Last time on Dance Moms, the dance EXPLODED and everyone was forced to go to Clute, TX. Now, we’re back home and getting ready for Hollywood Vibe, which happens to be located in Pittsburgh. No long bus rides for us! Are we ready for Dance Moms? I think we are.
Before presenting the Pyramid of Shame, Abbey gives a big speech about how this is going to be an important competition. You see, unlike all those other competitions, this one is in Pittsburgh, where everyone knows of the Abbey Lee Miller Dance Studio, so it’s time to bring out the big guns. Literally, but more on that later. Onto the Pyramid! Chips is on the bottom. We’re not sure why, but apparently she was bad enough in Clute (and really, who wouldn’t be) to go from First to Worst. I think other dancers in the company deserve the title of Worst, but that’s why I’m the reviewer, not the all-star dance teacher. Nia’s still black, and is still on the bottom. Kendall joins us, either because she raises her shoulders, or because her mom yelled at Abbey about a dress. Take your pick. Maddie finished us off, because she fell, and therefore she is a failure. Way to go, Abbey Lee Miller, you teach these kids some very important lessons about life. Chloe is our Susan Lucci of the group, and is on the second tier. Brooke joins her, which means Paige is on top! Everyone’s happy! This also means that Paige is back in the oh-so important trio that we never saw a thing of last season.
The big group number is going to be something about private eyes, or private lives, or whatever. The important thing is that the girls will be dancing with guns, which sends the moms into a tizzy. Let me take a moment to say that 1) I’m a boy, 2) I grew up in Texas and 3) I don’t have kids, so I don’t get why kids playing with toy guns is such a big deal. You guys can argue that in the comments if you want.
Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, Not Kylie is being bitchy, again, only now, everyone’s giving it right back. She makes a point about how Kendall should be in the trio again, and Principal Mom points out that Nia’s been with the group longer and is NEVER in the trio. Not Kylie doesn’t get why the other moms don’t like her.
So she buys the school a bench. Abbey, seeing exactly what’s going on, immediately points out that “You know everyone’s going to hate you.” What she doesn’t say is that it’s not going to get Kendall any special treatment. We zoom in on the plaque to see that Not Kylie has engraved her and her daughter’s names on the thing. And I realize I’ve been spelling Kendall’s name wrong. The other moms come in and are not pleased with this new bribe. In fact, Disco Ball tells Not Kylie that she should storm out so that everyone can talk about her. Heh.
Practice starts and the moms are not pleased with Abbey, who’s in a take no prisoners mode. Every mistake earns the girls push-ups (have you done yours today?). Not Kylie, of course, pops her head in to critique Abbey’s lack of use of Kendall. Abbey quickly informs her that she needs to take her daughter home and get all Gelsey Kirkland with her. That is, make her do splits on the stair, and sleep in turn out and other fun forms of torture like that.
During the trio rehearsal, Abbey is second guessing herself with Paige, who keeps messing up, and is getting worse and worse, the more that Abbey rages at her, until Paige finally breaks down. Outside, Abbey informs the moms that they need to let HER handle everything, including yelling at their daughters, who are currently crying into their mothers’ shoulders. Way to go, Abbey. Kendall watches on in total Eve Harrington mode, just waiting for her chance. There’s more yelling and the moms leave to trudge home in the snow, while Abbey calls everyone White Trash. Except Bitch Mom, who totally drinks the Abbey Lee Miller Kool-Aid and doesn’t understand why the other kids can’t just act like her darling angel.
The next day, the moms approach Abbey about the guns, again, and Abbey once again shoots them down. During practice, everyone’s doing the Abbey Lee Miller Rhythmic Gymnastics form of lyrical, and we find out that Maddie needs to work harder, which is why she’s on the bottom this week. Kendall’s the music girl, which puts Not Kylie into a rage, ignoring the fact that that’s exactly what Paige was doing when she wasn’t in the trio. Not Kylie storms into to complain that she wants her daughter to DANCE. Abbey explains that this is practice, not class.
Hollywood Vibe!! Why is Chips here? She’s all dressed up, and isn’t in anything. Chloe does her solo and is wonderfully spot on. She’s extremely emotive and connecting with the piece. Maddie comes out and does her Smize routine, though I see it drop a few times, and that’s the dancer I want her to be. The trio comes out and immediately, the spacing is off. Abbey dismisses them as completely sucking at life, and hangs her head in shame.
Chloe gets second place for her solo, and Maddie gets first. The trio gets second place, and Abbey informs us that everyone knows that second place is really first place loser. I say, at least it’s first place something.
Backstage in the Aqua Net and Wet-n-Wild Hair and Make Up Room, the moms wonder why Abbey can’t be a little nicer. Abbey explains (aka shouts) that being nice enables the kids to . . . well, we don’t get WHAT it enables the kids to do. Just that being nice is not her shtick, and if it worked for her, it’s gonna work for their kids. While she’s yelling, it turns out that Nia can’t find her hair clip, and Abbey changes tirades and fires away with one about how costumes are extremely important, and this one was specially chosen. Well, except for when they aren’t, like in Clute.
The gun routine starts and the girls are in short gold trench coats and brandishing gold guns. It’s cute and very Bond girl. Unfortunately, it wasn’t good enough to win first place. Chloe is confused because they had guns. I’m confused too. Back in the ANAWNWHAMUR, most of the moms are sort of contrite, halfway apologizing to Abbey for doubting the gun routine. Abbey is not a gracious winner and berates them for constantly not listening to her. Not Kylie pips up to wonder why she’s not teaching better, aka giving more time to Kendall. Abbey uses this as another time to scream about how she creates employable dancers (ha!) not competition dancers (another HA! Also, why all the competitions then? The ballet studio I used to train at was known for feeding into a major school/studio in its hey-day, and we NEVER went to competitions). However, all is well, because she has something special in mind for Kendall. And that’s where we end it.
Unfortunately, the next week previews inform us that the special thing is that Kendall’s back on probation. Way to spoil your own show, Lifetime! Join us next week on Ladies Who Yell!
