The nation weeps today, partially because it’s only Thursday and not Friday, but mostly because Texas Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump is dropping his laff-riot of a GOP presidential bid. This leaves us with only Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10k” Romney, accursed undying gold-obsessed man-skeleton Ron Paul, horrifying space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich, and He Who Must Not Be Searched for in Google. The hapless incompetent is expected to endorse disgraced former House Speaker Gingrich.
The governor–often referred to in the media by his pro wrestling moniker “Rick Perry,” entered the race over the summer as the party was undergoing one of it’s periodic fits of nausea and buyer’s remorse over the campaign of frontrunning software packet Willard Romney. Governor Gump, with his glistening hair and magnificent posture, initially polled well against Romney, who was slowed down by his glitch-prone FrontRunner 1.5 software.
Gump’s campaign began a precipitous decline when he began opening his mouth and saying things. His stump speeches–filled with soaring rhetoric about pretzels, ice cream, and lungfish–were inspiring, but his debate performances left neurologists concerned about his body’s ability to provide oxygen to his brain. Perry is expected to return to his home in Austin and his part-time job as governor of Texas.
