“This is only the beginning. Much love, The Princess,” reads the lipstick on the mirror. Whut? Points for using an altered RuPaul lyric, I guess. DiDa wipes the message away, explaining that she was angry that the judges weren’t seeing her for her. She says she channeled that anger into her lip-synch. Twitter was aflame last week with people praising her lip-synch, but I still feel it was way too over-the-top. Chad asks Sharon how she’s feeling about her second win. “I’m proud of myself. I showed up here thinking I’d probably be the first one home,” Ms. Needles answers. Phi Phi looks on with full stankface.
You’ve Got She-Mail
Ru appears on screen and makes several sitcom references so we know the theme this week is going to have something to do with television.
Mini Challenge
“Ladies, you are all under arrest,” RuPaul says. Cut to Latrice, of course. She takes the joke in stride. Ru explains that they’re going to be posing for mugshots. They must work in pairs. The queens quickly pair off, but then Madame La Queer and Willam wind up together by default. Willam is not thrilled. Ru adds that the queens have to paint one another… while handcuffed together. The pit crew hotties walk in looking like extras from Cruising, and they cuff the queens. “Too tight, officer,” Madame La Queer whispers seductively.
They have twenty minutes to do makeup. Willam has the idea to make it look like dye packs exploded on she and La Queer after robbing a bank. It’s a pretty clever way to stay within the twenty minute time constraint while remaining true to the theme. Most of the queens do a solid job, though Jiggly pretty much looked like she always does. At one point RuPaul references, “Excuse my beauty!” Willam and Madame La Queer wind up winning the mini challenge, which of course means they’ll be team captains for the main challenge.
Main Challenge
RuPaul explains that for the main challenge, they’ll be starring in the new sitcom, Hot in Tuckahoe. “It’s about four best squirrel-friends who keep getting arrested and sent to jail.” They’ll be in two groups headed up by the captains. “Finally, I’m not going to be picked last!” exclaims Madame. Except they’re selecting their teams randomly this time so it doesn’t even matter. Oh well. Maybe next time, Madame. The teams are:
Madame La Queer, DiDa Ritz, Sharon Needles, Kenya Michael, Milan
Willam, Jiggly Caliente, Latrice Royale, Phi Phi O’Hara, Chad Michaels.
As Team Madame La Queer gets down to casting and rehearsing, it’s clear Kenya’s grasp of the English language is going to be a problem. Milan tries desperately to insinuate herself into directing the group by asking Madame La Queer all kinds of questions. Madame La Queer decides her character should have some accent, British or vaguely European, it’s difficult to tell. Whatever it is, it’s not good.
On Team Willam, Miss Jiggly apparently has some trouble with the English language as well: she doesn’t know what horticulture means. “That’s an SAT word.” Wow. Willam gives good acting notes, and yes, she reminds us several times during this segment that she’s done television before, and she has this challenge in the bag.
RuPaul visits the workroom. She asks Latrice if she’s drawing from personal experience. “The tables are turned, baby!” she says, after explaining she was cast as the prison guard. When Ru asks Milan how Madame is doing as a director, Milan says Madame could be a little more directorial. Madame stands up for herself by saying she has written and directed her own play. Twice! Sure, Madame, and where were these plays performed? In the food court of the mall where you work?
Ru announces the guest judge who will be on set is Will & Grace co-creator, Max Mutchnick. Willam says he’s auditioned for Max before and was rejected so he’s hoping to get some redemption with this challenge.
On Team Willam, Jiggly really struggles–it’s worse than a high school play. Latrice struggles a bit, but when given notes and encouragement by Max, she really goes for it and is great. Willam gets bitchy when Max mispronounces her name, but I can’t help being amused anyway.
On Team Madame La Queer, Sharon fucks up her first line several times. Max says Kenya is “doing a one woman show out there, like a crazy person talking to herself,” and he also doesn’t like Milan. “I didn’t want to see more of her. I didn’t really care.” For an (allegedly) trained actor, Milan is not very good–maybe she’s better for the stage than the small screen. DiDa actually hits a home run–she’s a good foil for the other queens, and could conceivably be on a sitcom furrealzies. Madame La Queer is weird and horrible, it’s painful to watch. At one point, she has to deliver an “Ew!” and Max wants her to do it the way Lucille Ball was famous for doing on her show, but Madame just cannot pull it off for some reason. Of course I can’t find a clip of Lucy doing her “Ew!” on the YouTubez, but if you’re at all familiar with the show, you know the sound she makes.
As the queens get ready to walk the runway, Sharon approaches Phi Phi to clear the air about what she said on the Main Stage last week. When explaining that she felt like Phi Phi was trying to box her in, Phi Phi shoots back: “Because I told you to do something that you’re good at?” Here’s my problem with how Phi Phi has behaved toward Sharon: in one instance, she claims Sharon is talented and a strong competitor; in another instance, she puts Sharon down for only being able to do one look, one type of “spooky” drag (even though it’s abundantly clear that Sharon does more than that). You can’t have it both ways, Phi Phi. Ms. O’Hara so represents the worst things people think about drag queens, specifically the Olympic level cattiness. So, yeah, Phi Phi loses her temper and shrieks at Sharon. My shrill-o-meter exploded. They trade insults, and you know whose side I’m on in this fight (hint: Sharon!), even if I have a kernel of understanding as to why Phi Phi was upset. Was Phi Phi’s response appropriate? No.
Main Stage
The judges this week are: Michelle Visage, Billy B., Max Mutchnick and MadTV‘s Nicole Sullivan. RuPaul explains that the queens are “all dolled up for their television premiere.”
Phi Phi O’Hara: Her makeup is disgusting again. Sharon is right, Phi Phi: you are over-painted. The white dress is alright, I guess.
Latrice Royale: She looks very elegant in her one shoulder gown, her hair and makeup are great. Big ups to Latrice Royale.
DiDa Ritz: Again, she needs to figure out how to do something to soften that manly face of hers. I can’t take it. She has on a little cocktail dress, which is fine, but I don’t get red carpet/TV premiere from it.
Madame La Queer: Her green dress is an assault on my eyeballs.
Willam: She reminds us she’s wearing a Vivienne Westwood gown, and she’s right that who you’re wearing at a premiere is always of utmost importance.
Kenya Michaels: I don’t even know what to say. I don’t get TV premiere/red carpet from this, and she’s looked better in past weeks.
Chad Michaels: “Very Florence and the Machine,” Ru says. True. She definitely went in a different direction than anyone else with that high collared, stylized look and awesome red wig with bangs. She says it was meant kind of as a tribute to The Tudors. It’s the kind of costumey thing you would expect some of Hollywood’s more eccentric ladies to show up to a premiere in.
Jiggly Caliente: No. She’s a mess. She looks like one of the prostitutes who hang around Christopher Street into the wee hours on weekend nights. She is not right for this competition.
Milan: Where was this outfit last week? Her disco harem look was great, but this gown would have been perfect! Anyway, she looks good.
Sharon Needles: She does a campy old lady look/act. I get it, and she looks good, and she’s pretty funny, but I also feel she’s been stronger.
RuPaul’s Best Main Stage One-Liner: (about Jiggly Caliente) “It’s always jiggly in Philadelphia!”
RuPaul shows the footage from the main challenge. Team Madame La Queer is just bad. Team Willam is much better, and it’s no surprise they win. Latrice is named the winner of the challenge.
Lip-Synch for your Life
Madame La Queer and Milan are in the bottom and must lip-synch some Pink if they hope to stick around another week.
Milan has way more energy. Jiggly calls Madame La Queer a “pointer sister,” a drag queen who mostly just stands and points during her performance. Milan overdoes it a bit, but it’s still better than Madame La Queer’s sedate performance. Towards the end, both queens rip their wigs off, which baffles Willam: “It’s a drag show, not Wig Wars.” Milan is safe. Madame La Queer sashays away.
Untucked
We see more footage from the main challenge, and Jiggly is just so bad. She’s very lucky the rest of her teammates carried her through. Latrice says she was struggling, but Willam quashes that noise: “Oh you was Bernie Mac in a dress!”
Chad asks Phi Phi about her confrontation with Sharon Needles. She says she felt betrayed, and it was wrong to throw her under the bus. Phi Phi says she doesn’t mean to play the bitch. “You don’t play a bitch, you are one,” Latrice responds and then informs the other queens that bitch stands for: Being In Total Control of Herself. The safe queens are sent into the Gold Room for a surprise. They get to see the mugshots, which are mostly hilarious. Except for Jiggly’s, which is just boring and stupid.
On the Main Stage, Madame La Queer gets criticized for her bad casting decisions. Srsly, she expected Kenya to play butch? There are pre-school aged girls more butch than Kenya. Ru sends the queens away so she can deliberate with the judges. The queens agree with what the judges said, but Madame La Queer says she doesn’t regret her decisions. Well, you will, sweetie!
The queens in the Gold Room share coming out stories. Latrice says her brother outed her, it snowballed into a physical fight, and she made arrangements to leave California that night. Seven years went by before she spoke to her brother again. Srsly, Latrice, the fact you are alive and well says something about your will and determination. It’s one thing to hear the stats about LGBT people who are rejected by their families being at an exponentially higher risk of suicide, and it’s another to see someone talk about experiencing that, about falling further and doing time in prison, and being able to come out the other side a whole person who wants to make her life better. Latrice, you are an inspiration.
As Sharon talks to the other queens about her fight with Phi Phi, Ms. O’Hara walks into the room right as Sharon is calling her a “tired ass over painted showgirl.” There’s a half-hearted attempt to clear the air, but it’s clear the tension will remain between those two, and I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this rivalry.
C.U.N.T. and C U Next Tuesday
Charisma: Latrice Royale. I dare anyone to say she wasn’t immensely and irresistibly enjoyable both in the main challenge and on the Main Stage.
Uniqueness: Chad Michaels, whose choices for her Main Stage look really set her apart from the other queens.
Nerve: Latrice Royale. She dove into the main challenge without making it all about her and her past experiences. Her coming out story was heartbreaking, but it has proven to us once again that Ms. Royale is a survivor with plenty of nerve.
Talent: DiDa Ritz, who was a natural in the sitcom main challenge. Srsly, DiDa, you could easily have a future in television.
C U Next Tuesday: Phi Phi. Phorever.
Did you see the preview for next week’s episode? It’s time for The Snatch Game! I’m so excited!
