Previously on Dance Moms! There were guns! And trench coats! And yelling! Well, the moms have confiscated the guns and we’re ready to move on. Join us after the jump.
We start out with the Pyramid of Shame, but before we REALLY start, we find out that we’re going to Kings Landing to participate in the Dance of Ice and Fire. Ok, ok, it’s Fire and Ice and it’s in Pittsburgh, and Abby has a reputation to maintain. I’m just excited for Season 2 of A Game of Thrones.
Kendall’s on the very bottom, because she’s now back on probation. This infuriates her mom, who immediately starts digging into Abby, since this is more about Jill then it is about Kendall. By the way, Abby stole Marlo Thomas’ “That Girl” hair for her look today. Abby informs us that she doesn’t wake up in the morning with the intention to hurt a child’s feelings. She waits until after breakfast. Jill grabs Kendall and storms out, vowing to leave the Abby Lee Miller dance studio and find a place that appreciates her and Kendall. That kid’s really going to need therapy.
Paige joins us on the bottom, since she couldn’t remember the trio. Brooke is also there because she’s mopey and whiny and acting like a teenager, except we’ve never seen this since she’s been back. Chips is on the bottom because she needs more ballet training. On the second tier, our perennial Susan Lucci, Chloe, holds steady. Maddie joins her, so that Abby can pretend that she’s not playing favorites. Which means that Nia’s on the top. Everyone starts cheering and Holly just beams. It’s a great moment. It gets even better since Nia’s going to be doing a solo AND it has nothing to do with her ethnicity! Finally! The group number is about getting married, which is what you do when you’re 9. Abby keeps making passive aggressive (what else?) comments about Melissa, and it turns out that she’s engaged, but wants to keep it hush hush.
Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the ladies talk about how the dads will be giving the daughters away, and about Jill leaving. Christi isn’t shocked, and felt this flounce was in the works. While Melissa is pining for her friend, she gets a text from Jill. Only, she announces it really weird. Everyone’s talking about if Jill will be back and then it’s just announced that there’s a text, but in a dramatic but deadpan manner. Anyway, Jill is committing the mortal sin of a text message break up. Christi says I told you so and refers to Jill as a studio hopper. This rather explains why she hasn’t just told Abby off and taken her daughter to the Pittsburgh Ballet School (no really, the son of my old ballet teacher works there. It’s a good school).
Jill and Kendall are in the car, and Jill’s explaining to Kendall why they’re leaving. She actually makes sense, which is a little weird, especially dealing with what just happened and how she stormed out. HOLY CRAP SHE’S GOING TO CANDY APPLES! There’s hasn’t been enough Cathy on this show. I think that’s about to change.
Back at the ranch, Abby is helping Chips stretch, while Chloe and Maddie get ready and Abby “accidentally” spills the beans that she knows that Melissa is engaged. Chloe tells Abby that she loves the “story” of how it happened and then leaves the room before Abby can say anything else. I love Chloe. She’s got some sass in there. Abby corners Chips and tries to get her to fess up, but Chips refuses to tell Abby what happened since Abby’s a “blabbermouth.” HA!
The moms decide to go all Muriel’s Wedding for inspiration for costume ideas. Melissa keeps talking about what she’d do if she got married again, and nixes the idea of getting a new dress. Everyone rolls their eyes, since we all know it’s an act. Christi tries to convince Kelly to try on a dress, to which Kelly informs, well, everyone, that she’s not wearing underwear. And you straight men think there’s nothing in this show for you!
We’re at Candy Apples!! I’m so excited!! Kendall’s hesitant about being used as a pawn, but Cathy comes out with her biggest smile. She points out that it’s ok to walk through the studio in their street shoes because they have a cleaning lady. FYI, talking off your street shoes before entering a dance studio is more about not grinding gravel into the floor, rather than being about a mess. Kendall auditions for Cathy, and does a decent looking split leap. Cathy automatically gives her a solo, and Jill is pleased.
Our wedding number is considered a “novelty” number and Abby makes a big deal about saying the word “nosegay” and that the girls might be wearing garters. Because reminders of sex go really well with nine year olds. Also, the dads are supposed to be giving away their daughters to the world of dance rather than to a husband, because men are pigs. Except Justin Beiber, as Chips points out.
In the DMPAL, there’s lots of talk about who Melissa’s going to bring, and she says no one, while offering up her old wedding dress, since she won’t need it, hint hint. Eyeroll.
At Candy Apples, Jill meets the other Dance Moms, who all seem very nice, if a little granola. They offer her food and sparkling apple cider. There’s more of the tortured apple motif. Cathy’s really nice to Kendall during their practice time, and even has a point about being nice to kids as a teacher. The granola moms are all wondering why Jill left, and she’s very frank with them. Meanwhile, Cathy asks Kendall who’s on top of the pyramid, and the look on her face when she finds out it’s Nia is priceless.
Back in the DMPAL, the moms over-share about Melissa’s over-sharing. We find out that she shaves everything, but won’t talk about being engaged. Again, straight guys! Something for everyone!
Time to head to Fire and Ice, and Abby’s brought her little dog, too. Apparently, everyone knows Abby and everyone hates Abby. Including me. While they’re signing in, the Candy Apples show up, and Vivi’s wearing a crazy sequined hat. Jill’s nervous about confrontation, while the little Apples get ready in the Aqua Net and Wet’n’Wild Hair and Make-Up Salon. “We do wings and rhinestones, “ Cathy tells her. Also, purple eye shadow. Apparently, the Candy Apples are taking make up lessons from Phi Phi O’Hara. There’s no screaming and crying, but there IS purple eye-shadow on someone wearing an orange costume.
The Apples run into Abby, and everyone is upset and nervous, but in a quiet way. As in, they don’t want to make a fuss, but will still give each other pointed looks. Christi thinks that Jill traded Freddie for Jason. Afterwards, the moms have a girl meeting in the bathroom. Anyone have change for a tampon?
Out in the hall, Kendall and Nia meet up and have a polite conversation despite competing against each other. I’m glad someone’s acting like an adult. Nia performs her solo, and it’s wonderful. Ok, first of all, her costume is nice, and not something “ethnic.” Next, her mother is on cloud nine and it’s killing me, in a completely wonderful way. We even see a clip of her dad, and it’s probably the sweetest moment I’ve seen on this show. She also does a really nice cabriole, just to point that out.
Kendall does her solo, and I’m just glad her shoulders are relaxed. Abby freaks out that she’s doing Abby’s routine (but never makes the claim that she taught it to Kendall . . .) and is wearing Abby’s costume, despite the fact that we’ve seen neither of these before.
Backstage, it turns out that Christi’s husband can’t make it, and we already know that none of the men in Melissa’s life can make it, so I’m not sure where the dads are going to be. Melissa is suddenly excited about wedding costume and weddings in general, which goes against the way she’s been acting the ENTIRE EPISODE. Let’s take a moment to talk about the costumes. They’re white hot pants with a corseted sports bra, garters, a veil and a bustle. It’s very Britney circa 2003’s VMA. We do get to see Brooke and Paige’s dad, but I’m not sure where any of the dads are going to be since they’re all in the audience. Oh, it was a symbolic thing. The group number’s not too bad and everyone dances together, which is a positive thing. I’d say it’s because Kendall wasn’t there, but she’s actually been pretty good about dancing with the group.
The Candy Apples come out and IT’S AMAZING. No, really. First of all, it’s supposed to be a funeral. There’s even a coffin on the stage. A COFFIN, FOLKS!! You can’t make this up. I’m already excited! Then, the girls come out wearing black dresses and short veils and everyone’s holding lilies. It’s all very stylish and Mad Men. I view this funeral as a way to put to rest the dead spirit of Martha Graham, who, for those who’ve been following, has possessed the body of Vivi a few episodes back. All the girls go “Martha Graham! Martha Graham! Martha Graham! Pirouette!” while Vivi runs around being chased by Mini Carrot Top. That sound you heard is me spontaneously exploding from delight.
Awards time! Abby’s bridal extravaganza wins overall grand supreme or something. Seriously, the awards on Toddlers and Tiaras make more sense. Kendall’s solo wins first place, and we cut to a very disappointed Holly. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see if Nia placed, since the next shot is of Holly comforting Nia backstage. Evan comes in and also comforts Nia, and we get a chance to see what is probably the best example of decent parenting that exists in the world of reality TV. Whatever else happens, I’m totally routing for this family. That is, until Abby comes in and informs everyone that there’s no crying in dance. Showgirls would beg to differ.
In the ANWNWHMUS, Jill gets presented with her very own Candy Apples Bedazzled Jean Jacket. No probation time for this one! Holly takes Nia home, but not before letting Abby know that she is VERY disappointed in the way things played out today. Only, she does it in that same calm, collected voice that my mother has. You know the one. That one that says that she’s in total control, and doesn’t have to raise her voice at all, but Young Man, we are very disappointed and we will just have to discuss this when we get home. Afterwards, Abby and Cathy run into each other in the hall and stare each other down. Abby brings up the costume/dance routine, which is funny since I think that if that REALLY was the case, she’d have been on the judges the moment that dance was over. Cathy makes fun of Abby’s choreography (someone had to) and leaves.
Next time on Dance Moms! Cathy tries to steal Chloe, and Abby makes sure that Dance Moms get the Pedobear seal of Approval!
