Last time on the Celebrity Apprentice, everyone ate sandwiches. You know, the pre-made kind with the soggy lettuce and withered tomatoes. We won’t have to worry about wilted lettuce this week, because we’re going to Medieval Times! Oh frabjous joy!
The Trump instructs our celebrities to pick project managers for putting on a show at Medieval Times. The ladies pick Lisa, probably because she’s the loudest. The men pick Penn since he’s got experience with putting on a show. Adam Carolla is at a wedding, so we don’t have to deal with his over the top misogynistic nerd routine. You know the rules – the winning team gets money!
After talking over each other, because you know, they’re women and this is totally not a set up by the producers, they decide to do something current and give it a medieval twist. Since they have Our Lady of the Table Flipping and Ever Expanding Last Name, they decide to do a parody of the Real Housewives of Wherever and call it “The Unreal Housewives of Camelot.” History experts, these ladies are not. Apparently, none of them are housewives though, since they’re all vying for the attention of Sir Donald of Trump. Yes, you read that right.
Diana Spanish Lady gets unnecessary subtitles because she’s Spanish, and therefore has an accent that NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND. Meanwhile, Aubrey O’Day pulls a Milan and tries to insert herself as Project Manager. Teresa can flip a table, so she’ll be doing that. Tia looks like whore, so she’ll be playing a whore but in a family friendly way. Everyone thinks Victoria should play the Queen, but Lisa decides to make her the “creative director” without further explanation. Naturally, Victoria’s unhappy.
Jump to the men, and we find out that Dee Snyder will be in drag…again. We don’t get much of the story arch, but we do find that everyone will be playing to their strengths. Penn will do tricks, Arsenio will make lame jokes about the early 90s, Clay Aiken will give your grandmother palpitations, and George Takei will do something Star Trek related.
We switch back to the ladies who are trying on costumes and still talking over each other. Yes, show, I get it. Women are silly and unable to work well with each other because all they know how to do is squabble over clothes and yell at each other. One more reason why this show should be called “Donald Trump is an Ass.” While they’re all talking over each other, Lisa flips out and starts screaming. All the ladies shut up and let her vent for a while.
The guys are sitting around waiting for rehearsal and talking about Clay Aiken’s American Idol time and how he lost to that other guy. Then James Lipton shows up and is immediately accosted by everyone asking him why they haven’t been invited on his show. He calms them down and they finally pitch their show.
Meanwhile, Teresa is using fight practice as another therapy session about Danielle from RHONJ. She also informs us that yes, they’re real and they’re spectacular. Only, no. Wait. They’re not real. Well, they’re real as in they exist and are paid for. In walks the son of Donald Trump. While he’s talking, we keep getting shots of Aubrey, who’s hair clashes horribly with her fur coat. No, that is not a euphemism. Trump Spawn has perfected his dad’s form of Non-Speak and no one has a clue what he says.
The men are practicing their swordplay. Again, that is not a euphemism. Dee Snyder informs us that during medieval times, there were gladiatorial games (is that right?) so they stage a fight. The fight choreographer’s assistants are TOTALLY hot in a fencing club sort of way. All the other guys get upset, because Lou wants to just swing his sword around (not a euphemism), and everyone else wants to go back to practicing their lines.
Back with the ladies, Lisa keeps insisting that Victoria won’t be out performing, and really doesn’t get why Victoria might get upset with this. We switch to Debbie Gibson talking about something, but her chunky is distracting to listen. All the women start talking about Shakespeare, and I start to cry. It also turns out that Victoria can’t spell the word “medieval.” All the women rehearse and Victoria just sits there and stews.
Paul Sr., it turns out, has brought his own fantasy motorcycle. It has chainmail and dragon scales and swords and whatever. The men stand around it doing that thing that men do. You know exactly what I’m talking about. They head inside to start dress rehearsal, which George Takei takes to mean being in costume. Clay Aiken is less than impressed that someone else gets to be the Queen.
During the women’s dress rehearsal, Lisa gets more and more upset with Victoria’s sound and lighting, and inability to print out the right script. She finally wishes that she was the director, and I wonder, why the hell she’s not because she’s the project manager. The ladies continue to talk over each other.
The men rehearse and Clay is afraid of Lou’s raw masculinity. Dee Snyder looks exactly as you’d imagine him. George Takei keeps flubbing lines, which angers Clay, who takes it out on a tambourine, since he’s playing Sir Robin in this production. This seems to spook Dee Snyder’s horse, and since he’s riding side-saddle, he falls off, breaking his finger on the way down. Instead of going to the hospital, he decides to stick it out. We’re treated to tacky Jersey people doing tacky things at Medieval Times.
The show starts. After some random guy on a horse, Penn and Arsenio warm up the crowd. Arsenio is dressed like Flava Flav minus the clock and tries to get the audience to remember that he had a show back in the day. Paul Sr. comes out on his hog and all the 5 year old boys plotz, thinking they’ve been transported to a monster truck rally. Aiken does his thing and the crowd goes mild. The show ends and Trump Spawn looks bored.
The ladies start and Dayanna looks less like Lady Godiva and more like an unfinished costume. Lisa waits for a sound cue that never happens. There’s lots of fighting and costume malfunctions and finally Teresa flips the table over. Aubrey comes out dressed as Snooki and everyone in New Jersey facepalms. The audience gets to vote on the winner, and are apparently using left over feather pens from every hideous wedding ever.
Somehow, we still have an hour left on the show. This does not bode well.
A talking M&M brings us into the second half, and I’m still not sure if that was a commercial or not. Donald acts like he didn’t watch any of the performances. Victoria looks like the female Gelfling from the Dark Crystal. Debbie Gibson is channeling the ghost of Jennifer Grey. Teresa keeps up with the lie that reality TV isn’t scripted. I rather like Aubrey O’Day’s hair. What? Leave me alone.
Dee Snyder is still nursing his broken finger, and either it throbs when he puts it down, or he’s trying to garner sympathy. All the guys say they were impressed with Penn as a project manager, but Trump tries to break up this love fest. He asks Penn who should go home, and Penn says he won’t dodge the question and then immediately dodges the question. Trump forces and answer out of him, and he says George and Lou. Lou immediately goes INCREDIBLE HULK as Trump sits back, having sufficiently stirred things up. We spend about 15 minutes yammering and going back and forth, and Jimmy cracked corn and I really don’t care.
The women have already been forming sides, so we’re already prepared for a shitstorm. Lisa hates Victoria. Trump hits on Aubrey and wonders if that’s sexist. Everyone talks over each other. We get it. In fact, the only person not talking is Teresa, who’s put on her demure pre-table flipping face.
It turns out that the men won, again, though this time based on actually doing something and not mysterious anonymous donations.
We kill another 15 minutes watching the men talk to each other. Way to go show. We’ve wasted 45 minutes on pointless bickering! Which there’s going to be more of as the ladies try to decide who’s going home. Lisa, after hemming and hawing for ages, decides on Dayanna and Victoria. Meanwhile, the men are playing “hot or not” while watching the women. Clay puts Aubrey on the “not” pile, which is funny in an of itself but also because no one contradicts him.
Back in the board room, Lisa keeps acting like the creative director is the most important person in the world, yet she never once pitched it to Victoria that way. While they’re yelling at each other, Dayanna sits back, trying to not look confident that she’s safe. Lisa starts crying and Trump makes an immediate decision to fire Victoria. In fact, it was so easy that I REALLY have to wonder why it took us an hour to get to this damn point. Cue the sad music. Victoria’s hair magically curls, and then straightens again, as she gets into her car and leaves with a curse for Lisa.
