Canada, Seriously, It’s F*cking Huge

Canada is very big. Really. It’s also cold. Really. Despite this, small parts of the country are liveable for portions of the year, and tolerable for the rest when properly fortified with alcohol. We boast rainforests, prairies, mountains, and, well, snow. There’s a lot of snow.

Maritimes and Newfoundland

Towards the eastern end of the country a (likely very lost) traveller will encounter the Maritimes. The provinces of New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, and Nova Scotia, as well as the nearby province of Newfoundland and Labrador, are rich in history, and parts are among the oldest settled regions of the country. The residents speak a language not entirely unlike English and are charming and welcoming, if unintelligible.

Sitting nearby, or in, the Atlantic the Maritimes have a strong seafaring tradition, with generations growing up to catch lobster, fish for cod, or engage in piracy. The land is patched with hills, forests, and farms, the red soil of PEI being particularly conducive to the virulent growing of potatoes.

The geography of Newfoundland and Labrador remains something of a mystery, however. Scientists speculate it consists of rocks, trees, and enough bays and inlets to satisfy any itinerant Vikings wandering the area, but the famous fogs have thus far scuttled all attempts at ascertaining this for certain.

Central Canada – Quebec and Ontario

Progressing westward, one enters Central Canada, comprising the provinces of Quebec and Ontario.  Moderated by the St. Lawrence River and the Great Lakes, the climate of the southernmost parts of this area are temperate, and almost comfortable. Until winter, at which point it’s just as miserable as the rest of the country. Much of the Canadian population, and most French-speakers, reside here, packed as far south as is practical without picking up a Georgian accent.

Farms dot the land, and wineries are even possible in some locations. Move north, and one encounters a stunning, cool, expanse of trees, more trees, trees, and rocks. Wineries are less frequent. Known as the Canadian Shield, much of northern Central Canada was scraped clean to the bedrock by prehistoric glaciers, leaving behind a network of lakes, streams, and a thin soil which supports rich forests, lumberjacks, and associated wildlife.

Prairies and Western Canada

Pushing ever farther on, our traveller will encounter the province of Manitoba. Undeterred by this, they might also discover the provinces of Saskatchewan, Alberta and British Columbia. Sweeping westward from Manitoba across Saskatchewan and Alberta lie the prairies: a vast, flat, dry, expanse of utterly level land. Renowned for their uninteresting, entirely horizontal, character, the prairies are perfect for the growing of barley, lentils, and wheat. Also uninteresting.

Towards the edge of Alberta rise the aptly named Rocky Mountains, and past, through, and on top of them, the province of British Columbia – home to the wettest, and arguably most congenial (provided you like damp), weather in Canada. Ancient temperate rainforests of mighty trees, wreathed in mist and bong smoke, hug the coast and are justly famous. The atmosphere is conducive to wine, fruit growers and hippies.

Northern Canada – Nunavut, Yukon and the Northwest Territories

What has captured the imagination far more than any of these landscapes, what has bound itself intrinsically to the very core of the Canadian psyche, is the North. And it`s cold. Really, really, cold. Except in the summer, when it`s warm(ish), and full of bugs. Lots, and lots, of bugs.

As you move north the trees grow smaller and smaller. More of the ground underneath is permafrost – soil frozen below 0 degrees centigrade. Not ideal for trees. Instead, the southernmost reaches of the North, when not covered by snow, are awash in grass, scrub, bog, and flies. Until it`s covered by snow again. As if that wasn`t enough, for part of the year there is no night, just 24 hours of day. And for another, no day, just night. Northern Canada has difficulty selling itself as a retirement destination.

Farther north still is an archipelago of islands large and small. Much of this is covered by a glacial ice cap, foiling every well-bearded explorer who was sure he knew a shortcut to China. Thanks to global warming, some see a passage opening year round in the distant future. Opinions differ over whether or not this is a good thing.

And the end, the top, at the very tip, stretches Ellesmere Island, and at its apex lies the northernmost settlement in Canada: Alert. Home to a military base keeping watch in case of a sneak attack by the Soviets. Or possibly militant narwhales. And that’s it. Canada. Told you it was big.

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