Mighty South Carolina has spoken! The filth encrusted pig men of Iowa chose Romney Santorum! The flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Romney! Now, the salt-encrusted shimp-herds of South Carolina get to close the deal and pick the real nominee, Willard “Inevitable” Romney! Oh, hell, they picked loathsome space-creature Newton Leroy Gingrich. This screws up everything. South Carolina basically fell on the floor and started jabbering like Rick Moranis in “Ghostbusters.”
The GOP campaign traditionally starts with Iowa’s Over-Pig rising from a hog-farm shit-lagoon and anointing a candidate with his corn-scepter. This year, the squealing pig men dumped the traditional waste-encrusted Gatorade cooler full of victory ethanol over the head of Willard “10k” Romney, who won by only eight pig-votes.
The next stop in the ridiculous GOP rodeo is in New Hampshire, where Romney cobbled together a coalition of flinty maple-miners of the rural maple-barrens and urban Manchester perfumed dandies to win fairly convincingly. That’s two in a row—unprecedented. Even man-god Ronald Reagan never accomplished such a feat, and he was governor of a real state, not a liberal-infested northeastern cess-hole like Romney’s Taxachusetts. If Romney could go three in a row, he would become a super-man-god, like two Reagans wrapped in Captain America — a veritable turducken of unlimited power!
The Iowa pig men have their own foul-smelling, inhuman agenda, so sometimes they pick oddballs. Iowa is often where candidates go to Peak Too Soon. New Hampshiroids sometimes like to be contrarian assholes too, and poke the eventual nominee in the eye with a stick. South Carolina, though–they always pick the nominee. You can have two candidates come in with 1-1 records, one of them wins South Carolina, and rolls that 2-1 record on to the nomination. The other guy goes from being A Very Serious Candidate With Momentum from Iowa or New Hampshire to being a hapless jackass loser, with a big novelty greeting card from the RNC saying “Better Luck Next Time! See you in four years!” But nobody has EVER come into South Carolina 2-0, and nobody has ever left South Carolina with South Carolina as their only win. South Carolina is supposed to be the tie-breaker. It’s not supposed to pick an oddball. That’s Iowa’s job. The picture got even more confused this week when Iowa Republicans sheepishly announced that Santorum had beaten Romney after all. Romney is not a man-god! Santorum later got an apologetic e-card from the Over-Pig, and a coupon for 10% off any purchase at Ethanol Hut in Des Moines. Santorum may need that coupon in 2016.
Romney doesn’t get a coupon for 2016. This is it for him. He goes into 2016 as either a grotesquely loathed incumbent president, or a sad, Dukakis-eyed loser wandering aimlessly through his numerous Versailles-like palaces. Poor bastard. He needs the validation of South Carolina. Alas, it is not to be. Repugnant space-beast Newt Gingrich won South Carolina, with 40%. Unloved software packet Willard Romney came in second at 28%, followed by un-googleable sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum at 17%. South Carolina does not like sweaters. Keening Bronze Age gold-wraith Ron Paul took 13%. South Carolina was not a good environment for the undying specter’s incessant currency jabber, because the shrimp-herders of the coast seldom see gold, and the hostile hill people engage only in barter. The Romney campaign was stunned. His handlers had to scramble to find his defeat chip and upload patches to his FrontRunner 3.0 software, so Romney could deliver a grumpy and disjointed concession speech. Using clumsy gestures from legacy Bob Dole emulation software, Romney frequently confused the porcine former Speaker with the gracile President Obama in his angry counterattacks. Romney vowed to fight on through every state, even the crappy rectangular ones. His followers interrupted his grumbling with irrational chanting. At one point, they appeared to be shouting “We be dead! We be dead!” They may have been confused, or perhaps zombies.
The disgraced former speaker gave a feisty victory speech. His jowls glistening with victory shrimp and Old Klansman Sippin’ Whiskey, the porcine man-monster railed against Obama, Saul Alinsky, and Jimmy Carter (?) while the crowd waved torches and pitchforks. Gingrich repeated his vow to rassle Obama to the ground and pummel him with his soft little fists. If you took a drink every time Gingrich used the word “radical,” you would be drunk indeed. If you also took a drink every time he put an “r” into the word “Washington,” a stern ER doctor would be talking to your next of kin about the dangers of binge-drinking.
Santorum presumably spoke as well, but hell, I’m not googling him. He probably thanked Jesus, and Tim Tebow, and vowed to keep doing things. His children may or may not have burst into tears.
So now what? Now the contest moves on to Florida, which will probably be a disaster. Jeb Bush will probably just end up picking one of these jackasses at random to be the nominee. Floridians shouldn’t be allowed to choose things. The suspicious mer-people of the coastal mangrove swamps will probably vote for the amphibious space-beast–in fact, they may well worship him like a god. This will leave Santorum and Romney to fight it out for the vast cast of CSI: Miami extras in South Florida. Ron Paul will probably spend his time with the accursed pirates of the Dry Tortugas. Pirates love gold.
I’ll leave you with a recipe from Newt Gingrich’s cook book, “Fill My Maw.”
Uncle Newt’s Old Fashioned Southern Style Shrimp-n-Grits
Five gallons of Shrimp
Five gallons of cooked grits
One gallon of Old Klansman Sippin’ Whiskey
2 tbsp powdered Dried Reagan (you can substitute dried bullshit, or ground black pepper)
Pour ingredients into a trash can, trough, or other large receptacle. Stir vigorously with your fore-appendages.
Dump receptacle contents into your maw. Serves one.
