It’s the day after St. Valentine’s Day, and I hope all of you had something extra special yesterday. My single self was on the couch with cold medicine and Dance Moms. Because I love you, that’s why. Last time on Dance Moms. There was screaming! And everyone was mediocre! Run the credits and we’re in Pittsburgh. I love the way the rivers merge!
So, everyone’s in trouble for their boring performances last week, which brings us to the Pyramid of Shame. Kendel starts us out, and Abbey makes it clear that Kendel is being punished for her mother’s behavior. I’m starting to feel for this girl. She’s such a mouse that I have a feeling she’s just going to internalize everything and is going to be a nervous wreck by the time she’s 35. Nia continues her streak of being a black girl. Brooke and Paige round us out on the bottom. Maddie’s in the middle again, along with Always a Bridesmaid Chloe. Chips is on top of the POS for being so damn cute. Her pigtails make her look like Tickled Pink from Rainbow Brite, but maybe that’s the cold meds kicking in.
Time to get ready for Dance EXPLOSION! There will be no group routine as everyone’s doing a solo. We get no explanation but I suspect that Abbey’s rather tired of random moms pulling their daughters out of this and that. The other catch is that the moms have to make the costumes, and they have to be something completely new. Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the moms commiserate about this new twist. Not Kylie decides to sneak in something from a former studio and the other moms try to warn her that Abbey sees and knows all. Also, Brunette gets upset because Not Kylie was allowed to wear her boots into the studio, though everyone else has to take their shoes off. Dance Trivia: always remove your street shoes before entering a dance studio, so you don’t track stuff in that mars the floor and messes up the dancers’ shoes.
We jump to the Candy Apples dance studio. Kathy has her own power point pyramid, except that we’re all winners and it’s not really a pyramid. Even little Vivi-anne and Carrot Top are winners! We’re also copy cats, since Kathy thinks we need to have an audition for a new dancer, simply because that’s what Abbey did. Candy Apples exists only to be a mirror to the Abbey Lee Miller dance studio, I guess.
Back at the ranch, Maddie’s practicing her solo, and she’s not smizing, and I rather like her. She looks more human and more approachable. Teenographer practices with Kendel, and it looks really boring. Not Kylie watches on and thinks that Nia just sucks and has nothing to add to the team, and I wonder if I labeled the wrong mom as “Bitch Mom.” I also think it’s time for Nia to bust out with the death drop again.
Candy Apples Open Auditions! It’s late and everyone’s lining up outside, like this is a thing. Well, maybe it is. Another way to get on TV. Go fame whoring! Peyton and her mom show up, and New Mom is gung ho that we’re going to stick it to the Abbey Lee Miller dance studio. Peyton’s more apprehensive, and doesn’t like being dragged into this. She doesn’t tower over the other people auditioning, so there’s that. It’s a really sexy dance, and . . . come on. I get that dance is often about sex, but really people. Watching 13 year old girls in bikini tops doing their best sexy walk and striking a pose is NOT classy. This doesn’t have to be all fairies and lollipops. There’s a happy medium. Kathy goes into full politician mode, and wants Peyton. Peyton doesn’t want to be a pawn in Kathy’s games and gets berated by both her mom and Kathy, only Kathy does it in her really freaky nice voice, and finally tells both of them to get out. New Mom takes her daughter and her Madame Rose’s Toreadorables routine back to the road.
At the DMPAL, Principal Mom is upset because she didn’t sign onto Project Runway, while the other moms are bedazzling all the hot pants they can find. Abbey comes up to get all Tim Gunn on their projects and just vetoes everything like the world’s most clueless and annoying artistic director. As she finishes haranguing everyone about their craptacular costumes, the phone rings. It’s Dance Explosion calling to say that the dance exploded and there will be no more dancing. No other explanation. I wonder if this is like when you tell someone that the party was “cancelled” because you don’t want them to show up. Abbey freaks out, because this was the LAST DANCE COMPETITION EVER until next week. She starts calling everyone she knows until she finds a competition in Clute, Tx. Really. Really? Are we that desperate to dance? Clute, TX, we’re told is outside of Galveston. It’s not, really, even if it technically is part of the Houston metropolis. It’s almost halfway between Galveston and Port Lavaca. It’s the start of the long strip of the Gulf Coast that sucks you dry until you finally give up and disappear into the black hole of Corpus Christi.
The crew arrives in Clute to find out that the competition is being held in a gym. No stage, no spots, just dance. How low budget. Abbey spot checks everyone’s costume and warns them about the floor. Note: everyone’s going to complain about how slippery the floor is. This is an easy fix, and any dancer who’s had to take ballet in a tap or a modern studio knows what I’m talking about. I’m more concerned that the floor isn’t sprung, or at least, not as much as the girls need.
Brook brought her A game and is in a pretty floaty leotard-dress thing. Clips of tacky tacky Texas dancers. Chips does her routine in a slutty Queen of Hearts outfit, and is totally confused by the gym floor. I can tell I’m going to get sick of this.
Backstage, Not Kylie is yelling that she brought a costume, and yes, it was made by someone else, because she’s not “Becky Home Ecky” which kind of makes me laugh. Abbey yells that she’s not having her dancers go out in costumes that someone, somewhere has seen before. There’s more yelling. I’m confused by this. It seems so put upon. Why can’t Not Kylie just lie? Instead, she throws a fit and storms off. Kendel sits around looking confused. I sense therapy in her future. A lot of therapy.
Abbey then notices that Nia’s sitting on a heating pad, and proceeds to give her the worst medical advice ever. Using your turnout should not make your back and hips hurt. It might make your inner thighs sore, but back and hip pain is different. Nia starts to break down. The really sad thing is that her mom doesn’t just ask her what’s wrong; since it turns out she’s scared of the floor, and was totally ignoring Abbey. See, this is an easy fix. Get a towel, get it wet, tap your shoe lightly on the wet spot. Presto! Instant fix. Unless your shoes have theater rubber, in which case you shouldn’t be too worried. Or you’re going barefoot, which Nia is. She nails it, and everyone’s happy.
While we’re watching more tacky, tacky Texas dancers, Not Kylie caves and says yes to the dress, and rushes to get Kendel on stage. Kendel is boring and doesn’t relax her shoulders. Chloe dances in a slutty tutu to some fake Coldplay music. I’d like to point it out that what she is doing is NOT ballet. Maddie does her best bee-sting lips and comes out for her Spanish number, which is fresh from the dance halls in Jackson Heights. We get Injury Slow Mo cam, which is really annoying because it comes so late, and the commercials acted like this was going to be a BIG EVENT, not something thrown in at the 50 minute mark. Maddie’s upset because she didn’t dance perfectly, and thus Abbey will yell at her. Abbey doesn’t yell, but does berate her for second guessing herself and thus falling. This is while Maddie’s on the table with the nurse. Way to go, Abbey!
Paige goes on before some kid from Kingwood, where my ex-boyfriend is from. Somewhere, Paige developed a personality and is dancing her little heart out. We see more hairography, along with a lot of empire waisted dresses.
Brooke places third, Chloe gets second, and Paige gets first. Everyone’s cheering and happy, and there’s a moment where Bitch Mom gets REALLY excited and cheery, and I kind of wonder how much of the bitch routine is acting/producers/editors.
We leave Clute with Not Kylie thinking she has a big choice to make. Whatever. Next time, the girls dance in gold trench coats with gold guns. I can’t wait.
