and break misconceptions” while also looking to use “local talent, or, more specifically, ‘flashy’ Sheikhs.” Yes, exactly. Flashy Sheikhs. This should be the name of an anti-Kanye West punk band. Somebody get on it. [Vulture]

Let’s talk about two very unlikely co-stars. We like grumbly, Britty-pants, Colin Firth, don’t we? He’s come such a long way from those days when he danced with retired(?) actress(?)Amanda Bynes in leather pants and an unsightly earring. He’s like a serious dude now! He’s doing movies about serious men and Kings with speech impediments! He’s probably one step away from starring in some Shakespearean melodrama directed by Kenneth Branagh. So then it’s a puzzler that he’s making a movie with Rom-Com-estress, Reese Witherspoon, she of movies with Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, and hunk-stains, Tom Hardy and Chris Pine. Yet, here we are. Firth and Witherspoon will star in Devil’s Knot a drama about the West Memphis 3. We get Firth as a grouchy PI, but we’ll have to see what Witherspoon can do as the mother of one of the victims. We’ve not seen her do many movies about victimization, and we won’t discuss that one movie with Jake Gyllenhaal. So, we’ll see what happens. At least we’re not yet talking about the latest Bridget Jones Diary movie WHICH FIRTH IS TOTALLY DOING! Sigh. [Deadline]


Hork! Brad Pitt just got asked to Prom by some gross kid. Newt Gingrich today told a radio show that he’d want Pitt to play him if Hollywood were to do a movie about his life. Hahahaha! Gulp! Yikes! Scream! Fall out of chair! Yes, um, okay. Obviously, that whole delusions of grandeur thing is a crippling mental illness in this case. When asked to elaborate, Gingrich said, “I don’t look like him at all.” Wait, wait, we feel another laugh attack about to erupt. Okay. We’ve managed to stave it off. Phew. That was close. Gingrich also noted,”He’s thinner, he’s better looking, he’s younger. But you asked me if I had anyone who could play me in a movie, why not go for Brad Pitt?” Sure, sure, that makes total and complete sense. Why not also just say Cary Grant or Rock Hudson! Well, maybe not Rock Hudson. He’s too good for you, Bubba Hut. But sure, why not go for one of the most attractive men in Hollywood so they can put all kinds of prosthetics on him so that he would remotely resemble you! That’s not a waste of time and money. No sir, not at all. Fuck this. Hey, Bubba Hut! If you’re looking for a younger doppelganger that resembles you, and who’s also an actor, why not choose one that has your EXACT FACE! [Entertainment Weekly]

Photo: Entertainment Weekly

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *