We’ve learned today that Michele Bachmann, our favorite Admiral in the fight for America’s freedom, hopefully wrestled away from the dirty Kenyan while using the Ronald Reagan sword of mercy and defiance, will be ending her campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. A crushing defeat in Iowa last night sealed her fate, and really made it rather ridiculous to continue, but the biggest loser here is us, those of us who will miss her contribution to the world of politics — and by extension comedy.
Truly we will miss her. No, not her politics. That was an insane bunch of hullabaloo. We’ll never miss that, but the deluded countenance and overzealous eyeballs, the crazed with delight way she said Obamacare, and Librul, and Amurica. Yes, those things and more made up all that was Bachmann. These are the things we’ll remember, fondly, and with the comedic reverence it deserves. It was like one big talking points stew of GOP madness that was so completely entertaining in its fervor and intensity, that we’ve never seen anything like it. It was like watching a coyote chase a small animal in the forest. Pants-crappingly frightening to say the least. She was blinded by it, and so were we.
No matter the challenge, Bachmann strived for success. There is nothing like watching the flapping of a dedicated fish trying to swim upstream in a lake of goofy dingbattery; Bachmann won our hearts every time. No one did it like she did, from yelling about HPV vaccines for infants, and decrying that the Morning After Pill are really abortions sold in candy wrappers for ten year-olds, yes, Bachmann truly was only thinking about the good, fine people of this country. Protecting your loins, governing your loins, watching your loins, discussing your loins, well, you know, this is a GOP favorite past time, and Bachmann was one of our special champions.
Now, though, she will return to Congress, where she will continue to tackle the evils of public assistance, SOCIALISMNESS, and attempt to trample on the rights of everyone choosing, unlike her, to marry the gayest person of their choice. But lest we forget, she is a fighter, and plans to make it her personal mission to fight Obama’s policies — from Congress where she will not be president, where she won’t be leader of the free world, where she won’t have access to the White House gym to do her Zumba routine, or fly Air Force One, or utilize Secret Service, or have the ability to call Marcus The First Husband like he so wished for. Yes, none of this will happen. She’ll just have to settle for yelling at Obama from her office where she will bluster and stutter her disdain, and her fury, at least until she gets sleepy.
Good luck, Shelly!
Post your fondest memories of Michele Bachmann in the comments. Pictures are great, personal anecdotes, fantastic! Really, we just want to hear how Michele Bachmann changed your life. You may even tell us in poem or song.
